The Friendly Murderer part 9
Created | Updated May 25, 2004
The Friendly Murderer Part 9
When I said that all the balloons in balloon land popped, I lied. There were still some remaining, so the balloons joined forces with the lightbulbs in an attempt to abolish the human race. Flame has suddenly decided that she has the power of pyrokenisis and Pleb has suddenly decided that she has the power of telekinesis, plus the natural psychic ability that all vampires have (these may come in useful during friendly murdering sprees). Draculess has decided that she is having an affair with her lawyer (it might be difficult seeing as she’s a flying apple, but, oh well).
*
Fluffy the balloon and Pob the Lightbulb were taking a walk in the remains of balloon land. They could naturally understand each other (or thought they could despite the fact that they spoke two totally different languages. “Buruuuuruuuruuuuuuuuukkk Burk Brurudnfk Barkukipo,” Fluffy said.
Pob nodded in acknowledgment, “Poopdg godfadtf bikdfk,” he said.
Fluffy’s ‘Buruuuuruuuruuuuuuuuukkk Burk Brurudnfk Barkukipo’ actually meant – I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really need to go to the toilet (a bit difficult for balloons), but Pob thought he was saying – I like you Pob, and I mean that as in more than a friend. Fluffy interpreted Pob’s answer as – So go then, I won’t stop you – but what he actually said was – Fluff, I love you, but I’m not ready for that kind of commitment…Fluffy responded by going to the toilet.
*
Chad and Lan were in England, looking at a circle of tall, rock-shaped grey trees, when they suddenly ran into Person and Evil, who had just been having a contest to see who could eat the hearts of small children the quickest.
“hELLO FRIENDS!” SAID cHAD
“yES” SAID lAN
“wHAT IS GOING ON?” aSKED pERSON.
“mY HEAD HURTS!” SAID eVIL, CRADLING HER GUN AND THE HEART IN HER HAND.
“hELP!! mY HEAD FEELS AS THOUGH IT’S EXPLODING!” yELLED cHAD.
“sOMEBODY! pLEASE! tURN OFF THE cAPS lOCK!!” sAID lAN.
OOPS…sorry. I have a weird capslock disorder.
“And so you should be!” said Person.
*
Capsicum was halfway back to Transylvania when she realised that the story in Transylvania was about vampires, which in turn made her realise that vampires drank blood, and which in turn made her realise that most capsicums are red, which in turn made her realise that she might get mistaken for a leprechaun, so she’d better go to Usbornia instead.
*
Pleb felt better after destroying the school. Destruction is such a fun thing to do, she thought. And killing is quite fun too. Which made Pleb decide that she must commit more friendly murderers, because no-one that cared knew who the friendly murderer was, so it would be quite fun to watch them suffer…Friendlily of course. Pleb decided to go to Usbornia and kill some lightbulbs. Then she realised that that was just stupid and started playing table tennis with herself using her telekinetic powers. This went on for about fifteen minutes before Pleb beat herself.
“Ha! Eat shit!” she told herself, laughing in her own face, teasing herself.
“That was unfair!” she told herself, “I want a rematch,”
“Fine,”
Suddenly, a unsuspecting victim with an apple on his head (I am sooo unoriginal) walking in on Pleb talking to herself and playing ping pong.
“Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” said the unsuspecting victim with an apple on his head. It wasn’t every day that you saw a crazy, psychic, telekinetic, friendly-murdering, vampire playing herself in ping pong. Pleb then proceeded to kill the unsuspecting (he actually suspected something once he started being killed) victim with an apple on his head. She got a knife that was covered in cake crumbs and cream, then stabbed the currently suspecting victim in the heart (it’s friendly because it is sweet, and quick). The unsuspecting (who suspected something) died (as if you didn’t know). Damn what a friendly way to die.
*
Board, Squirrel, two hundred and thirty-eight elves, ten werewolves, two vampires (no one you know) and Soapy’s ghost were playing checkers in a timewarp. Suddenly, the balloons and lightbulbs started to attack. A lightbulb fell on the checkers board. Soapy looked at it and then ate it. But it wasn’t one of those edible lightbulbs, it was one of those non-edible lightbulbs that you can’t eat, and if you do eat them, you die. But Soapy was already dead, so she just died again. Damn what a friendly way to not die.
