A Play - The Vindication
Created | Updated Mar 13, 2008
The Vindication
A scepticity play
Character analysis:
Charles - posh, absent minded
Jeremy - gay and incredibly camp
Soiled Simon - beggar, scottish
Rank Rob - beggay, mentally unstable
Tommy - eight year old boy, irritating to all
Bob - married to Sarah, deep voice, scottish accent
Sarah - married to Bob, having an affair with Ylanda
Ylanda - a big manly fellow who is often mistaken for a woman, having an affair with Sarah, Yorkshire accent
the play is set on a street corner, outside a grocery shop. a road runs right to left across the stage and another runs from backstage to join it.
there are some dustbins and a letter box. the lighting should be mid-brightness white light until act 2, when it should become high-brightness and
tinted yellow.
ACT 1 :
<simon and rob enter from right of stage. simon starts looking in bins while rob sits down and chews his finger nails>
Simon : Ya see, if it weren't fer Warwick, we cud do this at my place.
Rob : Dammit, Dammit, Dammem. I told those chicken-heads it was up... Yeah, too right mate. Dammit.
Simon : Yeah, and if we wasnae stuck out here, I'd go and do something agrovating to him.
<charles enters from left of stage and looks affronted. simon and rob ignore him>
Rob : But I thought that, thought that, thought that Warwick was dead. You know, olden times.
Simon : That doesnae make a difference.
Charles : <nervously> I say, either of you chaps got the time?
Simon : Does it look like we can afford a timepeace? Say, could ya spare some loose change to go towards our next meal?
Charles : Ok, heres three pounds twenty four pence.
Rob : Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheers, dammit, dammem.
Simon : Ya must excuse ma deluded freind.
<charles stands where he is, the two beggars exit left of stage, muttering. after a few seconds Ylanda enters from backstage.>
Charles : Excuse me, madam. Do you have the time?
Ylanda : Do I look like a woman to you?
Charles : Well, yes actually you do.
Ylanda : Fair enough then, it's a quarter past seven. <pause> In the morning. <pause> A M.
Charles : Why..., never mind.
Ylanda : I wasn't going to.
<charles exits backstage, Sarah and Bob enter right of stage>
Bob : Hello Ylanda, how are you this fine morrow.
Ylanda : Are you taking the mickey?
Bob : No.
Ylanda : Ok then.
Sarah : Bob, hadn't you better go and have breakfast at the twenty-four-seven cafe?
Bob : Right you are. <kisses her on the cheek then leaves>
Sarah : Oh Ylanda <embraces him powerfully> It's been too long! <they kiss>
Ylanda : Let's go somewhere a little less open.
<they exit backstage. there is a pause of about 30 seconds then simon and rob walk across the stage, left to right>
Rob : ... and I don't see why the president didn't just tell the Russians that if they wanted to put nuclear weapons in DAMMIT, DAMMEM, <coughs> Cuba then they would have to ...
ACT 2 :
<tommy runs across, right to left, shouting "I'll catch you eventually", or something to that effect. after about 20 seconds jeremy and charles enter from the right, talking, and bob enters from the left. they meet center stage and stop>
Bob : Nice morning isn't it. What's the time by the way?
Jeremy : About half ten.
Bob : <surprised> Good god! I've been having breakfast for almost three hours!
Charles : <rhetorically> Good then, was it? I wish... <walks offstage to the left, looking thoughtful>
Bob : What's up with him?
Jeremy : Oh, he's always like that.
Bob : You know, I hate him. Whenever I see him I walk away angry or depressed.
Jeremy : Aren't you usually?
Bob : Aye, but only because I see him so often. The only thing I hate more than him is fish...
Jeremy : <exhasperated> I know, you keep saying.
Bob : ...especially mackeral. You know there are more types of fish in the world than there are people in this town! Now there's a thought...
Jeremy : <walking away to backstage> Yes, you keep saying. And there are only about a hundred and fifty people here.
