Naughty uses for an air-compressor
Created | Updated Sep 15, 2007
Cackle, cackle" (choke on hotdog)
So what is an air-compressor anyway? It's a wonderful device for compressing air. To do this it uses a variety of mechanisms, all of which are essentially variations on a pump. An air-compressor has a hose coming out of it and this is where (in most portable or commercial models) up to 1200-psi of atmosphere can be delivered. There are many, many banal and vaguely industrial uses for air-compressors. This entry is concerned with the profusion of cheeky, slightly disgusting, mischievous and anti-social uses that are available to the discerning air compressor aficionado.
Animals
Upsetting the dog: part A
Place thumb over nozzle and fire up the beast. Summon the hound. As the pet approaches, slowly ease your thumb back to the correct level of pressure to create a horrible squealing sound.
-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-
Creating a milk cannon.
This isn't really naughty. Cats like milk.
Blasting the clay off your Gypsy style baked hedgehog.
Make sure you check it thoroughly for ticks before putting the clay on. Yummy.
Upsetting the dog: part B
See Part A. Console yourself with the canine and repeat. Eventually the poor doggy will become highly exasperated and start snapping at the nozzle. Fully release your thumb from the nozzle at the correct moment and your mutt's jowels will billow out like a big fleshy parachute.
The community
Launching crab apples and stilborn gerbils onto your posh next-door neighbour's posh upstairs balcony.
Use the crab apples as tracers and try to get a glancing blow off the french window. Let rip with the gerbils while being aware that nobody will have any sympathy for you if you get caught.
Inflating giant, wobbles but won't fall down Mr Blobby esq. clown thing halfway through posh next-door neighbour's posh letterbox.
This is the best cure for depression in the universe. Don't do this with someone who has asthema.
Blasting the posh leaves off your posh nextdoor neighbour's posh trees
You can't do this as it is probably a mite illegal. You can, however, blast the salt of the earth leaves off your own salt of the earth trees
in such a way that they land in your posh nextdoor neighbour's posh garden. If he comes round to complain afterwards you can tell him it's an aesthetic conceit and then start humming the Dambusters.
Stencilling a big juicy picture of Osama Bin Laden onto your wheelie bin.
Get a spray can adaptor. To make the stencil you may need to try to stop laughing as this requires a steady hand. Apply stencil and spray, peel away stencil and marvel. You can start laughing now. Nobody will want to make homebrew in that.
Friends and loved ones
Tricking your credulous friend into thinking you bought the air-compressor to clean the fluff off your motherboard.
Maybe you did. Who can tell?
Cheering up your partner.
There is nothing as cheering for your loved one than coming home to a nice warm hallway in which you lie comfortably in wait to stun them them with a fusilade of tangerines.
Tricking a different more credulous friend into thinking that the air-compressor is a relic of your days as a freelance moose inseminator.
Some judicious photoshop usage may be required here. The more stolid looking the moose the better.
The Family
Tricking your reasonably astute older sister into believing that there is a french air-raid in progress and that you've just been blown into chunky kibbles.
You'll need to bury the hose for this one with a modified watering-can sprinkler on the end facing skywards in a horn-shaped pit. On top of this place a mixture of dry grass, lots of fine, dry loose earth and a bit of flour. You also need an accomplice lurking in the shed to fire the mother when you give the signal of looking skyward with your hand shading your eyes. Do this when the explosive pit is about a foot away from you and directly between you and your sister. Hit the dirt. Faked radio footage is a good setup for this one.
Tricking your younger sister into believing that monsters from another dimension are coming out of the pantry.
Bicycle innertubes make superb writhing tentacles with plenty of power left from the compressor to create an occult wind. The key to this one is keeping your sister at the correct angle to the pantry and being able to borrow a red-head or brunnette (very, very powerfull lights used in film making). Walk into the pantry whacking at the tentacles with a feather duster then do your impression of a pig in a cement mixer. Instant X-files.
Inflating your younger sister's waterwings to such an extent that she can no longer get them over her wrists and then poly-cementing the valve shut.
Once the wings have been officially declared as a lost cause you can hand them in at university as objets d'art. If your last piece was a giant ying-yang made out of meringue and black-pudding you can expect to be asked hard questions.
Causing a stuffed deer head to projectile vomit all over your dad.
You may need to go to extraodinary lengths to pull this one off. Upto and including waiting for your parents to go on holiday so you can get under the panneling undetected. It'll serve him right for having the thing. It's not "A stark reminder of man's inhumanity to deers", its just horrible.
Pretending you've lost your job and have decided to run a mini lottery to see who gets to eat.
Obtain plastic gold fish bowl. Drill hole in bottom of bowl and insert nozzle. Affix to improvised stand. Apropriate granny's toilet seat adaptor thingy, invert it on the vertical axis, and affix to stand around and beneath bowl. Nice trough. Number some polystyrene balls and place them in the bowl. Fire up beast, call out numbers and present cold pilchard and cress sandwich.
Making a hydraulic Terminator arm that crawls across the kitchen or waves like the Queen.
