How to have a good time in Bournemouth
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
<b>Bournemouth:</b><p>
Bournemouth is, by conservative, retirement town standards, very, very cool.<p>
If arriving by train (Bournemouth is served predominantly by <a href="http://www.swtrains.co.uk"><b>South West Trains</a></b>...quite possibly the worst service in the known universe), you're stuffed. The railway station is miles out of the way. Hop on a bus immediately (or into a taxi...more on Bournemouth cabs later) and demand to go to <b>The Square</b>.<p>
The Square is the ideal place to start a tour of Bournemouth. During the day, all shops imaginable are within walking distance. Wander around for a few hours and I categorically DEFY you to not find a shop you like. Keep looking...refreshing yourself in a few of the many public houses and bars strategically placed at regular intervals. You can get very drunk very easily whilst shopping in Bournemouth. This is not advisable, however. Bournemouth is about as close to cosmopolitan as you get in Dorset, and the prices for everything reflect this and magnify it three-fold. You need a big wad. Being a retirement town, everything is extortionate. This is so because the retail industry is well aware of the short remaining life-span of the majority of its clientelle, and aims to extract as much money as possible from them before they croak and leave it all to a cats' home. If you have the financial wherewithal though, stick with it until sunset.<p>
Despite the fact that this is a seaside town, Bournemouth is busy pretty much all year round. Doubly so in summer, when the place floods with <i>"grockles"</i>. <i>"Grockles"</i> are people who come into Dorset from somewhere other than Dorset. Tourists in other words. The tourist industry sustains this town, but also makes a right mess of it too. Come here in winter, not summer...trust me. You'll spend less time queueing and get less chewing-gum stuck to your new shoes.<p>
Nightlife is varied (and expensive). The multitidinous pubs are joined by a plethora of bijou drinkeries in the early evening. Places to be seen are:<p>
<b>Bar Med</b> (tries to be posh and fails)<p>
<b>Yates's</b> (they're all the same)<p>
<b>Edwards</b> (erm...so are these)<p>
<b>Jumpin' Jack's</b> (theme bar...although no-one's quite figured out what the theme's meant to be...live music most nights if that helps at all)<p>
<b>Hot Rocks</b> (surfer-themed bar, nice food)<p>
<b>Slam</b> (tries to be posh and succeeds...provided you're minted, you'll have fun here)<p>
<b>K-bar</b> (more of the same)<p>
If you'd prefer to do something other than drink with pretentious berks, there are three different cinema complexes around town, several casinos and a <b>Sega World</b>. Gentlemen's clubs (OK, strip joints) abound too...I recommend <b>Jezebels</b> and <b>For Your Eyes Only</b>.<p>
After time is called at the bar, staggering to one of the following nightclubs to finish the job might be a good idea...or a spectacularly bad one...either way, it'll be fun trying to get in. All the bouncers in Dorset HATE anyone who has a regional accent other than their own. As a rule of thumb, put on the most outrageous "oooh-aaar" farmer type voice and you should be alright. Places to go are:<p>
<b><a href="http://www.slinky.co.uk">Slinky</a></b> (Also known as The Opera House, Boscombe...trendy and big...club mecca for the South West)<p>
<b>Zoo/Cage</b> (second most popular venue in town...meat market)<p>
<b>Berlins</b> (disturbingly like a church hall)<p>
<b>The Villa</b> (used to be a cool rock club called the Hot House...underage drinkers rule here now...avoid)<p>
<b>Club X</b> (hard-to-find new rock club...10 points if you spot it)<p>
There are loads of others...I can't think of them off the top of my head though, so they can't be that good.<p>
Apres club, you won't go short of a bite to eat either...all the major fast-food franchises are open late Thursday to Sunday, and there are plenty of Kebab houses, burger vans and other culinary cess-pits where cheap food may be consumed noisily and messily then vomited back up two minutes down the street.<p>
Trying to catch a cab now? You poor sod. Bournemouth taxis are yellow, noisy, often smell of stale urine and never...repeat: NEVER EVER stop when you try to hail one after 1am. Your best bet is to pre-order one and arrange for it to pick you up from a residential address (just pick one and stand outside if you're here alone). Alternatively, there are literally hundreds of hotels and B&Bs which seem to be permanently empty...find one to crash out in local to the town centre early in the afternoon and stagger back there when you've had your fun.
