Ashtrays (Alternatives to)
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
An ashtray is a receptacle for the safe depositing of cigarette by-products. The easiest way to discover if something is an ashtray is by judging its proximity to the nearest smoker. If the object is more than five feet from the comfortably seated smoker, that object is an ashtray.
Ashtrays share the same qualities of inverse magnetism as remote controls, soap in bathwater and postage stamps. The reason for their aversion to the vicinity of humans is unclear, and this behaviour has had an problematic effect on the lifestyle of smokers for centuries.
For this reason many smokers have experimented with alternate forms of ash storage.
1. Cups
Cups are the safest alternative to ashtrays, as they often contain a liquid residue. This safely extinguishes the cigarette 'butt' with a highly satisfactory hissing sound. For the inebriated smoker they combine the benefits of security and ease of use.
2. Newspapers
Should not be considered under any circumstances. Despite being referred to as "Hot off the press" the average tabloid is not sufficiently fire retardant.
3. Clothing
Clothing, particularly jumpers and ex German army shirts, is frequently mistaken for ashtrays by the student population. The number of people entering postgraduate courses in the UK has grown in recent years however, which leads me to believe that such self immolation is rarely fatal. It does leave the wearer looking like a victim of radioactive moths though.
4. Tinfoil
A strange substitute to be sure. This method was invented by the lab technicians at McDonalds, and was introduced throughout their restaurants in the UK during the heady days of public smoking. As ashtrays they fell woefully short of any purpose, as the ash burned through them and left an ugly patina on the formica tabletops. They did prove to be popular with schoolchildren, who frequently lobbed them at other customers with astonishing accuracy.
5. Carpets
Adds a Bohemian look to a room. This looks particularly pleasing if the room in question is not your own.
6. Matchboxes
Best avoided. This Researcher believed he had found a fine alternative to the ashtray at first, using an empty box. After several problem free 'stubbings' the Researcher inadvertantly disposed of a cigarette in someone elses matchbox, producing a colourful and exciting firework display which ended in a teary visit to casualty.
