BTVS QUOTES - XANDER
Created | Updated Jun 26, 2004
SEASON 1
(WELCOME TO THE HELLMOUTH - Xander when he first met Buffy)
"Can I have you? uh... Can I help you?"
(WELCOME TO THE HELLMOUTH - Xander giving Buffy her stake back)
"And to return this! The only thing I can think is you're building a really little fence"
(WITCH - Xander being a wimp lol)
"Uh I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide until it goes away"
(WITCH)
"For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me."
(WITCH)
"First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale"
(TEACHERS PET - Xander after he attempted to talk to Miss French)
"It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to."
(TEACHERS PET - Xander to Miss French)
"No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen."
(THE PACK)
"We just saw the zebras mating! Thank you, very exciting..."
(THE PACK - Xander about the bullies)
"Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids."
(ANGEL - Xander to Buffy about Angel)
"You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!"
(ANGEL- Xander backtracking when Cordelia heard the word 'Vampire')
"Not vampire, umpire, how could you be inlove with an unmpire, everyone hates them"
(ANGEL - Xander to Buffy about Angel)
" Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?"
(ME ROBOT YOU JANE - Xander to Miss Calender about spending so much time in the library)
"To read makes our speaky English good"
(ME ROBOT YOU JANE - Xander about Willow being happy)
"Yep colour in the cheeks, bounce in the step...I don't like it...it's not healthy"
(ME ROBOT YOU JANE)
"Hey! I got to hit someone!"
(THE PUPPET SHOW)
"Did I mention that I *hate* this school?"
(NIGHTMARES - Xander about Cordelia)
"Wendal. what is wrong with you, dont you know that she is the center of the uniberse and the rest of us just mearly revolve around her"
(OUT OF MIND OUT OF SIGHT - Xander about research)
"What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?"
(OUT OF MIND OUT OS SIGHT - Xander when Cordelia disses them after thanking them for saving her life)
"Boy, Wheres an invisable girl when you need one?"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander asking Buffy to go to the dance with him)
"I know were friends and weve had experiences, founght some blood sucking fiends and thats all been a good time, but I want more"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander still asking Buffy out)
"Well Willow's not looking to date you, or if she is she's playing it pretty close to the chest"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander to Willow after Buffy rejected him)
"On a scale of one to ten, it sucked!...Well I guess it could be worse, i could have gangrene on my face"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander after Willow rejected his offer to the dance also)
"That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain."
SEASON 2
(WHEN SHE WAS BAD - Xander about Buffy)
"Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me?....She's possessed"
(WHEN SHE WAS BAD - Xander to Buffy and Willow about what they should do tonight)
"We could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledge hammer...but gosh we did that last night"
(SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED - Xander taking the mick out of Giles about dating Jenny)
"Is now the time to talk about the facts of life...cause that whole stalk thing...smoke screen!"
(SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED - Xander to Cordy when she doesn't wanna help)
"Fine, but if you see an army of zombies, can you page us before they...say...EAT YOUR FLESH!"
(SCHOOL HARD - Xander about Angel and his dissapearing thing)
"Alright thats it!...I'm putting a collar with a bell on that guy"
(INCA MUMMY GIRL - Xander getting jelous when he thought a male exchange student was coming to stay with Buffy)
"Oh Yeah....fall for the old let me translate that ancient seal for you, come on....Do you know how many times I've used that one"
(INCA MUMMY GIRL - Xander after he found out his date was a mummy)
"Yeah but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship"
(REPTILE BOY - Xander to Cordelia)
"So Cor, are you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation or are you just going with the halter top tonight?"
(REPTILE BOY - Xander about the frat party)
"Whoa! Whoa,wo,wo, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?"
(REPTILE BOY - Xander just as Angel walks in)
"Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?....Hey, man, how you doin'?"