Bournemouth is, by conservative, retirement town standards, very, very cool.<p>
If arriving by train (Bournemouth is served predominantly by <a href="http://www.swtrains.co.uk"><b>South West Trains</a></b>...quite possibly the worst service in the known universe), you're stuffed. The railway station is miles out of the way. Hop on a bus immediately (or into a taxi...more on Bournemouth cabs later) and demand to go to <b>The Square</b>.<p>
The Square is the ideal place to start a tour of Bournemouth. During the day, all shops imaginable are within walking distance. Wander around for a few hours and I categorically DEFY you to not find a shop you like. Keep looking...refreshing yourself in a few of the many public houses and bars strategically placed at regular intervals. You can get very drunk very easily whilst shopping in Bournemouth. This is not advisable, however. Bournemouth is about as close to cosmopolitan as you get in Dorset, and the prices for everything reflect this and magnify it three-fold. You need a big wad. Being a retirement town, everything is extortionate. This is so because the retail industry is well aware of the short remaining life-span of the majority of its clientelle, and aims to extract as much money as possible from them before they croak and leave it all to a cats' home. If you have the financial wherewithal though, stick with it until sunset.<p>
Despite the fact that this is a seaside town, Bournemouth is busy pretty much all year round. Doubly so in summer, when the place floods with <i>"grockles"</i>. <i>"Grockles"</i> are people who come into Dorset from somewhere other than Dorset. Tourists in other words. The tourist industry sustains this town, but also makes a right mess of it too. Come here in winter, not summer...trust me. You'll spend less time queueing and get less chewing-gum stuck to your new shoes.<p>
Nightlife is varied (and expensive). The multitidinous pubs are joined by a plethora of bijou drinkeries in the early evening. Places to be seen are:<p>
<b>Bar Med</b> (tries to be posh and fails)<p>
<b>Yates's</b> (they're all the same)<p>
<b>Edwards</b> (erm...so are these)<p>
<b>Jumpin' Jack's</b> (theme bar...although no-one's quite figured out what the theme's meant to be...live music most nights if that helps at all)<p>
<b>Hot Rocks</b> (surfer-themed bar, nice food)<p>
<b>Slam</b> (tries to be posh and succeeds...provided you're minted, you'll have fun here)<p>
<b>K-bar</b> (more of the same)<p>
If you'd prefer to do something other than drink with pretentious berks, there are three different cinema complexes around town, several casinos and a <b>Sega World</b>. Gentlemen's clubs (OK, strip joints) abound too...I recommend <b>Jezebels</b> and <b>For Your Eyes Only</b>.<p>
After time is called at the bar, staggering to one of the following nightclubs to finish the job might be a good idea...or a spectacularly bad one...either way, it'll be fun trying to get in. All the bouncers in Dorset HATE anyone who has a regional accent other than their own. As a rule of thumb, put on the most outrageous "oooh-aaar" farmer type voice and you should be alright. Places to go are:<p>
<b><a href="http://www.slinky.co.uk">Slinky</a></b> (Also known as The Opera House, Boscombe...trendy and big...club mecca for the South West)<p>
<b>Zoo/Cage</b> (second most popular venue in town...meat market)<p>
<b>Berlins</b> (disturbingly like a church hall)<p>
<b>The Villa</b> (used to be a cool rock club called the Hot House...underage drinkers rule here now...avoid)<p>
<b>Club X</b> (hard-to-find new rock club...10 points if you spot it)<p>
There are loads of others...I can't think of them off the top of my head though, so they can't be that good.<p>
Apres club, you won't go short of a bite to eat either...all the major fast-food franchises are open late Thursday to Sunday, and there are plenty of Kebab houses, burger vans and other culinary cess-pits where cheap food may be consumed noisily and messily then vomited back up two minutes down the street.<p>
Trying to catch a cab now? You poor sod. Bournemouth taxis are yellow, noisy, often smell of stale urine and never...repeat: NEVER EVER stop when you try to hail one after 1am. Your best bet is to pre-order one and arrange for it to pick you up from a residential address (just pick one and stand outside if you're here alone). Alternatively, there are literally hundreds of hotels and B&Bs which seem to be permanently empty...find one to crash out in local to the town centre early in the afternoon and stagger back there when you've had your fun.
