Stars 2/1/00
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2010
Your weekly horoscope for January 2, 2000
TAURUS
Oh Taurus. Taurus, Taurus, Taurus. What are we going to do with you? You're so much more exciting than you should be these days. It's making us bonkers with bizarre Taurus desire. It's as odd as that nerdy e-Bay guy being named Time magazine’s Man of the Year. Now, take the reigns. Slap a little sense into us, without actually slapping us. We'll love it.
GEMINI
Gemini drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke? No way! Yes way. Gemini is letting loose and trying new things. Things that might be good for them. Oh sure, you all are still going to binge on fat inducing things now and again, but you're taking steps to do something good for your bodies. This star pattern hasn't been seen in years, probably the last time you jogged or dieted or didn't eat an entire elk in one sitting. Good for you. Keep it up. We know you can.
CANCER
Last month Cancer was a drama queen. It was the moon's fault, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear. Why not take your bluster into the political arena, and give your friends and family a break. Other than that, stop being so sensitive and stop getting annoyed with astrologers who have the balls to tell you the truth. Come February, you'll be all warm and fuzzy, and we'll be back to praising your butts to the skies.
LEO
This week you'll be around a kid who will do something really cute. And that will infuse you with happiness, and you forget about all you woes for a minute, and forget about the fact that most kids are just a continual energy drain and annoyance. Does the above sound harsh? Sure, but you've been harsh this year.
Time to soften up. You could light matches on your ass right now. Make a resolution to be a tad nicer this year.
VIRGO
Tis the season to be paying off bills. Fa la la la la, la la la la. You've gone bonkers with presents this year. And unless you've stolen them, you've got to do some serious payback. If you've stolen them, there might be payback in the next life -- but that's debatable, and we don't feel like debating it. Saturn says you'll be well taken care of in the New Year. A kept man or woman. Your charm will see to it that even if you can only afford bread and water, it'll be good crusty bread and fine New Zealand wine.
LIBRA
We got an "Envirascape" as a Christmas gift. It's bubbling on our table right now. It's a mini-waterfall thingie. It even came with two bags of rocks to place artistically.
The box boasts great benefits including: 1. Soothing sounds of cascading water create a stress-free ambience. 2. Moisturises the air and releases beneficial negative ions. 3. Masks distractions so you can stay focused. 4. Genuine river rocks included! What a bunch of crap. The sound of our fan drowns out the Envirascape, water splashes out stressing us out, and it's still drier than the Sahara Desert in here. But the rocks look genuine. This week, you too will need to be grateful for small things. Like rocks or chips and dip.
SCORPIO
You don't feel so hot this week Scorp. Even your hair hurts*. But we swear things are going to improve. We'd put money on it, if we had any. *This comment partially stolen from Boober in Fraggle Rock.
SAGITTARIUS
OK, so in the past we've made fun of CNN's law chick Greta Van No Lips. But it's grown tired. She rode to fame on the OJ trial, and she's like a nail fungus. There's no stopping her. Besides, there are two new CNNers who annoy us more. The show should be called the Smug and Greedy Hour. But it's called "In The Money". A puffy man who eats too much and a bleach blonde who doesn’t eat, host it. They sit behind a desk and crow about how good their investments are doing. And us astrologers sit here eating cat food, and burning our futon for heat, hating them. This week you too are full of bile. Try to rise above it Saggy. Don't be like pathetic astrologers – spend more time on h2g2. Even better, watch TV naked with a friend and some snacks.
CAPRICORN
We enjoyed New Year’s Eve. We went out, misbehaved, over-indulged, came home, had a sleep and woke to watch the rest of the world have fun. Best fireworks, Sydney, Paris and London. Prettiest females, Brazil. Biggest men, Pacific Islands. This week Cappy you will have fireworks with someone. Probably not Brazilians or Pacific Islanders though.
AQUARIUS
Last week we sampled a traditional English Christmas Pudding, complete with
brandy butter. It's was cool to watch a dessert set on fire. We wish more foods were set on fire. But wow! It was so sweet, it hurt. And there it was, we found out the cause of the Brits' dentistry problems. This week will be so surprisingly sweet for Aquarius, it will hurt. You'll be overwhelmed by the warm fuzzies you feel for your friends.
PISCES
There we were, sitting in the club, talking about Y2K fears and concerns. And there was the club’s cleaner taking care of the recycling. She was listening so we asked her, "What do you think of Y2K? Scared at all?" She said "No". But wait, she had this to say: "Y2K is just the governments way of testing us." "Huh?” said we. She elaborated, "You know they know all about the aliens and stuff and if we don't freak out over Y2K, they'll - you know, the aliens..." So, the long and short is, she's more nuts than we ever would've guessed. But maybe it's a test! Maybe if we don't freak out over her views, the aliens will come down and give us a pat on the back. This week, don't freak out, Pisces. Everything's going to be hunky-dory for you.
ARIES
This week the harsh winter/summer sun makes you look a tad pasty. This week you'll be forced to do a hard chore, like scrubbing a urinal with an eyelash. And this week you won't feel 100 percent, you'll receive junk e-mail, and be pestered by an unwanted guest. Sure, the above sucks. But you'll have lots of love, and nice duds, and a healthy dose of good friends to ease your burden. So no griping.