(HALLOWEEN - Xander about the wacky notion that vamps stay in on halloween)
"Those wacky vampires, thats why I love em, they just keep ya guessing"
(HALLOWEEN - Xander when he saw Buffy in her hollween costume)
"Private Harris reporting for.....Buffy, Lady of Buff and Duchess of Buffonia, I am in ahh, I completley renounce spandex"
(HALOWEEN - Xander when Cordy asks him if guns make him wanna have sex)
"I'm 17, looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex"
(THE DARK AGE - Xander when asked to stay at school on a saturday)
"ooohhh gang, didya hear that, a bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and its my best day ever!"
(THE DARK AGE)
"Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades"
(WHATS MY LINE PART 1 - Xander on career day)
"When you look at me....do you think?........Prison Guard?"
(WHAT MY LINE PART 2)
"A Slayer, huh? I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter"
(SUPRISE PART 1 - Xander when Buffy finds a big arm that tried to strangle her on her birthday)
"Well, clearly the Hellmouth's answer to 'what do you get the Slayer who has everything?"
(INNOCENCE PART 2)
"Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan...Now I'm having a wiggins!"
(BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED - Xander when Cordy breaks up with him)
"Do you know whats a good to break up with somebody? Any day besides valentines day! I mean, what were you running low on dramaic irony?"
(BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED - Xander when his love spell goes wrong)
"Thats it! This has gotta stop, it's time for me to take it like a man ........and hide"
(PASSION - Xander when Giles goes after Angelus)
"If Giles wants to go after the fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say faster pussycat kill! kill!"
(KILLED BY DEATH)
"Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!"
(I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU)
"Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?"
(GO FISH - Xander when he finds out that steriods are turning the swim team into sea monsters)
"Yeah, but is steriod abuse usually linked with....Hey I'm a fish!"
(BECOMING PART 2)
"Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here"
SEASON 3
(DEAD MANS PARTY - Xander about Giles)
"Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a..a looker or a..a seer"
(DEAD MANS PARTY - Xander to Joyce about the zombies)
"Generally speaking, when scary things get scared....not good!"
(FAITH, HOPE AND TRICK - Xander to Buffy)
"Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut"
(FAITH, HOPE AND TRICK)
"And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid"
(BEAUTY AND THE BEASTS - Xander trying to comfort Oz when someone has been eaten)
"Oz does not eat people, its more warewolf play. y'know I bat you around a bit, like a cat toy, I have harmless wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know side effect, people get cut to ribbons and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and.....Im not helping am I?"
(BAND CANDY - Xander about the band candy)
"These things are seeling like hot cakes....which is ironic really, caus the hot cakes really arnt moving"
(REVELATIONS)
"I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason"
(REVELATIONS)
"Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess"
(GINGERBREAD - When they were searching lockers)
"Aw, man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker!"
(GINGERBREAD)
"I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow for some beans. No one else is seeing the funny here"
(ZEPPO)
O'Toole: "What are you, retarded?"
Xander: "No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything"
(ZEPPO)
Xander: "Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword"
O'Toole: "She's called Katie"
Xander: "You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you"
(ZEPPO)
O'Toole: "I like you"
Xander: "Yay?"
(ZEPPO - Xander when Faith was coming onto him)
"Oh Im up....I'm suddenly very up..Its just i've never been up with people before"
(ZEPPO)
"Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs"
(DOPPELGANGLAND)
"Uh... Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't wanna fall back on bad habits. Hands! Hands in new places!"
(DOPPELGANGLAND)
"So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? Oh, yeah. I'm bad"
(ENEMIES)
"Yes. I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise"
(EARSHOT)
"Yeah, I mean who hasnt idly thought of taking out the place with a semi-automatic...I said idly"
SEASON 4
(FRESHMAN)
"Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous Ladies Night club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made out of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?"
(LIVING CONDITIONS)
"Why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor?"
(HARSH LIGHT OF DAY - Xander when he finds a TV at Giles house)
"Woh, Giles has a TV, Everybody Giles has a TV.. he's shallow like us"
(FEAR ITSELF - Xander when Giles comes through the wall)
"It's Giles, Hey everyone its Giles....with a chainsaw?"
(BEAR BAD - Xander when Buffy goes all cave girl)
"How much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they seriously start questing for fire?"
(BEER BAD)
"Giles, don't make Cave-Slayer unhappy."
