Bertie and the Beast - The House of Halogen Hobbes Part 6

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A green and scary monster

Once again we are beholden to the current executors of the
Knolly estate for letting us publish this, the second package of the
great man's journals and memoirs.

The House of Halogen Hobbes Chapter 2 Part
6


The heavy silence that pervaded every nook and cranny of the parlour
was only broken by Bertie and Hobbes suddenly deciding that they
needed to be elsewhere. They made their excuses; Bertie informed us
that he needed to fiddle with Hobbes' portable 'Tool' while Hobbes
muttered something about checking his chickens. They quickly left the
room but not before Elspeth had given Bertie a very hard warning stare
which almost made him fall over a nest of tables.


Elspeth's statement regarding her presence in Scotland hung in the air
as if waiting for me to take hold and rip it to pieces. She took the
comfortable chair vacated by Bertie and then watched and waited for my
response. An argument with my darling wife has always been a challenge
and I must confess that I won very few. In truth, I would go as far to
say that none had really gone my way since we had been married.
However, it never stopped me taking the bait, especially when I
thought that there was a slim chance that I might win.


'You intend to come too? North? With us? To Scotland?' I asked.


'I believe that is what I just announced. Why? Is there a problem?'
She asked, leaning back in the chair and steepling her slender
fingers.


I knew where she was going with this. She wanted me to go for the 'you
can't go you are pregnant' route, but I knew better than to choose
something with which she would verbally batter me - not just now, but
years hence. Thus, I chose a different tack.


'Not as such no…' I countered, mirroring her posture (although this
must have appeared rather odd as I was trying to sit in mid-air).


Elspeth's eyes widened; certainly this was not the answer she had been
expecting. I continued.


'Well, you certainly have a way with young Charlotte and that will be
very useful in helping Bertie and I get up to speed with the sign
language over the coming days.'


She nodded at this, agreeing with me. A good start.


'And you can ensure that she is not taken advantage of while we
travel. Indeed, you will help provide a cover story of a…oh! I don't
know.... a poor deaf younger sibling or some such…'


She leant forward eagerly and I sensed triumph.


'But do you really want to travel all that way? Leaving the comforts
of home, especially when there are the very important tasks of
decorating and furnishing the bedroom still to do. It is such a long
journey and it will be very, very uncomfortable.'


Elspeth's face showed concern, and then she smiled sweetly. Damnation!
I realised that I had walked into a well-baited trap.


'Oh dear! You do not honestly believe that Charlie and I spent all of
our time shopping, do you?' she simpered sweetly.


'Um …Well, I thought that was your primary purpose in town, my
dearest,' I offered.


'True, true. However, I was able to do some research of my own into
modes of travel to Scotland. After we left John's to go shopping,
Charlie and I went on a mild diversion. I think this was in part due
to the fact that Charlie spooked the horse somewhat and it took a few
miles for the cabbie to get it under control. Such a wild ride! Such
fun!'


I looked at her wide-eyed in horror at the thought of my wife with
child caught up in a traffic accident.


'Knolly sit down. You've gone quite pale. Come - take my chair.' Quite
a thing, being offered a seat by a pregnant lady. She continued.
'Anyway we were quite safe and the horse eventually slowed down slowed
down near to Euston Station. Did you know that trains run from there
to Glasgow?' she asked, not expecting an answer because she knew full
well that I knew. And now I knew that she knew. She went on.


'The cabbie wanted to calm his horse, so Charlotte and I decided to
make good use of the time. We made enquires at the ticket office.... '


'Where I assume you found that you can now travel from London to
Scotland on an overnight sleeper in twelve and half hours in perfect
comfort?' I was fighting now to take back the initiative.


'Indeed! So kindly do not give me all this twaddle about a long
journey and being uncomfortable! It will be like a holiday with the
added bonus that I can go shopping for my own tartan bits and bobs.'


The last sentence capped it all. The journey in itself would indeed be
a chance to relax and to spend some time together before our real work
started - although I imagined that it was the thought of shopping that
made her misty-eyed.


'Very well,' I said. 'You can come.'


Elspeth clapped her hands and threw herself on me. 'You won't regret
this you know…'


I held up a hand. 'Although I must insist on certain conditions…'


She stopped mid-kiss and pouted. 'And what might they be?'


