Murder
Created | Updated Jul 27, 2006
Murder was started by one Richard Wilden as a who done it type of Lord Mike story. It's Contributors are, Me, Richard Wilden, Mike Zigrosi. It's an exciting and quite possibly interestingly character building story, odd for a Lord Mike Saga, none the less, it proves to be a classic in a way that, well, classics are.... And now I bring you MURDER! With Richard's help... Psst, I don't own Murder or Lord Mike.. Should've mentioned that before, but I didn't so nyah.
***
INTERIOR. MILLS-APPARTMENTS, ROOM 13 13 for M. M.
Lord Mike: Change the channel Lance!
Sir Lance: I can't but do regale me with more witting and amusing anecdotes from your wonder adventures while I close my eyes.
Lord Mike: Lance you won't be sleeping on my watch!
Sir Lance: I'm not, I'm leaning against the Cuckoo clock.
DADOOM TISH!
Lord Mike: What was that?
Sir Lance: Nibbles practising with his new drum kit I think?
Lord Mike: You think?
Sir Lance: Well my brain does that, I just stand here and fill in the space.
Lord Mike: I see? Wait a moment, why can't you change the chammel?
Sir Lance:...
Lord Mike: What was the Morse code in aid of?
Sir Lance: You said wait a moment, so I did. I can't change the channel because their's only one.
Lord Mike: Funny that, this TV says there are over two hundred.
Sir Lance: Two hundred what?
Lord Mike: Not really it's run on solar power.
DADOOM TISH!
Lord Mike: I wish that Nibbles would practise his drum practise elsewhere?
Sir Lance: Practise? I thought you just randomly banged it about?
Lord Mike: It's not like your head Lance, the drum is a complicated mechanism that creates unique musical sounds when a hand is tapped across its smooth surface to create...
DADOOM TISH!
Lord Mike: Precisely, Wait a moment!
Brain: Lance it's a figure of speech.
Sir Lance: One.
Brain: No, it's an exclamation
Sir Lance: Escam..? Exclomamam?
Brain: It means with great shock, oh no no he's looking at us. Say something before he gets worried.
Sir Lance: Quack!
Lord Mike: Are you all right Lance?
Sir Lance: Fine, perfectly fine. Was that convincing or what?
Brain: Bravo! Aside from the quack we've got away with it!
Lord Mike: Lance? LANCE!
Sir Lance: Yes, YES!
Brain: Don't start repeating his speech, why do I bother? I might as well cut off his mind altogether.
Sir Lance: Quack! I mean yes, Quack!
Lord Mike: Lance, do you realise that so far we've been talking about Nibbles and morse code when there's murder afoot!
Sir Lance: I always thought that it was strange thing on the end of the.... the....
Lord Mike: Why the morse code?
Sir Lance: I'm trying to give dramatic pauses, also it looks good.
Lord Mike: Point taken.
Sir Lance: Ow! I wondered why I was holding that sharp thing in my... thingies?
Lord Mike: Hands.
Sir Lance: No, I'm Lance, Hans is someone I don't know, possibly Austrian.
Lord Mike: Lance, we're wasting valuable time. We should be at Lord Forgetmenot's dinner party together with all other loyal suspects: General Steven Ford, Lady Marian and strangely enough Tempus, Lord Ike and Stefan Fjord.
Sir Lance: Lord Who?
Lord Mike: No, Lance that's my great uncle. Now stop cutting into the prize jokes and quick- to the Dinner party!
Sir Lance: Sorry to but in but I never explained the channel pun.
Lord Mike: That's true, be quick about it.
Sir Lance: I can't change the channel because there's only one. The English channel.
BADOOM TISH!
****
[Ext The outside of the Forgetmenot manor]
Lord Mike staggers out and Lance hops out.
Lord Mike: Never do that again!
Lance: Do what?
Lord Mike: Never tell that joke again.
Lance: What joke?
Lord Mike: The Channel joke! Oh and you've lost radio privelages in the Millsmobile for a stern but fair while!
Lance: I thought it was funny?
Lord Mike: THe first time, yes, but three hours of trying to get the radio off the grunge music station with your bantering about it being the English Channel wears even a hero a bit thin!
Lance: (looks down dejectedly) I'm sorry.
Lord Mike: Quite, well, let's get in there!
***
[Int. the Forgetmenot ballroom]
Tempus, Steven, Lady Marian, Lord Ike, Stefan Fjord and Lord Forgetmenot are standing about like pickles in a jar except with less green liquidness and less spice.
Steven: THe noose in the conservatory!
Lord Forgetmenot: Err, how'd you do that?
Steven: I have this thing with Clue!
Lord Forgetmenot: (nodding) Quite!
Lord Mike: So what's happened?
Lady Marian: Well, Steven has just won his thirty sixth game of Clue! I really think he needs a new hobby.
Steven: No way, have you ever seen those things; they're huge!
Lady Marian: What are you talking about?!
Steven: Gnus! I refuse to have a gnu associated hobby!
Mike hits Steven.
Lord Mike: Other than that!
Lord Forgetmenot: Err, some one was killed, to be more specific, a friend of mine, Emilia Beatrice Hoastess!
Lord Mike: Tempus, it's bad enough that you try to take over the Boards' castle every other day, but if you start killing....
Tempus: You obvious twit, I didn't do it!
Lord Mike: Oh, well, that's a bit flummoxing!
LAdy MArian: Quite!
Lance: (who really didn't have anything pertinent to say he just didn't wish to be overlooked) Maybe if we look at this thingy coming out of the victim's back we could find out what really happened. (He pulls out the knife from the victim's back) Yep, it's a sharpy thing!
Lord Mike: (snatching the knife from Lance) You're contaminating evidence! (looking at the knife) It's definitely a knife!
Tempus: (totally annoyed by now) Give me that you bumbling prattlers. (grabs the knife and pulls a box from his trench coat) THis is an analyzer.
Tempus drops the knife into the box. A piece of paper is spat out.
Lord Mike: (raising eyebrow with enigmatic incredulity) Well...
Tempus: (angrily rips the paper from the box) IT says. (sighs angrily) It says, "This is a knife.".
Steven: Hey, that's my magic box!
Tempus: It was you who infected my analyzer with your comic stupidity!
Tempus lunges for Steven, but the other guests restrain him.
Lord Mike: Stop, if we fight like animals; we die like cucumbers!
Lady Marian: (shaking her head) Not even Sylvester McCoy would've approved that misquote!
Lord Mike: I misquoted?
Lady MArian: Well, some one killed Miss Hoastess, and all we know is that it was none of us!
Steven: Well put, Poirot!
Lady Marian: Thank you, Hastings? Now Miss Lemon...
Lance: Yes.
Lady Marian: Miss Lemon, go check the files for any possible enemies of Miss Hoastess!
Lance: OF course. (leaning in to whisper) May put on a nice little, yellow, chiffon number?
Lady MArian: If you wish!
Lance runs off to change.
Lady Marian: Police Investigator Jap, come with me to check if there is indeed anyone else here.
Lord Mike: Okey-doke. Hey, just a second, when did you take over this adventure?
Lady Marian: Err, since the knife gag.
Lord Mike: Ok, I was just checking.
Steven: What about me?
LAdy Marian: You stick around here and make sure that Tempus doesn't make mischief!
Steven: Oh boy, I get to be the muscle man!!!!
Lady MArian and Lord Mike ascend the stairs to invstigate the other rooms!
Lord Mike: Should we be alone?
Lady Marian slaps him.
***
[Int. ballroom]
Stefan Fjord: Being forgotten are we!
Lord Ike: Aye, we arrrre!
Stefan Fjord: Murder did we commit?
Lord Ike: I 'ave narrry a' ideerrr. I donna 'member killin' anya-one. 'Ave you noticed yer talkin' like tha' Yoga guy?
Stefan Fjord: No, I am not knowing about Yoga, but I be knowing about yogurt. I be liking strawberry quitely!
****
Int. Upstairs
(Lord Mike and Lady Marian or Lady Marian and Lord Mike, whichever way you prefer)
Kennth Williams: Oh Matron!
(Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying, our two intrepid heroes of intrepidness are invesitigating the upstairs rooms. They enter a new room)
Lord Mike: We appear to be in the wine cellar
Lady Marian: At the top of the house?
Lord Mike: I would make sense, after all the attic's at the bottom.
(He pulls a bottle from the rack)
Lord Mike: Ah, Ratoe fifty-nine a fine vintage
Lady Marian: Hang on, did you just say Ratoe fifty-nine?!
(She snatches the bottle from his Lordship)
Lord Mike: Ee gads, you're right! There's only one enemy of ours that drink Ratoe fifty-nine!
Lance: The devious Mister Thompson?
(They look quizzicaly at Lance in his new dress)
Lady Marian: He's right you know
Lord Mike: I know but don't encourage him. Besides, I'd already figured it out
(They look at him disbelievingly)
Lord Mike (adiment): I did! The spacial disturbances were the first clue and that bloody great time-travelling taxi in the corner was the second!
Announcer: We apologise to anyone who has not read Albino Royale or Children of the Resolution, but we're going to continue anyway
Lance: But if Thompson's around doesn't that mean that the lovely Miss Paris DeTotty is about as well
Lady Marian: Who?
Lord Mike (In a particularly William Hartnell-esque manner): Before your time my dear (His eyes widen as he remembers a forgotten plotline) But at the end of Children of the Resolution wasn't it revealed that theywere Steven's parents?
Lance: So they could be after Steven!
(Lady Marian looks worried as something resembling a plot begins to form)
***
Suddenly! There was a distant police siren as the Keystone Cops come into play, and if you thought they were good at running, you should see them playing soccer!
But enough of this, back to the story.
Man: I only asked if I could cut it in half?
Enter Lord Mike and Marian into the Kitchen.
Lady Marian: Why are we in here?
Lord Mike: Because I have a nose for these things and something smell fishy!
Lady Marian: Must be this Kipper on the stove.
Lord Mike: A kipper on the stove- Brilliant, brilliant the hostess came in here and ate the kipper and fell backwards onto a knife! There, I've solved the mystery at last.
Lady Marian: No you haven't, the kipper hasn't been touched.
Lord Mike: I should think not, now to dust for fingerprints, I'll just reach in to this pot of clear bubbling liquid and extrude the offending implament.
Lady Marian: You what? Quick, talk sense or the audience will turn over Dallas!
Lord Mike: Oh, my word! Competing with the big boys now! Yes I shall pull a kipper from a pot!
He reaches in and burns himself.
Lord Mike: It burns, it burns!
Lady Marian: What do you expect? It's boiling water.
Lord Mike: I thought it was just a cheap effect, we haven't got a budget to supply boiling water. This was my favourite hand, my rod hand.
Lady Marian: I beg your pardon? There are children watching, they shouldn't be because they won't go to be before the graphic violence overly done sex starts!
(Lord Mike looks all glaze-eyed, his mouth hanging open. Lady Marian grabs something and hits some sense in to him.)
Lord Mike: Ow! That hurt, whatever it was, it hurt me a lot!
Lady Marian: It was only a... a...
Lord Mike: This is ridiculous, now you're doing Morse code! We'll lose half the viewers now to the A-team!
Lady Marian: No you dunderhead, it was a cheesy banana!
Lord Mike: Let me get this right or left or straight on over the bridge, turn left at the traffic lights and straight on:
Lady Marian: As long as you stop using that gag, this story is wearing a bit thin.
Lord Mike: Yes but I shall rectify that by revealing the identity of the murderer! A kipper in a pot, the pot is actually boiling and therefore ludicrous and a cheesy banana present it can only be- Silly David from the boards!
(Lady Marian claps mockingly)
Lady Marian: Bravo, except that it can't be him because where's the standard dead Walrus, the nude (Insert a name here) O-gram and a kipper!
(Lord Mike reaches into the pot, forgetting the water and burns his other hand but doesn't and holds the kipper aloft!)
Lady Marian: You hand isn't burnt?
Lord Mike: Oh yes but it doesn't have reek with fish!
Lady Marian: That's the kipper you're holding Sherlock!
Sherlock: Elementary my dear Marian, it is a vital clue to solving this mystery, now if you two will excuse us, we have to go see a man about a dog.