(DOOMED)
"I hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space. My space! And as much I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum and as much as I know that I could give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something. You're not even worth it!"
(THE I IN TEAM - Xander to Willow whilst playing cards)
"You know magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating"
(THE I IN TEAM - Xander to Spike when he runs in smoking)
"Spike, you may wanna give up these morning jogs!"
(GOODBYE IOWA - Xander to Willow about the blaster gun)
"It's called a 'Blaster' Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation, now if it was called the Orgasimator I'd be the first to your basic button-press approach"
(GOODBYE IOWA - Xander when he see's the Initative)
"I totally get it now! Canb i have sex with Riley too?"
(THIS YEARS GIRL - Xander to Riley)
"There's no way to politely ask you this, but did they put a chip in your brain?"
(THIS YEARS GIRL - Xander about Adam and Faith)
"I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic."
(WHERE WILD THINGS ARE - Xander arguing with Anya in front of a group of children and there parents)
"You want sex, lets have sex, right here! Hot sweaty big sex!"
(WHERE WILD THINGS ARE - Xander when he see Giles singing)
"Um could we go back to the haunted house? Cause this is freaking me out!"
(WHERE WILD THINGS ARE - Xander about the polterguiest)
"So with Buffy and Riley having...you know, acts of nakedness around the clock latley...maybe they set something free...like a big bursting Poltergasim"
(THE YOKO FACTOR - Xander to Buffy)
"Just cause you're better than us, doesn't man you can be all superior"
(THE YOKO FACTOR - Xander when he heard what Adams plans were)
"Does anyone else miss the Mayor....I just wanna be a big snake"
(PRIMEVIL)
"Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done!.....Nah, I can't even act surprised."
(RESTLESS - Xander in Willows dream)
"Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell and then I do a spell by myself"
(RESTLESS - Xander to Snyder in his dream)
"You know I never got a chance to tell you how glad I was that you got eaten by a snake"
SEASON 5
(BUFFY VS DRACULA - Xander to Buffy)
"I'm supposed to deliver you to the master now, caus theres this whole thing where I get to be immortal, you cool with that?"
(BUFFY VS DRACULA - Xander to the gang about Dracula)
"Where is he? Wheres the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?"
(REAL ME - Xander when Harmony came looking to fight Buffy)
"Then I'll bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call, afraid you and your buddies 'll have to come back and be killed by Buffy later"
(THE REPLACMENT - Xander about his double)
"A demon! A demon has taken my life from me and is living it better than I do!"
(LISTENING TO FEAR - Xander about the queller)
"Meteor go boom! Crazy man go bye bye"
(CRUSH - Xander getting Jelous that he's not Dawns crush anymore)
"I'm the one she has a crush on, me! It;s always been me, big funny Xander, oh what she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one anymore, why's that ok?"
SEASON 6
(BARGENING PART 2 - Xander to Willow when Tara sent them a little light to find there way home)
"How long have you known your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?"
(TWO TO GO - Xander to Andrew and Jonathan when they were arguing)
"Boys if you dont knock it off, I will pull over and you can walk to your painful deaths from here"
SEASON 7
(BENEATH YOU - Xander about Sunnydale)
"Sunnydale, come for the food, stay for the dismemberment"
(HIM - When Xander has to let Spike stay)
To Spike - "You're going to live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet but it s a room now. You re not going to touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning and if I use up all the hot water, that s your tough noogies."
To Buffy - "And I hate this plan."
Back to Spike - "Are you keeping up or do you need some kind of English-to-Constant-Pain-in-My-Ass translation?"
(SLEEPER - Xander about Spike staying at Buffy's house)
Oh an out of control serial killer, you're right that is a great house guest"
POTENTIAL - Xander about the Bringers)
"Saw the spell?....Dawn they cant see flashcards...Big ones"
(GET IT DONE - Xander about the puppets in the slayer box)
"Puppets! Thats it! The First hates puppets... now if we can just air-lift Kermit, Fuzzy the Bear and Miss Piggy into town, The First be a running!"
