The Friendly Murderer part 1
Created | Updated Apr 10, 2004
All was dark. All was silent. Then someone turned on the lights and Backstreet Boys started blaring out of the stereo.
“Turn those bloody things off!” yelled the suspicious figure in the black cloak. “How the hell am I expected to murder someone if the lights are on and bloody pop music is playing.”
“Geez. Sorry.” Said the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head. “Who are you trying to murder anyway?”
“You” said the suspicious figure in the black cloak.
“Oh” said the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head. “Well you better get it over with then. And make it friendly.”
“Yeah whatever,” said the suspicious figure in the black cloak. “That’s my job anyway”
And so the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head was killed by a suspicious figure in a black cloak. It was very friendly.
**********************************************************************
“The friendly murderer has stuck again for the first time.” said Catman Nick.
“Friendly? What kind of murder is friendly?” asked Rockchick Sophie
“This one.” said Khaospixie Al.
All around the table, mouths opened in horror. “This one?” they all cried
“Yes” said Catman.
“What happened?” asked Flamegoddess Hal.
“Yeah, what happened?” asked Vampgirl Pat.
“An unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head was friendly murdered by a suspicious figure in a black cloak.” Said Khaospixie. Very ungrammatically. Ooops. I mean – undramatically. You can use ungrammatically if you like, but it doesn’t make sense. Where was I?... Oh yeah.
“Shock horror!” said Vampgirl. Sarcastically. “I mean, how tragic.”
“What was the very friendly cause of death?” asked Billybob Rosie.
“Yeah, How did the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head die friendlily?” asked Capsicum Wendy.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” asked Dragonball Chris.
“Yeah” said everyone, which was actually a hell of a lot of people.
“They covered the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head with chocolate sauce.” Said Dragonball. “And a hoard of teletubbies ate him.”
“My God! That is friendly!” said Madgoalie Katie.
“Yeah!” said Vampgirl. “So friendly I wish I’d thought of doing it myself.”
“Me too.” Said Bruce Laura.
“Wow. It’s just so amazingly friendly” said Catman.
“You know what would be even friendlier?” asked Vampgirl.
“No. What?” the entire table chorused.
“If this table, friendlily blew up unexpectedly while we were sitting here talking.” said Vampgirl
Suddenly the table friendlily blew up unexpectedly while they were sitting there talking. Damn that is one huge coincidence
************************************************************************
“Damn that is one huge coincidence!” said Catman, getting off the floor and cracking his shoulder back in to place.
“Tell me about it.” said Madgoalie, gluing her foot back on.
“Wow” said Rockchick, the explosion had turned her hair into dreadlocks. She was happy.
“What the hell?!” said Bruce.
“Where is everyone else?” asked Khaospixie.
“We’re over here” chorused those who were still alive, Namely – Vampgirl, Flamegoddess, Capsicum, Billybob and a suspicious figure in a black cloak. No I appear to have made the last one up. Now that would be a MAJOR coincidence.
“Damn!” said Catman. The explosion had killed a lot of people.
“Now we must discuss suspects” said Bruce.
“Can’t we do that later?” asked Vampgirl
“Has anyone seen my head?” asked Billybob. “I appear to have lost it.”
“Shut up” said Rockchick.
“Can I help?” asked a mysteriously suspicious figure in a mysterious black cloak.
“No, we’re right. We’re not looking for a mysteriously suspicious figure in a black cloak, just a suspicious figure in a black cloak. There’s a difference you know!” said Capsicum.
“I have dreadlocks” said Rockchick. “Now I truly am a Rock Chick. Feel my wrath.”
“Meh.” Khaospixie said. Very mehly
“That was pretty meh.” Said Flamegoddess. Dammit that word is so long to type. I’ll change it to Flamegod. That’s better. Actually, Flame is even shorter. Coolness.
“Well can I help then?” asked a truly crazy looking person. It was Crazyperson Kendra. Wearing a hat. Now that is damn crazy.
“You’re late.” Said Vampgirl.
“Stop trying to copy Lord of the Rings dammit.” Said Rockchick. “You very well know that I am in love with Legolas.”
“I thought you were in love with Tommy.” said Vampgirl.
“Oh yeah.”
“Now who’s crazy.” Said Crazyperson.
***********************************************************************
A suspicious looking figure in a black cloak was walking along the street. Walking in the complete opposite direction was Rockchick and Catman.
“Oh look,” said Rockchick, “A suspicious figure in a black cloak,”
“Oh hey, cool.” said Catman.