Bob : ...and some of them... Oh. Bye then.
<simon and rob enter from backstage>
Bob : Hello there. I don't suppose you've seen my wife anywhere have you?
Simon : Ach! A fellow scotsman! I never put ye down fer a Scotty. Yes we did see yer wife, going off with that lady man arm in arm.
Rob : An' An' An' they was sayin' about, about, dammit, about how they was gonna have privacy. Dammit, dammem.
Bob : <incredulously> What!?
Simon : Yeah, I think you might wanta watch them.
Bob : I think I might!
Rob : Dammit, the worm wasn't where it were meant to be, no, it was too high up. Dammit, dammem.
Simon : Sorry about him, he's completely mad.
Bob : So I see. Now, I'm off to find my wife!
Simon : I'll help ye. Anything fer an old countryman.
Rob : Dammit, dammem, dammit. I'll say it once again... yeah! Let's go!
<the three of them walk purposefully off stage to the right>
ACT 3 :
<sarah and ylanda are walking left to right, giggling to each other. bob, rob and simon enter from the right. tommy is sitting on the street corner reading something>
Bob : Sarah!
Sarah : Bob!
Ylanda : Bob!
Bob : Ylanda!
Simon : Bob's Wife! Lady man!
Rob : Dammit!
Bob : So, this is what you do when I'm having breakfast!
Sarah : And lunch, you fat pig!
Simon : Ach, she cannae even insult ye properly.
Ylanda : Sarah doesn't love you Bob. She never has.
Bob : Well that's just fine, but I promise you, there will be a reckoning.
Ylanda : Here, at dawn, the pair of us.
Bob : I think so.
<bob storms off to right of stage, while Ylanda storms off to the left, followed by a distraught sarah>
Tommy : Why can't they just have a threesome?
Rob : Buh-buh-buh-buh-because of, well...
Simon : How old are ye?
Tommy : Eight.
Simon : Then go away yer litlle brat! Yer not supposed to know about that kinda stuff!
Tommy : That's mean, I'll tell my mummy!
Simon : And I'll tell her you've been talking about threesomes. Now go away!
<Tommy runs backstage, simon and rob exit right of stage>
ACT 4:
<lighting should be dull, Ylanda and Bob are standing center stage, a little way apart and facing each other. Everyone else is organised around the outside
to watch. Sarah is sobbing quietly in the background.>
Ylanda : Choose your weapons.
Bob : I choose ... pillows.
Ylanda : Very well. My second is Tommy.
Bob : And mine is Soiled Simon.
Simon : Yeearh!
Jeremy : <stands up and walks to middle, hands ylanda and bob a pillow each.> Ok now, no spitting, biting or kicking, otherwise everything goes. One. Two. Three! <steps back>
<ylanda and bob start to fight, others jeer>
Simon : Show that Yorkie numpty what for!
Tommy : Rip his nuts off, rip his nuts off!
Jeremy : I wish I'd brought my video camera. Take his shirt off!
Rob : Dammit!
<Ylanda falls to ground, Bob stands over him>
Bob : Do you yield?
Ylanda : Fine. I yield.
Bob : Good, now the pair of you better have left town within three hours or I'm gonna rip you both to little bits.
Sarah : We will have.
<curtain falls. simon and rob walk out in front of it>
Simon : And that was how the marriage between Bob and Sarah ended. It was witnessed by Charles, the boring guy who later left his office job to become a travelling salesman for Armitage Shanks. Jeremy stayed on in his teaching post and was promoted to head of the english department, enjoying oral work with the boys. Sarah and Ylanda were killed in a car crash as they left town. Tommy was injured in the resulting blaze, and died later in hospital. Bob, created an anti-fish terrorist organisation, and was caught within a month of his first attack. Me and Rank Rob here continued our ordinary life, and came out of the whole thing quite well.
Rob : Dammit, dammit. S'right.
Simon : Yeah, so I guess that's the end. Goodbye.