(EMPTY PLACES - Xander joking about loosing his eye)
"You know what the best part is? No-one will ever make me watch Jaws 3D again"
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(WELCOME TO THE HELLMOUTH - Xander when he first met Buffy)
"Can I have you? uh... Can I help you?"
(WELCOME TO THE HELLMOUTH - Xander giving Buffy her stake back)
"And to return this! The only thing I can think is you're building a really little fence"
(WITCH - Xander being a wimp lol)
"Uh I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide until it goes away"
(WITCH)
"For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me."
(WITCH)
"First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale"
(TEACHERS PET - Xander after he attempted to talk to Miss French)
"It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to."
(TEACHERS PET - Xander to Miss French)
"No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen."
(THE PACK)
"We just saw the zebras mating! Thank you, very exciting..."
(THE PACK - Xander about the bullies)
"Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids."
(ANGEL - Xander to Buffy about Angel)
"You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!"
(ANGEL- Xander backtracking when Cordelia heard the word 'Vampire')
"Not vampire, umpire, how could you be inlove with an unmpire, everyone hates them"
(ANGEL - Xander to Buffy about Angel)
" Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?"
(ME ROBOT YOU JANE - Xander to Miss Calender about spending so much time in the library)
"To read makes our speaky English good"
(ME ROBOT YOU JANE - Xander about Willow being happy)
"Yep colour in the cheeks, bounce in the step...I don't like it...it's not healthy"
(ME ROBOT YOU JANE)
"Hey! I got to hit someone!"
(THE PUPPET SHOW)
"Did I mention that I *hate* this school?"
(NIGHTMARES - Xander about Cordelia)
"Wendal. what is wrong with you, dont you know that she is the center of the uniberse and the rest of us just mearly revolve around her"
(OUT OF MIND OUT OF SIGHT - Xander about research)
"What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?"
(OUT OF MIND OUT OS SIGHT - Xander when Cordelia disses them after thanking them for saving her life)
"Boy, Wheres an invisable girl when you need one?"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander asking Buffy to go to the dance with him)
"I know were friends and weve had experiences, founght some blood sucking fiends and thats all been a good time, but I want more"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander still asking Buffy out)
"Well Willow's not looking to date you, or if she is she's playing it pretty close to the chest"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander to Willow after Buffy rejected him)
"On a scale of one to ten, it sucked!...Well I guess it could be worse, i could have gangrene on my face"
(PROPHECY GIRL - Xander after Willow rejected his offer to the dance also)
"That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain."
SEASON 2
(WHEN SHE WAS BAD - Xander about Buffy)
"Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me?....She's possessed"
(WHEN SHE WAS BAD - Xander to Buffy and Willow about what they should do tonight)
"We could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledge hammer...but gosh we did that last night"
(SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED - Xander taking the mick out of Giles about dating Jenny)
"Is now the time to talk about the facts of life...cause that whole stalk thing...smoke screen!"
(SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED - Xander to Cordy when she doesn't wanna help)
"Fine, but if you see an army of zombies, can you page us before they...say...EAT YOUR FLESH!"
(SCHOOL HARD - Xander about Angel and his dissapearing thing)
"Alright thats it!...I'm putting a collar with a bell on that guy"
(INCA MUMMY GIRL - Xander getting jelous when he thought a male exchange student was coming to stay with Buffy)
"Oh Yeah....fall for the old let me translate that ancient seal for you, come on....Do you know how many times I've used that one"
(INCA MUMMY GIRL - Xander after he found out his date was a mummy)
"Yeah but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship"
(REPTILE BOY - Xander to Cordelia)
"So Cor, are you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation or are you just going with the halter top tonight?"
(REPTILE BOY - Xander about the frat party)
"Whoa! Whoa,wo,wo, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?"
(REPTILE BOY - Xander just as Angel walks in)
"Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?....Hey, man, how you doin'?"
(HALLOWEEN - Xander about the wacky notion that vamps stay in on halloween)
"Those wacky vampires, thats why I love em, they just keep ya guessing"
(HALLOWEEN - Xander when he saw Buffy in her hollween costume)
"Private Harris reporting for.....Buffy, Lady of Buff and Duchess of Buffonia, I am in ahh, I completley renounce spandex"
(HALOWEEN - Xander when Cordy asks him if guns make him wanna have sex)
"I'm 17, looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex"
(THE DARK AGE - Xander when asked to stay at school on a saturday)
"ooohhh gang, didya hear that, a bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and its my best day ever!"
