The Friendly Murderer part 6
Created | Updated May 20, 2004
The Friendly Murderer Part 6
Flame and Lan were in a cave looking for the two hundred and eighty-seventh prophecy of Smiley, the frogman. He had a lot of prophecies. It didn’t help that he was immortal and was still making the damn things.
“Why don’t we just go to Smiley, and ask him for the prophecies?” asked Lan.
“Hmmph. That denies the excitement of the entire thing!” said Flame.
“We could ask him nicely.” Lan said.
“That might work. But can we just find this one, I want to see what colour Smiley’s pet panda was.” Flame said.
“All pandas are the same colour!” yelled Lan.
“Yeah! Well I don’t care!” screamed Flame.
Suddenly, the hourglass effect took place and Lan and Flame found themselves in balloon land.
Damn. And it was nearly lunchtime too.
*
Brian, Catman, Madgoalie and Noname ate some of the two hundred odd coconuts that they had found in a cave on the tiny island off the pacific.
“I wonder what these coconuts are doing here.” Noname commented, though she was reincarnated, she still had the scars left by Fiaz, the fearless cow.
“Yeah!” said Brian.
“Meh!” said Catman. The coconut in his hand exploded as a burst of Metallica played from across the oceans.
“What the-!” said Madgoalie.
“It must be Khaospixie’s reincarnate.” Noname said.
“Oh, yeah.”
“Hey?”
“Yeah?”
“Didn’t they say something about the prize…”
“Yeah?”
“Being two hundred coconuts?”
“Yeah?”
“Well we’ve eaten one hundred and eighty-nine…”
“Yeah?”
“Plus the one that exploded…”
“Yeah?”
“There’s ten there now.”
“Yeah?”
“Doesn’t that mean-?” said Brian.
“Oh f**k!” said Catman, as the four were catapulted off the island to a country down under.
*
Sony, her cousin the Spork, Mungo, and Mungo’s husband – the pudding that may or may not be chocolate, were at on little planet called Earth. Although some may argue as to whether or not they were actually human, but still, a Spork is still a Spork and a possibly chocolate pudding is still a possibly chocolate pudding.
“What’s doing?” said Sony.
“I am not an Albatross.” Mungo proclaimed.
“Damn straight.”
“It’s actually a pretty curvy bird, if you look closely.”
Sony slapped her head with one of her two hands.
“It’s pretty bird shaped.” Mungo argued.
“Meh.” Sony mehed.
“Noooo – Oh wait… never mind.” The Spork said.
“You argue against my mehness?”
“No my worship! No, never!” said the Spork.
“Me? Who is queen of Meh?”
“No your majesty! Never!” the Spork continued to scream.
“Many have died from Mehitis.” Sony mehed. “And you, my friend, shall not be one of them.”
“Oh thank-you my lord! Thank-you.”
“Spork,”
“Yes my lord!”
“Call me Sony.”
*
Person sat with his two wives, the right-handed polar bear, and the Llama, in an igloo, in Antarctica. He cuddled closely with his wives to gain warmth. He was cold. The suddenly, Evil came and shot Person in the leg.
“Owwwww!” he said.
Evil left.
Person owwed.
The Llama went fishing.
The right-handed Polar Bear wrote a poem.
*
Chad was in Egypt. The tree he saw wasn’t very green. In fact it was kind of brown. And rather pointy. Kind of like a pyramid. What an odd shaped tree, he thought. And there was another odd brown looking tree. It looked sort of like a sphinx. Chad shook his head. Apparently there was a really tall pointy tree in Paris.
*
Pleb was still passed out on the couch. The blood on the couch had dried, and Lestat, thought it went well with the décor. He looked thoughtfully at Pleb. And then at Spike.
“Is this Akasha Spike?”
“No, m’lord.”
“No? Then who is it?”
“It’s Pleb, m’lord.”
“Oh, stop calling me m’lord, I’m not Dracula y’know.”
Spike looked confused. Then realisation struck him. Other personality.
“So who is this Pleb then Spike?”
“Pleb is…Pleb.”
“Oh. Join me for a drink?”
“OK!”
Lestat poured two drinks. Then the expression on his face changed.
“Uh oh!” Spike said, and ducked as Dracula threw the glass at his head.
Spike hid in the cupboard beneath the stairs where he met a manic-depressive boy called Harry Potter, who didn’t like frogs.
“I mean, they are so green!”
Spike opened the door and left. He’d rather have Dracula any day.
*
Shark was swimming around looking for a surfboard when Fiaz flew down in butterfly form.
“What are you doing?” asked Fiaz.
“I am looking for a surfboard!” proclaimed Shark.
“Oh…Why?”
“So I can eat it.”
“Oh…How can you eat a surfboard?”
“It is yummy. Good food for shark.” Shark sharked.
“Oh…But you’re just a human.”
“Nasty butterfly not say such nasty things.”
Fiaz was one of those people who understood anything, even if they were speaking shark.
“I am not a butterfly.”
“Then what be you?”
Fiaz clicked her antennae and turned into a dragon, then a scorpion, then, for no particular reason, she turned into a fire ant, and fire ants can’t swim. Maybe she wanted to be better at chess (Which is now a two hundred and fifty-three player game, that can only be played at midnight on the 29th of February every nine thousand leap years) or maybe she wasn’t as smart as she thought she was. Fiaz then turned into a herring and swam away to find a shrubbery and cut down the tallest tree in the forest. Ni! Shark shrugged and ate a nearby person who thought he was a surfboard. A longboard. And now before I say those fateful words, I shall write some pointless things to make this story seem longer.
