Into the Unknown
Created | Updated Apr 17, 2011
Strange isn't it, this peculiar collection of circumstance we call life. Fate, karma, destiny, what we choose to believe, which set of values we use as the words to follow the tune of our existence, in the end it all comes down to the great unknown. Isn't that what makes life worth living? Each passing moment is a lesson in discovery no matter if it's the result of diligent planning or simply the flip of a coin, it's all relevant, each separate instant in time helping to invent who we are every single day. And then there's the wrench in the gears. Just when you think you've finally got it all figured out the cosmos throw you a twist, a bit of spice added to the mix for the sake of, well, who knows really.
It was one of these very twists which brings me here today, the compulsion to record so significant an event in the shaping of my life almost overwhelming. Long ago yet ever present, the memory haunts me and at the same time drives me ever forward, the search for understanding and a longing to return to what once was the fuel that fires my desire. Of course none of this matters one whit unless you know what happened, though 'knowing' is also relative, still, I lay it out before you friend in the hope that it helps you not so much understand, rather that it may be of some benefit in your own interpretation of life and the living of it.
The day started as usual, really no different then any other. Neither wonder nor expectation in the air, no tickle on the back of the neck to signify what was to come, just another ordinary start to another ordinary day. Rise and shine, a quick cup and a long drive down a scenic old road, the kind which has been around long enough to become an integral part of the landscape rather than a mere route to and from. I consider myself quite lucky in this respect as it's a nice way to start and end a day, traveling this old bit of tarmac as it meanders through the forest, up, around and over rather than straight through as is the modern wont. I've traveled this route innumerable times and yet it still holds so many wonders that I always drive a bit slower than is necessary, observing the ways of nature and appreciating it for it's beauty, sometimes lively, sometimes somber, always fresh with the promise of mystery and new discovery.
It was because of this habit that I spotted the furtive movement near the old garage at the end of my trail, more a shed really but one I'd built with my own hands, a place to escape to and tinker for tinkering sake, located close enough to be handy and yet far enough away as to be a refuge from the rest of the world, my personal sanctuary. One instant I saw, the next I didn't, still, it was enough to warrant a closer look as I value my privacy. Though an uncommon occurrence given the nature of my temperament and the local knowledge of what may befall those unfortunate enough to incur my wrath, intruders might be tempted to explore and so it was that I drew my car to a halt and headed straight away for the door, my dander up and ready for a fight, no thought of danger, no thought at all truth be told. No, it was pure anger that dictated my stride and that stride was long and fast, full of purpose and determination to protect what was mine, all the fury that marked me as one not to be trifled with plain for even a blind man to see.
Bursting through the door with fists clenched I found...nothing. No, there, just behind the tires of the old car I'd been restoring since before it was old was a pair of bare feet and as I quickly rounded the front I found those feet attached to a pair of legs. Lovely legs to be sure and connected to that which was naught but a lass of some twenty summers, alabaster skin silky as fresh cream, dusted lightly with pale freckles so as to resemble the night sky in reverse and blaze red tresses in long, flowing ringlets, each winking and sparkling as if possessed by some internal fire. A vision of beauty to be sure, a fantasy come to life before me though it wasn't this which stopped me cold. No, it was those eyes. Those eyes of a hue so green as to rival any emerald, piercing, mesmerizing, curious and yet so full of knowing. Those eyes stopped me and held me transfixed, words naught but a buzzing in my head as I stood trapped by the gaze of this waif and so I would have remained had she not spoken, releasing me from the spell she'd cast.
"Hey, This place is mine! Who are you and what are you doing here!" she cried, the indignation in her voice so very real and yet I knew it was nothing but bluff and bluster. It was enough defuse my anger, bringing a wry smile to my face and twinkle to my eye as I replied in a voice tinged with the whisper of a chuckle.
"Me? I'm just the fellow who built this place. The important question is who you might be."
If I'd seen mystery in those eyes before I was mistaken for as we stood I found myself recognizing what lay behind them, all the dreams and visions that made life bearable, a shared knowledge of all that had come before and perhaps what was yet to be, all the answers to every question asked and not lay within those pools of luminescence, so close as to draw me in, dooming and yet breathing life into my very being all in the same instant. What hope was there for me as my soul recognized it's counterpoint? I was lost from that first glance and honestly I would have wished for no less.
