1250 EV arrives to find that Zagreb and Nizzy have already bagged a table.

1300 Discussion of Nizzy's facial hair.

1315 Swiv arrives.

1320 More people arrive: fords, Croz and Ku'Reshtin. Argument breaks out over exact timing of log.

1322 Zagreb finds Dennis Wheatley book and reads from it.

1325 EV begins experiment to establish whether or not drinking beer through a straw really does get you drunk quicker.

1331 fords asks for a wedgie.

1338 The DD & FC Arrival Time Game begins - a pint of vodka is offered to the winner.

1339 Wildman arrives.

1350 Jamie arrives.

1352 fords searches book shelves for dirty books.

1355 Wumbeevil arrives. Tone immediately lowered.

1403 Jamie insults everyone.

1433 Discussion breaks out common sense, itchy noses and power drills.

1435 Wumbie takes photo of random person's girlfriend and kids; gets glared at by middle aged woman.

1448 EV offers to show fords some puppies.

1449 Ku' proceeds to talk about kittens.

1450 Croz stays quiet about the rabbit.

1450 First stains appear on log. Croz holds up hands in innocence.

1451 Croz is dazed and confused; puts it down to lack of sleep.

1455 Croz first referred to as Johnny Foreigner.

1456 Croz henceforth referred to as Token.

1457 Discussion of fords' sexual preferences ensues.

1459 Ku' wins the Finish Your Drink With A Straw competition, beating fords' "IPA with two straws" effort with his double vodka & Red Bull.

1510 After yet another token foreigner joke, Croz considers sulking in fireplace.

1521 fords goes to the toilet. Again.

1525 The story of what happened at fords' first meet is told. Again.

1530 Ku' tries to push a car uphill. EV calls the Incredible Hulk a "basturt" because he didn't stop to help out.

1532 Ku' demands sambuca. So does fords.

1540 fords, Ku', EV, Croz and Wumbie depart for radio station.

1621 Mort notes that her arrival has not been noted in log.

1625 Everyone agrees that Mort looks fantastic. Everyone also agrees (under duress) that Zagreb looks young for his age.

1626 Wildman gets his own age wrong.

1640 Wildman receives a round of applause for carrying six glasses of drink from the bar at once.

1643 Wildman spills beer over himself.

1715 Mort and Zagreb compare scars. Mizzy boasts of professional achievements.

1717 Nizzy and Swiv scrap over handwriting.

1800 Posse arrive at Megabowl.

1815 fords, Ku', EV, Croz and Wumbie arrive, bringing with them tales of urine.

1817 First lanes available at 10 pm. We play pool instead.

1845 Wildman continues to sup beer with froth on moustache. Mort and Wildman discuss the pro's and cons of being a sub-editor.

1850 Log entry illegible, but appears to contain the word "perverts".

1906 Message from FC: she and DD will be at the meet around 8 pm.

1935 Tattoos discussed.

1940 fords, Croz and Swiv play enormous Jenga. EV is official event photographer.

1945 Others discuss how much they have to pay Wumbie to knock over the Jenga. Wildman offers £5 for a head first sliding tackle. Wumbie obliges for the fun of it and accepts no cash.

1947 EV, having agreed to snog the winner of Jenga, is forced into compromising position with Wumbie.

1955 Onwards to pub in three taxis.

2017 fords gets her leg over.

2020 Zagreb seen drinking half pint of Guinness. Mort declares the entire SRG mad - again.

2025 EV validates Mort's opinion - "It's a fair cop."

2030 SRG toasts PUDDING.

2037 EV does Churchill¹ impression. Ho yus!

2040 fords blames Swiv for the Red Wine Incident.²

2052 After agreeing to go to Butlins with EV, fords admits she's "easy". EV remembers that in fact he agreed to go with her, but keeps quiet.

2056 DD & FC arrive! Nizzy wins.

2105 fords to Ku': "Crack the cup and then suck."³

2106 fords has a longer tongue than Gene Simmons - ho yus!

2121 Zagreb exposes himself and puts everyone off their pint.

2139 EV announces that he is pregnant, and that he and fords plan to call the baby Wumbie.

2140 Introduction of tequilla slammers.

2150 Jamie eats apple core and swallows.

2157 fords goes to toilet (again) and is intercepted by cuddles from Zagreb and Mort; takes DD to task.

2205 EV announces result of experiment: drinking beer through straw gives you hiccups.

2230 Joke is told concerning Dwight Yorke and Jordan. DD says something about Hans Blix, but FC does not want to probe too deeply.

2232 FC's x's declared "really funny looking".

2239 DD & FC depart, offering feeble excuses about a long day in two countries.

2240 EV and fords try to squash Swiv in snuggly photo. Zagreb seeks to get in on the act.

2245 fords informs Wumbie that "people in Edinburgh get their butlers to do things."

2255 Mort decides she has the neatest handwriting in the log.

2257 Swiv disuptes this claim. "Ho yus" declared Official Catchphrase Of The Meet.

2310 Ku' tries to inhale jelly shot - fails miserably.

2314 Jamie tries to tell a story...

2316 Handwriting disintegrates.

2320 fords and Mort exchange fashion tips.

2325 EV is mobbed by the remaining three ladies at the meet.⁴

2335 Wildman leaves the group to fend for themselves.

2340 Wumbie announces: "So you finally discovered that EV and I are lovers..."⁵

2342 Zagreb appears to be surgically attached to Mort.

2345 Wumbie repeatedly yells "Do it" at Ku' - nobody is sure why.

2350 Wumbie decides to leave.

2351 Croz wonders how many he will have to carry home.

2352 Wumbie returns, having failed to leave. "Jamie's gonna fall... Jamie's gonna fall..."

2355 Mort crawls around on all fours under tables.

0000 Ku' escorts Jamie to bar with shopping list.

0003 Mass practising of Cornish accent. Swiv is the best.

0006 Swiv admits to Wurzels fantasies.

0011 Wumbie NO!!! Bad Wumbie! Bad Wumbie!

0026 fords joins Mort and Zagreb in sunggles.

0029 Jamie on floor!

0031 Jamie returned safely to corner. Jamie love table.

0035 Jamie tries to steal Ku's Smirnoff Ice.

0046 Meet disintegrates. Jamie admits he's "not at his best."

0100 Jamie is helped through streets of Edinburgh by Wumbie, who is only marginally more capable. They are bundled into a taxi.

0110 Croz, fords, Swiv, Ku' and EV spend the next hour attempting to flag down another taxi, but word has obviously spread. Ku' lends his coat to fords and stands around in t-shirt in sub-zero temperatures, feeling nowt. EV and Swiv huddle together "for warmth."

0230 All back to fords' place. Alcohol induced coma.