(He waves his deerstalker at her and leaves, smoking his pipe)
Lord Mike: Amateur! Ugh, that fish reeks of cheese, a cheesy kipper, that's a novelty!
Lady Marian: But this is silly, water that one minute is hot and the next it's harmless, it's still bubbling, Sherlock Holmes happens to be standing in the room with us, it's all silly!
Lord Mike: Exactly! That was his mistake, it's too silly, we shall capture this maniac before he strikes... again!
Lady Marian: Nice dramatic pause you did there.
Lord Mike: Pause? I was trying morse code for help, I'm truly terrified.
Man: I only gave her one, she said she liked it a lot!
Lord Mike: Incredible that, I'm hearing voices!
Lady Marian: You always are Lord Mike.
(Suddenly a figure lurches into the light, clutching at two sharp objects!)
Man: I only gave her one!
Lady Marian: Ahem? This is supposed to be a family show. No violence and hot sex yet.
(Again Lord Mike looks all glazed over)
Lady Marian: I said not yet. This could be our murderer here.
Lord Mike: You're right, come into the light so that we can see you whose mask you have stood behind during this turbulent expanse and what insane charade you masquerade behind.
Lady Marian: The viewers!
CUT TO:
'In the nineteen seventies, a group of highly specialised military commanders were accused of a crime they did not commit, to this day they have escaped and now roam the world, if you have a problem, if there's a force you can reach, call the A-team'
Lord Mike VO: What's going on?
Lady Marian VO: They've turned over to the A-team, quick simplify your statement!
Lord Mike VO: Who are you and why kill them?
CUT TO: The Kitchen as the moaning, eerie man steps into the light.
Lady Marian: It's Lindsay!
Lindsay: It is me, so very, very quiet!
Lord Mike: All right, I'll turn the radio on.
Lindsay: Wait! I am the one who gave her one, she said that she liked it very much and wanted another and another and another and...
Lady Marian: All right, all right we get the picture.
Lord Mike: We certainly do, keep them coming James!
Lady Marian: Lord Mike, look what he's holding in his hand.
Lord Mike: I'd rather not, I'm not that way inclined!
Lady Marian: But he's got two of them!
Lord Mike: He's what?
(Lord Mike finally stares in disbelief at the quivering cheese covered bananas tipped in cheese ansd red sauce!)
Lord Mike: Blimey! A strawberry flavoured cheesy-banana- eh Lindsay?
Lady Marian: No you clucking imbecile, he killed the hostess!
Lindsay: No I didn't, I found her in the cellar with one in her back, look at the shape of it, it's bent all out of shape!
Lord Mike: I beg your pardon?
Lady Marian: He's talking about the banana, which means that the knife was a false weapon, she was murdered with a cheesy banana!
Lord Mike: I still say it was Silly David!
(Then there comes the doorbell ringing loudly.)
Lord Mike: Oh no, what now?
Lindsay: That was the doorbell ringing.
Lord Mike: You seem to know a lot about it?
Lindsay: I should do, I have one on my house, it means someone's at the door!
Lord Mike: Ah, trying to make your escape, Marian watch him.
Lady Marian: Do I have to?
Lord Mike: I know it's not pretty but it has to be done, now I wonder if that's the pizza I ordered?
(He walks out)
Lindsay: Lady Marian, you are beautiful, would you mind if I gave you one?
Lady MariaN: Ooh James you are a bit easy there, on the floor, the work surface?
Lindsay: No, in your hand. I can't stand the feel of these bananas anymore, I'm going to get something from the frodge, probably some stuffed walrus?
***
Int. Ballroom
Steven and Lord Forgetmenot are tied to two chairs.
Steven: Tempus, are you sure we should be playing games while there is a murderer running about!
Tempus: (connivingly) But the murderer isn't here is he? (quickly) Or she!
Lord Ike: Aye, and plarrrs we donna wan' ya aroun' when we go to defea' ourrrrr nemiseesesss!
Stefan Fjord: (sharpening a machete) Close being are you to the 'V' of yours, yes?
Steven: Why are talking like Yoda?
Stefan: It's being not my fault. It's being the author's fault, yes!
Steven: Oh.
Lord Forgetmenot: Holy galloping ferrets! These guys aren't Judge McCaffrey, Fredrique von Schnuttel and Parsley Vega! They're all dastardly dastards!!!!
Stefan: That's being right Lord Forgetfulness! We are being the dastardly dastards that you be speaking of, yes!
Tempus: I wondered why I got that invitation.
Lord Ike: Aye, an' we arrrre takin' overrrr this little parrrrteeeee!
Tempus: Do shut-up that accent's bugging me! Steven, you'll give me the secret codes to start the Millsmobile, or you'll meet a most unsatisfactory end!
Steven: Please, no more Jar-Jar!
Lord Forgetmenot: You won't get away with this! Lord Mike is here in the manor!! What are you doing with that machete!
Stefan: I am being making a letter transplant, yes!
Steven: Nooooooo!!!!!!
Stefan removes the letters from his victims and replaces them into his own name.
Stefen Fojrd: No, not again. I'm impronounceable again!
Lord Orgfetmant: Well, this is an odd experience.
Steven Foord: Ha-ha, now to be going to finish the others off, yes!
Lord Ike: Aye, Ee'll be getting oor otta conspirators!
Stefen Fojrd: Who!
Steven Foord: It be being Lady Marion and Llance Boyoholis! Hwahahahahah!!!!
The villains leave.
Lord Orgfetmant: We have to warn them!
Stefen Fojrd: I'm distraught right now!
***
As Lord Mike descends the long winding stairs over and over again, primarily there's only three steps but he has a lot to pad out but finally after five minutes of step aerobic he crosses over to the vast door.
Lord Mike: Ah pizza at last!
Suddenly the door crashes open and in strides the officer, tall, broad, powerful with a squinting eye!
Officer: I am Inspektor Blast and I haff heard of murder? Of screams during the night. Who are you? No remain silent, constable!
(A timid-dim witted costable hurries through and salutes him.)
Constable: Yes sir, here sir, what do you want sir?
Inspector: We have found our prime suspect, this man acting very strangely was creeping towards the door and for what reason?
Lord Mike: Well I was actually...
Inspector: You were 's'? Don't treat me like a fool, I know moresecode and if you're going to lie to me, you might well do it proberly!
Lord Mike: No that was a dramatic pause. I didn't know the police had been called?
Inspector: No police? Did you hear that constable? Condemned out of his own mouth!
Lord Mike: Um... why do they call you Inspector Blast?
Inspector: I SHALL HAVE NO INSUBORDINATION FROM THE LIKES OF YOU, WEAKLING SCUM!
(The Inspector starts to wander around the hall and then starts to wonder about the hall.)
Constable: He's a big fan of Horns of Nimon, don't aggravate him.
Inspector: CONSTABLE!
Constable: Yes Sir (Saluting)
Inspector: I want you to cover every corner of this house, no one and nothing must be allowed to escape our attention.
Constable: Certainly sir, will a blanket suffice?
(Inspector Blast eyes him with his squinting eye carefully.)
Inspector: As long as it confines these suspects until the murderer is found, now jog on the spot, star-jump until I say stop and tell me you're rank name and your number!
Constable: Yes Sir, immediately Sir.
Inspector: Not you Constable! This one here who remains suspiciously silent, watching me, trying to make me feel uncomfortable, like I am a nightmare Inspector from hell? Well Jump to it!
Lord Mike: Um, you do know who I am?
Inspector: Bnut of course, you are the murderer of murder victim because with this house sealed off this monster will keep on striking until there are no more posts to scratch!
Lord Mike: You're a cat person aren't you?
Inspector: I do, I like cats for their cunning, their killer instinct, you might say that I love cats, I really do! You you love cats?
Lord Mike: Thank you but I'm not really that inclined.
Inspector: No matter but you smell very fishy to me and you look a state!
Lord Mike: Must have something to do with being hit in the face with a cheesy Kipper! Now then, I am Leader, Prime Minister, Protector, defender, Doctor, Master Spy of the Boards and nobleman acting in the honour of Queen Pamela.
Inspector: Rubbish.
Lord Mike: I beg your pardon? This is starting like a very weak segment in the story, they'll turn over to Porridge if we're not careful!
Inspector: That's where I've seen your face before, rooting around in the rubbish bins!
Lord Mike: That wasn't me, me Lord Michael Kenneth Mills in the rubbish bins, no definitely not me. Anyway inspector, we've found the murder weapon!
Inspector: Oh? Do tell GUILTY AS CHARGED suspect?
Lord Mike: It was a cheesy banana, she was stabbed in the back with a cheesy banana.
Inspector: CONSTABLE! Take a note, C, D or E but in the meantime find every list of of greengrocers you have in the area and see if they sell either cheese or bananas? If they do book them!
As for these other suspects, I shall blow this whistle!
Lord Mike: And that will achieve?
Inspector: A continuation of the story with some shocking revelation for all of you, Binman!
(He pipes on the Whistle loudly!)
****
Binman: I'm, Binman, MIGOSH sent me in to investigate this adventure!
Lord Mike: I thought I was Binman!
Binman: You, British ambassador to the Mega International Grouping of Super Heroes, never! Who said that?
Lord Mike points at the Inspector!
Binman: (using his dumpster vision) That's not Inspector Blast, it's Llance Boyolis!
Da, da, dada, dumdadoo!!
Studio guard: Oi, orchestra get outta here!!!
(as the orchestra files out disgruntledly. Llance tries to leave the scene.)
Lord Mike: Not so fast you, you, William Hartnel impersonator!
Constable: I vouldn't be zo zure about zat, Miztare Millz!
Lord Mike and Binman turn around. The constable rips off his moustache and his constable out fit to reveal a black dress clothing Lady MArion!
DA, da, dada, dumdadoo!
Studio Guard: Do not make me call the police you band freaks!!!
Lady Marion: Vell, you've fvinally broke done to getting a zupare 'ero to do your fvighting fvor you?
Binman: No, I was just leaving. (and he does)
Lady Marion: Vell, vell, it iz just you and me and Llance.
Lord Mike: I don't work that way!
Llance slaps Lord Mike.
Lady Marion: Laance take him. Ve vill use him as ze bait fvor my nemisis, Lady Marian von Ver! Bvahahahahhahaha!!
Llance: I thought your nemisis was Marian von Wer!
Lady Marion: Don't tempt me, Llance, to 'urt you!
As they move up the stairs to there comrades a thing happened that may or may not explored in further posts!
****
Int. Upstairs kitchen
Lady Marian and Lindsey are sitting in the kitchen. Lindsey is looking at Marian lustfully!
Lady MArian: Oh, do stop, all you're doing is making the floor wet!
Lindsey: (Napkinning himself) Oh, sorry.
A large pear shaped figure moves towards our unsupecting heroine, and well Lindsey.
Lindsey: (turns around points and screams companionesquely) Ahhhhhhhhh!
Lady MArian: Ahem, that's my line!
Lindsey: Oh, sorry!
Figure: Stop this! I will not be denied my revenge!
Lady Marian: THose two sentences don't go together very well!
Figure: D**n script writers!
LAdy Marian: Hey, this is a family production!
Figure: Oh, sorry I didn't consi-
Lady Marian: THat's the problem with you mysterious figures; you never considor you dialogue!
Figure: Never the less I'm here, and now I will destroy you!
Lance stumbles into the kitchen breaking a heel on his shoe!
Lance: (Utter phobic recognition) It can't be you!
Figure: Oh, hello, Lance, Have you brought Nibbles with you?
Lance: That is a very disgusting continuity joke!
Lady Marian: What is going on?
Lance: Isn't it obvious the cheese kippers and the death of a character with a name basically the same as the Host of the Boards?
Lady Marian gives him a face of unrecognition. Lance takes it and puts it in his purse.
Lance: This is Otto!!!!
The large penguin stepped out from the shadows. Otto cackles maniacally as the scene fades to black!!!
****
Int. Kitchen
Lady Marian, Lindsay, and Lance are all looking at the terribleness that is Otto!
Otto: Now to garner the respect I deserve and to......
HE disappears quite mysteriously as the LAdy MArian and the others look very confused! Suddenly maniacal laughter that is so rife with maniacalness it is almost campy, well, let's not beat around the bush, it is campy.