Those initial words were still the only ones spoken when she reached out and gently kissed me. I can't say that I felt shock as it seemed only right, less the meeting of strangers as the reunion of old friends, lovers from another time and another place, raw emotion personified and made real. Would it last but an instant? Would it last forever? These thoughts couldn't intrude upon the moment nor could time itself. Time was naught but an intruder, uninvited, unwelcome and completely unnecessary as we lived full lives in the span of a heartbeat, living, dying and being reborn to live yet again in the blink of an eye. Never in all my years have I felt as complete as I did just then, the universe encompassing two beings lost for so very long, contentment personified. Was it heaven itself? Who knows. Who cares.
They say all good things must come to an end and this instance for all it's purity could only end under circumstance of opposite nature, a fact which became plain all to suddenly as the crashing of trees and the baying of hounds signified an abrupt end to this tranquility. The look in my waifs eyes was a mixture of fear and determination though I hadn't a clue as to why. Still, when she grabbed my hand and pulled I willingly followed, no thought other than to protect her in my mind as we ran from my former sanctuary and into the suddenly harsh light of the forest.
I had spent a lifetime amidst these woods and never felt the slightest trepidation within. Tree and stone, hill and dale, all were as familiar as my own kitchen and just as welcoming so it came as a shock when the light began to fade and the mist to rise. What was once a place so full of wonder was transforming before my eyes into a hostile environment, the very ground trying to hold us fast, roots and tendrils winding about our feet in an attempt to keep us hostage for whom ever or what ever was making it's way towards us. That they were coming was unquestionable as the ground shook beneath us, the calls from our pursuers ringing through the valleys as they followed with a speed unimaginable. And through all of this my waif kept up the flight, pulling me along with a persistence that I could not question, never faltering, never straying from some unseen path here in my once familiar haunt.
As we ran I felt my own inner self start to rise up again from were it had been damped by the spell of the lass and in that rising came the anger. It was this which drew me me up with feet planted and a fists raised, ready to defend my companion to the final breath...only to be yanked firmly back to the present by the very one I strove to protect. It took but a look into those eyes and a simple shake her head "No" to once again fall under that spell and we where off yet again on our journey to I knew not where.
Ever on we ran, the pursuit drawing closer with each passing second. Who were these demons which pursued us so and more importantly why? Each time I turned to defend it was the same, a firm tug and I, a grown man of uncommon strength found myself compelled to follow. The only thing that did seem to be changing was the look in my waif's eyes as where once was command there now lay a look of pleading, begging me to hurry along lest the unimaginable take place. And still they gained ground on us, these unseen foes that pursued us with unflagging determination. Did we run for minutes? Hours? Days? All was a blur, the only constant, the only bit of stability this mere slip of a girl who refused to be swayed. And so we ran.
The end seemed to come suddenly as it usually does, what was a prolonged chase swiftly drawing to a close for the final act. It was so when they finally caught us. I heard the snarling and felt the fetid breath on my neck and knew the time had finally come. There are rare times in life that a man can choose his own end and I could do no less than to go out in the only fashion I knew, an ice cold berserker, all fists and fury, a high end dealer in death and despair. It was who I was, it was what I did, a product not so much of training as evolution. It was this that gave me the strength to push my love to safety and with a spin charge my foes, the guttural cry which burst from my chest freezing them where they stood. Fear shaded their eyes, perhaps for the first time since they where spawned. Fear curdled their blood and created doubt. Fear brought visions of their own demise to chill their black hearts.
It's the mark of a man who can face down his enemies with nothing but honor as a weapon and I felt at that moment content to go to whatever end lay beyond the veil and challenge what was to be found there. Of course I hadn't counted on the waif and it was she with one last and mighty yank pulled me through...Into a space that was nothing and everything in equal measure.
I found myself standing with her in a stark white hallway, unadorned except for the door handles interspersed at regular intervals and bathed in a glow that seemed to ooze from the very walls. Words escaped me and what was more disturbing yet was the refusal of my companion to look me in the eye but instead, rather shyly, taking my hand and walking with me down this never ending passageway. As we traveled others beings appeared, always from the opposite direction and in passing a slight nod to my lass the only recognition they offered, their eyes when directed at me containing something more akin to pity and regret though for whom I was not certain.
