Stars 26-12-99
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2010
Your weekly horoscope for December 26, 1999
TAURUS
We are so tired of all the willennium hype. Makes us just want to stay home and eat fondue. But then we get so annoyed by party pooping people reminding us that this
New Year isn't really the willennium. Makes us want to party so hard we stick a drink umbrella in every orifice. Taurus is keeping a level head about the willenni... whatever it is. Beware though of being bullied into New Year's plans. You, yes, you can be bullied. And you don't want to find yourselves with a bunch of nerdy
astrologers sticking umbrellas in strange places.
GEMINI
You've been in a nasty mood Gemini. We don't have to tell you that. But we
did. So there. Everyone still loves you, even though you're a major drag. You're the sign most likely to remind people that this New Year isn't really the
willennium. But do you really want to lecture your peeps as the ball drops?
Don't you just want to shake your thang? Sure you do. Everyone does. Think back on all your accomplishments this year. Reflect on them, but don't yap about them because you have had more than your friends.
CANCER
The Lunar perigee! Last week the moon was the closest it has been to the earth since 1866! This kind stuff turns an astrologer on! But what does it do to a Cancer? Makes you all nutty. Your emotions are running wild. The temptation will be there to tell people off at inappropriate times. You'll want to eat and drink everything in sight. The moon will make you want to moon your boss right next to the chopped liver swan at the holiday party. If they're isn't a party, you might even want to drag a chopped liver swan around with you, and tell random people off. That'd be fun, but not productive. Take your wild emotions, and use them for good. Tell people you love them. They've been waiting. It's easier than ever this week.
LEO
This is the week to apologise to all your friends about your behaviour at the Christmas parties last week. We love parties but there's only one thing we fear. The guest who makes it their job to inhale all of the flossy food. You know this person. They see salmon and their eyes roll up into their heads. They station themselves by the shrimp platter, and reduce it to tails in two seconds flat. They have internal radar for pricey cheese. Your cheddar remains unscathed, but your St. Andre disappears rind and all. You know this person, because this person is you. The funny thing is that your social skills are so jammy, it makes it impossible for us to dislike you or not crave your presence at our parties.
VIRGO
LIBRA
SCORPIO
You feel all nostalgic this week, Scorpio. You long for the Atari 2600, the movie Flash Gordon, and Celine Dion's Titanic song on the radio. You're living in the past, because the present isn't that good. Sadness oozes out of you like something that is oozing. Aw, sweetie lambie pies. It's all going to get better. Just see Virgo. Or see
a Virgo. Love is coming your way in the New Year. Then it'll be time for Leo to be lonely. But don't tell them that -- it'll only depress 'em.
SAGITTARIUS
Time for Saggy to buy some sharp threads. Super shiny jackets. Sweaters
with metallic threads. Purple Donnyesque socks. Your personality has been bland-o-la. But now it's not. People don't know that yet. Time to attract attention. Then people will flock to you like a moth to a sequinned jacket. Chances for nookie in the New Year on a scale of 1 to 10: 11!
CAPRICORN
Capricorn. This is a time of rebirth for you all. You've got a plan. A good plan. But one that needs a tad of tweaking. Bring someone in on your dream. When you're successful, relish it. But don't forget physical concerns. Saturn says your haven't had a tweaking in a while. It's out there if you want it. It's up to you. Work it.
AQUARIUS
You've been pushy. Moon in Aries, plus the moon's proximity to the earth
means...whoa Nelly! This means you'll really annoy hoards of people. The good news is that someone's going to find your arrogance super sexy. Just be careful that they don't get to know the real you. Once the moon's phase changes, they could find out that you're really sweet, loving, and humanitarian. Stay rude, if you can.
PISCES
Wow, your friends are suffering. It's a downer, isn't it? Having to wear absorbent sweaters to soak up their tears of woe. It's miserable being around the miserable, isn’t it? It sure puts your life into perspective. Makes you glad for what you have. And you have a lot. Work, career, smarts. Now all you need is nookie. Nookie is coming your way! But look out! Even though it would be easy as pie, don't accept nookie from a friend who has come to cry on your shoulder. You'll regret it big time.
ARIES
. We know of an astrologer who, when times were bad, worked at psychic phone lines. She found that people didn't want to hear the truth, they just wanted to hear about their current crush. They couldn’t give a hoot if a tornado was about to sweep their pathetic little house away. Which it often did, often while they were nattering on about their obsession. Aries rarely called her. It's not because they're cheapos; it's because they are cocky about getting what they want. This week, Aries is less cocky. People will dig your softer side. Lucky you!
TAURUS
We are so tired of all the willennium hype. Makes us just want to stay home and eat fondue. But then we get so annoyed by party pooping people reminding us that this
New Year isn't really the willennium. Makes us want to party so hard we stick a drink umbrella in every orifice. Taurus is keeping a level head about the willenni... whatever it is. Beware though of being bullied into New Year's plans. You, yes, you can be bullied. And you don't want to find yourselves with a bunch of nerdy
astrologers sticking umbrellas in strange places.