Lindsey: (Naturally hiding under the table) I know that maniacal laughter!! It's-it's Mr. Thompson!!!!!
Lady Marian: What about Otto?
Lindsey: He must have gotten caught up in a spacial distortion!
Lady MArian: Well, that's the biggest plot device; I have ever heard!!!
Lance: We better get to Mike! Things are starting to get err, not quite silly!
***
Ext. Scotland
Otto: ....destroy Mills!!
Scotsman 1: Wha' yoo, talkin' aboot yer scoorvey peguine!!!
****
Quite, I think in order to return us onto the tracks I think I'll do a mid-story synopsus.
Tempus: I really don't think we need one!
Lord Mike: That's because you'd like to throw us into discontinuity!
Tempus: What's your point?
(Stop this! I'm trying to do something important so shut your pie 'ole!)
Anyway, it all started with Lord Mike and LAnce going to Lord Fortgetmenot's mansion to investigate a murder! Lady MArian, Steven, Lord Forgetmenot, Tempus, Stefan Fjord and Lord Ike are all in attendence. After looking over the victim, Emilia Beatrice Hoastess, and then split up with Marian and Mike going up stairs together, into a Wine Cellar where Lord Mike discover clues suggesting that the eveil Mr. Thompson is at work in the Forgetmenot Mansion. While in the kitchen they discover some clues and Lindsay, who is a suspect. ANyway a doorbell rings and Inspktor Blast and a constable arrive only to harrass Mike. The next post identifies teh two law officers as teh nefarious Lady Marion and Llance Boyoholis. Steven and Forgetmenot are tied up by the villains and their names are mutilated! Lady Marian, Lance and Lindsay (the all 'L' eposode) encounter the evil Otto of "The Board Wars" which attempts to atttack them only to be thwarted by the spatial anamolies of Mr. Thompson.
Find out what happens next in the next Lord Mike Post, Unknown cane time, same Cane channel!!!!
****
Lance: So let me get this straight.
Steven: Lance, it's a ruler. It can't get any straighter than that.
Lance: Can't it? I see a tiny, minute shift along its surface, that's bumped that is.
Steven: It's not the only thing round here that's tiny and minute!
Lance's Brain: Did you hear that?
Lance: What?
Lance's Brain: He just insulted you! Us, me, you, never mind.
Lance: He did?
Lance's Brain: Why do I bother?
Lance: Why do you? Anyway I've got to unkink this ruler!
Lance's Brain: Because I'm your brain, he just insulted you and leave that ruler alone! We're trapped in a cellar.
Lance: Are we?
Lance's Brain: Yes, yes you are. Otto threw you and Steven into the cellar so he could go on a murderous rampage!
Lance: Really?
Lance's Brain: Yes!
Lance: Then why am I trying to straighten this already straight ruler?
Lance's Brain: You're asking me?
Lance: Yes, I am. I think so?
Lance's Brain: Give me strength! Look, put down that ruler, no wait, pick up the ruler and bend it!
Lance: You want me to bend the ruler?
Lance's Brain: Give this man a diploma. Yes Lance, bend the ruler into the shape of a key!
Lance: But it won't be a ruler anymore, what good's a twisted unstraight ruler shaped like a key.
Lance's Brain: Work it out for yourself, I wish I was sharing Steven's head, we could go places but no I'm stuck with you!
Steve: Lance, stop staring into space as though you're trying to imitate superman looking through a wall. It won't work and besides that's the men servants' showers!
(Lance quickly looks away and then down at the ruler in his hands and an idea strikes him!)
Lance: Hang on, I've got a great idea!
(He then bangs himself on the head with the ruler.)
Steven: Why did you do that? Do I really want to ask that question?
Lance: Stops me looking through walls of the wrong kind of rooms where I'm not supposed to look through.
Steven: Yes... perhaps I'll just say you've gone mad? Wait a minute, that's it!
Lance's Brain: He called us mad! Say something, say you're not mad!
Lance: Okay, I'm not mad.
Steven: Prove it!
Lance's Brain: Come on, this is our chance. Tell him, prove to him that we're not mad. Come on Lance, say it!
Lance: Alright- Quack!
Steven: Exactly but if I take this ruler off you and bend it into the shape of a key, then it might just open the door. Bit of luck this locking us up in the stationary room!
Lance: Stationary room but that's not right, this is an old mansion in the middle of no where and Otto is Tempus' hench-bird, where's Tempus now?
Steven: Lance, I hate to say it but you actually started to make sense. Perhaps with no Lord Mike-type character present you are improving to the level of a genius?
Lance: Quack!
Steven: Or perhaps not. Though you have a point, where are the villains during all of this?
CUT TO: The Dungeon.
Tempus is hanging from chains from the ceiling while Stainless Steel Rat is in a perpetual spinning hamster-wheel kingsize.
Tempus: That Penguin, I created him, snatched him from the wastes of Antarctica embued him with evil. Taught him how to hate all others, I even dowloaded a portion of my mind into his when I was left dying. And this is how he repays me!
Stainless Steel Rat(AKA SSR): Quit your whining, just get this thing to stop moving!
Tempus: Interesting, you call yourself a scientist.
SSR: I was, the greatest scientist ever to experiment with tin foil, my mind is vastly superior to yours petty madman, even as to stain the world with your Fu Manchu-style chicanery bypassing all major copyright laws in the process, you are unoriginal and weak!
Tempus: Maybe, well no because I've always returned, evolved myself from a humble mad scientist to a Count and then to an equal beside Lord Mike, my genius is greater to yours!
SSR: Oh, really then use your great knowledge and stop this horrible torture for me.
Tempus: Simple, just stop moving, idiot!
(SSR suddenly realises that he is causing his own torture and grinds to a halt so suddenly that wheel breaks free rolling across the dungeon crushing a rack, a ducking stool, a guillotine and finally it bounces and crashes out of a window and down into the moat below.)
Tempus: Superior? Hah! A cowardly rat if ever I saw it.
(He looks about the room in embarrassment before realising that he's alone.)
Tempus: Little help here wouldn't come amiss?
CUT TO:
The Hall
(Lance and Steven are wandering along until Lance hears something.)
Lancve: Did you hear that?
Steven: Hey, who are you? Where'd Lance go, what have you done with him?
Lancve: Eh? Oh sorry, it's me. I'm using this handy 'v' I found in my pocket.
Steven: Lance- two things; One those were my pockets, Two that's my extra 'v' incase Stefan tries to take it again and three- it doesn't suit you!
Lancve: Oh, wait a mo you said two things?
Steven: Yes: One three and two except I have my special way of putting thinds in order and I'll take back that 'v'.
Lance: Ow! That hurt. Where do you think they are?
Steven: How should I know?
Lance: Because you're on good terms with the narrator, can't you ask him?
Steven: I could give it a go? Narrator, Mr Narrator, could I ask a favour from you?
Narrator: 'Slowly Belle stripped off her upper mostly sleeve revealing a glimmering shiny patch of skin that beckoned forth to be touched as it glowed in the warm moonlight and....
Don't creep up on a Narrator like that! What do you want?
Steven: Seeing as you've been absent largely from the story, could you please tell us where Otto the homicidal penguin is so we can rescue the others?
Narrator: You mean run off in the direction of the Kitchen, the cellar or the sweets' shop?
Steven: No, no we really are brave, aren't we Lance?
Lance: I fancy a chocolate teddybear.
Steven: Yes... As you can see, we're both very brave! Please?
Narrator: Um... No. Is there anything else I can do for you you two?
Lance: Yes, can you continue reading that passage?
Narrator: What's the magic word?
Lance: Quack!
Narator: Close enough.
****
Otto: Now how the heck did I get here?
Voice: I brought to you here! And through some detailed use of things I've had you throw Lance and Steven into the stationary room and turn on Tempus and SSR. The others, strangely enough, have escaped my grasp.
Otto: Can you bring Nibbles here?
Voice: Err, yes.
Nibbles pops into existance.
Nibbles: (horrified) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Otto: Come here you little yumyum!
Voice: Not now! Ike, Lindsay, Stefen, Marion, Llance, Marian, Mike and Forgetmenot are still lurking in the halls and rooms pervading their inanity!
Otto: That's a list and a half!
Voice: Quite!
Suddenly there is a puff of smoke, Emperor Martin appears in front of them.
Emperor Martin: I felt a little left out!
Simon Bufanda: If you feel left out, I suggest you throw yourself a Haff a Nice Day, Friends party!
Voice: Well, you can't be in this story, you have your own story over in "The Sheeping" thread! And Bufanda, get outta here, we needn't your tomfoolery, too!
Emperor Martin: Oh, ok.
Martin disappears as mysteriously as he appeared! Simon walks off dejectedly.
Otto: So let me get this straight, I'm Otto and then you're?
Voice: I am *** ********. You will take your orders from me or be forced back into Scotland!
Otto leaves the room.
Int hall
Otto: So I'm working for Mr. Thompson, now. I hope I don't get trapped in another epilogue, like I did when I worked for that devious Count Richard Wilden!
****
(The Door to the dungeon squeaks open loudly and in walks a shadowy form.)
Tempus: Goodness me- a shadowy form in the threshold of the door. I take it that you're trying to be sinister, dark and evil? Well you're not doing a very good job relying on cliches!
Lindsay: Where the light switch? Would you like some of my banana?
Tempus: Oh no, that can't be who I think it is, good thing I'm suspended above the ceiling or else I'd be in trouble!
(Lindsay finally presses the light switch and a barren, featureless dungeon before him.)
Lindsay: Where did everybody go? I just wanted to offer them my banana.
Tempus: They probably heard you coming.
Lindsay: Who said that? Am I going or mad or is it just the voices in my head?
Tempus: No but rather a voice above your head. You really are mad aren't you Lindsay?
Lindsay: Only if they don't eat my banana!
Lord Mike: Come on Lindsay before that evil peinguin appears!
Lady Marian: Yes, move you great walrus!
Lord Mike: Aha! I told you it was Silly David!
Lady Marian: Just shove the fool inside so we can block the door off with these bits of convenient lumber lying around the floor.
Lord Mike: Handy that, yes move Lindsay!
Lindsay: I hear voices, voices in my head!
Lord Mike: You usually do Lindsay now move inside.
(Lord Mike, Lady Marian, Lindsay wander in and close the door behind them.)
Tempus: Aha! Welcome to my evil trap Lord Mike!
(Lord Mike looks around scared.)
Lord Mike: I was right all along! It was Tempus being the murderer!
Lady Marian: You clod, you claimed that it was David a moment ago.
Lord Mike: I was toying with you my dear, trying to ascertain the true motivation behind your examinations.
Lady Marian: What?
Lord Mike: I wanted to see if you might be connected with the plot.
Tempus: On the contrary Lord Mike you have walked right into my trap!
Lord Mike: Where are you Tempus, show yourself!
(Lady Marian points upwards and slowly he too looks up to see Tempus dangling there.)
Lord Mike: Unexpected surprise! What are you doing up there?
Tempus: Isn't it obvious? I'm exercising and you have fallen into my trap!
Lady Marian: We walked freely into it.
Tempus: Exactly, you doomed yourselves!
Lord Mike: What do you mean?
Tempus: Lindsay, these two don't like your banana, they hate it and don't want any to eat!
Lady Marian: Oh dear, we're in deep Guano!
Tempus: Indeed you are.
Lindsay: My banana! My cheesy banana you don't want! I hate you I do! I hate you!
(He starts to slash out with his cheesy bana at them, escape is quite possible!)
****
As Lindsay lashes out at Lord Mike who stumbles backwards hitting a giant lever.
The chains suspending Tempus unclip from the hook on the ceiling and Tempus falls!
Tempus: Ha, I've survived larger falls than this!
He, cat-like, falls onto a convenient pile of wool.
Tempus: (untangling himself from chains) Well, that was an awfully nice gesture Mike!
Lord Mike: Yes (emphasis) AWFULLY!
Lady Marian groans as she jumps back from the banana's heinous strawberry tip!
Lord Mike: So, you thought you could defeat me through Lindsay, eh?
Tempus: Yes!
