TAURUS You seem stressed, Taurus. Tormented, in fact. Relax. Everything's going to be all right, going to be all right, going to be all right, bay-ay-bie. Other signs think you're cooler than usual, so bask in it. Basking is so unstressful! One warning: Don't get drunk and register as an AA member.
GEMINI What a productive period for you! Even though your luck was crappy just a week ago. Work flows to you. Plus your hair looks nice. You're keeping your New Years' resolutions, which is quite impressive. Saturn says, don't dive into anything just yet. Although being wanted is flattering and tempting, not all opportunities are good. Stay away from slicing stuff, and you'll be fine. Aren't we cryptic!
CANCER This week back hair increases by 30 percent. If you have no back hair, don't worry. 30 times zero is zero. If you do have back hair -- buy stock in the wax industry. Now! Also, this week you better someone's life. Perhaps a child. Perhaps not. If this horoscope seems short to you all, it's because it is!
LEOYour lucky colour of the week is yellow. Apply for jobs with companies that have yellow logos. Worship the sun. Pursue a babe in a yellow sweater (Remember, babes are men or women). Look around and marvel at all the opportunities that are tied to this colour. If you do not find that yellow is lucky for you this week, return the unused portion of this horoscope for a full refund.
VIRGO Why do fools fall in Love? Because. Because why? Because love makes you do stupid, crazy things. You're doing stupid crazy things this week. We hope it's because you're in love.
LIBRA Al Gore has a wicked comb-over. Advanced NASA technology is what makes his four remaining hairs on top look full and thick. This week, Libra should take advantage of technology at their fingertips. E-mail someone you fancy and you'll impress his or her socks off. If you're a foot-fetishist, so much the better!
SCORPIO Don'cha just good commercials? Yeah, you do. Commercials seem to have become funnier. A decade ago a geriatric saying, "Where's The Beef?" was considered a riot. Now advances in commercial technology make that old bat seem -- like an old bat. You too make making great strides. Remember where you were a year ago? If you don't, we'll tell you: You were a loser. But now? You're about to be the most desirable sign going. So go, be desirable already.
SAGITTARIUS We are so sick of hearing about the flu. A person yapping about their symptoms is an annoying 24-hour brain hurter. This week Sagittarius feels perdy darn good. Better than usual. How nice for you. Bring soup or Boggle to a friend, and they'll be yours for life.
CAPRICORN Mould spores in the air. So what. Who gives a whoop? You do. Cappy is paranoid this week. All your loved ones have been sick. So you're bracing yourself for something snotty. You're sure you're going to come down with a cold or something. We'd love to lie and say you'll be fine -- so we will. You'll be fine!
AQUARIUS Time flies when you're having fun. And when you're not. So have fun. You're getting older by the second. You're older than when you first started reading this horoscope. Now get wiser: Get down with water sign this week, and don't let any air sign do you down. And oh, Earth signs are easy. Get some action from a Taurus.
PISCES Last week we forgot to give Pisces a new horoscope. We suck. We apologise. We love you. More than ever, thanks to planetary alignment. Feel the love coming at you from all signs. Accept the caresses of a Capricorn, Taurus, and/or a Sagittarius. But stay away from a rogue Libra or Aries.
ARIES So we're on a heath kick here at Loony Central. It's like a non-stop salad commune. But one of our astrologers was cutting cucumbers, and sliced her finger open. Blood galore. Then we realised that fattening foods are much less dangerous. You can't impale yourself on a marshmallow, or get so much as a scratch from a Big Mac. This week, Aries should stay away from sharp objects. Nothing hard should be eaten. Yup, that means - no scones. Deal.