Zombie Space
Created | Updated Dec 12, 2008
Welcome to zombie space, a place for zombies.
What is a zombie?... Are you a zombie?... Am I a zombie?
Questions we all ask of ourselves from time to time. Here are the answers.
'Zombie' is a word, a word as supremely fantastic in life as it is in Scrabble. It means a person who has died and returned from the grave as a soulless undead desirous to feast listlessly upon the sumptuous tissues of the living.
In addition to this a zombie may be someone with little or no capacity for independant or rational thought and who may display a profound tendancy towards idolent, sluggish, enervated and generally apathetic behaviour. In short either a mindless, canabalistic corpse or a Good-fer-nothin' co-worker. Possibly both.
The Zombie has its roots in the afro-caribean, particularly Haitian, religion of Voodoo in which it is believed that magical drugs can be administered to a body to cause a death-like state together with a complete loss of will. Outside observers have speculated that reinforcing and pervasive social and relgious aspects may be the cause of the phenomena. Other outside observers, that are actually outside, have speculated that day time television has exactly the same effects, the same theory, mostly the same ingredients and plus new extra added distastefulness.
The zombie is unique in being amongst the oldest and categorically the most modern archetypal monster. Flesh eating corpses are described in the Bible, Germanic, indigenous American and Oriental folklore and recently further defined in the famous films of George A Romero and less famous films of a plethora of other weirdos. The ancient version of the zombie is often in the grip of evil spirits, demons or is part of an act of devine retribution. The modern version is usually brought about by dubious and almost entirely unexplained psuedo-scientific 'Waves', 'Rays' or 'Pulses'1. The meanings of the ancient myths are shrouded in mystery although the modern re-telling is often either a metaphor for the homogenizing effects of consumer society or an attempt to cause people to barf violently on each other's faces by making fake human organs with big flumps and corn syrup.
There are four main ages of Zombie. In chronological order.
- The Revenant. Folklore or biblical un-dead.
- The Haitian Zombi.
- The Romero Zombie
- The modern 'Infected' Zombie2.
There are also 'Gothic' Zombie-like creatures featured in the books of, primarily H.P Lovecraft but also Edgar Allen Poe. To a certain extent Mary Shelly's Frankenstein's monster can also be seen as a Zombie.
If you have read the above and come to the conclusion that, on the balance of evidence, you are generally not a zombie you may still want to be able to impersonate one to add polish to your interview technique, for seasonal festivity or for crude social purposes.
How to impersonate a Zombie
In no particular order...
- Paint your self grey, have a six day hangover, the flu or eat a little bit of cordite3
- Rub your eyes red raw.
- Roll your eyes back into your head. Do just one if you can.
- Tilt your head sideways at a 45 degree angle and slightly forwards.
- Hold your arms out in front of you, one slightly turned in. Both with wrists relaxed.
- Flare one nostril. Which ever is easiest
- Curl opposite upper lip.
- Allow lower jaw and lip to hang loosely.
- Shuffle towards the living remembering to claw ineffectively against any windows in the way.
- Dribble.
- Twitch.
- Drag leg.
- Bump into things like sofas, waste paper baskets and bicycles.
- Moan. Do it like this "muuURRRrrrrgh".
- When within grasping distance say "Brains?" in a bored voice as if you were suggesting a game of snap on a rainy Thursday.
1Important note; Not seaside or sound Waves, not Manta Rays or dudes from the bronx called Ray and not beans or seeds.2Grumble, grumble. Not really a zombie, grumble, not if it can run, grumble.3Kidding!
