Insomnia: The ancient art of not being able to get to sleep.
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
The following article should (possibly) prove a useful for insomnia. If you are in bed unable to sleep, just switch on a very low light, and make sure there are no audible sounds, and read the following passage while lying down in bed (print it out so that you are not reading your computer in bed!). (In future there should be a range of passages so that you can choose the most boring)
A warning! Do not read the following story while at work, driving or operating heave machinery.
Bob woke, it was a rather dark morning outside, and inside it was also dark, and very warm. Bob lay in bed wondering about how it is that neutrinos can pass through anything, even the Earth. It wasn’t that he was a nuclear physicist but rather he was just board. Finally he decided to wake and get the morning off to a slow leisurely pace. Slipping on a dressing gown he plodded down the stairs to the ground floor of his two floored house. One, two, three, four, five, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, ahh, the ground. Bob didn’t really like stairs, even the ones that disguise themselves as a slope with tiny steps and then a long slab, so he always counted them. There was some post on the floor, just in front of the door, below the letter box, which is where they must have passed through the door. "Six". "Hmm…" he thought, "six letters". The first was from URS ltd. which was a delivery company, the comfy slippers he’d ordered had arrived at the sorting office and he had to collect it. Then there was a letter telling him to open it and he could win a thousand pounds. Sounding almost too interesting he quickly filed it carefully in the small black plastic bin that he happened to be passing. There was another letter about the same delivery of slippers asking him why he hadn’t picked them up this morning. He looked at his watch, which was largish with a sound that went, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. This was only slightly odd as it was a digital watch, "Amazing" he thought, but it was only six thirty, so there wasn’t much of this morning’ to have already collected it in. There was one electricity bill of fifty-four pounds and eleven pence which wasn’t unusual for Bob. And finally there was a letter that was actually interesting. It said on the front:
Miss Anna Sanders,
44 Warmfield Grove,
Ligglesbury,
Surrey,
SR24 6AF
"Good, this means I can visit Anna next door again."
By now Bob had reached the kitchen. It was small, green and warm, because it had a large radiator along one side. "Six" he thought, "there aren’t six walls". He carefully lay the open mail on the work-surface and headed for the kettle. It was old and grey, but still heated water to one hundred degrees Centigrade, so Bob was happy. He checked that there was enough water for one cup and then added some more from the tap located nearby so he could have two cups at once. He flipped the switch and waited. A minuet or so passed and as he heard the familiar boiling sound opened a cupboard, the one that contained all the rice and pasta etc, and got out two cups with the correct amount of instant coffee in each. ‘Click’. Bob lifted the kettle, swung it over towards the cups and poured in some of the water so that a brown steaming liquid was created. His glasses steamed up and so accidentally filled the second cup up too much. But that was no real problem. He found the milk conveniently situated in the fridge and added it to the coffee.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. His watch was telling him something, but Bob, being in one of his slow thoughtful moods, ignored this and thought instead about how a neutrino actually must have collided with some matter - amino acid – for life to actually begin. "Amazing, what a rather interesting time that must have been for life" thought Bob. Thoughts now turned towards food, and in particular towards toast. Within minuets there were two slices of bread being converted to burnt bread in Bob’s toaster, with a rather relaxed Bob looking at the bred to make sure that nothing odd happened.
Taking the toast and coffee with him, Bob made an attempt at reaching the lounge before the toast was cold. This was the regular routine and his chances were increased by the fact that the central heating and blazing fire had been left on all night. He lowed himself into the soft, ‘Relax-o-lux’ tm armchair, which enveloped him in folds of soft warm fabric. Bob carefully balanced his toast and coffees of the arms of the chair in the sort of way the slightest wriggle of the occupant would cause and item situated there to fall off. Reaching for the remote, Bob flipped through the channels until something caught his fancy. On one there was a documentary about the wildlife of the Fennlands, on two there was an Open University gardening course program and on three was what Bob was after. The adverts had just finished and on a pail blue and green background were the title of the program in beige: ‘Does this catch your fancy, with Jane Littleton’. "Lovely" sighed Bob, "this is the life". He took a sip of coffee and a bite out of his hot toast and sighed again.
There was a gentle tap on the door. Bob wriggled out of his chair and went to he door, he opened it and standing there looking rather chilly was Anna from next door. He opened the porch door and welcomed her in, taking her coat and gloves to hang up.
"Silly me" she said, "I’ve just locked myself out of my house." She looked cold, so Bob took her into the lounge and sat her in the other comfy armchair.
"You will soon warm up" Bob said, "would you like some toast and coffee?" And handed her the remaining slice and second cup.
"Oh, yes please. Thank you." She sipped at the coffee and could feel it moving down her throat, heating it up. The toast was perfectly cooked she thought. Lovely. They sat there, watching the television, and eating. Amazingly the program that was on was both of their favourites, thought this was unknown to them. The fire crackled and danced, creating interesting shadows on the ground. It was the only light-source in the room, apart from the television which didn’t count. Bob drifted off to sleep for around five minuets and Anna watched him. She had always thought he was nice but was too shy to say anything.
"Ahh…". Bob woke and sipped his coffee again. "I have something for you, Anna" he said reaching for the table next to is seat.
Anna hoped for a ring, a proposal for marriage, but was content all the same when Bob produced a letter, maybe that was a secret message declaring his undying love for her. She opened it and lifted the letter from the inside. It read:
To the occupant, you have the chance to win one thousand pounds with our lucky, ‘Winagreatdeal’ super prize draw. Do not thro…..
Anna popped the letter back in the envelope and passed it to Bob. "Be a dear, file this away could you?"
"Sure", and Bob placed it in the black bin. ‘Doh!’ he thought, ‘if only he’d given her the letter declaring his undying love instead.’ They settled back and Bob put on some soft music, the television program went on to talk about gas and coal fires, and the pros and cons of each. They both drifted in and out of sleep gently.
Bob stood up and made his way out of the room, when he returned he had in his hand a small felt case, about the size of a clenched, fist of the 75th percentile. He walked towards Anna, and then lowered himself on to one knee. Extending his arm, and cleverly opening the small case at the same time he said "Anna, I have loved you since the very first moment I saw you, oho ho, I’ve never felt such a motion, I’m walking on air, just to know, you are there. Hold me in your arms, don’t let me go, I want to stay forever. Anna. Will you m…" Anna woke with a jump saying "Yes, yes, yes!"
Bob woke, slightly surprised by this and asked "Yes what? Are you OK?"
"Oh, sorry, I’m fine, I was just dreaming about, oh never mind."
"What? Do go on."
"I really must be getting home, its nearly seven fifteen, and I’m meeting my Brother at twelve forty-five. Thank you so much for the coffee and everything, I do appreciate it."
Bob walked to the door and watched as she made her way through his garden then hers and into her house. ‘Well, that was very pleasant, now where was his coffee?’ Bob thought as he went back to his arm chair. With the fire crackling and blazing and the television flickering quietly, Bob sat back with a long sigh, a sigh large enough to encompass all that had happened that morning, sipped his coffee and drifted off till lunch.