GEMINI
You've been in a nasty mood Gemini. We don't have to tell you that. But we
did. So there. Everyone still loves you, even though you're a major drag. You're the sign most likely to remind people that this New Year isn't really the
willennium. But do you really want to lecture your peeps as the ball drops?
Don't you just want to shake your thang? Sure you do. Everyone does. Think back on all your accomplishments this year. Reflect on them, but don't yap about them because you have had more than your friends.
CANCER
The Lunar perigee! Last week the moon was the closest it has been to the earth since 1866! This kind stuff turns an astrologer on! But what does it do to a Cancer? Makes you all nutty. Your emotions are running wild. The temptation will be there to tell people off at inappropriate times. You'll want to eat and drink everything in sight. The moon will make you want to moon your boss right next to the chopped liver swan at the holiday party. If they're isn't a party, you might even want to drag a chopped liver swan around with you, and tell random people off. That'd be fun, but not productive. Take your wild emotions, and use them for good. Tell people you love them. They've been waiting. It's easier than ever this week.
LEO
This is the week to apologise to all your friends about your behaviour at the Christmas parties last week. We love parties but there's only one thing we fear. The guest who makes it their job to inhale all of the flossy food. You know this person. They see salmon and their eyes roll up into their heads. They station themselves by the shrimp platter, and reduce it to tails in two seconds flat. They have internal radar for pricey cheese. Your cheddar remains unscathed, but your St. Andre disappears rind and all. You know this person, because this person is you. The funny thing is that your social skills are so jammy, it makes it impossible for us to dislike you or not crave your presence at our parties.
VIRGO
Check out this reader mail, puppies! "Your astrology charts are really amusing and -- ahem -- almost accurate. I was wondering if you could do something love-oriented for us Virgos. I, um, I mean We, need to know what the heck is going on with the l'amour sitch. Thanks & keep the rad readings coming!!!!!"
Well Virgo, your love sitch has been pretty pathetic. That's why we haven't mentioned it. Scorpio too. We're thrilled to report that you and Scorp will be happily hooked up in the New Year. Perhaps with each other. Perhaps not.
LIBRA
Special horoscope! And we don't mean special as in retarded! We've looked ahead, and pushed ourselves to the limits of astrology technology to give you...
The Super Whammy Month by Month Libra horoscope!
January: Sucks
February: Neat, except you'll get a nasty cold.
March: Not much going on.
April: Money! Sex! A delusional sense of power!
May: Oh Yeah! You'll get down with a Virgo.
June, July: This season isn’t your season.
August: Chilly evening brings love.
September, October, November, December: You're in love and abandon all your friends, opting for mega-scruntchies from your sweet baboo instead.
SCORPIO
You feel all nostalgic this week, Scorpio. You long for the Atari 2600, the movie Flash Gordon, and Celine Dion's Titanic song on the radio. You're living in the past, because the present isn't that good. Sadness oozes out of you like something that is oozing. Aw, sweetie lambie pies. It's all going to get better. Just see Virgo. Or see
a Virgo. Love is coming your way in the New Year. Then it'll be time for Leo to be lonely. But don't tell them that -- it'll only depress 'em.
SAGITTARIUS
Time for Saggy to buy some sharp threads. Super shiny jackets. Sweaters
with metallic threads. Purple Donnyesque socks. Your personality has been bland-o-la. But now it's not. People don't know that yet. Time to attract attention. Then people will flock to you like a moth to a sequinned jacket. Chances for nookie in the New Year on a scale of 1 to 10: 11!
CAPRICORN
Capricorn. This is a time of rebirth for you all. You've got a plan. A good plan. But one that needs a tad of tweaking. Bring someone in on your dream. When you're successful, relish it. But don't forget physical concerns. Saturn says your haven't had a tweaking in a while. It's out there if you want it. It's up to you. Work it.
AQUARIUS
You've been pushy. Moon in Aries, plus the moon's proximity to the earth
means...whoa Nelly! This means you'll really annoy hoards of people. The good news is that someone's going to find your arrogance super sexy. Just be careful that they don't get to know the real you. Once the moon's phase changes, they could find out that you're really sweet, loving, and humanitarian. Stay rude, if you can.
PISCES
Wow, your friends are suffering. It's a downer, isn't it? Having to wear absorbent sweaters to soak up their tears of woe. It's miserable being around the miserable, isn’t it? It sure puts your life into perspective. Makes you glad for what you have. And you have a lot. Work, career, smarts. Now all you need is nookie. Nookie is coming your way! But look out! Even though it would be easy as pie, don't accept nookie from a friend who has come to cry on your shoulder. You'll regret it big time.
ARIES
. We know of an astrologer who, when times were bad, worked at psychic phone lines. She found that people didn't want to hear the truth, they just wanted to hear about their current crush. They couldn’t give a hoot if a tornado was about to sweep their pathetic little house away. Which it often did, often while they were nattering on about their obsession. Aries rarely called her. It's not because they're cheapos; it's because they are cocky about getting what they want. This week, Aries is less cocky. People will dig your softer side. Lucky you!
