Roast Sucking Pig
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
This is a delicacy that's a popular item on most Chinese banquets. The chef will cook it by skewering a small piglet, eagle-spread on a pitch-fork, and roasting it slowly over a fire.
The seasoning is a dead secret, and it varies from chef to chef, and you will find subtle differences in China, Taiwan, Hongkong. You will need 10 years of apprenticeship under a master chef, before he will consent to pass on the dead-secret recipe (if he doesn't die first.) If you're a non-chinese, aka Caucasian, aka ang-moh, it will probably take you 20 years, plus you probaly have to marry into the family.
The dish will be served with the roast-red piglet cut into little rectangles like a Naked Lunch checkerboard. DO NOT MAKE A MOVE. Wait for the waiter to place a small rectangle of crisp roasted bacon on your plate. There will also be a plate of egg-roll skins, thin as lace, and probably some slivers of cucumber, and what looks like a platter of dark barbecue sauce.
Slowly, gracefully, use your chopsticks to lift a thin layer of eggroll skins off the common platter, and onto your plate. Do NOT do this by SKEWERING the lot with your chopsticks. You will set Western civilization back by at least a thousand years by this serious breach of etiquette.
Use a spoon to ladle a small amount of sauce onto the egg-roll skin. Use your chop sticks to put the cucumber and the piglet skin onto the egg-roll skin. NOW, put down your chopsticks, and use your FINGERS to gently roll the concotion on your plate into a small cigar. Tilt your head back slightly, and bit into the cigar, letting any sauce flow into your mouth. Try not to let any sauce dribble down the side of your lips.
There will be also a small bowl of clear liquid with a luscious slice of lime at the bottom. After this admirable performance, DO NOT spoil it all by drinking the bowl. It is not a soup. Dip your fingers into it, and dry them on your towel, and enjoy the approving glances of your Chinese hosts.
If there is a unwary Caucasian next to you that you want to show up, when he is not looking, quickly wash your fingers in the bowl, and let HIM drink it.
The seasoning is a dead secret, and it varies from chef to chef, and you will find subtle differences in China, Taiwan, Hongkong. You will need 10 years of apprenticeship under a master chef, before he will consent to pass on the dead-secret recipe (if he doesn't die first.) If you're a non-chinese, aka Caucasian, aka ang-moh, it will probably take you 20 years, plus you probaly have to marry into the family.
The dish will be served with the roast-red piglet cut into little rectangles like a Naked Lunch checkerboard. DO NOT MAKE A MOVE. Wait for the waiter to place a small rectangle of crisp roasted bacon on your plate. There will also be a plate of egg-roll skins, thin as lace, and probably some slivers of cucumber, and what looks like a platter of dark barbecue sauce.
Slowly, gracefully, use your chopsticks to lift a thin layer of eggroll skins off the common platter, and onto your plate. Do NOT do this by SKEWERING the lot with your chopsticks. You will set Western civilization back by at least a thousand years by this serious breach of etiquette.
Use a spoon to ladle a small amount of sauce onto the egg-roll skin. Use your chop sticks to put the cucumber and the piglet skin onto the egg-roll skin. NOW, put down your chopsticks, and use your FINGERS to gently roll the concotion on your plate into a small cigar. Tilt your head back slightly, and bit into the cigar, letting any sauce flow into your mouth. Try not to let any sauce dribble down the side of your lips.
There will be also a small bowl of clear liquid with a luscious slice of lime at the bottom. After this admirable performance, DO NOT spoil it all by drinking the bowl. It is not a soup. Dip your fingers into it, and dry them on your towel, and enjoy the approving glances of your Chinese hosts.
If there is a unwary Caucasian next to you that you want to show up, when he is not looking, quickly wash your fingers in the bowl, and let HIM drink it.
