How to take over an alien ship
Created | Updated Sep 5, 2004
How to take over an alien ship
Fact: Aliens love preying on unsuspecting farmers and drunks who don't want attention.
When abducted by aliens to be experimented on one might find himself a little disoriented. The purpose of this entry is to arm anyone who finds himself in this situation with a good list of things to do in order to escape from the aliens or in an even better case take over the ship entirely.
1. Find out what's going on:
No matter how you got there it is important to figure out why and how long, for instance, if you find yourself tied to a bed and your head and butt is sore it is more likely you got drunk arrested by the police and then raped by a big biker guy who murdered lots of people and made you his bitch over night. In another instance, if you find yourself tied to a bed and your face and butt are sore but you see lots of blinking lights and an alien it is likely that you got drunk stood out in a field got abducted by aliens and then got raped by a guy with purple tentacles. If the second is the case then proceed to step two. If the first is true than ask your bunk mate to slap you in the face.
2. Figure out how to get out:
This is in fact the trickiest step. You are probably securely tied down to the bunk or metal slab or whatever you're on so your first priority should be figuring out a way to cut it using mind powers, or a laser. If you do not have mind powers or a razor just complain a lot until the aliens either a) knock you out or b) undo you becuase you are a human and your bitching is very VERY annoying. Option a is not the one you want so if they continue to knock you out stop worrying about escaping and learn to love being anally probed. If by some chance though the second happens then this is your oppurtunity to escape
You are now undone go to step three.
3. Point over there and say look.
The most childish step it is also vital to the escape/takeover procedure, aliens don't know all the human tricks in the book, so they will most likely be distracted by whichever direction you pointed this is your chance to hit them in the head/brain pod and knock them out thus leaving you guardless in whichever room of the spaceship you may be in. It may be wise to hide your guards in a closet, or if there is one available an airlock that dumps them into the vacuum that is space.
4. Walk around aimlessly.
After having gotten rid of the guards now is a good time to look for other captured humans who might aid you in taking over the ship. If you can't find any then look for an escape pod. If you can't find one then start opening doors looking for something really vital. If you find something that looks like an engine room or a cool control pannel then start pressing random buttons/throw something heavy in the works. If nothing happens such as: the ship blowing up/ starting thermonuclear war with earth/ alerting all the alien space marines of your location, then you have failed and need to keep looking for important looking rooms.
5. Do something cool.
After having found something cool it is important to make sure you have no idea what you're doing. If you know what buttons your pressing or what type of hyperwarp space travel device that you're screwing up then you are likely to do something wrong. It is known that dumb luck is much more likely to help then any sort of "knowledge" you may have of alien ships as that knowledge is probably very limited and most likely off of Star Trek. If you do find the bridge make sure you press lots of buttons or try to grease the aliens with a 20 in order to have them land in washington or london or the nearest farm.
6. If all else fails.
If all else fails land face down on the floor and start weeping, you ARE screwed. You are in a completely unfamiliar environment with aliens who want to probe your anus. If found you will most likely be killed and thrown into space. If you are not afraid to die then continue with steps 2-5 if you are afraid to die and would rather be anally probed for the rest of your life until you are dropped back onto your farm where you will be interviewed by world news weekly then go ahead and stay laying on your bed. In fact it might be helpful to the aliens if you flip over exposing your buttocks.
All this information may be crap and probably won't help in the event of an actual alien abduction. It is in fact your fault that you got abducted and not mine so if you do get taken up and follow these steps and still get probed then it is YOUR FAULT. Do NOT hunt me down, I will cry, I will whine, It will not be pretty.
