The problems of little Dicks and Willys:
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
When a roving researcher for ‘The Guide’ visited our planet he was accused of making ‘A careless blunder,’ because he had skimped a bit on his preparatory research. The information he had gathered leading him to choose the
name ‘Ford Prefect’ as being nicely inconspicuous. In view of the number of unfortunately named individuals listed in any Telephone directory it is easy to see how such an oversight might occur, the names Austin Healey, Morris Minor and Mini Cooper springing to mind.
Perhaps then the criticism ‘Skimping on research,’ would more aptly apply to millions of otherwise caring parents who thoughtlessly lumber innocent babies with names that could blight the rest of their lives, and their glib defence that ‘It’s not spelt or pronounced the same.’ doesn’t count for much when ‘School Bully’ has selected you as ‘Diversion of the day.’ Remember School Bully? He was the one who couldn’t spell and beat seven bales of Richards* out of anyone who could.
Naming Baby:
There are many books available which supply list of potential boys and girls names but as far as I know there is no publicised list of names to be avoided. THIS IS WHERE YOUR HELP IS NEEDED..... A list has been started below of First or Christian names, which when combined with
real Surnames could explain why some Babies cry uncontrollably at Christenings. If you can think of any more names to add, or if your own name has blighted your life, or caused you grief and misery over the years, please, please post it below, We could all do with a good laugh!
N.B. All the surnames used are genuine and can be found on BTs UK Info Disk. Fabricated names like Anna Dapter, Natalie Dressed, Theresa Jolly-Goodfellow,
Mandy Lifeboats and Lidia Baccytin are good for a chuckle but if we can stick to names that genuinely exist, and we can save just one little girl from having to go through life with the name Rosy Butt or V.D. Carrier then it’ll be worth it.
It is appreciated that marriage will alter a woman’s Surname and that you cannot chose the person you fall in love with, but if you want some sound advice Ophelia, if he doesn’t love you enough to change his surname from Balls then don’t marry him.
Names to be avoided:
| NAMES | SURNAMES | BECAUSE |
| *Richard | With any name | (a) It has been blighted by the thoughtless contrivers of ‘Cockney Rhyming slang'. * and (b) It gets shortend to Dick.) *Cockney Rhyming Slang |
| Richard Edward | With any name | "Dick Ed". |
| Ophelia | Hampton | ‘cos it doesn’t sound nice. 'Hampton'=Cockney rhyming slang: Hampton wick=Dick. |
| Ophelia | Rampton, Balls, Tit, Dick(s), Nobbs | Believe me these are all genuine surnames, and Ophelia does'nt belong with any of them. |
| Annette | Curtain | ‘Cos it’s silly. |
| Crispin | Dry | ‘Cos it’s silly. |
| Mike or Isaac | Hunt | ‘cos it really doesn’t sound nice. |
| Any initial R | Send, Sole, or Soul | ‘cos it really doesn’t sound nice. |
| Titus R. | Soles | Bad name, baaad. |
| Robin | Bastard | Unspeakably bad name. |
| Warren | Peace | ‘Cos it’s silly. |
| Mary | Hinge | Unfortunate Spoonerism. |
| Mary | England | Patriotic but silly. |
| Stanley (Stan) | Still | ‘Cos it’s silly. |
| Russell | Sprout | Really silly. |
| Justin | timme or tyme | ‘Cos it’s silly |
| Justin | Tame | Same sort of thing even though it sounds posher. |
| Miles | Long | Silly. |
| Miles | Biggerstaff | Even sillier. | Sandra (Sandy) | Shaw or Beech | silly. |
| Ben or Ilene | Dover | ‘Cos it’s silly |
| Isaac or Mike | Crapper | I wonder what happened to all the other Crappers after their famous forebear Thomas invented the flushable bowl? |
| Richard (Dick) or William (Willy). | Small or Stickel | ‘cos it sounds like a statement. |
| Richard (Dick) or William (Willy). | Succa | Nooo don't even go there |
| Christian | Science | No I swear to God these are real Surnames, If you don't believe me look them up. |
| Betty | Do | People would be forever saying "Betty Don't." |
| Betty | Dont | No I didn't believe it either but it's there in the directory |
| Thomas | De.Catt | Cute but silly |
| Jeremy | Mander | Jerry Mander. If your Son were to consider a career in politics this wouldn’t be a real vote winner of a name would it. |
| Lorraine | Order | Now that could be a vote winning name. |
| Sally | Forth | Silly silly silly. |
| Sally | Vater | Drool drool |
| Ian | Jury | ‘Cos there are some people who just can't help adding insult to Ian Jury |
| Arthur | Brain | Daft. |
| Cliff | Hanger | Grim Eh? |
| Ray | Von | Dude! |
| Rupert | De Bare | 'Cos it's silly |
| Edward | De Bare | Ted De Bare. Cute but silly |
| Alfred D. | Great | Cake burner. |
| Vladimir D. | Impala | Vlad D Impala? Some sort of blood sucking Antelope? |
| Holly or Rose | Bush | 'Cos it's silly |
| Ivan | Ardon | Won't be needing any Viagra then. |
| Leo D. | lion | 'Cos it's silly |
| Lawrence D. | Lamb | Larry D. Lamb. Cute but daft. |
| Polly | Parrot | Not even cute. |
| Oscar | Winner | A tad presumptuous. |
| Paddy | Field | silly |
| Tess | Tickell | 'Cos it really doesn't sound nice. |
| Chester | Field | Sounds like the sort of furniture that appears suddenly during Cricket matches |
| Any initial B. | Hind | Similar to R. Send, not nice. |
| Ian | Lander | I. Lander. There already is one in London, and as we all know "There can be only one." |
| Any initial E. | Mortal | 'Cos if you were to say 'I am E. Mortal' you can be sure some bugger will try to prove ya' wrong. |
| Jenny | Talia | Does not sound nice at all. |
| Tim | Burr | Too silly. |
| Gay | Bender | Might have sounded nice in 1938? |
| Terrance | Bull | A Terry Bull name. |
| Carol | Singer | The sort of name that would go well with Mary Christmas and Yule tyde |
| Marie | Mee | 'Cos it sounds so desperate. |
| Lance | Boyle | Yuk! |
| Phyllis | Stein | Just another person having a bad name day |
