Mouse (Computer - Innovative)
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
It has come to my attention that a relatively new invention, the mouse, has been in development for the last decade or so, and has yet to reach a fully satisfying form.
There are the roller mousses, which require being lifted to move all the way across the screen, and often form nasty collections of sweat, grime and dust after long use.
Later, the laser mousses came out which still required being lifted, but managed to form lots of sweat grime and dust on the lenses, and were more or less useless without the accompanying grid-pad.
Later the roller-ball solved the problem of picking up the mouse, by turning the mouse on it's belly and applying sweat, grime and dust directly to the ball for far less satisfying results.
Later, they went back to the laser, which still requires picking up the mouse, but did away with the grid thing, much to the chagrin of the mouse-grid marketing people.
So where is this all headed? Are we to use hand-held mice that require constant cleaning and picking up for the remainder of our lives? I think not. Here are some inventive ideas for where mice might be going in the future:
The Foot Mouse
The foot mouse could be operated with a gyroscopic pedal, like a joystick, with the right controlling position, and the left controlling various buttons. It would take a bit to learn, but shouldn't be much harder than the pedals for a car. The advantage here is that with a sealed pedal, the mouse would not collect dust, and wouldn't stick or have to be cleaned. It doesn't take up desk space, and gets more of the body into the motion of using the computer. You don't have to lift your hands to use the mouse, which makes you more efficient. And you don't have to have a large surface for the mousepad.
The Tongue Mouse
This mouse has many advantages, not the least of which is that greater tongue activity leads to better oral hygiene. The tongue mouse would operate with tongue in cheek mechanism which uses a mouth insert that fits over the tongue and is tracked by a sensor that clips onto the sides of the teeth. Moving the tongue left, right, up and down would have the common effect, and there would be small buttons on the left and right which could be depressed much the same way as you would use the left and right buttons of a normal mouse. There could be a wheel insert on the roof of the mouth. (Exercises to prepare for the mouth mouse could include eating large amounts of spinach, popcorn and peanut butter.)
The Butt Mouse
My personal favorite, the butt mouse is operated by the gluteus maximus. This would have to operate on the Macintosh, one button, approach, except for those with exceptionally dexterous posteriors. These would be specifically for laptops, however, as the butt mouse may best be operated while walking. A left or right swing of the butt would produce lateral motion, while bobbing up and down would produce vertical. The "wheel" effect could use an artificial horizon triggered by flipping, (Best done by those with 3 or more years of gymnastic training). Squeezing the buttocks would result in a click, whereas two quick squeezes would double click. The shortcut menu would appear as a result of prolonged squeezing. (Note-the butt mouse should be removed before initiation of the excretory process to prolong the life of the equipment. Consult a doctor before applying.)
The Knee Mouse
For those of you knee wigglers, this one is for you. The mouse would be attached to hanging joysticks, and operated by tank-like controls. The right knee would control position, while the left would control buttons (Moving left right and center with a sharp knee-jerk reaction to activate the button.) Training for this mouse also doubles for training in Women's Self Defense in some programs.
The Eye-Mouse
This mouse would be inserted in the eye by means of a special contact lens (Available with your prescription) that tracks the movement of your eye. Motion of the eye directs the mouse pointer, while winking produces a single click. Left clicking is done with the left eye, while right clicking is done with the right eye. A blink will shut down the computer with an option to format C:
The Full Body Inertial
Those who complain of the inactivity of desk jobs will appreciate the innovations in Full Body Inertial Mouse Hardware. The FBI Mouse tracks actual motion of a user by installing three sensors in the walls of you office or cubicle. Running in a left circle will move the mouse left, while the converse will move it right. Hopping up while flapping your arms moves up vertically, while doing squats moves it down. Toe touch left and right operates the buttons.
The Verbal Mouse
The Verbal Mouse, true to its name, operates entirely by voice command. Here is a transcript of the beta-model testing:
First Voice: "Ok...go right a bit."
"Now stop."
"Drat...no...go back just a smidge."
"There...right"
"No not you!...go back where you were"
"Good...now left click"
"No click not move...no...not click there move back right."
"Oh blast it all...No wait!"
Second Voice: "Hey Harry...did you just erase the hard drive?"
"No...not you...stop!"
Third Voice : "Hey...who what's this damned tape recorder doing here?!" fuzzzz....
End Transcription
The Labyrinth Mouse
Operated like that favorite marble game, this mouse has two opposable levers which tilt the mouse-pad one way or another. The roller ball, free from dust and grime, rolls about over a touch pad that moves the mouse in a similar way over the screen. When the ball reaches the desired position, you simply lift it and slam it against your forehead. When the dizziness passes, you can look to see if you managed to click on the correct position. If not, repeat.
The Mouse Gun
The mouse gun operates on the ever-popular light gun principal, where the screen receives a light signal that tells the mouse where it's pointing. The Gun would have two triggers, one for left and one for right, and could be set on automatic, to click several times a second repeatedly (Useful for those impatient web surfers who are convinced that clicking on a link more than once facilitates a speedy entry into the website, and that pushing the street crossing button when there are already 10 people there makes a difference). The deluxe edition of this gun has three settings, standard, stun, and "Who the #$% invented these #@$damned machines?"
