In Full Sensolite©
(Budget (PLUS) Edition)
This story contains the very latest Sensolit© Technology.
You will be given instructions as you read, so that you can take full advantage of the Sensolit© features of this story.
You must keep hold of the book at all times and carry out the instructions exactly.
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Sensolit© Instruction No. 0
(see 5 below)
Before reading this book you should:
0.1 Put the cat into the baby’s bedroom.
0.2 Turn on baby’s microphone link to lounge.
0.3 Close the door to baby's room.
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The story begins:
..............COMPUTER LOG 65/#1…………….
Class 5 Star Freighter: ………………The Mining Ship Nostromo
Crew: Captain, Jack, Helen............
Auxiliaries : cat……………………..
Return trip to Earth: 6 years. ………………………..Crew have just been reawakened.........
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“Never again,” said Jack, getting out of his cryochamber.
“We have only done three years;” said Helen, “only half way home.”
“The computer woke us up early, received a distress call and we have to check it out,” said the Captain.
The crew got in the shuttle ready for the drop to the planet.
“Release clamps and 3, 2, 1, go………………”
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Sensolit© Instruction No.1
1.1 Open upstairs window
1.2 Affix a set of strong rubber braces to a pair
of “Baden Powel reinforced shorts for boys.” Your Dad will have some in his cupboard.
1.3 Nail braces to window frame.
1.4 Jump!
1.5 Cut braces just as you hit the flower bed.
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The ship landed on the planet as if lowered by invisible elastic. The crew made their way to the crashed space ship.
“Whatever happened here,” said the Captain, “is over.”
“Hang on Captain, I can see something, I will just take a look,” said Jack. “There are sort of pods here covered in a blue mist. I can see something moving, it………..”
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Sensolit© Instruction No. 2
2.2 Prepare a silk tie on the end of a stick.
2.3 Empty 3 tins of Birds Instant Custard onto a heavy Pyrex dish.
2.4 Stand in front of the television.
2.5 Crack tie whip and throw dish of custard hard at television.
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“It’s an alien stuck on his face,” said Helen. “ I’m going to cut it off.”
As she did so, there was a squirt of fuming concentrated acid…..
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Sensolit© Instructions No.3
3.1 Find some concentrated hypochronic acid from your Dad’s shed.
3.2 Go to the upstairs room, preferably not your bedroom, pour acid on floor.
3.3 Run down stairs and watch acid eat its way through the ceiling and burn through Mum’s new woodblock flooring.
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The crew ran to the deck below and watched the acid eat its way through the Captain’s new gravity floor blocks.
“We can not help Jack until we are back on Earth,” said the Captain.
But, just then, the thing fell off Jack’s face and he sat up.
“I’m starving,” Jack said, as they sat down to eat before getting back in their cryochambers. Then Jack started coughing and spluttering. He fell on the table, holding his chest and screaming when….
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Sensolit© Instruction No.4
(This is a bit messy, so do it in the kitchen and watch out for the dripping acid)
4.1 Place a small dog in cardboard box.
4.2 Make a hole the size of a 10p piece in the side of the box.
4.3 Stretch cling film over the top of box.
4.4 Carefully empty six tins of chopped tomatoes, a jar of pickled beetroot, some pot noodles and a bottle of tomato ketchup into the top of the cling film, so that it stays in a sort of well above the dog.
4.5 Tape a sheet of greaseproof paper over the cling film.
4.6 Open all doors to back yard.
4.7 Through the hole in the box shout “Cats”.
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A creature about the size of a small dog screamed out of Jack’s chest and disappeared out of the cabin.
The Captain said, “We will have to go and get it Helen. You hold this movement detector and I’ll hold the flame thrower.”
“Why can’t I hold the flame thrower?”
“Because I am the Captain.”
Later in the cargo hold.
“Beep! Beep! …..” Went the movement detector.
“You open the door and I’ll zap it, Helen.”
She opened the door and something shot between the captain’s legs and he dropped the flame thrower.
“Now look what you’ve done.” said Helen.
“It was the cat.” said the Captain. “I’ll have to go and get it. Give me the movement thingy and don’t mess with the flame thrower while I am gone.”
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Sensolit© Instruction No.5
5.1 Empty 3 sachets of joke slime over dog, if it has come back.
5.2 Cut the bottom of curtains with a pair of scissors and rip the cloth as quickly as possible.
5.3 Crack tie whip (see 2.1 above)
5.4 Pull a really big sink plunger off a large double glassed window, whilst:
5.5 Throwing a Water melon hard against lounge wall and
5.6 Pushing a 56lb sack of potatoes off coffee table and onto floor with a deathly sounding thud.
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Later in the darkness of the ships hold the Captain slowly turned around and saw the alien, which had now mysteriously grown to three metres tall. It opened its extending jaws, stabbed him through the heart with its metal tongue, lifted him high off the ground, ripped his head off with its tail and threw it against the wall.
Helen decided the only thing to do was to set the nuclear engines of the Nostromo to self destruct, escape in the shuttle and blow up the Alien.
She picked up the flame thrower and went to the control centre, punched in her access code, unscrewed the cooling units and pressed the Red Button.
Helen then made her way to the shuttle, sat in the control seat, closed the air locks and…..
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Sensolit© Instruction No.6
6.1 Return to Lounge and turn on microphone to baby’s room.
6.2 Take care in the lounge, the slime will be slippery.
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Helen heard, over the loud speakers, the distant sound of a trapped cat.
She would have to rescue it. She took the flame thrower and made her way up to the cargo deck and found the cat. Then she returned to the shuttle closed the airlocks and blasted off from the Nostromo.
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Sensolit© Instruction No.7
Repeat No. 1. Use another pair of braces. (Reusing braces can be dangerous).
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“Nostromo will self destruct in 10 seconds, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4,…..
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Sensolit© Instruction No. 8
8.1 Place a lit candle in front of a CD player’s opening slot.
8.2 Place petrol lawn mower with petrol cap off under CD player.
8.3 Surround mower with 2.7 tons of dried prunes, a compact Thermo Nuclear Reactor Class IV (ex Russian Navy £27.50 in Army and Navy Stores)
8.4 Add box of New Year fire works and a bottle of the stuff that your Dad uses to get the barbecue going in summer.
8.5 Take the CD remote control out into garden.
8.6 Press the “Eject” button.
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3, 2, 1 ….. | BANG! BOOM! CRASH! WALLOP! POP! FLASH! SHAZAM! |
Helen watched as the Nostromer exploded like a semidetached house with a lawn mower and Compact Nuclear Reactor in the living room, surrounded by dried prunes and fireworks.
She stroked the cat and lay down in her cryochamber ready for the long journey home.
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Sensolit© promotes environmentally friendly reading habits:
Always tidy up after reading and before the folks come home.
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