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Damn what a friendly way to die.
Flame and Lan were in a cave looking for the two hundred and eighty-seventh prophecy of Smiley, the frogman. He had a lot of prophecies. It didn’t help that he was immortal and was still making the damn things.
“Why don’t we just go to Smiley, and ask him for the prophecies?” asked Lan.
“Hmmph. That denies the excitement of the entire thing!” said Flame.
“We could ask him nicely.” Lan said.
“That might work. But can we just find this one, I want to see what colour Smiley’s pet panda was.” Flame said.
“All pandas are the same colour!” yelled Lan.
“Yeah! Well I don’t care!” screamed Flame.
Suddenly, the hourglass effect took place and Lan and Flame found themselves in balloon land.
Damn. And it was nearly lunchtime too.
*
Brian, Catman, Madgoalie and Noname ate some of the two hundred odd coconuts that they had found in a cave on the tiny island off the pacific.
“I wonder what these coconuts are doing here.” Noname commented, though she was reincarnated, she still had the scars left by Fiaz, the fearless cow.
“Yeah!” said Brian.
“Meh!” said Catman. The coconut in his hand exploded as a burst of Metallica played from across the oceans.
“What the-!” said Madgoalie.
“It must be Khaospixie’s reincarnate.” Noname said.
“Oh, yeah.”
“Hey?”
“Yeah?”
“Didn’t they say something about the prize…”
“Yeah?”
“Being two hundred coconuts?”
“Yeah?”
“Well we’ve eaten one hundred and eighty-nine…”
“Yeah?”
“Plus the one that exploded…”
“Yeah?”
“There’s ten there now.”
“Yeah?”
“Doesn’t that mean-?” said Brian.
“Oh f**k!” said Catman, as the four were catapulted off the island to a country down under.
*
Sony, her cousin the Spork, Mungo, and Mungo’s husband – the pudding that may or may not be chocolate, were at on little planet called Earth. Although some may argue as to whether or not they were actually human, but still, a Spork is still a Spork and a possibly chocolate pudding is still a possibly chocolate pudding.
“What’s doing?” said Sony.
“I am not an Albatross.” Mungo proclaimed.
“Damn straight.”
“It’s actually a pretty curvy bird, if you look closely.”
Sony slapped her head with one of her two hands.
“It’s pretty bird shaped.” Mungo argued.
“Meh.” Sony mehed.
“Noooo – Oh wait… never mind.” The Spork said.
“You argue against my mehness?”
“No my worship! No, never!” said the Spork.
“Me? Who is queen of Meh?”
“No your majesty! Never!” the Spork continued to scream.
“Many have died from Mehitis.” Sony mehed. “And you, my friend, shall not be one of them.”
“Oh thank-you my lord! Thank-you.”
“Spork,”
“Yes my lord!”
“Call me Sony.”
*
Person sat with his two wives, the right-handed polar bear, and the Llama, in an igloo, in Antarctica. He cuddled closely with his wives to gain warmth. He was cold. The suddenly, Evil came and shot Person in the leg.
“Owwwww!” he said.
Evil left.
Person owwed.
The Llama went fishing.
The right-handed Polar Bear wrote a poem.
*
Chad was in Egypt. The tree he saw wasn’t very green. In fact it was kind of brown. And rather pointy. Kind of like a pyramid. What an odd shaped tree, he thought. And there was another odd brown looking tree. It looked sort of like a sphinx. Chad shook his head. Apparently there was a really tall pointy tree in Paris.
*
Pleb was still passed out on the couch. The blood on the couch had dried, and Lestat, thought it went well with the décor. He looked thoughtfully at Pleb. And then at Spike.
“Is this Akasha Spike?”
“No, m’lord.”
“No? Then who is it?”
“It’s Pleb, m’lord.”
“Oh, stop calling me m’lord, I’m not Dracula y’know.”
Spike looked confused. Then realisation struck him. Other personality.
“So who is this Pleb then Spike?”
“Pleb is…Pleb.”
“Oh. Join me for a drink?”
“OK!”
Lestat poured two drinks. Then the expression on his face changed.
“Uh oh!” Spike said, and ducked as Dracula threw the glass at his head.
Spike hid in the cupboard beneath the stairs where he met a manic-depressive boy called Harry Potter, who didn’t like frogs.
“I mean, they are so green!”
Spike opened the door and left. He’d rather have Dracula any day.
*
Shark was swimming around looking for a surfboard when Fiaz flew down in butterfly form.
“What are you doing?” asked Fiaz.
“I am looking for a surfboard!” proclaimed Shark.
“Oh…Why?”
“So I can eat it.”
“Oh…How can you eat a surfboard?”
“It is yummy. Good food for shark.” Shark sharked.
“Oh…But you’re just a human.”
“Nasty butterfly not say such nasty things.”
Fiaz was one of those people who understood anything, even if they were speaking shark.
“I am not a butterfly.”
“Then what be you?”
Fiaz clicked her antennae and turned into a dragon, then a scorpion, then, for no particular reason, she turned into a fire ant, and fire ants can’t swim. Maybe she wanted to be better at chess (Which is now a two hundred and fifty-three player game, that can only be played at midnight on the 29th of February every nine thousand leap years) or maybe she wasn’t as smart as she thought she was. Fiaz then turned into a herring and swam away to find a shrubbery and cut down the tallest tree in the forest. Ni! Shark shrugged and ate a nearby person who thought he was a surfboard. A longboard. And now before I say those fateful words, I shall write some pointless things to make this story seem longer.
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Damn what a friendly way to die.