The figure in the black cloak had a stronghold on a random victim on the street. The random victim wearing a denim jacket was being force fed a doughnut. Very suspiciously friendly. Catman noticed this.
“Hey Rockchick, that looks suspiciously friendly.” Catman said.
“Too suspiciously friendly.” Rockchick replied.
“What’s going on?” asked Dancequeen Bec, who has just entered the story for the first time.
“Friendly Murder number two.” said Capsicum, who had also just entered the story, but not for the first time.
“This is getting crazy.” Madgoalie cried.
“Tell me about it” said Catman, “you guys are just appearing out of nowhere.”
“You got a problem with that?” asked Khaospixie.
“Yeah, you got a problem with that?” queried Bruce.
“Aggh” said Crazyperson
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” asked Flame.
“I think,” said Billybob, “It means that there are too many people in this story and more of them need to be killed off.”
“Sounds cool.” Catman said coolly.
“Hey does anyone know where Vampgirl is?” asked Madgoalie.
“Umm. No.” everyone said.
Suddenly a truck came hurtling down from the sky. This would have been suspiciously fine except the truck door’s opened any hundreds of millions of marshmallows fell down upon them.
“Arrgggh!” everyone except Vampgirl screamed, because lets face it. She wasn’t even there.
“Arrgh!” screamed Flame from underneath a big pile of marshmallows, “I have Athaiophobia!”
“What the hell is that?” asked Bruce, who was coincidently, also underneath a big pile of marshmallows.
“The fear of marshmallows!” cried Flame.
Suddenly Vampgirl came walking down the street.
“Hey, sup guys?” she asked casually, as if her friends being drowned in marshmallows was a regular thing.
“Could you kinda save our lives here?” asked Bruce.
“Oh yeah sure,” Vampgirl whistled and a pack of elephants came and ate all the marshmallows.
Those who were still alive got up of the sweet, mallowed ground. Namely, Flame, Bruce, Rockchick, Capsicum, Madgoalie, Crazyperson and Billybob. Khaospixie was tragically eaten along with the marshmallows by the elephants. That is one crazy coincidence seeing as she was eaten by an elephant in all her past lives as well. Catman was eaten by cats who had come along to investigate the matter. Dancequeen choked to death on marshmallows. Damn that is one friendly way to die.
To be continued…
“Turn those bloody things off!” yelled the suspicious figure in the black cloak. “How the hell am I expected to murder someone if the lights are on and bloody pop music is playing.”
“Geez. Sorry.” Said the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head. “Who are you trying to murder anyway?”
“You” said the suspicious figure in the black cloak.
“Oh” said the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head. “Well you better get it over with then. And make it friendly.”
“Yeah whatever,” said the suspicious figure in the black cloak. “That’s my job anyway”
And so the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head was killed by a suspicious figure in a black cloak. It was very friendly.
**********************************************************************
“The friendly murderer has stuck again for the first time.” said Catman Nick.
“Friendly? What kind of murder is friendly?” asked Rockchick Sophie
“This one.” said Khaospixie Al.
All around the table, mouths opened in horror. “This one?” they all cried
“Yes” said Catman.
“What happened?” asked Flamegoddess Hal.
“Yeah, what happened?” asked Vampgirl Pat.
“An unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head was friendly murdered by a suspicious figure in a black cloak.” Said Khaospixie. Very ungrammatically. Ooops. I mean – undramatically. You can use ungrammatically if you like, but it doesn’t make sense. Where was I?... Oh yeah.
“Shock horror!” said Vampgirl. Sarcastically. “I mean, how tragic.”
“What was the very friendly cause of death?” asked Billybob Rosie.
“Yeah, How did the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head die friendlily?” asked Capsicum Wendy.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” asked Dragonball Chris.
“Yeah” said everyone, which was actually a hell of a lot of people.
“They covered the unsuspecting victim with a turnip on his head with chocolate sauce.” Said Dragonball. “And a hoard of teletubbies ate him.”
“My God! That is friendly!” said Madgoalie Katie.
“Yeah!” said Vampgirl. “So friendly I wish I’d thought of doing it myself.”
“Me too.” Said Bruce Laura.
“Wow. It’s just so amazingly friendly” said Catman.
“You know what would be even friendlier?” asked Vampgirl.
“No. What?” the entire table chorused.