Lord Mike: Are you succeeding?
Tempus: (looking over at Lindsay as he tries to stab Marian with his banana) Well, let's just say it's still up in the air.
Lord Mike: (looking at the ceiling) You're quite right!
A big brick falls from the ceiling striking Lindsay in a cheap slapstick fashion.
Tempus: Well, that was odd.
Lord Mike: Yes, now what are you using Otto for?
Tempus: I've no idea he's no longer in my control!
Lady Marian: This could be bad!
Tempus and Lord Mike turn to look at the door as the giant penguin walks into the dungeon.
Otto: Oh good, now I don't have to carry you very far!
Tempus: By the will of Richard Wilden, I beseech you to stop!
Otto: I don't listen to Richard any more I have a new master! His name is.....
Cue Danger mouse theme tune. (I'm thinking nice tip of hat to the past!
Lord Mike Theme (composed by Matt Painter):
He's dramatic, and romantic,
Whenever there is danger he'll be there,
Conquers evil,
Quite fantastic,
And he does it all with lightly coiffured hair,
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike!
****
Int. Dungeon
As the nostalgia from the Lord Mike theme song fades from mind; Otto finds himself all alone.
Otto: Oh drat!
Int. Hall
Lord Mike, Marian, Tempus, and Lindsay are running down the hall.
Lindsay: This is getting complicated!
Suddenly they're running through a flower bed!
Lord Mike: This is..
Back into the hall.
Lord Mike: ...getting odd.
Voice: Hmm, now where'd Marion get to. The poor girl. Oh, hello good chap, have you seen a lady dressed in black!
Otto: Oh ho, how'd you escape the staionary room!? Where's Steven?
Llance: I wouldn't know where the little one would be, Hmmm!
Lady Marian: We've got to save him Otto'll moirder him!
Tempus: Good mafia impersonation!
Lady Marian: Thank you, that is if I took compliments from evil meglomaniacs!
Lord Mike runs around the corner and returns with Llance.
Lord Mike: Quickly to the Millsmobile!
Lord Ike: Aye, nert so farst, Misterrrrr Mills! Yeh, stay rrright tare!
Lord Mike: Not now Ike, Otto's the real enemy!
Llance: Now wait ol' chap, I thought it was that nice fellow Mr. Thompson, hmmm.
Lindsay: This is getting complicated!
Everyone: You've said that already!
Lindsay: Quite.
Everyone runs off as a strangely penguin shaped shadow starts to lumber towards them!
Int. Hall
Steven and Lance are stumbling about looking for Lord Mike.
Lance: I think this all has to do with Mr. Thompson!
Steven: It's nice to see that you've been paying attention finally!
Lance: I thought that since this is starting to get serious I'd better know the facts!
Lance's brain: Good show!
Lance: Thanks!
Steven: What?
Lance: Quack!
Lance's brain: And again we travel well trodden roads!
Lance: What?
Steven: I ask you that!
Lance's brain: I wasn't talking to you you dunder head!
Lance: Oh, ok.
Steven: What?
Lance: (pointing) Look it's Marian!
They run up to her and she turns, but it's not Marian. It's Marion!
Marion: Vell, vell, vell, ze piddling liddle man who talks to himzelf, and ze fool who iz ze coozin to Stefen Fjord!
Steven: Yipe!
Marion's burly guards grab Steven and Lance from behind!
Lance: Oohoo, this one's getting a bit fresh!
Guard: (winking) Ahem, I'm not that way inclined!
Steven eyes widen out of recognition!
Lance: Are you sure?
The guard hits him with a near by torch.
****
The two guards quietly lead Steven and Lance away from Lady Marion.
They take off their masks.
Steven: Lord Mike, and ....Tempus?
Tempus: Quite, I'm helping you guys because your replicates over powered me!
Lord Mike: Yes, and Llance and Ike have Marian!
Tempus: They could use her to haggle with Mr. Thompson, and then there'll be no room for other villains!
Steven: Look it's Stefen! Oh, wait never mind!
As Stefen walks down the hall Forgetmenot grabs him from behind and locks him in a room!
Ext. Suddenly, they were standing on the platform back at the tube station. Sir Mike tapped his cane on the ground for effect.
Lindsay: Tube station sir?
Lord Mike: Holy cravats! It can't be!
Paul McGann Mills: Oh, I'm afraid it is! Well I'm a possible outcome of these time disturbances, if you don't stop them they will alter your physical appearence.
Lord Mike: Into Paul McGann?
Alt. Mills: Yes.
Steven: Who are these people? (points to Lance and Tempus)
Lance+Tempus: We're People in the story!
Steven: So you're not me, right?
Lance:Quack!
Tempus: Yes!
Suddenly....
Int cab
....they're in the cab and the driver turns around!
Alt. Mills and Lord Mike: You!!!!!
Driver: Yes, it's I Mr. Thompson!
Suddenly..
Int Millsmobile
...Otto opens the cab door, only now it's the Millsmobile and not the cab, and Marian is with Mike, Lance, Steven and Tempus.
Steven: Is it me or does this Millsmobile look like the inside of a tooth paste tube?
Otto: I've found you!
Suddenly.....
Int. Millsmobile garage
......the Millsmobile is in the Mills manor garage!
Lord Mike: Now, the next time this turns into....
Int. Steven's bed room
Steven: What am I doing in my bedroom? And for that matter what are you doing here?
Lance: Quack! Let's walk!
They are walking through the park when suddenly....
Int. Stationary room
Steven: We've come Full circle!
Lance: Oh no, Marshmen!!!
Steven: Quite, except for the fact that it's a spider.
Int. hall
Steven: Quickly we've got to find the alarm clock or.....
Steven walks into a lamp post!
Steven: What the?
Lance: Well, Lord Forgetmenot's a lamp post collector!
There is a scream of agony!
Lord Mike: (running up to Steven) I told you you'd get use out of this novelty lamp post!
Lord Forgetmenot: Quite!
Steven: What's happened?
Lord Mike: Well, Mr. Thompson was defeated when you hit the lamp post, now all that we need to do is thwart the other villains, except for Tempus who went home because things were getting too odd.
Suddenly the shadow of a giant penguin approaches!
Lord Mike: Make a run for it!!!
****
Meanwhile Lady Marian has inexplicably found herself in an underground chamber. Torches burn in the walls as suddenly at the end of the room a heavy stone door slides back.
Voice: Come in Lord Ike, you have done very well in your work.
But no one enters.
Voice: Did you hear what I said or did your possible Scottish ears miss the point?
Then as Marian watches Tempus suddenly steps into the room.
Voice: Hang on a mo, you're not Lord Ike.
Tempus: Obviously I'm not. For one thing I am a brilliant scientific genius and Lord Ike is one letter short of becoming an unwanted twin!
Voice: So you came in here alone, what a stupid thing to do. You do realise who I am?
Tempus: Yes of course I do. Eh, Mr Thompson but since you've been largely absent in the proceeding I thought that I'd be blunt and expose you for the demented over the top figure that you truly are!
Voice: You mean you know who I am?
Tempus: My Spike Milliganesque servant,in reality I knew it was you. I created Otto, he was my Penguin and you stole him.
Voice: Ha! He was never your penguin, he's only doing this for a joke, so that he can get rid of you all. He will be my servant and there will be no more good or evil and you're wrong about my real secret identity.
Tempus: Oh yes I forgot Lord Forgetmenot!
Lady Marian: What?
Voice: Who's there?
Tempus: An intruder in your midst, namely Lady Marian I saw her climbing about the shadows. That machine with the others is a trap, isn't it?
Lady Marian: Tempus, I thought you'd gone home?
Tempus: Impossible Lady Marian, this maniac is holding all the keys. This mansion is a self contained dimensional cluster. Hundreds of rooms containing intricate dimensions such as the Stationary room, The Park, Steven's Bedroom.
Voice: How could you possible know that you clever, clever man?
Tempus: Simple actually, I got bored with the bits so far and read forward in the script but it's a natural result given the evidence.
Lady Marian: See you guys later then, I've gotta fly!
(Suddenly she grabs a broomstick and flies off down the corridor.)
Voice: She's escaping, seize her!
Tempus: I'm not in your employ. You should have kept that in the broomstick room?
Voice: I did but it gets so boring down here, besides her escape doesn't matter, especially when the fireworks begin!
Tempus: You're not going to let them off down here? You'll put someone's eye out!
Voice: Not down here because if that robot up there gets the slightest wiff of trouble then boom, up it goes!
Tempus: So they haven't got very long particularly when each of them had a curry and I had the salad.
Voice: Precisely but you can't stop me.
Tempus: True but I think I'll sit this action off now, getting a little too boring for me. I'll take a moment out and then pick up when everyone starts running!
CUT TO:
A flapping Penguin-like shadow appears.
Lord Mike: Make a run for it!
Lady Marian: No wait, it's me!
Lance: Look, it's a bird, it's a plane...
Steven: No Lance, it's a fly buzzing around your head!
Lance: Oh.
Lord Mike: It is Marian and she's flying on a broomstick like thing that witches use?
Steven: A what?
Lord Mike: A flying mop-type thing?
****
LAdy Marian lands nicely on the ground.
Lady Marian: We have to get out of here! He's going to blow up the building!
Lord Mike: Not now, we're trying to decide whether this is a mop or a broomstick!
Marian slaps him.
Lady Marian: WE don't have time to mess around! Tempus is down stairs buying us time! we can't sit here twiddling our thumbs!
Steven: Why doesn't Tempus have any pocket change?
Mike hits Steven.
Lord Mike: She's quite right, we a have to find Lindsay, and Forgetmenot!
Lady Marian: No, Forgetmenot is Thompson!
Lance: Well, that's an unexpected surprise!
They all get on the mop/broomstick and fly off in search of Lindsay.
Int. Underground area.
Tempus: I don't understand, why not bring the villains together as a cohesive unit?
Thompson(vo): I care not for villains nor heroes I am nuetral I wish to exist and to exist is to be Mills' arch spatial-deforming character, then so be it!
Tempus: But why not get off the fence, pick a side?
Thompson(vo): Enough of this you monkey! (Tempus disappears) Otto what is the position of Mills!
Otto: They are heading for a dungeon where Lindsay is!
Thompson: Prepare the ABD!
Otto: Yes, Mr. Thompson! Wait, what of the replicates?
Thompson: What about them?
Otto: Should I warn them of the ABD?
THompson: I see no such need.
Lord Ike: (Who walks into the chamber) Aye, boot wee doo!
Lord Ike is followed by the others.
Lady Marion: Zis iz ze vorst injuztize I've evaire 'eard!
Stefen Fjord: We be helping you and then you being doublecrossing us! Not nice is that being Mr. Thompson!
Llance: That's right, it's not very cricket, hmmm!
The replicates attack Mr. Thompson.
Mr. Thompson(vo): Ottooooooo!!!!
Otto: I have no need for weak willed spatial deformities. I'll destroy the boards on my own!! Pwahahahahahaha!!!
Will Mike and the gang find Lindsay before the ABD destruction? Will Ike and his gang of replicates over throw Mr. Thompson or will they be defeated? Will Otto finish his work before Mike can thwart him? Will I stop asking questions in time to get over to the next post? Find out next time, on Lord Michael Mills a Saga's Adventure in Murder!
****
Lord Mike and company zoom quickly out of the mansion as the ABD goes off leaving a giant crater in its wake.
Lady Marian: The doubles!
Lord Ike: Ach we'rrre oka lassie.
Steven: What the?
Llance: Hmmm, we got control of the alarm clock, didn't we, dear girl?
LAdy Marion: Ve vould ov gotten it zoonaire iv you 'adn't gotten in the vay.
Stefen Fjord: Yes! Being close to destruction we were, yes!
Tempus: Luckily I was here waiting for it to happen!
Lord Mike: What?
Tempus: Well, Otto was my pet before Thompson corrupted him. So I had to try to save him and well I succeded partly.
LAnce: This is building up to something right?
Steven: Not likely.
Lord Mike: Anyway, everthing is saved.
Lady Marian: What about them? (Indicates to the doubles)
Lord Ike: Ach, yoo donna ned ta worra 'boot oos we'rre tuckerrred frrom fightin' wit' Thompson, we'rre goin' 'ome.
