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The signs of the zodiacThe signs of the zodiac


Welcome, stranger. We shall now see what the... (flicks through children's encyclopaedia) Planets and some such have in stock for you.




Capricorn

You have been very kind and considerate, perhaps when you should have been taller and more like a lawyer recently but when the moon liquefies your trust this Friday you will feel deep-seated anger either towards your father, who's chest problems you unconciously link to an accident that could have involved... water when you were a child, or towards the grossly exploitative writer behind a recently digested paragraph. If you can grasp the techniques of cold reading this month you might save yourself some money, you credulous peon.

Aquarius

Someone's clearly fobbing you off, but still you won't take no for an answer. There's a fine line between bravery and foolhardiness, so if a boss, bank or bedfellow isn't convinced by anything in particular: throw your poo at them and scream incoherently into their face, because as much as Venus wants to make you a big hit socially, you've got to believe in yourself more for this to happen. Sure, you've never been one to think you're God's gift to mankind, but you are. You are the Second Coming and it's high time you faced up to it.

Pices

You may feel tired or energetic this week, but when you engross yourself in meetings or gatherings you can still be haunted by introverted feelings. Mars descends peevishly into the millennium dome on Monday signalling your need to patch up a difficult relationship. Don't worry about money troubles this week; doing this can only distract you from seeking out an older friend, especially on friday.

Aries

Your chart for this month is particularly interesting as Saturn's innovative spherical aspect indicates that you will crumple emotionally into a dense ellipsoid the size of a honeydew melon on Wednesday. "Chin up" your powerful thighs will be invaluable during this transitional period and with mercury watching your every move, hopefully, the naysayers will spur you on, but don't let that put you off.

Taurus

You will do very little this century. Avoid crisps.

Gemini

Ridiculous requests need to be treated with the contempt they deserve. Although you may want to be adored by everyone, to avariciously meddle in the personal problems of mentally inadequate strangers is still a great way to make a living. Knowing this, Pluto commands you to deflate physically into a scary puddle of skin and ooze around your local sauna on men only day complaining breathlessly about your diet. Defy Pluto at your peril.

Cancer

Cancer is a very serious sign, so avoid clowns: you may become involved in cataclysmic antimatter annihilation in the company of someone you've been hoping to impress recently. Planetary patterns suggest that there is no harm in dreaming, about making a sandwich, unless the dream keeps restarting from the beginning when you put the sausage in. Your dental appointment is at nine not eight.

Leo

Unlike other cats you've been finding it hard to resist forming tentative relationships with a certain hyena recently. However, if you can swallow your pride and make the right decisions in the light of the Meteoroid that destroys most of your house, Tuesday week, even the hyenas will seem like part of a children's encyclopedia. We all know it can be difficult to look on the bright side but sometimes you just have to say "Let go of me, damn you, my cubs are in there"

Virgo

Even though you've had a lot of tearful inflammations recently you're not one to weep much over sore, prickly areas. A financial setback can be turned into a golden opportunity when mercury blossoms into a supreme celestial geranium at teatime on Thursday as this indicates your future will fragment into discrete dimensional strands and rebraid itself grotesquely into a fractal french twist with the stunning effect of alienating one of your co-workers, who may be called Paul or Alex. If this doesn't seem to make sense you might need to seriously address some home truths.

Libra

As Venus, your ruler, explodes magnificently over Thorngumbald this week you have a box of unsorted photographs in your house. Now is a good time to pay close attention to any strangely diffuse and yet double-edged statements that show signs of romantic intertwinement with your work problems. Beware of fractured grammar, after Thursday, as it may be part of a certain someone's obfuscation of unambiguous denotation regarding your future.

Scorpio

Self imposed solitary confinement isn't always the best way to avoid an aggressive chimpanzee, but this week friends that display any arbitrary characteristics should be avoided at all costs as many of the planets begin to move much more sluggishly in their orbits than is thoroughly desirable. The slovenly planets counsel you to use cold, hard logic when cooking, rather than impassioned pleas or the universe could grind to a complete standstill.

Sagittarius

As a Sagittarius you are dedicated, devoted, nurturing, uninhibited, sacrificial, slippery, considerate, proud, shrewd, judicious, patient, logical, meticulous, reliable, practical, diligent, intelligent, analytical, industrious, loyal, efficient, thorough, methodical, exacting, shy, extravangant, observant, critical, a work-and-service-oriental, painstaking, modest, pragmatic, discreet, health-and-cleanliness-conscious, mentally inactive, physically flexible, sexually unconventional, semi-detached, passionate, powerful, penetrating, intense, jazz, compelling, purposeful, brave, deep end, complex, inquisitive, sensual, minty, mysterious, resourceful, ambitious, magnetic, hypnotic, creative, weakly atomic, intriguing, profoundly, generously proportioned, warm, uncaring, tenacious, dynamic sub woofer, probing greasy object, a sadistic insulting detective, easygoing rubber column, sophisticated future-oriented friendship-oriented humanitarian cause-oriented playful yoghurt, friendly-spontaneous, caring-devoted, dirty little japanese trees, benevolent, charming, progressive and massy most afternoons. Avoid crisps.

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