Eventually we came to our destination, an unmarked door no different than any other yet my companion reached for the handle and we entered to find it contained no more than a simple white table and a pair of white chairs. For all the time this adventure had taken there had been not a single word spoken save those uttered so very long ago in the shed thus it came as a surprise when an older version of the lass entered of the room, gracing me with a rueful smile before embracing the waif and uttering "Oh Muse" in a voice filled with so much sadness and yet so much pride. And that was it. In a rush of sudden and total comprehension I knew what was happening. How or why didn't really matter, not anymore. After today nothing would matter again, nothing would ever be the same. I would never be the same. And so the darkness overtook me.
I awoke to find my waif, my love, my muse knelling at my feet as she held my hands in hers, the tears spilling freely from those emerald eyes, eyes once so filled with knowing now tinged by unbearable sadness. And yet that sadness had always been there, I know that now as she had set out upon her quest with the full knowledge of the price to be paid at it's end, paid willingly but at such a terrible cost to us both. There was nothing more to say, nothing more that needed saying, only one last embrace and a kiss as the tears mingled freely upon our cheeks. For a single moment we were as we were meant to be, one person, one soul, raw emotion transforming us and making us whole and transcendent in all it's power and glory. And then it was done. My muse slowly rose and walked towards the door with but one last look cast towards me, a look so filled with longing and regret that I still feel it's impact even today.
Light that seemed to emanate from nowhere and everywhere welled up till I was blinded by it's intensity, then fading to reveal that I lay in my own bed, in my own home. And yet, there, shimmering before my eyes was the face of my muse, smiling and content in the knowledge she had succeeded in her mission. Slowly the image faded leaving me nothing but tear stained cheeks and the lingering touch of her lips as proof that any of this had occurred. Not that it mattered as the ache from the hole left in my heart was all the reminder needed.
Such is life my friends. The psyche extracts a heavy price when it so chooses. It cares little for matters of the heart, never asking opinion nor indeed even acknowledging such matters, the overall survival of the host it's only objective. In my case it was a simple yet utterly cruel option, sanity over inspiration, my inner muse for the sake of continued lucidity. I was never asked consent, rather it was a matter decided deep within the recesses that we define as conscience and the soul, that place of pure fact and abject fantasy that defines who we are and more importantly what we are to be. So it is that our lives are shaped by the unseen, sometimes willingly and at other times forced upon us.
That's not to say there is no hope for we are each and every one of us beings of freewill. I choose to keep hope alive and so it is that I continue seek, always on the lookout for the thing which completes me, my creative drive, my inspiration. It's out there, sometime, somewhere. I will find it again, if not in this lifetime then in the next or the one after that, a certainty which compels me ever onwards. It's as certain as Fate. Karma. Destiny
It was one of these very twists which brings me here today, the compulsion to record so significant an event in the shaping of my life almost overwhelming. Long ago yet ever present, the memory haunts me and at the same time drives me ever forward, the search for understanding and a longing to return to what once was the fuel that fires my desire. Of course none of this matters one whit unless you know what happened, though 'knowing' is also relative, still, I lay it out before you friend in the hope that it helps you not so much understand, rather that it may be of some benefit in your own interpretation of life and the living of it.
The day started as usual, really no different then any other. Neither wonder nor expectation in the air, no tickle on the back of the neck to signify what was to come, just another ordinary start to another ordinary day. Rise and shine, a quick cup and a long drive down a scenic old road, the kind which has been around long enough to become an integral part of the landscape rather than a mere route to and from. I consider myself quite lucky in this respect as it's a nice way to start and end a day, traveling this old bit of tarmac as it meanders through the forest, up, around and over rather than straight through as is the modern wont. I've traveled this route innumerable times and yet it still holds so many wonders that I always drive a bit slower than is necessary, observing the ways of nature and appreciating it for it's beauty, sometimes lively, sometimes somber, always fresh with the promise of mystery and new discovery.
It was because of this habit that I spotted the furtive movement near the old garage at the end of my trail, more a shed really but one I'd built with my own hands, a place to escape to and tinker for tinkering sake, located close enough to be handy and yet far enough away as to be a refuge from the rest of the world, my personal sanctuary. One instant I saw, the next I didn't, still, it was enough to warrant a closer look as I value my privacy. Though an uncommon occurrence given the nature of my temperament and the local knowledge of what may befall those unfortunate enough to incur my wrath, intruders might be tempted to explore and so it was that I drew my car to a halt and headed straight away for the door, my dander up and ready for a fight, no thought of danger, no thought at all truth be told. No, it was pure anger that dictated my stride and that stride was long and fast, full of purpose and determination to protect what was mine, all the fury that marked me as one not to be trifled with plain for even a blind man to see.
