God & Gates
3 Important Men
One day God was looking over creation and He decided that He wasn't really happy with the way things
turned out. So He called the 3 most powerfull men on earth, Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates,
to come and see Him. He told them that this experiment with life on earth was a failure, and that in 3
days He was going to end it. So basically they had 3 days to prepare their people.
So Boris Yeltsin convenes an emergency meeting of the Russian Parliment and says: "I have bad news, and
really bad news. First of all, we were wrong, there really is a God. Secondly everything we have worked
for since the revolution will be totally destroyed in 3 days."
Bill Clinton makes a State of the Union address to the American people on TV and says: "I have good news
and bad news. First of all, we were right, there is a God. Secondly, everything we have worked for since
the revolution will be destroyed in 3 days."
Bill Gates convenes a meeting of the board of directors and says: "I have good news, and really good
news. First of all, there is a God, and He spoke to me personally. Secondly, in 3 days, OS2 will stop
Bill Gates Goes to Heaven
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in
the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a
hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say
'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your behind and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate
form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill
started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers
connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workers were crawling all over the place,
getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then go to Hell!!"
3 More Important Men
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.
They are standing before God, seated on his throne.
God asks Al: "What do you believe?"
Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"
Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."