(THE DARK AGE)
"Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades"
(WHATS MY LINE PART 1 - Xander on career day)
"When you look at me....do you think?........Prison Guard?"
(WHAT MY LINE PART 2)
"A Slayer, huh? I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter"
(SUPRISE PART 1 - Xander when Buffy finds a big arm that tried to strangle her on her birthday)
"Well, clearly the Hellmouth's answer to 'what do you get the Slayer who has everything?"
(INNOCENCE PART 2)
"Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan...Now I'm having a wiggins!"
(BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED - Xander when Cordy breaks up with him)
"Do you know whats a good to break up with somebody? Any day besides valentines day! I mean, what were you running low on dramaic irony?"
(BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED - Xander when his love spell goes wrong)
"Thats it! This has gotta stop, it's time for me to take it like a man ........and hide"
(PASSION - Xander when Giles goes after Angelus)
"If Giles wants to go after the fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say faster pussycat kill! kill!"
(KILLED BY DEATH)
"Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!"
(I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU)
"Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?"
(GO FISH - Xander when he finds out that steriods are turning the swim team into sea monsters)
"Yeah, but is steriod abuse usually linked with....Hey I'm a fish!"
(BECOMING PART 2)
"Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here"
SEASON 3
(DEAD MANS PARTY - Xander about Giles)
"Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a..a looker or a..a seer"
(DEAD MANS PARTY - Xander to Joyce about the zombies)
"Generally speaking, when scary things get scared....not good!"
(FAITH, HOPE AND TRICK - Xander to Buffy)
"Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut"
(FAITH, HOPE AND TRICK)
"And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid"
(BEAUTY AND THE BEASTS - Xander trying to comfort Oz when someone has been eaten)
"Oz does not eat people, its more warewolf play. y'know I bat you around a bit, like a cat toy, I have harmless wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know side effect, people get cut to ribbons and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and.....Im not helping am I?"
(BAND CANDY - Xander about the band candy)
"These things are seeling like hot cakes....which is ironic really, caus the hot cakes really arnt moving"
(REVELATIONS)
"I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason"
(REVELATIONS)
"Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess"
(GINGERBREAD - When they were searching lockers)
"Aw, man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker!"
(GINGERBREAD)
"I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow for some beans. No one else is seeing the funny here"
(ZEPPO)
O'Toole: "What are you, retarded?"
Xander: "No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything"
(ZEPPO)
Xander: "Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword"
O'Toole: "She's called Katie"
Xander: "You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you"
(ZEPPO)
O'Toole: "I like you"
Xander: "Yay?"
(ZEPPO - Xander when Faith was coming onto him)
"Oh Im up....I'm suddenly very up..Its just i've never been up with people before"
(ZEPPO)
"Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs"
(DOPPELGANGLAND)
"Uh... Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't wanna fall back on bad habits. Hands! Hands in new places!"
(DOPPELGANGLAND)
"So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? Oh, yeah. I'm bad"
(ENEMIES)
"Yes. I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise"
(EARSHOT)
"Yeah, I mean who hasnt idly thought of taking out the place with a semi-automatic...I said idly"
SEASON 4
(FRESHMAN)
"Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous Ladies Night club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made out of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?"
(LIVING CONDITIONS)
"Why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor?"
(HARSH LIGHT OF DAY - Xander when he finds a TV at Giles house)
"Woh, Giles has a TV, Everybody Giles has a TV.. he's shallow like us"
(FEAR ITSELF - Xander when Giles comes through the wall)
"It's Giles, Hey everyone its Giles....with a chainsaw?"
(BEAR BAD - Xander when Buffy goes all cave girl)
"How much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they seriously start questing for fire?"
(BEER BAD)
"Giles, don't make Cave-Slayer unhappy."
