Crap Jokes
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
A crap joke is defined as a collection of sentences which appears in the below list:
Two Aerials meet on a roof fall in love get Married the ceremony was rubbish
but the Reception was Brilliant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do Eskimos get if they sit on the ice for too long?
Polaroids
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An eskimo is on his way home form a days ice fishing when his skidoo (snowmobile) breaks down. He calls the AA who (surprisingly) turn up half an hour later.
The mechanic has a good rummage round then says "Ah, looks like you've blown a seal" to which the eskimo replies "Nah, its just frost on my lip"
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1st Doctor
" I say, Godfrey"
2nd D"What is it Geoffrey?"
"I was wondering why you were walking around with a rectum thermometer
behind your ear"
"Oh I say, some bum has my pencil"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
...and of course the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer
is...
...the taste
---------------------------------------------------------------------
a man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
he says "i'll have a pint of beer and a whisky for my mate tiny."
the bar man says "you can't call that newt tiny"
the man says "why not? he's my newt!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do squaddies have one more brain cell than horses.
So they don't cr@p on parade
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's pink, wrinkly and smells of wee.
Old people
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's big and white and sits at the end of the bed taking the p**s out of old people?
A dialysis machine
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you meake a bear cross?
Nail two bears together....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to
you?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a victim. One says to the other 'How are you doing?',
he replies 'I'm having a ball!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do cannibals eat on their toast?
Baked Beings
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bloke goes to the Doctor complaining of something growing out of his A£$e.
After the examination the doc says it seems to be something green, but he
can't say any more than that cos its probably just the tip of the ice berg.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of
home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy
said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm
for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt
your head" replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it
should come out a treat....."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on
the ceiling.
He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks,
"Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those
pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate............
........the steaks are too high!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the
neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think
I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says,
'Yes, I'm positive...'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife went to the Carribean for her holidays.
Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.
My wife and I went to the Far East for our holidays.
Jakarta?
No, we travelled separately.
For our anniversary, I took my wife to a lovely part of Italy.
Genoa ?
Of course I do, she's my wife.
I bought my wife a traditional Arab cloak for her birthday.
Jellabba?
Yes. That's why I married her.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of
tampax for 1 pound.
She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the
manager
"Is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
A wonky
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a three legged one eyed donkey?
A winky wonky
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "Remind me again, how do we
drive this thing"?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two parrots on a perch, ones says to the other, "Can you smell fish ?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The
other one says "so are you, you fat b*****d"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What Ticks on the wall?
Ticky Paper
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats grey, has big ears, and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats blue and kills Grannies?
Hypothermia
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric the dinosaur decided to drink ten pints of lager and have a big curry
afterwards.
What kind of dinosaur is he?
A MEGA-SORE-ARSE
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the
Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No
thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a
library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But
you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your
trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my
livelihood.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy
an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers,
yes.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is
unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the
filing cabinet.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then
he
rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I
swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I
Said 'I careered off the road.'
That's all folks.
Two Aerials meet on a roof fall in love get Married the ceremony was rubbish
but the Reception was Brilliant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do Eskimos get if they sit on the ice for too long?
Polaroids
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An eskimo is on his way home form a days ice fishing when his skidoo (snowmobile) breaks down. He calls the AA who (surprisingly) turn up half an hour later.
The mechanic has a good rummage round then says "Ah, looks like you've blown a seal" to which the eskimo replies "Nah, its just frost on my lip"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Doctor
" I say, Godfrey"
2nd D"What is it Geoffrey?"
"I was wondering why you were walking around with a rectum thermometer
behind your ear"
"Oh I say, some bum has my pencil"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
...and of course the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer
is...
...the taste
---------------------------------------------------------------------
a man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
he says "i'll have a pint of beer and a whisky for my mate tiny."
the bar man says "you can't call that newt tiny"
the man says "why not? he's my newt!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do squaddies have one more brain cell than horses.
So they don't cr@p on parade
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's pink, wrinkly and smells of wee.
Old people
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's big and white and sits at the end of the bed taking the p**s out of old people?
A dialysis machine
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you meake a bear cross?
Nail two bears together....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to
you?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a victim. One says to the other 'How are you doing?',
he replies 'I'm having a ball!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do cannibals eat on their toast?
Baked Beings
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bloke goes to the Doctor complaining of something growing out of his A£$e.
After the examination the doc says it seems to be something green, but he
can't say any more than that cos its probably just the tip of the ice berg.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of
home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy
said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm
for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt
your head" replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it
should come out a treat....."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on
the ceiling.
He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks,
"Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those
pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate............
........the steaks are too high!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the
neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think
I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says,
'Yes, I'm positive...'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife went to the Carribean for her holidays.
Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.
My wife and I went to the Far East for our holidays.
Jakarta?
No, we travelled separately.
For our anniversary, I took my wife to a lovely part of Italy.
Genoa ?
Of course I do, she's my wife.
I bought my wife a traditional Arab cloak for her birthday.
Jellabba?
Yes. That's why I married her.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of
tampax for 1 pound.
She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the
manager
"Is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
A wonky
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a three legged one eyed donkey?
A winky wonky
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "Remind me again, how do we
drive this thing"?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two parrots on a perch, ones says to the other, "Can you smell fish ?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The
other one says "so are you, you fat b*****d"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What Ticks on the wall?
Ticky Paper
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats grey, has big ears, and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats blue and kills Grannies?
Hypothermia
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric the dinosaur decided to drink ten pints of lager and have a big curry
afterwards.
What kind of dinosaur is he?
A MEGA-SORE-ARSE
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the
Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No
thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a
library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But
you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your
trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my
livelihood.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy
an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers,
yes.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is
unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the
filing cabinet.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then
he
rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I
swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I
Said 'I careered off the road.'
That's all folks.
