A Typical Day in May of 2002

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Wake up around 8 am. Can't sleep anymore but no point in getting up so I stay in bed restless until around 10. Finally get up because I have to get to therapy appointment by 11. Let dog out. Get dressed. Try to get stuff together for appointment and for work afterwards. Let dog back in. Put on shoes. Run for bus. Miss bus. That's OK because I forgot something anyways. Walk home. Call clinic to say I'll be late. Pee again. Run for bus. Miss it again. Walk home. Drop keys trying to open door. Drop them again because I'm going to drop them anyways. Drop them several more times. Jab key into my hand. Unable to break skin. Open door. Pound head on door. Pound head on wall. Drop keys before upstairs door. Pound head on door jamb to kitchen. Can't pound hard enough to go unconscious. Slap face. Slap harder. Can't slap hard enough. It doesn't seem to hurt enough. Keep slapping. Can't slap hard enough. Try punching. That doesn't hurt enough either. Weep. Call clinic to tell them I can't come. Lie down till I'm calmer. Dawdle. Repack bag for work only. Run to catch bus. Change spill out as I'm trying to pull together fare. Cuss. Pick up change and throw it out bus window after fare is paid. Sit alone. Bite hand. It hurts but I am unable to break skin. Try again. Only manage to bruise but not break skin. Hate. Get off bus at workplace where I work as model for artist. Sit. Empoyer tries to make insipid small-talk. Tell her I don't want to talk. Sit/hate for three hours. Get on bus to go home. Hear bad news on headphone radio. Loose signal. Pound radio against hand. Cuss. Break radio. No-where to sit. Stand by back door of bus. Slap self as hard as I can. Cry. Get off bus. Go home. Lie down. Nap. Walk dog. Watch TV. Write in journal about how much I hate my life, myself and wonder why my parents didn't take me by the feet and slam my head against a rock as soon as I was born. Sleep.

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