Business Travel

2 Conversations

Those of you who travel extensively on business will understand the teeth gnashing that ensues whenever some desk-bound individual says, 'Oh, isn't it lovely that you get to travel the world'.

Business travel should never be confused with having a holiday1. Business travel is a form of corporate torture specifically designed to break down the resistance of the employee until they are left a sycophantic yes-person inclined to babble incoherently.

The torture of business travel includes three necessary elements:

  • Evil stewardesses - It doesn't matter what airline you fly; if you are flying in business class you are guaranteed to get the meanest, cruellest, most sadistic stewardesses available. Those who fly 'executive class' experience this phenomenon multiplied by a factor of ten. One could be forgiven for thinking that these individuals have been hired and trained specifically to awaken the passenger at the exact moment that they are about to enter REM sleep by pushing a tray of unwanted, tasteless breakfast in front of them.

  • Sightseeing - Business travellers get a fantastic opportunity to see the sights during the ride from the airport to the hotel, and from the hotel to the meeting. Any interest or unique sight that isn't along this route may as well not exist. The sights that do exist along these direct taxi routes are often missed, as the traveller often has his or her eyes closed in terror of the local driving techniques.

  • Jet lag - It doesn't matter if the flight was only 13 minutes long2, the business traveller will always experience jet lag, if only of the psychosomatic variety, thereby placing them at an immediate disadvantage in business discussions.

The phrase 'why don't you come to our offices for the meeting' is a strategic move designed to immediately gain the upper hand in negotiations, due to the traveller being brain dead through sleep deprivation, taxi terror and jet lag.

In matters of business always remember - the person who travels, loses.

1A holiday can be defined as leaving one's home for the purpose of pleasure, relaxation and consumption of funny coloured alcoholic drinks with silly pink umbrellas in them.2A flight from the city of Fredericton to St John in New Brunswick, Canada, takes only 13 minutes.

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