The Human League song best sums it up as 'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you' - in my case, the bar was on a cruise ship and the person I met was a restaurant owner in Lima.

I was out for the day to do a spot of sightseeing and got lost. Now, everyone knows you do not go pulling maps out willy nilly in the streets of a South American country as you might as well have the big hand from the National Lottery pointing at you from the sky saying 'Lost Tourist!'. I was on my way to the Museum of the Spanish Inquisition. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition you might say - and you'd be dead right, cos I couldn't find the bleeding place. I spotted a restaurant and went in to ask directions.

LAS TRES MONEDAS is a very pretty upmarket place in a colonial style building which the South Americans do so well. Very charming indeed. I met Paulo, the owner and we shared a glass or two of wine. He gave me directions but thought I was bonkers for wanting to go, so invited me back for lunch to compensate for my apparent mental illness. I was spoon fed Monty Python as a kid so I HAD TO GO to this blasted Museum. It was my cultural heritage and my right. Although I'm not Spanish, or Catholic - it was purely the image of Michael Palin and John Cleese in their red satin robes.

Orf I trotted to the museum and entered through a public library which used to be the Tribunal Rooms. Don't miss the intricate mahogany ceiling - I'm sure the poor souls being beaten into submission didn't either. Next, it was down to the dungeons which contain bad fairground models displaying torturous scenes. The only thing that was torturous was having to go round this excruciatingly lame museum. I had come to see gore and pain and all I got was a rough old boot of a pretend Madame Tussauds. I must confess (though not under duress) that it was dull.

So, lunch it was. All your favourites like raw cold fish and squid tentacles washed down with a few Pisco Sours. Paulo offered to take me to see his Mum. The car pulled up at the cemetery. Well, how was I supposed to know she was dead?

As he drove me back to the ship he asked for a memento of our day together - as I hadn't taken much out with me, I gave him my very fake Tag Heuer watch. Then he proposed to me and then he asked me to become his partner in the restaurant. Not bad for a cocktail waitress who got lost in Lima.

I got back to the crew mess and whilst listening to my fellow crew members' conversation, it occurred to me that I was the only one who had willingly given away their watch. Yes, Lovely Lima street crime is alive and well.