Flying - how to achieve the best results
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
There is an art to flying.
It involves arriving at the airport at the correct time to catch your 'plane, for which you now discover you have left the tickets lying innocently on the piano. At home.
If, however, you DO have your tickets, you should find the correct desk and CHECK-IN. This is so that the air line also know that you are where they think you should be. This is also the point at which you say goodbye to any luggage you have, as it will be going into the baggage compartment.
IMPORTANT: Do not under ANY circumstances try to smuggle someone on board an aeroplane in your luggage. The baggage compartments are not pressurised, so they would find themselves without enough oxygen to maintain a normal, healthy life. Also, it would not be very comfortable, and they would miss out on the free drinks. :-(
When you have checked in, you are now free to lounge around, go to the duty-free (although this is now impossible, as duty-free has been abolished), eat in one of many fast (or slow) food outlets, or do generally whatever the hell you like. Unless it breaks the law.
When your flight is called, you should make your way to the correct 'gate'. These are the means of entering your aeroplane. Before you board, a member of the cabin crew should check your ticket (so that THEY know that you are in the right place at the right time), and tell you where to sit.
The rest is easy - you can just sit down, panic about dying a horrible death in mid-flight, and just let it all happen. So long as you follow the instructions, you should be OK.
It is probably best to say 'yes' to three out of any four questions that a member of the cabin crew asks you - especially if the word 'drink' is involved. This can make the whole experience of flying a whole lot more pleasurable. And you will probably remember less of it, so you can get nice and worried about the whole process the next time you fly.
Once you have landed and left the aircraft, you will have to retrieve your luggage. The chances are that it will have been put on a different 'plane to you, and probably going to somewhere on the opposite side of the planet to you.
However, it is worth checking the luggage carousels, as this is where your bags would turn up if they had been put on the correct flight. Make sure that you only take the bags that belong to you, as the one that you take that does not belong to you will invariably belong to the rather large, frightening chap who is standing behind you, ready to hit you.
After collecting your luggage, you are free to leave the airport, and do whatever it was that you wanted to do wherever it is that you now are.
It involves arriving at the airport at the correct time to catch your 'plane, for which you now discover you have left the tickets lying innocently on the piano. At home.
If, however, you DO have your tickets, you should find the correct desk and CHECK-IN. This is so that the air line also know that you are where they think you should be. This is also the point at which you say goodbye to any luggage you have, as it will be going into the baggage compartment.
IMPORTANT: Do not under ANY circumstances try to smuggle someone on board an aeroplane in your luggage. The baggage compartments are not pressurised, so they would find themselves without enough oxygen to maintain a normal, healthy life. Also, it would not be very comfortable, and they would miss out on the free drinks. :-(
When you have checked in, you are now free to lounge around, go to the duty-free (although this is now impossible, as duty-free has been abolished), eat in one of many fast (or slow) food outlets, or do generally whatever the hell you like. Unless it breaks the law.
When your flight is called, you should make your way to the correct 'gate'. These are the means of entering your aeroplane. Before you board, a member of the cabin crew should check your ticket (so that THEY know that you are in the right place at the right time), and tell you where to sit.
The rest is easy - you can just sit down, panic about dying a horrible death in mid-flight, and just let it all happen. So long as you follow the instructions, you should be OK.
It is probably best to say 'yes' to three out of any four questions that a member of the cabin crew asks you - especially if the word 'drink' is involved. This can make the whole experience of flying a whole lot more pleasurable. And you will probably remember less of it, so you can get nice and worried about the whole process the next time you fly.
Once you have landed and left the aircraft, you will have to retrieve your luggage. The chances are that it will have been put on a different 'plane to you, and probably going to somewhere on the opposite side of the planet to you.
However, it is worth checking the luggage carousels, as this is where your bags would turn up if they had been put on the correct flight. Make sure that you only take the bags that belong to you, as the one that you take that does not belong to you will invariably belong to the rather large, frightening chap who is standing behind you, ready to hit you.
After collecting your luggage, you are free to leave the airport, and do whatever it was that you wanted to do wherever it is that you now are.