(DOOMED)
"I hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space. My space! And as much I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum and as much as I know that I could give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something. You're not even worth it!"
(THE I IN TEAM - Xander to Willow whilst playing cards)
"You know magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating"
(THE I IN TEAM - Xander to Spike when he runs in smoking)
"Spike, you may wanna give up these morning jogs!"
(GOODBYE IOWA - Xander to Willow about the blaster gun)
"It's called a 'Blaster' Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation, now if it was called the Orgasimator I'd be the first to your basic button-press approach"
(GOODBYE IOWA - Xander when he see's the Initative)
"I totally get it now! Canb i have sex with Riley too?"
(THIS YEARS GIRL - Xander to Riley)
"There's no way to politely ask you this, but did they put a chip in your brain?"
(THIS YEARS GIRL - Xander about Adam and Faith)
"I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic."
(WHERE WILD THINGS ARE - Xander arguing with Anya in front of a group of children and there parents)
"You want sex, lets have sex, right here! Hot sweaty big sex!"
(WHERE WILD THINGS ARE - Xander when he see Giles singing)
"Um could we go back to the haunted house? Cause this is freaking me out!"
(WHERE WILD THINGS ARE - Xander about the polterguiest)
"So with Buffy and Riley having...you know, acts of nakedness around the clock latley...maybe they set something free...like a big bursting Poltergasim"
(THE YOKO FACTOR - Xander to Buffy)
"Just cause you're better than us, doesn't man you can be all superior"
(THE YOKO FACTOR - Xander when he heard what Adams plans were)
"Does anyone else miss the Mayor....I just wanna be a big snake"
(PRIMEVIL)
"Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done!.....Nah, I can't even act surprised."
(RESTLESS - Xander in Willows dream)
"Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell and then I do a spell by myself"
(RESTLESS - Xander to Snyder in his dream)
"You know I never got a chance to tell you how glad I was that you got eaten by a snake"
SEASON 5
(BUFFY VS DRACULA - Xander to Buffy)
"I'm supposed to deliver you to the master now, caus theres this whole thing where I get to be immortal, you cool with that?"
(BUFFY VS DRACULA - Xander to the gang about Dracula)
"Where is he? Wheres the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?"
(REAL ME - Xander when Harmony came looking to fight Buffy)
"Then I'll bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call, afraid you and your buddies 'll have to come back and be killed by Buffy later"
(THE REPLACMENT - Xander about his double)
"A demon! A demon has taken my life from me and is living it better than I do!"
(LISTENING TO FEAR - Xander about the queller)
"Meteor go boom! Crazy man go bye bye"
(CRUSH - Xander getting Jelous that he's not Dawns crush anymore)
"I'm the one she has a crush on, me! It;s always been me, big funny Xander, oh what she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one anymore, why's that ok?"
SEASON 6
(BARGENING PART 2 - Xander to Willow when Tara sent them a little light to find there way home)
"How long have you known your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?"
(TWO TO GO - Xander to Andrew and Jonathan when they were arguing)
"Boys if you dont knock it off, I will pull over and you can walk to your painful deaths from here"
SEASON 7
(BENEATH YOU - Xander about Sunnydale)
"Sunnydale, come for the food, stay for the dismemberment"
(HIM - When Xander has to let Spike stay)
To Spike - "You're going to live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet but it s a room now. You re not going to touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning and if I use up all the hot water, that s your tough noogies."
To Buffy - "And I hate this plan."
Back to Spike - "Are you keeping up or do you need some kind of English-to-Constant-Pain-in-My-Ass translation?"
(SLEEPER - Xander about Spike staying at Buffy's house)
Oh an out of control serial killer, you're right that is a great house guest"
POTENTIAL - Xander about the Bringers)
"Saw the spell?....Dawn they cant see flashcards...Big ones"
(GET IT DONE - Xander about the puppets in the slayer box)
"Puppets! Thats it! The First hates puppets... now if we can just air-lift Kermit, Fuzzy the Bear and Miss Piggy into town, The First be a running!"
(EMPTY PLACES - Xander joking about loosing his eye)
"You know what the best part is? No-one will ever make me watch Jaws 3D again"
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