Expect to see any and all of these innovative designs in stores near you, or on the Internet, where you can order one with a squeeze of your buttocks.
There are the roller mousses, which require being lifted to move all the way across the screen, and often form nasty collections of sweat, grime and dust after long use.
Later, the laser mousses came out which still required being lifted, but managed to form lots of sweat grime and dust on the lenses, and were more or less useless without the accompanying grid-pad.
Later the roller-ball solved the problem of picking up the mouse, by turning the mouse on it's belly and applying sweat, grime and dust directly to the ball for far less satisfying results.
Later, they went back to the laser, which still requires picking up the mouse, but did away with the grid thing, much to the chagrin of the mouse-grid marketing people.
So where is this all headed? Are we to use hand-held mice that require constant cleaning and picking up for the remainder of our lives? I think not. Here are some inventive ideas for where mice might be going in the future:
The Foot Mouse
The foot mouse could be operated with a gyroscopic pedal, like a joystick, with the right controlling position, and the left controlling various buttons. It would take a bit to learn, but shouldn't be much harder than the pedals for a car. The advantage here is that with a sealed pedal, the mouse would not collect dust, and wouldn't stick or have to be cleaned. It doesn't take up desk space, and gets more of the body into the motion of using the computer. You don't have to lift your hands to use the mouse, which makes you more efficient. And you don't have to have a large surface for the mousepad.
The Tongue Mouse
This mouse has many advantages, not the least of which is that greater tongue activity leads to better oral hygiene. The tongue mouse would operate with tongue in cheek mechanism which uses a mouth insert that fits over the tongue and is tracked by a sensor that clips onto the sides of the teeth. Moving the tongue left, right, up and down would have the common effect, and there would be small buttons on the left and right which could be depressed much the same way as you would use the left and right buttons of a normal mouse. There could be a wheel insert on the roof of the mouth. (Exercises to prepare for the mouth mouse could include eating large amounts of spinach, popcorn and peanut butter.)
The Butt Mouse
My personal favorite, the butt mouse is operated by the gluteus maximus. This would have to operate on the Macintosh, one button, approach, except for those with exceptionally dexterous posteriors. These would be specifically for laptops, however, as the butt mouse may best be operated while walking. A left or right swing of the butt would produce lateral motion, while bobbing up and down would produce vertical. The "wheel" effect could use an artificial horizon triggered by flipping, (Best done by those with 3 or more years of gymnastic training). Squeezing the buttocks would result in a click, whereas two quick squeezes would double click. The shortcut menu would appear as a result of prolonged squeezing. (Note-the butt mouse should be removed before initiation of the excretory process to prolong the life of the equipment. Consult a doctor before applying.)
The Knee Mouse
For those of you knee wigglers, this one is for you. The mouse would be attached to hanging joysticks, and operated by tank-like controls. The right knee would control position, while the left would control buttons (Moving left right and center with a sharp knee-jerk reaction to activate the button.) Training for this mouse also doubles for training in Women's Self Defense in some programs.
The Eye-Mouse
This mouse would be inserted in the eye by means of a special contact lens (Available with your prescription) that tracks the movement of your eye. Motion of the eye directs the mouse pointer, while winking produces a single click. Left clicking is done with the left eye, while right clicking is done with the right eye. A blink will shut down the computer with an option to format C:
The Full Body Inertial
Those who complain of the inactivity of desk jobs will appreciate the innovations in Full Body Inertial Mouse Hardware. The FBI Mouse tracks actual motion of a user by installing three sensors in the walls of you office or cubicle. Running in a left circle will move the mouse left, while the converse will move it right. Hopping up while flapping your arms moves up vertically, while doing squats moves it down. Toe touch left and right operates the buttons.
The Verbal Mouse
The Verbal Mouse, true to its name, operates entirely by voice command. Here is a transcript of the beta-model testing:
First Voice: "Ok...go right a bit."
"Now stop."
"Drat...no...go back just a smidge."
"There...right"
"No not you!...go back where you were"
"Good...now left click"
"No click not move...no...not click there move back right."
"Oh blast it all...No wait!"
Second Voice: "Hey Harry...did you just erase the hard drive?"
"No...not you...stop!"
Third Voice : "Hey...who what's this damned tape recorder doing here?!" fuzzzz....
End Transcription
The Labyrinth Mouse
Operated like that favorite marble game, this mouse has two opposable levers which tilt the mouse-pad one way or another. The roller ball, free from dust and grime, rolls about over a touch pad that moves the mouse in a similar way over the screen. When the ball reaches the desired position, you simply lift it and slam it against your forehead. When the dizziness passes, you can look to see if you managed to click on the correct position. If not, repeat.
The Mouse Gun
The mouse gun operates on the ever-popular light gun principal, where the screen receives a light signal that tells the mouse where it's pointing. The Gun would have two triggers, one for left and one for right, and could be set on automatic, to click several times a second repeatedly (Useful for those impatient web surfers who are convinced that clicking on a link more than once facilitates a speedy entry into the website, and that pushing the street crossing button when there are already 10 people there makes a difference). The deluxe edition of this gun has three settings, standard, stun, and "Who the #$% invented these #@$damned machines?"
Expect to see any and all of these innovative designs in stores near you, or on the Internet, where you can order one with a squeeze of your buttocks.