<they walk behind the curtain>
THE END
A scepticity play
Character analysis:
Charles - posh, absent minded
Jeremy - gay and incredibly camp
Soiled Simon - beggar, scottish
Rank Rob - beggay, mentally unstable
Tommy - eight year old boy, irritating to all
Bob - married to Sarah, deep voice, scottish accent
Sarah - married to Bob, having an affair with Ylanda
Ylanda - a big manly fellow who is often mistaken for a woman, having an affair with Sarah, Yorkshire accent
the play is set on a street corner, outside a grocery shop. a road runs right to left across the stage and another runs from backstage to join it.
there are some dustbins and a letter box. the lighting should be mid-brightness white light until act 2, when it should become high-brightness and
tinted yellow.
ACT 1 :
<simon and rob enter from right of stage. simon starts looking in bins while rob sits down and chews his finger nails>
Simon : Ya see, if it weren't fer Warwick, we cud do this at my place.
Rob : Dammit, Dammit, Dammem. I told those chicken-heads it was up... Yeah, too right mate. Dammit.
Simon : Yeah, and if we wasnae stuck out here, I'd go and do something agrovating to him.
<charles enters from left of stage and looks affronted. simon and rob ignore him>
Rob : But I thought that, thought that, thought that Warwick was dead. You know, olden times.
Simon : That doesnae make a difference.
Charles : <nervously> I say, either of you chaps got the time?
Simon : Does it look like we can afford a timepeace? Say, could ya spare some loose change to go towards our next meal?
Charles : Ok, heres three pounds twenty four pence.
Rob : Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheers, dammit, dammem.
Simon : Ya must excuse ma deluded freind.
<charles stands where he is, the two beggars exit left of stage, muttering. after a few seconds Ylanda enters from backstage.>
Charles : Excuse me, madam. Do you have the time?
Ylanda : Do I look like a woman to you?
Charles : Well, yes actually you do.
Ylanda : Fair enough then, it's a quarter past seven. <pause> In the morning. <pause> A M.
Charles : Why..., never mind.
Ylanda : I wasn't going to.
<charles exits backstage, Sarah and Bob enter right of stage>
Bob : Hello Ylanda, how are you this fine morrow.
Ylanda : Are you taking the mickey?
Bob : No.
Ylanda : Ok then.
Sarah : Bob, hadn't you better go and have breakfast at the twenty-four-seven cafe?
Bob : Right you are. <kisses her on the cheek then leaves>
Sarah : Oh Ylanda <embraces him powerfully> It's been too long! <they kiss>
Ylanda : Let's go somewhere a little less open.
<they exit backstage. there is a pause of about 30 seconds then simon and rob walk across the stage, left to right>
Rob : ... and I don't see why the president didn't just tell the Russians that if they wanted to put nuclear weapons in DAMMIT, DAMMEM, <coughs> Cuba then they would have to ...
ACT 2 :
<tommy runs across, right to left, shouting "I'll catch you eventually", or something to that effect. after about 20 seconds jeremy and charles enter from the right, talking, and bob enters from the left. they meet center stage and stop>
Bob : Nice morning isn't it. What's the time by the way?
Jeremy : About half ten.
Bob : <surprised> Good god! I've been having breakfast for almost three hours!
Charles : <rhetorically> Good then, was it? I wish... <walks offstage to the left, looking thoughtful>
Bob : What's up with him?
Jeremy : Oh, he's always like that.
Bob : You know, I hate him. Whenever I see him I walk away angry or depressed.
Jeremy : Aren't you usually?
Bob : Aye, but only because I see him so often. The only thing I hate more than him is fish...
Jeremy : <exhasperated> I know, you keep saying.
Bob : ...especially mackeral. You know there are more types of fish in the world than there are people in this town! Now there's a thought...
Jeremy : <walking away to backstage> Yes, you keep saying. And there are only about a hundred and fifty people here.
Bob : ...and some of them... Oh. Bye then.