*
Flame was walking around Earth when she saw a lot of balloons and lightbulbs killing people. Something doesn’t seem right here, she realised. Oh right. My fault. Flame then continued to explode balloons and lightbulbs when she got really angry at all of them and exploded and ended up in Transylvania, in this weird castle. She saw a body on the ground. The currently unsuspecting victim with an apple on his head was filled with cake crumbs. Flame then looked up and saw Pleb standing there licking blood of her lips.
“Pleb! Hi! How are you?” Flame said.
“Um…Hi…I’m good…You?”
“I’m great! I haven’t seen you since…since school…And that was like…an hour ago.”
“Um…yeah…listen…”
“What? I don’t suspect anything? I have never even suspected you as the friendly murderer.”
“Umm…great…”
“In fact, the body on the floor doesn’t even make me suspicious.”
“Ummm…yeah…about that…he died…I tried to rescu…”
“No don’t worry… I’m just going to go kidnap the cookie monster…”
“Yeah…well…have fun.”
“Thanks, bye!”
“Umm…bye,”
Flame SHFCombusted and left.
Pleb sighed and wiped the sweat off her brow.
*
Flame reincarnated in Antarctica before realising…”Wait a minute.” (You have to say this really coolly, like – w8 a minut…or something…hard to express without sound)
*
The author was bored, and there are too many characters in this story, so Flame, Capsicum and Madgoalie suddenly teleported to a mental facility on Mars where they are now patients and are expected to stay for at least a week. Flame never did get the chance to tell anyone her terrible secret because the monkeys that worked in the mental facility stole her brain so they could find a cure for lack of bananas.
*
Pleb was bored so she went on a Friendlily Murdering Spree. It was very friendly. Lots of people died, including Dean, the amazingly nerdy nerd, and Riny, the incredibly loud. They died very friendlily, but I cant remember the whole list, I mean, we had like 17, but then they got deleted off the school computer. So I’ll just say that they died friendlily. I need to make this seem longer so I shall cut and paste some important things that have absolutely no relevance to this story but I wrote it anyway (well I didn’t write it but…)
On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Damn what a friendly way to die.
When I said that all the balloons in balloon land popped, I lied. There were still some remaining, so the balloons joined forces with the lightbulbs in an attempt to abolish the human race. Flame has suddenly decided that she has the power of pyrokenisis and Pleb has suddenly decided that she has the power of telekinesis, plus the natural psychic ability that all vampires have (these may come in useful during friendly murdering sprees). Draculess has decided that she is having an affair with her lawyer (it might be difficult seeing as she’s a flying apple, but, oh well).
*
Fluffy the balloon and Pob the Lightbulb were taking a walk in the remains of balloon land. They could naturally understand each other (or thought they could despite the fact that they spoke two totally different languages. “Buruuuuruuuruuuuuuuuukkk Burk Brurudnfk Barkukipo,” Fluffy said.
Pob nodded in acknowledgment, “Poopdg godfadtf bikdfk,” he said.
Fluffy’s ‘Buruuuuruuuruuuuuuuuukkk Burk Brurudnfk Barkukipo’ actually meant – I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really need to go to the toilet (a bit difficult for balloons), but Pob thought he was saying – I like you Pob, and I mean that as in more than a friend. Fluffy interpreted Pob’s answer as – So go then, I won’t stop you – but what he actually said was – Fluff, I love you, but I’m not ready for that kind of commitment…Fluffy responded by going to the toilet.
*
Chad and Lan were in England, looking at a circle of tall, rock-shaped grey trees, when they suddenly ran into Person and Evil, who had just been having a contest to see who could eat the hearts of small children the quickest.
“hELLO FRIENDS!” SAID cHAD
“yES” SAID lAN
“wHAT IS GOING ON?” aSKED pERSON.
“mY HEAD HURTS!” SAID eVIL, CRADLING HER GUN AND THE HEART IN HER HAND.
“hELP!! mY HEAD FEELS AS THOUGH IT’S EXPLODING!” yELLED cHAD.
“sOMEBODY! pLEASE! tURN OFF THE cAPS lOCK!!” sAID lAN.
OOPS…sorry. I have a weird capslock disorder.