It may help to have got half-way through trying to make a plotter before deciding it was too much like hard work and that you had no concievable need for a plotter anyway.
So what is an air-compressor anyway? It's a wonderful device for compressing air. To do this it uses a variety of mechanisms, all of which are essentially variations on a pump. An air-compressor has a hose coming out of it and this is where (in most portable or commercial models) up to 1200-psi of atmosphere can be delivered. There are many, many banal and vaguely industrial uses for air-compressors. This entry is concerned with the profusion of cheeky, slightly disgusting, mischievous and anti-social uses that are available to the discerning air compressor aficionado.
Animals
Upsetting the dog: part A
Place thumb over nozzle and fire up the beast. Summon the hound. As the pet approaches, slowly ease your thumb back to the correct level of pressure to create a horrible squealing sound.
-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-
Creating a milk cannon.
This isn't really naughty. Cats like milk.
Blasting the clay off your Gypsy style baked hedgehog.
Make sure you check it thoroughly for ticks before putting the clay on. Yummy.
Upsetting the dog: part B
See Part A. Console yourself with the canine and repeat. Eventually the poor doggy will become highly exasperated and start snapping at the nozzle. Fully release your thumb from the nozzle at the correct moment and your mutt's jowels will billow out like a big fleshy parachute.
The community
Launching crab apples and stilborn gerbils onto your posh next-door neighbour's posh upstairs balcony.
Use the crab apples as tracers and try to get a glancing blow off the french window. Let rip with the gerbils while being aware that nobody will have any sympathy for you if you get caught.
Inflating giant, wobbles but won't fall down Mr Blobby esq. clown thing halfway through posh next-door neighbour's posh letterbox.
This is the best cure for depression in the universe. Don't do this with someone who has asthema.
Blasting the posh leaves off your posh nextdoor neighbour's posh trees
You can't do this as it is probably a mite illegal. You can, however, blast the salt of the earth leaves off your own salt of the earth trees
in such a way that they land in your posh nextdoor neighbour's posh garden. If he comes round to complain afterwards you can tell him it's an aesthetic conceit and then start humming the Dambusters.
Stencilling a big juicy picture of Osama Bin Laden onto your wheelie bin.
Get a spray can adaptor. To make the stencil you may need to try to stop laughing as this requires a steady hand. Apply stencil and spray, peel away stencil and marvel. You can start laughing now. Nobody will want to make homebrew in that.
Friends and loved ones
Tricking your credulous friend into thinking you bought the air-compressor to clean the fluff off your motherboard.
Maybe you did. Who can tell?
Cheering up your partner.
There is nothing as cheering for your loved one than coming home to a nice warm hallway in which you lie comfortably in wait to stun them them with a fusilade of tangerines.
Tricking a different more credulous friend into thinking that the air-compressor is a relic of your days as a freelance moose inseminator.
Some judicious photoshop usage may be required here. The more stolid looking the moose the better.
The Family
Tricking your reasonably astute older sister into believing that there is a french air-raid in progress and that you've just been blown into chunky kibbles.
You'll need to bury the hose for this one with a modified watering-can sprinkler on the end facing skywards in a horn-shaped pit. On top of this place a mixture of dry grass, lots of fine, dry loose earth and a bit of flour. You also need an accomplice lurking in the shed to fire the mother when you give the signal of looking skyward with your hand shading your eyes. Do this when the explosive pit is about a foot away from you and directly between you and your sister. Hit the dirt. Faked radio footage is a good setup for this one.
Tricking your younger sister into believing that monsters from another dimension are coming out of the pantry.
Bicycle innertubes make superb writhing tentacles with plenty of power left from the compressor to create an occult wind. The key to this one is keeping your sister at the correct angle to the pantry and being able to borrow a red-head or brunnette (very, very powerfull lights used in film making). Walk into the pantry whacking at the tentacles with a feather duster then do your impression of a pig in a cement mixer. Instant X-files.
Inflating your younger sister's waterwings to such an extent that she can no longer get them over her wrists and then poly-cementing the valve shut.
Once the wings have been officially declared as a lost cause you can hand them in at university as objets d'art. If your last piece was a giant ying-yang made out of meringue and black-pudding you can expect to be asked hard questions.
Causing a stuffed deer head to projectile vomit all over your dad.
You may need to go to extraodinary lengths to pull this one off. Upto and including waiting for your parents to go on holiday so you can get under the panneling undetected. It'll serve him right for having the thing. It's not "A stark reminder of man's inhumanity to deers", its just horrible.
Pretending you've lost your job and have decided to run a mini lottery to see who gets to eat.
Obtain plastic gold fish bowl. Drill hole in bottom of bowl and insert nozzle. Affix to improvised stand. Apropriate granny's toilet seat adaptor thingy, invert it on the vertical axis, and affix to stand around and beneath bowl. Nice trough. Number some polystyrene balls and place them in the bowl. Fire up beast, call out numbers and present cold pilchard and cress sandwich.
Making a hydraulic Terminator arm that crawls across the kitchen or waves like the Queen.
It may help to have got half-way through trying to make a plotter before deciding it was too much like hard work and that you had no concievable need for a plotter anyway.
