Why everyone should own a monkey
Created | Updated Sep 4, 2004
In todays world, everyone who is anyone, and even people who are no one, (and if I dare be so bold to say even people who think they are someone) own at least one pet. I guess in todays politically correct society they should be called domestic animals ( or something ), but Im too lazy, so we shall, for purely laziness purposes, call them pets. Everyone owns a pet. You probably own a pet, or at one point in your life have ownded a pet, and if you havent, something is very wrong with you and you should get yourself one, borrow a friends, because chances are, you know someone who has a pet. But thats not the point. The point is this: Everyone has a pet. But they have the wrong type of pet.
When people buy pets they buy silly things like dogs, cats, horses, and freshwater trout. These are uneducated silly decisions to make. And yes, I did just use the word silly. For you see, if everyone owned a certain type of pet, all problems would be solved. What kind of problems you ask? Be patient my friend, I am getting to that. Patience is a virtue. I think we need to practice some patience. Count to 30 before you keep reading.
You didnt count to 30. Thats not cool. You need to work on your patience. Why? dont ask dumb questions.
Back to the pets. The problems I speak of (or should I say ProbLEM) is this: Everyone is allergic to something, and chances are, the one species of pigmy shrew that your friend/husband/cousin/accountant owns, is the one you are deadly allergic too, so therefore you will never be able to visit them. (However in the case of your accountant this might not be such a bad thing)
So why not get a monkey? From what Ive been told (ok I havent been told anything, Im taking a wild stab at things here) Not very many people are allergic to monkeys. And if they are, well.. they are wasting their time reading this ( I suggest they go read the article on how to train cheese ) Monkeys are little furry bundles of joy, unless you get a howler monkey (again Im going to take a wild stab here) then they are little furry bundles of noise. Assuming that they howl, which is what I would assume howler monkeys do. I mean sure, monkeys may be a nuisance to clean up after, and they might smell funny, but theyre awesome! Hell, and if you believe in evolution they could be your cousin a million times removed or something sick like that.
Now, for something to back up what Im saying here take this following conversation that took place when someone DIDNT buy a monkey..
*ring ring*
Bob: Hello?
Joe: Hi this is Joe.
Bob: Oh hullo Joe how are you?
Joe: Just great, I just bought a new dog. Would you like to come over and see him? And maybe we can work on our science too..
Bob: Oh I would love too, except I am allergic to dogs, so maybe once he's died or something.
Joe: OK see you then.. bye Bob.
*click*
and unfortunately Bob and Joes friendship died right then and there. However, if Joe had gotten a monkey, they would have stayed friends, and they wouldve gotten together that one fateful day to work on their science project, which, by the way was a cure for the hiccups.
The world would be a better place if everyone had a monkey. As I just proved, there would be a cure for hiccups. I am going to own a monkey one day. I am going to name him Roy. It is a day I look forward to.
So please.. for the sake of all thinks hiccupy, go get yourself a monkey!!
When people buy pets they buy silly things like dogs, cats, horses, and freshwater trout. These are uneducated silly decisions to make. And yes, I did just use the word silly. For you see, if everyone owned a certain type of pet, all problems would be solved. What kind of problems you ask? Be patient my friend, I am getting to that. Patience is a virtue. I think we need to practice some patience. Count to 30 before you keep reading.
You didnt count to 30. Thats not cool. You need to work on your patience. Why? dont ask dumb questions.
Back to the pets. The problems I speak of (or should I say ProbLEM) is this: Everyone is allergic to something, and chances are, the one species of pigmy shrew that your friend/husband/cousin/accountant owns, is the one you are deadly allergic too, so therefore you will never be able to visit them. (However in the case of your accountant this might not be such a bad thing)
So why not get a monkey? From what Ive been told (ok I havent been told anything, Im taking a wild stab at things here) Not very many people are allergic to monkeys. And if they are, well.. they are wasting their time reading this ( I suggest they go read the article on how to train cheese ) Monkeys are little furry bundles of joy, unless you get a howler monkey (again Im going to take a wild stab here) then they are little furry bundles of noise. Assuming that they howl, which is what I would assume howler monkeys do. I mean sure, monkeys may be a nuisance to clean up after, and they might smell funny, but theyre awesome! Hell, and if you believe in evolution they could be your cousin a million times removed or something sick like that.
Now, for something to back up what Im saying here take this following conversation that took place when someone DIDNT buy a monkey..
*ring ring*
Bob: Hello?
Joe: Hi this is Joe.
Bob: Oh hullo Joe how are you?
Joe: Just great, I just bought a new dog. Would you like to come over and see him? And maybe we can work on our science too..
Bob: Oh I would love too, except I am allergic to dogs, so maybe once he's died or something.
Joe: OK see you then.. bye Bob.
*click*
and unfortunately Bob and Joes friendship died right then and there. However, if Joe had gotten a monkey, they would have stayed friends, and they wouldve gotten together that one fateful day to work on their science project, which, by the way was a cure for the hiccups.
The world would be a better place if everyone had a monkey. As I just proved, there would be a cure for hiccups. I am going to own a monkey one day. I am going to name him Roy. It is a day I look forward to.
So please.. for the sake of all thinks hiccupy, go get yourself a monkey!!