Steven: Tempus?
Tempus: I've got robotic wings and webbed feet to make, too busy to play today.
Lord Mike: Right, to the Millsmobile!
Everyone gets in and the Millsmobile drives into the moonset.
***
INTERIOR. MILLS-APPARTMENTS, ROOM 13 13 for M. M.
Lord Mike: Change the channel Lance!
Sir Lance: I can't but do regale me with more witting and amusing anecdotes from your wonder adventures while I close my eyes.
Lord Mike: Lance you won't be sleeping on my watch!
Sir Lance: I'm not, I'm leaning against the Cuckoo clock.
DADOOM TISH!
Lord Mike: What was that?
Sir Lance: Nibbles practising with his new drum kit I think?
Lord Mike: You think?
Sir Lance: Well my brain does that, I just stand here and fill in the space.
Lord Mike: I see? Wait a moment, why can't you change the chammel?
Sir Lance:...
Lord Mike: What was the Morse code in aid of?
Sir Lance: You said wait a moment, so I did. I can't change the channel because their's only one.
Lord Mike: Funny that, this TV says there are over two hundred.
Sir Lance: Two hundred what?
Lord Mike: Not really it's run on solar power.
DADOOM TISH!
Lord Mike: I wish that Nibbles would practise his drum practise elsewhere?
Sir Lance: Practise? I thought you just randomly banged it about?
Lord Mike: It's not like your head Lance, the drum is a complicated mechanism that creates unique musical sounds when a hand is tapped across its smooth surface to create...
DADOOM TISH!
Lord Mike: Precisely, Wait a moment!
Brain: Lance it's a figure of speech.
Sir Lance: One.
Brain: No, it's an exclamation
Sir Lance: Escam..? Exclomamam?
Brain: It means with great shock, oh no no he's looking at us. Say something before he gets worried.
Sir Lance: Quack!
Lord Mike: Are you all right Lance?
Sir Lance: Fine, perfectly fine. Was that convincing or what?
Brain: Bravo! Aside from the quack we've got away with it!
Lord Mike: Lance? LANCE!
Sir Lance: Yes, YES!
Brain: Don't start repeating his speech, why do I bother? I might as well cut off his mind altogether.
Sir Lance: Quack! I mean yes, Quack!
Lord Mike: Lance, do you realise that so far we've been talking about Nibbles and morse code when there's murder afoot!
Sir Lance: I always thought that it was strange thing on the end of the.... the....
Lord Mike: Why the morse code?
Sir Lance: I'm trying to give dramatic pauses, also it looks good.
Lord Mike: Point taken.
Sir Lance: Ow! I wondered why I was holding that sharp thing in my... thingies?
Lord Mike: Hands.
Sir Lance: No, I'm Lance, Hans is someone I don't know, possibly Austrian.
Lord Mike: Lance, we're wasting valuable time. We should be at Lord Forgetmenot's dinner party together with all other loyal suspects: General Steven Ford, Lady Marian and strangely enough Tempus, Lord Ike and Stefan Fjord.
Sir Lance: Lord Who?
Lord Mike: No, Lance that's my great uncle. Now stop cutting into the prize jokes and quick- to the Dinner party!
Sir Lance: Sorry to but in but I never explained the channel pun.
Lord Mike: That's true, be quick about it.
Sir Lance: I can't change the channel because there's only one. The English channel.
BADOOM TISH!
****
[Ext The outside of the Forgetmenot manor]
Lord Mike staggers out and Lance hops out.
Lord Mike: Never do that again!
Lance: Do what?
Lord Mike: Never tell that joke again.
Lance: What joke?
Lord Mike: The Channel joke! Oh and you've lost radio privelages in the Millsmobile for a stern but fair while!
Lance: I thought it was funny?
Lord Mike: THe first time, yes, but three hours of trying to get the radio off the grunge music station with your bantering about it being the English Channel wears even a hero a bit thin!
Lance: (looks down dejectedly) I'm sorry.
Lord Mike: Quite, well, let's get in there!
***
[Int. the Forgetmenot ballroom]
Tempus, Steven, Lady Marian, Lord Ike, Stefan Fjord and Lord Forgetmenot are standing about like pickles in a jar except with less green liquidness and less spice.
Steven: THe noose in the conservatory!
Lord Forgetmenot: Err, how'd you do that?
Steven: I have this thing with Clue!
Lord Forgetmenot: (nodding) Quite!
Lord Mike: So what's happened?
Lady Marian: Well, Steven has just won his thirty sixth game of Clue! I really think he needs a new hobby.
Steven: No way, have you ever seen those things; they're huge!
Lady Marian: What are you talking about?!
Steven: Gnus! I refuse to have a gnu associated hobby!
Mike hits Steven.
Lord Mike: Other than that!
Lord Forgetmenot: Err, some one was killed, to be more specific, a friend of mine, Emilia Beatrice Hoastess!
Lord Mike: Tempus, it's bad enough that you try to take over the Boards' castle every other day, but if you start killing....
Tempus: You obvious twit, I didn't do it!
Lord Mike: Oh, well, that's a bit flummoxing!
LAdy MArian: Quite!
Lance: (who really didn't have anything pertinent to say he just didn't wish to be overlooked) Maybe if we look at this thingy coming out of the victim's back we could find out what really happened. (He pulls out the knife from the victim's back) Yep, it's a sharpy thing!
Lord Mike: (snatching the knife from Lance) You're contaminating evidence! (looking at the knife) It's definitely a knife!
Tempus: (totally annoyed by now) Give me that you bumbling prattlers. (grabs the knife and pulls a box from his trench coat) THis is an analyzer.
Tempus drops the knife into the box. A piece of paper is spat out.
Lord Mike: (raising eyebrow with enigmatic incredulity) Well...
Tempus: (angrily rips the paper from the box) IT says. (sighs angrily) It says, "This is a knife.".
Steven: Hey, that's my magic box!
Tempus: It was you who infected my analyzer with your comic stupidity!
Tempus lunges for Steven, but the other guests restrain him.
Lord Mike: Stop, if we fight like animals; we die like cucumbers!
Lady Marian: (shaking her head) Not even Sylvester McCoy would've approved that misquote!
Lord Mike: I misquoted?
Lady MArian: Well, some one killed Miss Hoastess, and all we know is that it was none of us!
Steven: Well put, Poirot!
Lady Marian: Thank you, Hastings? Now Miss Lemon...
Lance: Yes.
Lady Marian: Miss Lemon, go check the files for any possible enemies of Miss Hoastess!
Lance: OF course. (leaning in to whisper) May put on a nice little, yellow, chiffon number?
Lady MArian: If you wish!
Lance runs off to change.
Lady Marian: Police Investigator Jap, come with me to check if there is indeed anyone else here.
Lord Mike: Okey-doke. Hey, just a second, when did you take over this adventure?
Lady Marian: Err, since the knife gag.
Lord Mike: Ok, I was just checking.
Steven: What about me?
LAdy Marian: You stick around here and make sure that Tempus doesn't make mischief!
Steven: Oh boy, I get to be the muscle man!!!!
Lady MArian and Lord Mike ascend the stairs to invstigate the other rooms!
Lord Mike: Should we be alone?
Lady Marian slaps him.
***
[Int. ballroom]
Stefan Fjord: Being forgotten are we!
Lord Ike: Aye, we arrrre!
Stefan Fjord: Murder did we commit?
Lord Ike: I 'ave narrry a' ideerrr. I donna 'member killin' anya-one. 'Ave you noticed yer talkin' like tha' Yoga guy?
Stefan Fjord: No, I am not knowing about Yoga, but I be knowing about yogurt. I be liking strawberry quitely!
****
Int. Upstairs
(Lord Mike and Lady Marian or Lady Marian and Lord Mike, whichever way you prefer)
Kennth Williams: Oh Matron!
(Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying, our two intrepid heroes of intrepidness are invesitigating the upstairs rooms. They enter a new room)
Lord Mike: We appear to be in the wine cellar
Lady Marian: At the top of the house?
Lord Mike: I would make sense, after all the attic's at the bottom.
(He pulls a bottle from the rack)
Lord Mike: Ah, Ratoe fifty-nine a fine vintage
Lady Marian: Hang on, did you just say Ratoe fifty-nine?!
(She snatches the bottle from his Lordship)
Lord Mike: Ee gads, you're right! There's only one enemy of ours that drink Ratoe fifty-nine!
Lance: The devious Mister Thompson?
(They look quizzicaly at Lance in his new dress)
Lady Marian: He's right you know
Lord Mike: I know but don't encourage him. Besides, I'd already figured it out
(They look at him disbelievingly)
Lord Mike (adiment): I did! The spacial disturbances were the first clue and that bloody great time-travelling taxi in the corner was the second!
Announcer: We apologise to anyone who has not read Albino Royale or Children of the Resolution, but we're going to continue anyway
Lance: But if Thompson's around doesn't that mean that the lovely Miss Paris DeTotty is about as well
Lady Marian: Who?
Lord Mike (In a particularly William Hartnell-esque manner): Before your time my dear (His eyes widen as he remembers a forgotten plotline) But at the end of Children of the Resolution wasn't it revealed that theywere Steven's parents?
Lance: So they could be after Steven!
(Lady Marian looks worried as something resembling a plot begins to form)
***
Suddenly! There was a distant police siren as the Keystone Cops come into play, and if you thought they were good at running, you should see them playing soccer!
But enough of this, back to the story.
Man: I only asked if I could cut it in half?
Enter Lord Mike and Marian into the Kitchen.
Lady Marian: Why are we in here?
Lord Mike: Because I have a nose for these things and something smell fishy!
Lady Marian: Must be this Kipper on the stove.
Lord Mike: A kipper on the stove- Brilliant, brilliant the hostess came in here and ate the kipper and fell backwards onto a knife! There, I've solved the mystery at last.
Lady Marian: No you haven't, the kipper hasn't been touched.
Lord Mike: I should think not, now to dust for fingerprints, I'll just reach in to this pot of clear bubbling liquid and extrude the offending implament.
Lady Marian: You what? Quick, talk sense or the audience will turn over Dallas!
Lord Mike: Oh, my word! Competing with the big boys now! Yes I shall pull a kipper from a pot!
He reaches in and burns himself.
Lord Mike: It burns, it burns!
Lady Marian: What do you expect? It's boiling water.
Lord Mike: I thought it was just a cheap effect, we haven't got a budget to supply boiling water. This was my favourite hand, my rod hand.
Lady Marian: I beg your pardon? There are children watching, they shouldn't be because they won't go to be before the graphic violence overly done sex starts!
(Lord Mike looks all glaze-eyed, his mouth hanging open. Lady Marian grabs something and hits some sense in to him.)
Lord Mike: Ow! That hurt, whatever it was, it hurt me a lot!
Lady Marian: It was only a... a...
Lord Mike: This is ridiculous, now you're doing Morse code! We'll lose half the viewers now to the A-team!
Lady Marian: No you dunderhead, it was a cheesy banana!
Lord Mike: Let me get this right or left or straight on over the bridge, turn left at the traffic lights and straight on:
Lady Marian: As long as you stop using that gag, this story is wearing a bit thin.
Lord Mike: Yes but I shall rectify that by revealing the identity of the murderer! A kipper in a pot, the pot is actually boiling and therefore ludicrous and a cheesy banana present it can only be- Silly David from the boards!
(Lady Marian claps mockingly)
Lady Marian: Bravo, except that it can't be him because where's the standard dead Walrus, the nude (Insert a name here) O-gram and a kipper!
(Lord Mike reaches into the pot, forgetting the water and burns his other hand but doesn't and holds the kipper aloft!)
Lady Marian: You hand isn't burnt?
Lord Mike: Oh yes but it doesn't have reek with fish!
Lady Marian: That's the kipper you're holding Sherlock!
Sherlock: Elementary my dear Marian, it is a vital clue to solving this mystery, now if you two will excuse us, we have to go see a man about a dog.
(He waves his deerstalker at her and leaves, smoking his pipe)
Lord Mike: Amateur! Ugh, that fish reeks of cheese, a cheesy kipper, that's a novelty!
