This is, in a way, my worldwide press release, delayed by laziness, declaring myself the official Guy of the New Millenium.

I happened on this idea when watching a M & M commercial in 1999, I recall. They had declared themselves the official Candy of the New Millenium. Bear in mind, this was only the 1481st Official Something of the New Millenium. I started thinking, how do the get the rights to something like that? I mean, usually the official whatsis of whatever has to pay whoevers running whatever for exclusive rights for that one event, but these guys (and I mean by that, every major company in the world) just got the rights for an entire thousand years! And as far I knew and know, there is nobody running the next thousand years, unless it's God; and then who do you go see about getting the rights. The Pope? the Dalai Lama? David Karesh? So I figured it was a first-come-first-served thing, and declared myself the official Guy of the New Millenia.

That's absurd, you say, who's to say that you're going to live a thousand years¹? But who's to say that Mars, the makers of M&M's will exist by 3001? Hmmmm? And no one thought to question their rights?

This caught on with those in-the-know. A bunch of individuals went on to name Millenial Rights on rather silly things, the most memorable is that a friend of mine is the proud owner of the Official Penis of the New Millenium.

So if anyone else had the forsight to name themselves the official Guy of the New Millenium, I hope you did it before July of 1999, or my nonexistant legal team will be suing your nonexistant pants off.

I hope one day to meet the official Girl of the New Millenium, and perhaps live in the official Residence of the New Millenium, and to have the official Kids of the New Millenium. I also hope to come up with a shorter way of typing official Whatsis of the New Millenium.