TAURUS
Oh Taurus. Taurus, Taurus, Taurus. What are we going to do with you? You're so much more exciting than you should be these days. It's making us bonkers with bizarre Taurus desire. It's as odd as that nerdy e-Bay guy being named Time magazine’s Man of the Year. Now, take the reigns. Slap a little sense into us, without actually slapping us. We'll love it.
GEMINI
Gemini drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke? No way! Yes way. Gemini is letting loose and trying new things. Things that might be good for them. Oh sure, you all are still going to binge on fat inducing things now and again, but you're taking steps to do something good for your bodies. This star pattern hasn't been seen in years, probably the last time you jogged or dieted or didn't eat an entire elk in one sitting. Good for you. Keep it up. We know you can.
CANCER
Last month Cancer was a drama queen. It was the moon's fault, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear. Why not take your bluster into the political arena, and give your friends and family a break. Other than that, stop being so sensitive and stop getting annoyed with astrologers who have the balls to tell you the truth. Come February, you'll be all warm and fuzzy, and we'll be back to praising your butts to the skies.
LEO
This week you'll be around a kid who will do something really cute. And that will infuse you with happiness, and you forget about all you woes for a minute, and forget about the fact that most kids are just a continual energy drain and annoyance. Does the above sound harsh? Sure, but you've been harsh this year.
Time to soften up. You could light matches on your ass right now. Make a resolution to be a tad nicer this year.
VIRGO
Tis the season to be paying off bills. Fa la la la la, la la la la. You've gone bonkers with presents this year. And unless you've stolen them, you've got to do some serious payback. If you've stolen them, there might be payback in the next life -- but that's debatable, and we don't feel like debating it. Saturn says you'll be well taken care of in the New Year. A kept man or woman. Your charm will see to it that even if you can only afford bread and water, it'll be good crusty bread and fine New Zealand wine.
LIBRA
We got an "Envirascape" as a Christmas gift. It's bubbling on our table right now. It's a mini-waterfall thingie. It even came with two bags of rocks to place artistically.
The box boasts great benefits including: 1. Soothing sounds of cascading water create a stress-free ambience. 2. Moisturises the air and releases beneficial negative ions. 3. Masks distractions so you can stay focused. 4. Genuine river rocks included! What a bunch of crap. The sound of our fan drowns out the Envirascape, water splashes out stressing us out, and it's still drier than the Sahara Desert in here. But the rocks look genuine. This week, you too will need to be grateful for small things. Like rocks or chips and dip.
SCORPIO
You don't feel so hot this week Scorp. Even your hair hurts*. But we swear things are going to improve. We'd put money on it, if we had any. *This comment partially stolen from Boober in Fraggle Rock.
SAGITTARIUS
OK, so in the past we've made fun of CNN's law chick Greta Van No Lips. But it's grown tired. She rode to fame on the OJ trial, and she's like a nail fungus. There's no stopping her. Besides, there are two new CNNers who annoy us more. The show should be called the Smug and Greedy Hour. But it's called "In The Money". A puffy man who eats too much and a bleach blonde who doesn’t eat, host it. They sit behind a desk and crow about how good their investments are doing. And us astrologers sit here eating cat food, and burning our futon for heat, hating them. This week you too are full of bile. Try to rise above it Saggy. Don't be like pathetic astrologers – spend more time on h2g2. Even better, watch TV naked with a friend and some snacks.
CAPRICORN
We enjoyed New Year’s Eve. We went out, misbehaved, over-indulged, came home, had a sleep and woke to watch the rest of the world have fun. Best fireworks, Sydney, Paris and London. Prettiest females, Brazil. Biggest men, Pacific Islands. This week Cappy you will have fireworks with someone. Probably not Brazilians or Pacific Islanders though.
AQUARIUS
Last week we sampled a traditional English Christmas Pudding, complete with
brandy butter. It's was cool to watch a dessert set on fire. We wish more foods were set on fire. But wow! It was so sweet, it hurt. And there it was, we found out the cause of the Brits' dentistry problems. This week will be so surprisingly sweet for Aquarius, it will hurt. You'll be overwhelmed by the warm fuzzies you feel for your friends.
PISCES
There we were, sitting in the club, talking about Y2K fears and concerns. And there was the club’s cleaner taking care of the recycling. She was listening so we asked her, "What do you think of Y2K? Scared at all?" She said "No". But wait, she had this to say: "Y2K is just the governments way of testing us." "Huh?” said we. She elaborated, "You know they know all about the aliens and stuff and if we don't freak out over Y2K, they'll - you know, the aliens..." So, the long and short is, she's more nuts than we ever would've guessed. But maybe it's a test! Maybe if we don't freak out over her views, the aliens will come down and give us a pat on the back. This week, don't freak out, Pisces. Everything's going to be hunky-dory for you.
ARIES
This week the harsh winter/summer sun makes you look a tad pasty. This week you'll be forced to do a hard chore, like scrubbing a urinal with an eyelash. And this week you won't feel 100 percent, you'll receive junk e-mail, and be pestered by an unwanted guest. Sure, the above sucks. But you'll have lots of love, and nice duds, and a healthy dose of good friends to ease your burden. So no griping.