<simon and rob enter from backstage>
Bob : Hello there. I don't suppose you've seen my wife anywhere have you?
Simon : Ach! A fellow scotsman! I never put ye down fer a Scotty. Yes we did see yer wife, going off with that lady man arm in arm.
Rob : An' An' An' they was sayin' about, about, dammit, about how they was gonna have privacy. Dammit, dammem.
Bob : <incredulously> What!?
Simon : Yeah, I think you might wanta watch them.
Bob : I think I might!
Rob : Dammit, the worm wasn't where it were meant to be, no, it was too high up. Dammit, dammem.
Simon : Sorry about him, he's completely mad.
Bob : So I see. Now, I'm off to find my wife!
Simon : I'll help ye. Anything fer an old countryman.
Rob : Dammit, dammem, dammit. I'll say it once again... yeah! Let's go!
<the three of them walk purposefully off stage to the right>
ACT 3 :
<sarah and ylanda are walking left to right, giggling to each other. bob, rob and simon enter from the right. tommy is sitting on the street corner reading something>
Bob : Sarah!
Sarah : Bob!
Ylanda : Bob!
Bob : Ylanda!
Simon : Bob's Wife! Lady man!
Rob : Dammit!
Bob : So, this is what you do when I'm having breakfast!
Sarah : And lunch, you fat pig!
Simon : Ach, she cannae even insult ye properly.
Ylanda : Sarah doesn't love you Bob. She never has.
Bob : Well that's just fine, but I promise you, there will be a reckoning.
Ylanda : Here, at dawn, the pair of us.
Bob : I think so.
<bob storms off to right of stage, while Ylanda storms off to the left, followed by a distraught sarah>
Tommy : Why can't they just have a threesome?
Rob : Buh-buh-buh-buh-because of, well...
Simon : How old are ye?
Tommy : Eight.
Simon : Then go away yer litlle brat! Yer not supposed to know about that kinda stuff!
Tommy : That's mean, I'll tell my mummy!
Simon : And I'll tell her you've been talking about threesomes. Now go away!
<Tommy runs backstage, simon and rob exit right of stage>
ACT 4:
<lighting should be dull, Ylanda and Bob are standing center stage, a little way apart and facing each other. Everyone else is organised around the outside
to watch. Sarah is sobbing quietly in the background.>
Ylanda : Choose your weapons.
Bob : I choose ... pillows.
Ylanda : Very well. My second is Tommy.
Bob : And mine is Soiled Simon.
Simon : Yeearh!
Jeremy : <stands up and walks to middle, hands ylanda and bob a pillow each.> Ok now, no spitting, biting or kicking, otherwise everything goes. One. Two. Three! <steps back>
<ylanda and bob start to fight, others jeer>
Simon : Show that Yorkie numpty what for!
Tommy : Rip his nuts off, rip his nuts off!
Jeremy : I wish I'd brought my video camera. Take his shirt off!
Rob : Dammit!
<Ylanda falls to ground, Bob stands over him>
Bob : Do you yield?
Ylanda : Fine. I yield.
Bob : Good, now the pair of you better have left town within three hours or I'm gonna rip you both to little bits.
Sarah : We will have.
<curtain falls. simon and rob walk out in front of it>
Simon : And that was how the marriage between Bob and Sarah ended. It was witnessed by Charles, the boring guy who later left his office job to become a travelling salesman for Armitage Shanks. Jeremy stayed on in his teaching post and was promoted to head of the english department, enjoying oral work with the boys. Sarah and Ylanda were killed in a car crash as they left town. Tommy was injured in the resulting blaze, and died later in hospital. Bob, created an anti-fish terrorist organisation, and was caught within a month of his first attack. Me and Rank Rob here continued our ordinary life, and came out of the whole thing quite well.
Rob : Dammit, dammit. S'right.
Simon : Yeah, so I guess that's the end. Goodbye.
<they walk behind the curtain>
THE END
