In The Beginning...

The site of modern Birmingham was first formally settled by the Romans in 12 AD, as a stop off on Watling Street where soldiers could water their horses and practice their ancient Welsh.

Legend has it that it was the Celts who first founded the site, but only as a place for weaving spells out of fleece. When the Roman army built their motel there the land was turned over to the prefect of Camulodunum and the name changed from Baermeg to Bermigium in the official tablets.

The New Wave

When the Roman armies withdrew in the 5th century and the Angles and Saxons began their migration
into the country, a temple was built there in honour of Woden and the name again altered to
Bribningham, ‘Bribning’ meaning ‘homage’ or ‘payment’.

The viking invasions four centuries later brought about further changes. Bribningham never fell under the Danelaw, but the Midlands were an attractive region for Norse
settlers*, who referred to the settlement by the name we now know it under, finding
the Anglo-saxon variant a little hard on the tongue.

Under Norman rule Birmingham was regarded as a strategic post for controlling
the outlaws in Sherwood, which at that time extended all the way from Nottingham
to Cardiff *. The citizens of Birmingham, however, were always ready to lend a
helping hand and hide outlaws from the sheriff’s men. Often priest holes were chosen for this, though they came along much later *.

In 1346 the Pope granted the town city status, it being the birthplace of Saint Bartitude. Old St Bart was later exfoliated by the Vatican, but Birmingham remained a city nonetheless.

A Stitch In Time...

The Agricultural Revolution and its sequel, the Industrial one, were to bring great fortune and fame to Birmingham, which was gaining inhabitants by the cartload.

The manufacture of buttons and Tellytubbies in the city has been attested to in modern times by the great leaders of the world, but Birmingham also produced other things. Including socks. It was all very fascinating.

It was at this time that the area branched out into continental vogues, namely the chasing of bulls through the city streets. It was indeed in Birmingham that the phrase 'bull in a china shop' originated, after one infamous incident in the Jewellery Quarter, which subsequently put a stop to such Iberian insanity.

Pappa's Got a Brand New Bag

Birmingham's motto, according to some web-sources, is “Forward”, and a statue was erected in Centenary Square to represent this duosyllabular concept. The local inhabitants, Brummies to a man, regarded the ill-fated statue as a figure of fun, it's fibre-glass nature making it look as if it had been carved from butter. Indeed, the monument acquired a nickname after a popular brand of that very dairy produce.

In the beginning of the second millenium some public-spirited young scientist set out to test whether the statue was indeed sculpted in butter, by setting fire to it. The statue melted away in a cloud of toxic fumes and the arsenist was duly accosted.

The event was however overshadowed by the completion of the new Bull Ring - Birmingham's large commercial centre. A bronze bull guards the entrance to the complex, relaxing his vigil only to allow tourists to take photos and small children to wipe ice-cream on his face.

If In Doubt, Shout

Under an old charter, the counties of the West Midlands and Warwickshire hold the right to pass
their own laws, many of which tourists thoughtlessly flout, resulting in loss of life or liberty. Here are but a few:

Window shopping can be punishable by a £3,000 fine. This suits the Brummies well, as most of them have windows anyway.*Gods must be kept on leads at all times. This particular law has been the cause of many schisms, and is believed to have been a misprint. It is however beyond refution, short of an expensive high court hearing.
Citizens or visitors not in possession of a 'Brugling Card' (obtainable from the Ministry of Passes on Stephenson Street) will be required to attend the Maybury Midnight Mass every night in Brindley Place. Clothes and other belongings to be left with the night watchman in the ICC.
The word 'firkin' has been outlawed since its earliest use in the 14th century, being as it was a synonym for 'scallybastion'.
Even to this day the word is not uttered without fear of retribution.
Anyone seen to be oggling the fountain in Victoria Square may be asked to press their nose to the wall of the central post office for half an hour and then submit a 100 word essay on lechery to the local magistrate's court.