Lady Marian: But this is silly, water that one minute is hot and the next it's harmless, it's still bubbling, Sherlock Holmes happens to be standing in the room with us, it's all silly!
Lord Mike: Exactly! That was his mistake, it's too silly, we shall capture this maniac before he strikes... again!
Lady Marian: Nice dramatic pause you did there.
Lord Mike: Pause? I was trying morse code for help, I'm truly terrified.
Man: I only gave her one, she said she liked it a lot!
Lord Mike: Incredible that, I'm hearing voices!
Lady Marian: You always are Lord Mike.
(Suddenly a figure lurches into the light, clutching at two sharp objects!)
Man: I only gave her one!
Lady Marian: Ahem? This is supposed to be a family show. No violence and hot sex yet.
(Again Lord Mike looks all glazed over)
Lady Marian: I said not yet. This could be our murderer here.
Lord Mike: You're right, come into the light so that we can see you whose mask you have stood behind during this turbulent expanse and what insane charade you masquerade behind.
Lady Marian: The viewers!
CUT TO:
'In the nineteen seventies, a group of highly specialised military commanders were accused of a crime they did not commit, to this day they have escaped and now roam the world, if you have a problem, if there's a force you can reach, call the A-team'
Lord Mike VO: What's going on?
Lady Marian VO: They've turned over to the A-team, quick simplify your statement!
Lord Mike VO: Who are you and why kill them?
CUT TO: The Kitchen as the moaning, eerie man steps into the light.
Lady Marian: It's Lindsay!
Lindsay: It is me, so very, very quiet!
Lord Mike: All right, I'll turn the radio on.
Lindsay: Wait! I am the one who gave her one, she said that she liked it very much and wanted another and another and another and...
Lady Marian: All right, all right we get the picture.
Lord Mike: We certainly do, keep them coming James!
Lady Marian: Lord Mike, look what he's holding in his hand.
Lord Mike: I'd rather not, I'm not that way inclined!
Lady Marian: But he's got two of them!
Lord Mike: He's what?
(Lord Mike finally stares in disbelief at the quivering cheese covered bananas tipped in cheese ansd red sauce!)
Lord Mike: Blimey! A strawberry flavoured cheesy-banana- eh Lindsay?
Lady Marian: No you clucking imbecile, he killed the hostess!
Lindsay: No I didn't, I found her in the cellar with one in her back, look at the shape of it, it's bent all out of shape!
Lord Mike: I beg your pardon?
Lady Marian: He's talking about the banana, which means that the knife was a false weapon, she was murdered with a cheesy banana!
Lord Mike: I still say it was Silly David!
(Then there comes the doorbell ringing loudly.)
Lord Mike: Oh no, what now?
Lindsay: That was the doorbell ringing.
Lord Mike: You seem to know a lot about it?
Lindsay: I should do, I have one on my house, it means someone's at the door!
Lord Mike: Ah, trying to make your escape, Marian watch him.
Lady Marian: Do I have to?
Lord Mike: I know it's not pretty but it has to be done, now I wonder if that's the pizza I ordered?
(He walks out)
Lindsay: Lady Marian, you are beautiful, would you mind if I gave you one?
Lady MariaN: Ooh James you are a bit easy there, on the floor, the work surface?
Lindsay: No, in your hand. I can't stand the feel of these bananas anymore, I'm going to get something from the frodge, probably some stuffed walrus?
***
Int. Ballroom
Steven and Lord Forgetmenot are tied to two chairs.
Steven: Tempus, are you sure we should be playing games while there is a murderer running about!
Tempus: (connivingly) But the murderer isn't here is he? (quickly) Or she!
Lord Ike: Aye, and plarrrs we donna wan' ya aroun' when we go to defea' ourrrrr nemiseesesss!
Stefan Fjord: (sharpening a machete) Close being are you to the 'V' of yours, yes?
Steven: Why are talking like Yoda?
Stefan: It's being not my fault. It's being the author's fault, yes!
Steven: Oh.
Lord Forgetmenot: Holy galloping ferrets! These guys aren't Judge McCaffrey, Fredrique von Schnuttel and Parsley Vega! They're all dastardly dastards!!!!
Stefan: That's being right Lord Forgetfulness! We are being the dastardly dastards that you be speaking of, yes!
Tempus: I wondered why I got that invitation.
Lord Ike: Aye, an' we arrrre takin' overrrr this little parrrrteeeee!
Tempus: Do shut-up that accent's bugging me! Steven, you'll give me the secret codes to start the Millsmobile, or you'll meet a most unsatisfactory end!
Steven: Please, no more Jar-Jar!
Lord Forgetmenot: You won't get away with this! Lord Mike is here in the manor!! What are you doing with that machete!
Stefan: I am being making a letter transplant, yes!
Steven: Nooooooo!!!!!!
Stefan removes the letters from his victims and replaces them into his own name.
Stefen Fojrd: No, not again. I'm impronounceable again!
Lord Orgfetmant: Well, this is an odd experience.
Steven Foord: Ha-ha, now to be going to finish the others off, yes!
Lord Ike: Aye, Ee'll be getting oor otta conspirators!
Stefen Fojrd: Who!
Steven Foord: It be being Lady Marion and Llance Boyoholis! Hwahahahahah!!!!
The villains leave.
Lord Orgfetmant: We have to warn them!
Stefen Fojrd: I'm distraught right now!
***
As Lord Mike descends the long winding stairs over and over again, primarily there's only three steps but he has a lot to pad out but finally after five minutes of step aerobic he crosses over to the vast door.
Lord Mike: Ah pizza at last!
Suddenly the door crashes open and in strides the officer, tall, broad, powerful with a squinting eye!
Officer: I am Inspektor Blast and I haff heard of murder? Of screams during the night. Who are you? No remain silent, constable!
(A timid-dim witted costable hurries through and salutes him.)
Constable: Yes sir, here sir, what do you want sir?
Inspector: We have found our prime suspect, this man acting very strangely was creeping towards the door and for what reason?
Lord Mike: Well I was actually...
Inspector: You were 's'? Don't treat me like a fool, I know moresecode and if you're going to lie to me, you might well do it proberly!
Lord Mike: No that was a dramatic pause. I didn't know the police had been called?
Inspector: No police? Did you hear that constable? Condemned out of his own mouth!
Lord Mike: Um... why do they call you Inspector Blast?
Inspector: I SHALL HAVE NO INSUBORDINATION FROM THE LIKES OF YOU, WEAKLING SCUM!
(The Inspector starts to wander around the hall and then starts to wonder about the hall.)
Constable: He's a big fan of Horns of Nimon, don't aggravate him.
Inspector: CONSTABLE!
Constable: Yes Sir (Saluting)
Inspector: I want you to cover every corner of this house, no one and nothing must be allowed to escape our attention.
Constable: Certainly sir, will a blanket suffice?
(Inspector Blast eyes him with his squinting eye carefully.)
Inspector: As long as it confines these suspects until the murderer is found, now jog on the spot, star-jump until I say stop and tell me you're rank name and your number!
Constable: Yes Sir, immediately Sir.
Inspector: Not you Constable! This one here who remains suspiciously silent, watching me, trying to make me feel uncomfortable, like I am a nightmare Inspector from hell? Well Jump to it!
Lord Mike: Um, you do know who I am?
Inspector: Bnut of course, you are the murderer of murder victim because with this house sealed off this monster will keep on striking until there are no more posts to scratch!
Lord Mike: You're a cat person aren't you?
Inspector: I do, I like cats for their cunning, their killer instinct, you might say that I love cats, I really do! You you love cats?
Lord Mike: Thank you but I'm not really that inclined.
Inspector: No matter but you smell very fishy to me and you look a state!
Lord Mike: Must have something to do with being hit in the face with a cheesy Kipper! Now then, I am Leader, Prime Minister, Protector, defender, Doctor, Master Spy of the Boards and nobleman acting in the honour of Queen Pamela.
Inspector: Rubbish.
Lord Mike: I beg your pardon? This is starting like a very weak segment in the story, they'll turn over to Porridge if we're not careful!
Inspector: That's where I've seen your face before, rooting around in the rubbish bins!
Lord Mike: That wasn't me, me Lord Michael Kenneth Mills in the rubbish bins, no definitely not me. Anyway inspector, we've found the murder weapon!
Inspector: Oh? Do tell GUILTY AS CHARGED suspect?
Lord Mike: It was a cheesy banana, she was stabbed in the back with a cheesy banana.
Inspector: CONSTABLE! Take a note, C, D or E but in the meantime find every list of of greengrocers you have in the area and see if they sell either cheese or bananas? If they do book them!
As for these other suspects, I shall blow this whistle!
Lord Mike: And that will achieve?
Inspector: A continuation of the story with some shocking revelation for all of you, Binman!
(He pipes on the Whistle loudly!)
****
Binman: I'm, Binman, MIGOSH sent me in to investigate this adventure!
Lord Mike: I thought I was Binman!
Binman: You, British ambassador to the Mega International Grouping of Super Heroes, never! Who said that?
Lord Mike points at the Inspector!
Binman: (using his dumpster vision) That's not Inspector Blast, it's Llance Boyolis!
Da, da, dada, dumdadoo!!
Studio guard: Oi, orchestra get outta here!!!
(as the orchestra files out disgruntledly. Llance tries to leave the scene.)
Lord Mike: Not so fast you, you, William Hartnel impersonator!
Constable: I vouldn't be zo zure about zat, Miztare Millz!
Lord Mike and Binman turn around. The constable rips off his moustache and his constable out fit to reveal a black dress clothing Lady MArion!
DA, da, dada, dumdadoo!
Studio Guard: Do not make me call the police you band freaks!!!
Lady Marion: Vell, you've fvinally broke done to getting a zupare 'ero to do your fvighting fvor you?
Binman: No, I was just leaving. (and he does)
Lady Marion: Vell, vell, it iz just you and me and Llance.
Lord Mike: I don't work that way!
Llance slaps Lord Mike.
Lady Marion: Laance take him. Ve vill use him as ze bait fvor my nemisis, Lady Marian von Ver! Bvahahahahhahaha!!
Llance: I thought your nemisis was Marian von Wer!
Lady Marion: Don't tempt me, Llance, to 'urt you!
As they move up the stairs to there comrades a thing happened that may or may not explored in further posts!
****
Int. Upstairs kitchen
Lady Marian and Lindsey are sitting in the kitchen. Lindsey is looking at Marian lustfully!
Lady MArian: Oh, do stop, all you're doing is making the floor wet!
Lindsey: (Napkinning himself) Oh, sorry.
A large pear shaped figure moves towards our unsupecting heroine, and well Lindsey.
Lindsey: (turns around points and screams companionesquely) Ahhhhhhhhh!
Lady MArian: Ahem, that's my line!
Lindsey: Oh, sorry!
Figure: Stop this! I will not be denied my revenge!
Lady Marian: THose two sentences don't go together very well!
Figure: D**n script writers!
LAdy Marian: Hey, this is a family production!
Figure: Oh, sorry I didn't consi-
Lady Marian: THat's the problem with you mysterious figures; you never considor you dialogue!
Figure: Never the less I'm here, and now I will destroy you!
Lance stumbles into the kitchen breaking a heel on his shoe!
Lance: (Utter phobic recognition) It can't be you!
Figure: Oh, hello, Lance, Have you brought Nibbles with you?
Lance: That is a very disgusting continuity joke!
Lady Marian: What is going on?
Lance: Isn't it obvious the cheese kippers and the death of a character with a name basically the same as the Host of the Boards?
Lady Marian gives him a face of unrecognition. Lance takes it and puts it in his purse.
Lance: This is Otto!!!!
The large penguin stepped out from the shadows. Otto cackles maniacally as the scene fades to black!!!
****
Int. Kitchen
Lady Marian, Lindsay, and Lance are all looking at the terribleness that is Otto!
Otto: Now to garner the respect I deserve and to......
HE disappears quite mysteriously as the LAdy MArian and the others look very confused! Suddenly maniacal laughter that is so rife with maniacalness it is almost campy, well, let's not beat around the bush, it is campy.
Lindsey: (Naturally hiding under the table) I know that maniacal laughter!! It's-it's Mr. Thompson!!!!!
Lady Marian: What about Otto?
