Did I mention that I was born without a sense of humour? Don't feel sorry for me though. I get by quite well with a prosthesis made of feathers.

Be that as it may or may not, here are some jokes that I can't remember hearing anywhere else and so claim as my own:

Sex, they say, is not a spectator sport. Well, whose fault is that? It's just too hard to get good seats.

I was feeling a bit glum, so I put some new batteries in my prosthetic sense of humour. Now I can't stop giggling.

The art of fatherhood: Dada

I only built the bird house for a lark.

Don't believe the adverts. They don't really make toilet paper, even the expensive kind, out of fluffy white kittens or swans. Cats are often quite scratchy - not a good quality in toilet paper - and swans are anything but absorbent - they wouldn't bob about on ponds if they were.

I've just been looking at my bank statement and something strikes me as being wrong. There is a long list of numbers under the debit column (some of them very big numbers) and hardly anything at all under the credit column. Plainly, I'm just not getting enough credit.

The worst thing about blackouts is that they leave you feeling so powerless.

"You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear", they say. Well, proper daft that poor sow would look with two purses 'angin' from 'er poor 'ead, I say.

I tried out the 'Random' function on my new CD player today. It played every track on the CD in order. Imagine the odds against that happening! Staggering!

I wonder how many people actually apply Head and Shoulders dandruff shampoo to their shoulders...

Beware the Ides of March! And render unto Caesar that which is romaine lettuce, anchovy paste, croutons, romano cheese...

I went into a restaurant this morning with a sign on the door advertising 'All Day Breakfast'. I was done in about twenty minutes.

Would fission ships smell like old fat?

I can't help thinking that it would be an awful shame if the first man to reach the summit of Mount Everest in a clown costume isn't named Edmund Hilarity.

Could it possibly be true that there is a British army training film about foot care called Pus in Boots?

Everyone knows the girl next door; but who actually lives next door to her?

If someone is accused of pessimism and they respond with something like, 'Oh yeah, wait and see!', are they being pessimistic or not?

A Zen question: 'What's all zis zen?'

Advice for Roman Shoppers: M is not 20 times larger than L, XL is not slightly smaller than L and XXX is definitely not for children.

I used to have a winsome smile. Nowadays, it's winsome or lose-some, depending on whether or not I'm wearing my dentures.

Clown ointment: Not to be taken seriously

If you've read any of these jokes somewhere else, it's not plagiarism; it's convergent evolution.