Bursting through the door with fists clenched I found...nothing. No, there, just behind the tires of the old car I'd been restoring since before it was old was a pair of bare feet and as I quickly rounded the front I found those feet attached to a pair of legs. Lovely legs to be sure and connected to that which was naught but a lass of some twenty summers, alabaster skin silky as fresh cream, dusted lightly with pale freckles so as to resemble the night sky in reverse and blaze red tresses in long, flowing ringlets, each winking and sparkling as if possessed by some internal fire. A vision of beauty to be sure, a fantasy come to life before me though it wasn't this which stopped me cold. No, it was those eyes. Those eyes of a hue so green as to rival any emerald, piercing, mesmerizing, curious and yet so full of knowing. Those eyes stopped me and held me transfixed, words naught but a buzzing in my head as I stood trapped by the gaze of this waif and so I would have remained had she not spoken, releasing me from the spell she'd cast.
"Hey, This place is mine! Who are you and what are you doing here!" she cried, the indignation in her voice so very real and yet I knew it was nothing but bluff and bluster. It was enough defuse my anger, bringing a wry smile to my face and twinkle to my eye as I replied in a voice tinged with the whisper of a chuckle.
"Me? I'm just the fellow who built this place. The important question is who you might be."
If I'd seen mystery in those eyes before I was mistaken for as we stood I found myself recognizing what lay behind them, all the dreams and visions that made life bearable, a shared knowledge of all that had come before and perhaps what was yet to be, all the answers to every question asked and not lay within those pools of luminescence, so close as to draw me in, dooming and yet breathing life into my very being all in the same instant. What hope was there for me as my soul recognized it's counterpoint? I was lost from that first glance and honestly I would have wished for no less.
Those initial words were still the only ones spoken when she reached out and gently kissed me. I can't say that I felt shock as it seemed only right, less the meeting of strangers as the reunion of old friends, lovers from another time and another place, raw emotion personified and made real. Would it last but an instant? Would it last forever? These thoughts couldn't intrude upon the moment nor could time itself. Time was naught but an intruder, uninvited, unwelcome and completely unnecessary as we lived full lives in the span of a heartbeat, living, dying and being reborn to live yet again in the blink of an eye. Never in all my years have I felt as complete as I did just then, the universe encompassing two beings lost for so very long, contentment personified. Was it heaven itself? Who knows. Who cares.
They say all good things must come to an end and this instance for all it's purity could only end under circumstance of opposite nature, a fact which became plain all to suddenly as the crashing of trees and the baying of hounds signified an abrupt end to this tranquility. The look in my waifs eyes was a mixture of fear and determination though I hadn't a clue as to why. Still, when she grabbed my hand and pulled I willingly followed, no thought other than to protect her in my mind as we ran from my former sanctuary and into the suddenly harsh light of the forest.
I had spent a lifetime amidst these woods and never felt the slightest trepidation within. Tree and stone, hill and dale, all were as familiar as my own kitchen and just as welcoming so it came as a shock when the light began to fade and the mist to rise. What was once a place so full of wonder was transforming before my eyes into a hostile environment, the very ground trying to hold us fast, roots and tendrils winding about our feet in an attempt to keep us hostage for whom ever or what ever was making it's way towards us. That they were coming was unquestionable as the ground shook beneath us, the calls from our pursuers ringing through the valleys as they followed with a speed unimaginable. And through all of this my waif kept up the flight, pulling me along with a persistence that I could not question, never faltering, never straying from some unseen path here in my once familiar haunt.
As we ran I felt my own inner self start to rise up again from were it had been damped by the spell of the lass and in that rising came the anger. It was this which drew me me up with feet planted and a fists raised, ready to defend my companion to the final breath...only to be yanked firmly back to the present by the very one I strove to protect. It took but a look into those eyes and a simple shake her head "No" to once again fall under that spell and we where off yet again on our journey to I knew not where.
Ever on we ran, the pursuit drawing closer with each passing second. Who were these demons which pursued us so and more importantly why? Each time I turned to defend it was the same, a firm tug and I, a grown man of uncommon strength found myself compelled to follow. The only thing that did seem to be changing was the look in my waif's eyes as where once was command there now lay a look of pleading, begging me to hurry along lest the unimaginable take place. And still they gained ground on us, these unseen foes that pursued us with unflagging determination. Did we run for minutes? Hours? Days? All was a blur, the only constant, the only bit of stability this mere slip of a girl who refused to be swayed. And so we ran.
