Rules for watching music tv.

No other form of tv encourages channel hopping more than watching music tv. If you have digital tv you have a choice of about 10 channels or so, all of them playing music 24 hours per day.

It is possible to watch their output for hours without a single brain cell being unduly disturbed. This requires a mixture of good karma, following some simple rules and having quick reactions on the remote control.

Its impossible for this article to improve your karma or your reaction time so here are the rules. These have been formed over years of watching music tv. They have been refined constantly and as with all good rules there are exceptions. Please feel free to add your own.

RULE 1.

Never watch any band where the lead singer has a beard. These tend to be "nu-metal" bands or old hippies. If you look carefully at Alanis Morrisette's top lip you might be pleasantly surprised as well. There are exceptions such as the House of Pain, Steeler's Wheel playing "stuck in the middle with you" from Pulp Fiction. (world class facial hair there) and all Tenacious D songs.

RULE 2.

Never watch any band were more than three band members are singing and doing the same dance steps at once and not playing an instrument. Boy bands, girl bands, S Club 7 you know the thing. The only exception to this might be early Take That numbers when you are feeling all post modern and ironic.

RULE 3.

Never watch German bands. Techno, techno, techno. Or worse Europe's "The final count down."

RULE 4.

No Big Hair. Bad perms, back combing all of that. It could be early Bon Jovi, it could be Whitney Huston, it might even be A Flock of Seagulls or Howard Jones.

RULE 5.

No Marylin Manson. 'Nuff said.

RULE 6.

No Competition winners / losers. Pop Idol, Pop Stars whatever. It's all rubbish. There is a reason why these people were previously undiscovered. They are crap.

RULE 7.

No Stock, Aitken and Waterman. No one liked it back then and for sure they don't like it now.

RULE 8.

Do not watch any video that makes over use of a fish eye lens. This includes people like Busta Rhymes, Missy Elliot and thankfully a couple of Marylin Manson videos as well (if only he would grow a beard.) This is especially important when you have had a few drinks. The sight of Missy Elliot being distorted from the middle out is funny when your are sober, when you are drunk it just makes you feel sick.

RULE 9.

No Comedy / novelty numbers. Ali G's video is funny once. The Weezer video with the Muppets in it is cool and it is a great song though.

RULE 10.

Avoid all non music offerings such as "documentaries." Exceptions are Jackass if you have strong stomach and Ren and Stimpy you don't mind going insane.

RULE 11.

Avoid Thursday nights. For some reason all the channels put out rubbish non-stop on a Thursday. All you will do is wear out the batteries on the remote control. Get down the pub instead. Totally rule at Counter Strike. Read a book if your have to.