'When we go up to the Loch with Charlotte, you must stay where we tell
you. I will not have you exposing yourself to any danger, particularly
in your state. Secondly, Charlotte will be operating as a member of
the League - which is why Merrick has offered her to us. This means
that when we ask her to do something, I do not have to ask your
permission first. Do you understand?'


'Of course,' said Elspeth, clearly taken aback by my forceful demands.


'Splendid! Now that's all agreed. Let's get Bertie and Hobbes back in
so we can get on with it, shall we?'


I opened the door to call out and Bertie rolled in and onto the
floor. I looked down as he looked up.


'So! You lost again, eh?' said Bertie as cheerfully as possible for
someone whose latest eavesdropping attempt had just ended in a heap.


'Bertie! One day, the door will open outwards you know! Where is Hobbes?'


'Oh, downstairs rummaging around designing something or other,'
replied Bertie as he stood and dusted himself and straightened his
collar in a nonchalant manner.


'I thought that he was going to check on his chickens?'


'Knolly, remember - this is Halogen of whom we speak. By the time we
got downstairs, it was clear that the chicken checking had been given
a chucking. His mind had already been to town and back.'


Bertie turned to face Elspeth. 'So! We will have the pleasure of your
company for this trip, eh?'


'Indeed you will Bertie. Now don't look so glum! I've accepted
Knolly's conditions and I will try to be more of a help than a
hindrance. Besides, you said yourself that you wanted to learn how to
talk to Charlie. Just think of me as your teacher.'


I did not think that this was an image that I wanted Bertie to linger
on. As luck would have it, Hobbes suddenly broke the ice by falling up
the stairs towards us, scattering bundles of material. He peered over
his pince-nez in our general direction.


'Ah, good! Happy smiling faces, I see! Much better. Errrrrr.... Is
someone going to help me up?'


Bertie and I took an arm each and hauled him up the remaining stairs
while Elspeth busied herself by picking up the bundles that he had
dropped.


'Halogen, what are these items of clothing?' she enquired.


'I thought that the young lady could do with some specialised
garments. You know ... hard wearing, ease of movement.... that sort of
thing.'


'…and you just happened to have these in your workshops?' asked Elspeth.


'My dear, you know that I never throw anything away! I assume that
Charlotte is still outside with Louis?'


Elspeth nodded.


'Well that's good. We wouldn't want to scare her off, would we? Come
on - let me show you my ideas.'


Bertie was well ahead of him and was waving some fingerless armoured
gloves in my direction.


'Ha, yes! I thought these would give her additional grip when
climbing, and the lack of finger cover will allow her claws to come
into their own without costly replacements. Elspeth, I think that it
would be prudent to stick with the fingerless lace type too when she
is out.'


Quite remarkable. Here was Elspeth, happily taking fashion advice from
a crusty old inventor.


'I'm not sure this is appropriate though,' she said, holding up a
rubberised diver's suit.


'You could be right my dear,' said Hobbes. 'But it does have good
freedom of movement.'


Bertie chuckled. 'I think Charlie would get lost inside that!'


'I like this though,' I added, holding up a knitted black balaclava
helmet. 'It will keep her warm and help her to blend into the shadows
if required.' Of course, I tried it on.


Elspeth shook her head and said 'No, no. It will need some work.
Charlie needs to have her ears free, I think' as she tugged the helmet
from my head.


'What about footwear? I really can't see her doing much in these' as
Bertie held up a pair crampons.


Hobbes frowned his hairy caterpillar frown. 'Hmmmm.... you're probably
right Bertie. Once again, I was thinking of maximum grip.'


Elspeth took Hobbes by the arm and patted him gently. 'My dear
Halogen, you have certainly given us food for thought, but I think
Charlotte should be able to wear any specialised clothes under her
everyday wear and not have to spend time changing.'


'You have an idea, m'dear?' asked Hobbes.


'Oh I think so, but it does mean that we shall have to take a trip out
to Hoot Hall and revisit some of the trunks that I sent home for you
Knolly.' She looked at Bertie and winked.


'Oh Lord! I think I know why,' said Bertie rather meekly. 'I need to
sit down....'


At this point, a glowing young lady appeared in the doorway. She was
breathing very heavily and her hair was - to put it kindly - all over
the place. Elspeth strode over to her, signing as she went. 'I told
her that the corset needed to be looser.'


Bertie proceeded to miss his chair, and once again found himself on the floor.

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