Lindsey: He must have gotten caught up in a spacial distortion!
Lady MArian: Well, that's the biggest plot device; I have ever heard!!!
Lance: We better get to Mike! Things are starting to get err, not quite silly!
***
Ext. Scotland
Otto: ....destroy Mills!!
Scotsman 1: Wha' yoo, talkin' aboot yer scoorvey peguine!!!
****
Quite, I think in order to return us onto the tracks I think I'll do a mid-story synopsus.
Tempus: I really don't think we need one!
Lord Mike: That's because you'd like to throw us into discontinuity!
Tempus: What's your point?
(Stop this! I'm trying to do something important so shut your pie 'ole!)
Anyway, it all started with Lord Mike and LAnce going to Lord Fortgetmenot's mansion to investigate a murder! Lady MArian, Steven, Lord Forgetmenot, Tempus, Stefan Fjord and Lord Ike are all in attendence. After looking over the victim, Emilia Beatrice Hoastess, and then split up with Marian and Mike going up stairs together, into a Wine Cellar where Lord Mike discover clues suggesting that the eveil Mr. Thompson is at work in the Forgetmenot Mansion. While in the kitchen they discover some clues and Lindsay, who is a suspect. ANyway a doorbell rings and Inspktor Blast and a constable arrive only to harrass Mike. The next post identifies teh two law officers as teh nefarious Lady Marion and Llance Boyoholis. Steven and Forgetmenot are tied up by the villains and their names are mutilated! Lady Marian, Lance and Lindsay (the all 'L' eposode) encounter the evil Otto of "The Board Wars" which attempts to atttack them only to be thwarted by the spatial anamolies of Mr. Thompson.
Find out what happens next in the next Lord Mike Post, Unknown cane time, same Cane channel!!!!
****
Lance: So let me get this straight.
Steven: Lance, it's a ruler. It can't get any straighter than that.
Lance: Can't it? I see a tiny, minute shift along its surface, that's bumped that is.
Steven: It's not the only thing round here that's tiny and minute!
Lance's Brain: Did you hear that?
Lance: What?
Lance's Brain: He just insulted you! Us, me, you, never mind.
Lance: He did?
Lance's Brain: Why do I bother?
Lance: Why do you? Anyway I've got to unkink this ruler!
Lance's Brain: Because I'm your brain, he just insulted you and leave that ruler alone! We're trapped in a cellar.
Lance: Are we?
Lance's Brain: Yes, yes you are. Otto threw you and Steven into the cellar so he could go on a murderous rampage!
Lance: Really?
Lance's Brain: Yes!
Lance: Then why am I trying to straighten this already straight ruler?
Lance's Brain: You're asking me?
Lance: Yes, I am. I think so?
Lance's Brain: Give me strength! Look, put down that ruler, no wait, pick up the ruler and bend it!
Lance: You want me to bend the ruler?
Lance's Brain: Give this man a diploma. Yes Lance, bend the ruler into the shape of a key!
Lance: But it won't be a ruler anymore, what good's a twisted unstraight ruler shaped like a key.
Lance's Brain: Work it out for yourself, I wish I was sharing Steven's head, we could go places but no I'm stuck with you!
Steve: Lance, stop staring into space as though you're trying to imitate superman looking through a wall. It won't work and besides that's the men servants' showers!
(Lance quickly looks away and then down at the ruler in his hands and an idea strikes him!)
Lance: Hang on, I've got a great idea!
(He then bangs himself on the head with the ruler.)
Steven: Why did you do that? Do I really want to ask that question?
Lance: Stops me looking through walls of the wrong kind of rooms where I'm not supposed to look through.
Steven: Yes... perhaps I'll just say you've gone mad? Wait a minute, that's it!
Lance's Brain: He called us mad! Say something, say you're not mad!
Lance: Okay, I'm not mad.
Steven: Prove it!
Lance's Brain: Come on, this is our chance. Tell him, prove to him that we're not mad. Come on Lance, say it!
Lance: Alright- Quack!
Steven: Exactly but if I take this ruler off you and bend it into the shape of a key, then it might just open the door. Bit of luck this locking us up in the stationary room!
Lance: Stationary room but that's not right, this is an old mansion in the middle of no where and Otto is Tempus' hench-bird, where's Tempus now?
Steven: Lance, I hate to say it but you actually started to make sense. Perhaps with no Lord Mike-type character present you are improving to the level of a genius?
Lance: Quack!
Steven: Or perhaps not. Though you have a point, where are the villains during all of this?
CUT TO: The Dungeon.
Tempus is hanging from chains from the ceiling while Stainless Steel Rat is in a perpetual spinning hamster-wheel kingsize.
Tempus: That Penguin, I created him, snatched him from the wastes of Antarctica embued him with evil. Taught him how to hate all others, I even dowloaded a portion of my mind into his when I was left dying. And this is how he repays me!
Stainless Steel Rat(AKA SSR): Quit your whining, just get this thing to stop moving!
Tempus: Interesting, you call yourself a scientist.
SSR: I was, the greatest scientist ever to experiment with tin foil, my mind is vastly superior to yours petty madman, even as to stain the world with your Fu Manchu-style chicanery bypassing all major copyright laws in the process, you are unoriginal and weak!
Tempus: Maybe, well no because I've always returned, evolved myself from a humble mad scientist to a Count and then to an equal beside Lord Mike, my genius is greater to yours!
SSR: Oh, really then use your great knowledge and stop this horrible torture for me.
Tempus: Simple, just stop moving, idiot!
(SSR suddenly realises that he is causing his own torture and grinds to a halt so suddenly that wheel breaks free rolling across the dungeon crushing a rack, a ducking stool, a guillotine and finally it bounces and crashes out of a window and down into the moat below.)
Tempus: Superior? Hah! A cowardly rat if ever I saw it.
(He looks about the room in embarrassment before realising that he's alone.)
Tempus: Little help here wouldn't come amiss?
CUT TO:
The Hall
(Lance and Steven are wandering along until Lance hears something.)
Lancve: Did you hear that?
Steven: Hey, who are you? Where'd Lance go, what have you done with him?
Lancve: Eh? Oh sorry, it's me. I'm using this handy 'v' I found in my pocket.
Steven: Lance- two things; One those were my pockets, Two that's my extra 'v' incase Stefan tries to take it again and three- it doesn't suit you!
Lancve: Oh, wait a mo you said two things?
Steven: Yes: One three and two except I have my special way of putting thinds in order and I'll take back that 'v'.
Lance: Ow! That hurt. Where do you think they are?
Steven: How should I know?
Lance: Because you're on good terms with the narrator, can't you ask him?
Steven: I could give it a go? Narrator, Mr Narrator, could I ask a favour from you?
Narrator: 'Slowly Belle stripped off her upper mostly sleeve revealing a glimmering shiny patch of skin that beckoned forth to be touched as it glowed in the warm moonlight and....
Don't creep up on a Narrator like that! What do you want?
Steven: Seeing as you've been absent largely from the story, could you please tell us where Otto the homicidal penguin is so we can rescue the others?
Narrator: You mean run off in the direction of the Kitchen, the cellar or the sweets' shop?
Steven: No, no we really are brave, aren't we Lance?
Lance: I fancy a chocolate teddybear.
Steven: Yes... As you can see, we're both very brave! Please?
Narrator: Um... No. Is there anything else I can do for you you two?
Lance: Yes, can you continue reading that passage?
Narrator: What's the magic word?
Lance: Quack!
Narator: Close enough.
****
Otto: Now how the heck did I get here?
Voice: I brought to you here! And through some detailed use of things I've had you throw Lance and Steven into the stationary room and turn on Tempus and SSR. The others, strangely enough, have escaped my grasp.
Otto: Can you bring Nibbles here?
Voice: Err, yes.
Nibbles pops into existance.
Nibbles: (horrified) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Otto: Come here you little yumyum!
Voice: Not now! Ike, Lindsay, Stefen, Marion, Llance, Marian, Mike and Forgetmenot are still lurking in the halls and rooms pervading their inanity!
Otto: That's a list and a half!
Voice: Quite!
Suddenly there is a puff of smoke, Emperor Martin appears in front of them.
Emperor Martin: I felt a little left out!
Simon Bufanda: If you feel left out, I suggest you throw yourself a Haff a Nice Day, Friends party!
Voice: Well, you can't be in this story, you have your own story over in "The Sheeping" thread! And Bufanda, get outta here, we needn't your tomfoolery, too!
Emperor Martin: Oh, ok.
Martin disappears as mysteriously as he appeared! Simon walks off dejectedly.
Otto: So let me get this straight, I'm Otto and then you're?
Voice: I am *** ********. You will take your orders from me or be forced back into Scotland!
Otto leaves the room.
Int hall
Otto: So I'm working for Mr. Thompson, now. I hope I don't get trapped in another epilogue, like I did when I worked for that devious Count Richard Wilden!
****
(The Door to the dungeon squeaks open loudly and in walks a shadowy form.)
Tempus: Goodness me- a shadowy form in the threshold of the door. I take it that you're trying to be sinister, dark and evil? Well you're not doing a very good job relying on cliches!
Lindsay: Where the light switch? Would you like some of my banana?
Tempus: Oh no, that can't be who I think it is, good thing I'm suspended above the ceiling or else I'd be in trouble!
(Lindsay finally presses the light switch and a barren, featureless dungeon before him.)
Lindsay: Where did everybody go? I just wanted to offer them my banana.
Tempus: They probably heard you coming.
Lindsay: Who said that? Am I going or mad or is it just the voices in my head?
Tempus: No but rather a voice above your head. You really are mad aren't you Lindsay?
Lindsay: Only if they don't eat my banana!
Lord Mike: Come on Lindsay before that evil peinguin appears!
Lady Marian: Yes, move you great walrus!
Lord Mike: Aha! I told you it was Silly David!
Lady Marian: Just shove the fool inside so we can block the door off with these bits of convenient lumber lying around the floor.
Lord Mike: Handy that, yes move Lindsay!
Lindsay: I hear voices, voices in my head!
Lord Mike: You usually do Lindsay now move inside.
(Lord Mike, Lady Marian, Lindsay wander in and close the door behind them.)
Tempus: Aha! Welcome to my evil trap Lord Mike!
(Lord Mike looks around scared.)
Lord Mike: I was right all along! It was Tempus being the murderer!
Lady Marian: You clod, you claimed that it was David a moment ago.
Lord Mike: I was toying with you my dear, trying to ascertain the true motivation behind your examinations.
Lady Marian: What?
Lord Mike: I wanted to see if you might be connected with the plot.
Tempus: On the contrary Lord Mike you have walked right into my trap!
Lord Mike: Where are you Tempus, show yourself!
(Lady Marian points upwards and slowly he too looks up to see Tempus dangling there.)
Lord Mike: Unexpected surprise! What are you doing up there?
Tempus: Isn't it obvious? I'm exercising and you have fallen into my trap!
Lady Marian: We walked freely into it.
Tempus: Exactly, you doomed yourselves!
Lord Mike: What do you mean?
Tempus: Lindsay, these two don't like your banana, they hate it and don't want any to eat!
Lady Marian: Oh dear, we're in deep Guano!
Tempus: Indeed you are.
Lindsay: My banana! My cheesy banana you don't want! I hate you I do! I hate you!
(He starts to slash out with his cheesy bana at them, escape is quite possible!)
****
As Lindsay lashes out at Lord Mike who stumbles backwards hitting a giant lever.
The chains suspending Tempus unclip from the hook on the ceiling and Tempus falls!
Tempus: Ha, I've survived larger falls than this!
He, cat-like, falls onto a convenient pile of wool.
Tempus: (untangling himself from chains) Well, that was an awfully nice gesture Mike!
Lord Mike: Yes (emphasis) AWFULLY!
Lady Marian groans as she jumps back from the banana's heinous strawberry tip!
Lord Mike: So, you thought you could defeat me through Lindsay, eh?
Tempus: Yes!
Lord Mike: Are you succeeding?
Tempus: (looking over at Lindsay as he tries to stab Marian with his banana) Well, let's just say it's still up in the air.
Lord Mike: (looking at the ceiling) You're quite right!
A big brick falls from the ceiling striking Lindsay in a cheap slapstick fashion.