The end seemed to come suddenly as it usually does, what was a prolonged chase swiftly drawing to a close for the final act. It was so when they finally caught us. I heard the snarling and felt the fetid breath on my neck and knew the time had finally come. There are rare times in life that a man can choose his own end and I could do no less than to go out in the only fashion I knew, an ice cold berserker, all fists and fury, a high end dealer in death and despair. It was who I was, it was what I did, a product not so much of training as evolution. It was this that gave me the strength to push my love to safety and with a spin charge my foes, the guttural cry which burst from my chest freezing them where they stood. Fear shaded their eyes, perhaps for the first time since they where spawned. Fear curdled their blood and created doubt. Fear brought visions of their own demise to chill their black hearts.
It's the mark of a man who can face down his enemies with nothing but honor as a weapon and I felt at that moment content to go to whatever end lay beyond the veil and challenge what was to be found there. Of course I hadn't counted on the waif and it was she with one last and mighty yank pulled me through...Into a space that was nothing and everything in equal measure.
I found myself standing with her in a stark white hallway, unadorned except for the door handles interspersed at regular intervals and bathed in a glow that seemed to ooze from the very walls. Words escaped me and what was more disturbing yet was the refusal of my companion to look me in the eye but instead, rather shyly, taking my hand and walking with me down this never ending passageway. As we traveled others beings appeared, always from the opposite direction and in passing a slight nod to my lass the only recognition they offered, their eyes when directed at me containing something more akin to pity and regret though for whom I was not certain.
Eventually we came to our destination, an unmarked door no different than any other yet my companion reached for the handle and we entered to find it contained no more than a simple white table and a pair of white chairs. For all the time this adventure had taken there had been not a single word spoken save those uttered so very long ago in the shed thus it came as a surprise when an older version of the lass entered of the room, gracing me with a rueful smile before embracing the waif and uttering "Oh Muse" in a voice filled with so much sadness and yet so much pride. And that was it. In a rush of sudden and total comprehension I knew what was happening. How or why didn't really matter, not anymore. After today nothing would matter again, nothing would ever be the same. I would never be the same. And so the darkness overtook me.
I awoke to find my waif, my love, my muse knelling at my feet as she held my hands in hers, the tears spilling freely from those emerald eyes, eyes once so filled with knowing now tinged by unbearable sadness. And yet that sadness had always been there, I know that now as she had set out upon her quest with the full knowledge of the price to be paid at it's end, paid willingly but at such a terrible cost to us both. There was nothing more to say, nothing more that needed saying, only one last embrace and a kiss as the tears mingled freely upon our cheeks. For a single moment we were as we were meant to be, one person, one soul, raw emotion transforming us and making us whole and transcendent in all it's power and glory. And then it was done. My muse slowly rose and walked towards the door with but one last look cast towards me, a look so filled with longing and regret that I still feel it's impact even today.
Light that seemed to emanate from nowhere and everywhere welled up till I was blinded by it's intensity, then fading to reveal that I lay in my own bed, in my own home. And yet, there, shimmering before my eyes was the face of my muse, smiling and content in the knowledge she had succeeded in her mission. Slowly the image faded leaving me nothing but tear stained cheeks and the lingering touch of her lips as proof that any of this had occurred. Not that it mattered as the ache from the hole left in my heart was all the reminder needed.
Such is life my friends. The psyche extracts a heavy price when it so chooses. It cares little for matters of the heart, never asking opinion nor indeed even acknowledging such matters, the overall survival of the host it's only objective. In my case it was a simple yet utterly cruel option, sanity over inspiration, my inner muse for the sake of continued lucidity. I was never asked consent, rather it was a matter decided deep within the recesses that we define as conscience and the soul, that place of pure fact and abject fantasy that defines who we are and more importantly what we are to be. So it is that our lives are shaped by the unseen, sometimes willingly and at other times forced upon us.
That's not to say there is no hope for we are each and every one of us beings of freewill. I choose to keep hope alive and so it is that I continue seek, always on the lookout for the thing which completes me, my creative drive, my inspiration. It's out there, sometime, somewhere. I will find it again, if not in this lifetime then in the next or the one after that, a certainty which compels me ever onwards. It's as certain as Fate. Karma. Destiny