“And so you should be!” said Person.
*
Capsicum was halfway back to Transylvania when she realised that the story in Transylvania was about vampires, which in turn made her realise that vampires drank blood, and which in turn made her realise that most capsicums are red, which in turn made her realise that she might get mistaken for a leprechaun, so she’d better go to Usbornia instead.
*
Pleb felt better after destroying the school. Destruction is such a fun thing to do, she thought. And killing is quite fun too. Which made Pleb decide that she must commit more friendly murderers, because no-one that cared knew who the friendly murderer was, so it would be quite fun to watch them suffer…Friendlily of course. Pleb decided to go to Usbornia and kill some lightbulbs. Then she realised that that was just stupid and started playing table tennis with herself using her telekinetic powers. This went on for about fifteen minutes before Pleb beat herself.
“Ha! Eat shit!” she told herself, laughing in her own face, teasing herself.
“That was unfair!” she told herself, “I want a rematch,”
“Fine,”
Suddenly, a unsuspecting victim with an apple on his head (I am sooo unoriginal) walking in on Pleb talking to herself and playing ping pong.
“Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” said the unsuspecting victim with an apple on his head. It wasn’t every day that you saw a crazy, psychic, telekinetic, friendly-murdering, vampire playing herself in ping pong. Pleb then proceeded to kill the unsuspecting (he actually suspected something once he started being killed) victim with an apple on his head. She got a knife that was covered in cake crumbs and cream, then stabbed the currently suspecting victim in the heart (it’s friendly because it is sweet, and quick). The unsuspecting (who suspected something) died (as if you didn’t know). Damn what a friendly way to die.
*
Board, Squirrel, two hundred and thirty-eight elves, ten werewolves, two vampires (no one you know) and Soapy’s ghost were playing checkers in a timewarp. Suddenly, the balloons and lightbulbs started to attack. A lightbulb fell on the checkers board. Soapy looked at it and then ate it. But it wasn’t one of those edible lightbulbs, it was one of those non-edible lightbulbs that you can’t eat, and if you do eat them, you die. But Soapy was already dead, so she just died again. Damn what a friendly way to not die.
*
Flame was walking around Earth when she saw a lot of balloons and lightbulbs killing people. Something doesn’t seem right here, she realised. Oh right. My fault. Flame then continued to explode balloons and lightbulbs when she got really angry at all of them and exploded and ended up in Transylvania, in this weird castle. She saw a body on the ground. The currently unsuspecting victim with an apple on his head was filled with cake crumbs. Flame then looked up and saw Pleb standing there licking blood of her lips.
“Pleb! Hi! How are you?” Flame said.
“Um…Hi…I’m good…You?”
“I’m great! I haven’t seen you since…since school…And that was like…an hour ago.”
“Um…yeah…listen…”
“What? I don’t suspect anything? I have never even suspected you as the friendly murderer.”
“Umm…great…”
“In fact, the body on the floor doesn’t even make me suspicious.”
“Ummm…yeah…about that…he died…I tried to rescu…”
“No don’t worry… I’m just going to go kidnap the cookie monster…”
“Yeah…well…have fun.”
“Thanks, bye!”
“Umm…bye,”
Flame SHFCombusted and left.
Pleb sighed and wiped the sweat off her brow.
*
Flame reincarnated in Antarctica before realising…”Wait a minute.” (You have to say this really coolly, like – w8 a minut…or something…hard to express without sound)
*
The author was bored, and there are too many characters in this story, so Flame, Capsicum and Madgoalie suddenly teleported to a mental facility on Mars where they are now patients and are expected to stay for at least a week. Flame never did get the chance to tell anyone her terrible secret because the monkeys that worked in the mental facility stole her brain so they could find a cure for lack of bananas.
*
Pleb was bored so she went on a Friendlily Murdering Spree. It was very friendly. Lots of people died, including Dean, the amazingly nerdy nerd, and Riny, the incredibly loud. They died very friendlily, but I cant remember the whole list, I mean, we had like 17, but then they got deleted off the school computer. So I’ll just say that they died friendlily. I need to make this seem longer so I shall cut and paste some important things that have absolutely no relevance to this story but I wrote it anyway (well I didn’t write it but…)
On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Damn what a friendly way to die.