“If this table, friendlily blew up unexpectedly while we were sitting here talking.” said Vampgirl
Suddenly the table friendlily blew up unexpectedly while they were sitting there talking. Damn that is one huge coincidence
************************************************************************
“Damn that is one huge coincidence!” said Catman, getting off the floor and cracking his shoulder back in to place.
“Tell me about it.” said Madgoalie, gluing her foot back on.
“Wow” said Rockchick, the explosion had turned her hair into dreadlocks. She was happy.
“What the hell?!” said Bruce.
“Where is everyone else?” asked Khaospixie.
“We’re over here” chorused those who were still alive, Namely – Vampgirl, Flamegoddess, Capsicum, Billybob and a suspicious figure in a black cloak. No I appear to have made the last one up. Now that would be a MAJOR coincidence.
“Damn!” said Catman. The explosion had killed a lot of people.
“Now we must discuss suspects” said Bruce.
“Can’t we do that later?” asked Vampgirl
“Has anyone seen my head?” asked Billybob. “I appear to have lost it.”
“Shut up” said Rockchick.
“Can I help?” asked a mysteriously suspicious figure in a mysterious black cloak.
“No, we’re right. We’re not looking for a mysteriously suspicious figure in a black cloak, just a suspicious figure in a black cloak. There’s a difference you know!” said Capsicum.
“I have dreadlocks” said Rockchick. “Now I truly am a Rock Chick. Feel my wrath.”
“Meh.” Khaospixie said. Very mehly
“That was pretty meh.” Said Flamegoddess. Dammit that word is so long to type. I’ll change it to Flamegod. That’s better. Actually, Flame is even shorter. Coolness.
“Well can I help then?” asked a truly crazy looking person. It was Crazyperson Kendra. Wearing a hat. Now that is damn crazy.
“You’re late.” Said Vampgirl.
“Stop trying to copy Lord of the Rings dammit.” Said Rockchick. “You very well know that I am in love with Legolas.”
“I thought you were in love with Tommy.” said Vampgirl.
“Oh yeah.”
“Now who’s crazy.” Said Crazyperson.
***********************************************************************
A suspicious looking figure in a black cloak was walking along the street. Walking in the complete opposite direction was Rockchick and Catman.
“Oh look,” said Rockchick, “A suspicious figure in a black cloak,”
“Oh hey, cool.” said Catman.
The figure in the black cloak had a stronghold on a random victim on the street. The random victim wearing a denim jacket was being force fed a doughnut. Very suspiciously friendly. Catman noticed this.
“Hey Rockchick, that looks suspiciously friendly.” Catman said.
“Too suspiciously friendly.” Rockchick replied.
“What’s going on?” asked Dancequeen Bec, who has just entered the story for the first time.
“Friendly Murder number two.” said Capsicum, who had also just entered the story, but not for the first time.
“This is getting crazy.” Madgoalie cried.
“Tell me about it” said Catman, “you guys are just appearing out of nowhere.”
“You got a problem with that?” asked Khaospixie.
“Yeah, you got a problem with that?” queried Bruce.
“Aggh” said Crazyperson
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” asked Flame.
“I think,” said Billybob, “It means that there are too many people in this story and more of them need to be killed off.”
“Sounds cool.” Catman said coolly.
“Hey does anyone know where Vampgirl is?” asked Madgoalie.
“Umm. No.” everyone said.
Suddenly a truck came hurtling down from the sky. This would have been suspiciously fine except the truck door’s opened any hundreds of millions of marshmallows fell down upon them.
“Arrgggh!” everyone except Vampgirl screamed, because lets face it. She wasn’t even there.
“Arrgh!” screamed Flame from underneath a big pile of marshmallows, “I have Athaiophobia!”
“What the hell is that?” asked Bruce, who was coincidently, also underneath a big pile of marshmallows.
“The fear of marshmallows!” cried Flame.
Suddenly Vampgirl came walking down the street.
“Hey, sup guys?” she asked casually, as if her friends being drowned in marshmallows was a regular thing.
“Could you kinda save our lives here?” asked Bruce.
“Oh yeah sure,” Vampgirl whistled and a pack of elephants came and ate all the marshmallows.
Those who were still alive got up of the sweet, mallowed ground. Namely, Flame, Bruce, Rockchick, Capsicum, Madgoalie, Crazyperson and Billybob. Khaospixie was tragically eaten along with the marshmallows by the elephants. That is one crazy coincidence seeing as she was eaten by an elephant in all her past lives as well. Catman was eaten by cats who had come along to investigate the matter. Dancequeen choked to death on marshmallows. Damn that is one friendly way to die.
To be continued…