Tempus: Well, that was odd.
Lord Mike: Yes, now what are you using Otto for?
Tempus: I've no idea he's no longer in my control!
Lady Marian: This could be bad!
Tempus and Lord Mike turn to look at the door as the giant penguin walks into the dungeon.
Otto: Oh good, now I don't have to carry you very far!
Tempus: By the will of Richard Wilden, I beseech you to stop!
Otto: I don't listen to Richard any more I have a new master! His name is.....
Cue Danger mouse theme tune. (I'm thinking nice tip of hat to the past!
Lord Mike Theme (composed by Matt Painter):
He's dramatic, and romantic,
Whenever there is danger he'll be there,
Conquers evil,
Quite fantastic,
And he does it all with lightly coiffured hair,
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike!
****
Int. Dungeon
As the nostalgia from the Lord Mike theme song fades from mind; Otto finds himself all alone.
Otto: Oh drat!
Int. Hall
Lord Mike, Marian, Tempus, and Lindsay are running down the hall.
Lindsay: This is getting complicated!
Suddenly they're running through a flower bed!
Lord Mike: This is..
Back into the hall.
Lord Mike: ...getting odd.
Voice: Hmm, now where'd Marion get to. The poor girl. Oh, hello good chap, have you seen a lady dressed in black!
Otto: Oh ho, how'd you escape the staionary room!? Where's Steven?
Llance: I wouldn't know where the little one would be, Hmmm!
Lady Marian: We've got to save him Otto'll moirder him!
Tempus: Good mafia impersonation!
Lady Marian: Thank you, that is if I took compliments from evil meglomaniacs!
Lord Mike runs around the corner and returns with Llance.
Lord Mike: Quickly to the Millsmobile!
Lord Ike: Aye, nert so farst, Misterrrrr Mills! Yeh, stay rrright tare!
Lord Mike: Not now Ike, Otto's the real enemy!
Llance: Now wait ol' chap, I thought it was that nice fellow Mr. Thompson, hmmm.
Lindsay: This is getting complicated!
Everyone: You've said that already!
Lindsay: Quite.
Everyone runs off as a strangely penguin shaped shadow starts to lumber towards them!
Int. Hall
Steven and Lance are stumbling about looking for Lord Mike.
Lance: I think this all has to do with Mr. Thompson!
Steven: It's nice to see that you've been paying attention finally!
Lance: I thought that since this is starting to get serious I'd better know the facts!
Lance's brain: Good show!
Lance: Thanks!
Steven: What?
Lance: Quack!
Lance's brain: And again we travel well trodden roads!
Lance: What?
Steven: I ask you that!
Lance's brain: I wasn't talking to you you dunder head!
Lance: Oh, ok.
Steven: What?
Lance: (pointing) Look it's Marian!
They run up to her and she turns, but it's not Marian. It's Marion!
Marion: Vell, vell, vell, ze piddling liddle man who talks to himzelf, and ze fool who iz ze coozin to Stefen Fjord!
Steven: Yipe!
Marion's burly guards grab Steven and Lance from behind!
Lance: Oohoo, this one's getting a bit fresh!
Guard: (winking) Ahem, I'm not that way inclined!
Steven eyes widen out of recognition!
Lance: Are you sure?
The guard hits him with a near by torch.
****
The two guards quietly lead Steven and Lance away from Lady Marion.
They take off their masks.
Steven: Lord Mike, and ....Tempus?
Tempus: Quite, I'm helping you guys because your replicates over powered me!
Lord Mike: Yes, and Llance and Ike have Marian!
Tempus: They could use her to haggle with Mr. Thompson, and then there'll be no room for other villains!
Steven: Look it's Stefen! Oh, wait never mind!
As Stefen walks down the hall Forgetmenot grabs him from behind and locks him in a room!
Ext. Suddenly, they were standing on the platform back at the tube station. Sir Mike tapped his cane on the ground for effect.
Lindsay: Tube station sir?
Lord Mike: Holy cravats! It can't be!
Paul McGann Mills: Oh, I'm afraid it is! Well I'm a possible outcome of these time disturbances, if you don't stop them they will alter your physical appearence.
Lord Mike: Into Paul McGann?
Alt. Mills: Yes.
Steven: Who are these people? (points to Lance and Tempus)
Lance+Tempus: We're People in the story!
Steven: So you're not me, right?
Lance:Quack!
Tempus: Yes!
Suddenly....
Int cab
....they're in the cab and the driver turns around!
Alt. Mills and Lord Mike: You!!!!!
Driver: Yes, it's I Mr. Thompson!
Suddenly..
Int Millsmobile
...Otto opens the cab door, only now it's the Millsmobile and not the cab, and Marian is with Mike, Lance, Steven and Tempus.
Steven: Is it me or does this Millsmobile look like the inside of a tooth paste tube?
Otto: I've found you!
Suddenly.....
Int. Millsmobile garage
......the Millsmobile is in the Mills manor garage!
Lord Mike: Now, the next time this turns into....
Int. Steven's bed room
Steven: What am I doing in my bedroom? And for that matter what are you doing here?
Lance: Quack! Let's walk!
They are walking through the park when suddenly....
Int. Stationary room
Steven: We've come Full circle!
Lance: Oh no, Marshmen!!!
Steven: Quite, except for the fact that it's a spider.
Int. hall
Steven: Quickly we've got to find the alarm clock or.....
Steven walks into a lamp post!
Steven: What the?
Lance: Well, Lord Forgetmenot's a lamp post collector!
There is a scream of agony!
Lord Mike: (running up to Steven) I told you you'd get use out of this novelty lamp post!
Lord Forgetmenot: Quite!
Steven: What's happened?
Lord Mike: Well, Mr. Thompson was defeated when you hit the lamp post, now all that we need to do is thwart the other villains, except for Tempus who went home because things were getting too odd.
Suddenly the shadow of a giant penguin approaches!
Lord Mike: Make a run for it!!!
****
Meanwhile Lady Marian has inexplicably found herself in an underground chamber. Torches burn in the walls as suddenly at the end of the room a heavy stone door slides back.
Voice: Come in Lord Ike, you have done very well in your work.
But no one enters.
Voice: Did you hear what I said or did your possible Scottish ears miss the point?
Then as Marian watches Tempus suddenly steps into the room.
Voice: Hang on a mo, you're not Lord Ike.
Tempus: Obviously I'm not. For one thing I am a brilliant scientific genius and Lord Ike is one letter short of becoming an unwanted twin!
Voice: So you came in here alone, what a stupid thing to do. You do realise who I am?
Tempus: Yes of course I do. Eh, Mr Thompson but since you've been largely absent in the proceeding I thought that I'd be blunt and expose you for the demented over the top figure that you truly are!
Voice: You mean you know who I am?
Tempus: My Spike Milliganesque servant,in reality I knew it was you. I created Otto, he was my Penguin and you stole him.
Voice: Ha! He was never your penguin, he's only doing this for a joke, so that he can get rid of you all. He will be my servant and there will be no more good or evil and you're wrong about my real secret identity.
Tempus: Oh yes I forgot Lord Forgetmenot!
Lady Marian: What?
Voice: Who's there?
Tempus: An intruder in your midst, namely Lady Marian I saw her climbing about the shadows. That machine with the others is a trap, isn't it?
Lady Marian: Tempus, I thought you'd gone home?
Tempus: Impossible Lady Marian, this maniac is holding all the keys. This mansion is a self contained dimensional cluster. Hundreds of rooms containing intricate dimensions such as the Stationary room, The Park, Steven's Bedroom.
Voice: How could you possible know that you clever, clever man?
Tempus: Simple actually, I got bored with the bits so far and read forward in the script but it's a natural result given the evidence.
Lady Marian: See you guys later then, I've gotta fly!
(Suddenly she grabs a broomstick and flies off down the corridor.)
Voice: She's escaping, seize her!
Tempus: I'm not in your employ. You should have kept that in the broomstick room?
Voice: I did but it gets so boring down here, besides her escape doesn't matter, especially when the fireworks begin!
Tempus: You're not going to let them off down here? You'll put someone's eye out!
Voice: Not down here because if that robot up there gets the slightest wiff of trouble then boom, up it goes!
Tempus: So they haven't got very long particularly when each of them had a curry and I had the salad.
Voice: Precisely but you can't stop me.
Tempus: True but I think I'll sit this action off now, getting a little too boring for me. I'll take a moment out and then pick up when everyone starts running!
CUT TO:
A flapping Penguin-like shadow appears.
Lord Mike: Make a run for it!
Lady Marian: No wait, it's me!
Lance: Look, it's a bird, it's a plane...
Steven: No Lance, it's a fly buzzing around your head!
Lance: Oh.
Lord Mike: It is Marian and she's flying on a broomstick like thing that witches use?
Steven: A what?
Lord Mike: A flying mop-type thing?
****
LAdy Marian lands nicely on the ground.
Lady Marian: We have to get out of here! He's going to blow up the building!
Lord Mike: Not now, we're trying to decide whether this is a mop or a broomstick!
Marian slaps him.
Lady Marian: WE don't have time to mess around! Tempus is down stairs buying us time! we can't sit here twiddling our thumbs!
Steven: Why doesn't Tempus have any pocket change?
Mike hits Steven.
Lord Mike: She's quite right, we a have to find Lindsay, and Forgetmenot!
Lady Marian: No, Forgetmenot is Thompson!
Lance: Well, that's an unexpected surprise!
They all get on the mop/broomstick and fly off in search of Lindsay.
Int. Underground area.
Tempus: I don't understand, why not bring the villains together as a cohesive unit?
Thompson(vo): I care not for villains nor heroes I am nuetral I wish to exist and to exist is to be Mills' arch spatial-deforming character, then so be it!
Tempus: But why not get off the fence, pick a side?
Thompson(vo): Enough of this you monkey! (Tempus disappears) Otto what is the position of Mills!
Otto: They are heading for a dungeon where Lindsay is!
Thompson: Prepare the ABD!
Otto: Yes, Mr. Thompson! Wait, what of the replicates?
Thompson: What about them?
Otto: Should I warn them of the ABD?
THompson: I see no such need.
Lord Ike: (Who walks into the chamber) Aye, boot wee doo!
Lord Ike is followed by the others.
Lady Marion: Zis iz ze vorst injuztize I've evaire 'eard!
Stefen Fjord: We be helping you and then you being doublecrossing us! Not nice is that being Mr. Thompson!
Llance: That's right, it's not very cricket, hmmm!
The replicates attack Mr. Thompson.
Mr. Thompson(vo): Ottooooooo!!!!
Otto: I have no need for weak willed spatial deformities. I'll destroy the boards on my own!! Pwahahahahahaha!!!
Will Mike and the gang find Lindsay before the ABD destruction? Will Ike and his gang of replicates over throw Mr. Thompson or will they be defeated? Will Otto finish his work before Mike can thwart him? Will I stop asking questions in time to get over to the next post? Find out next time, on Lord Michael Mills a Saga's Adventure in Murder!
****
Lord Mike and company zoom quickly out of the mansion as the ABD goes off leaving a giant crater in its wake.
Lady Marian: The doubles!
Lord Ike: Ach we'rrre oka lassie.
Steven: What the?
Llance: Hmmm, we got control of the alarm clock, didn't we, dear girl?
LAdy Marion: Ve vould ov gotten it zoonaire iv you 'adn't gotten in the vay.
Stefen Fjord: Yes! Being close to destruction we were, yes!
Tempus: Luckily I was here waiting for it to happen!
Lord Mike: What?
Tempus: Well, Otto was my pet before Thompson corrupted him. So I had to try to save him and well I succeded partly.
LAnce: This is building up to something right?
Steven: Not likely.
Lord Mike: Anyway, everthing is saved.
Lady Marian: What about them? (Indicates to the doubles)
Lord Ike: Ach, yoo donna ned ta worra 'boot oos we'rre tuckerrred frrom fightin' wit' Thompson, we'rre goin' 'ome.
Steven: Tempus?
Tempus: I've got robotic wings and webbed feet to make, too busy to play today.
Lord Mike: Right, to the Millsmobile!
Everyone gets in and the Millsmobile drives into the moonset.
