Deckchairs
Created | Updated Mar 3, 2006
Background
A deckchair is a device which enables the human being to keep its trousers dry whilst sitting outside, generally on a beachfront.
Presumably, the name derives from the practice, normally partaken of by non-sailing types, of sitting on deck whilst aboard a sailing vessel, in the mistaken belief that the inhalation of salt-rich sea air is beneficial to the health.
The earlier models were made of two wooden rectangles hinged together with a third rectangle forming an delta shaped frame once erect. A rectangular piece of canvas, invariably candy striped, would be attached to two of the wooden rectangles providing a means of support for the human’s bottom. These models were impossible for anyone under the age of fifty-seven to erect without doing serious damage to his or her fingers.
Modern models come in a wide range of rust attracting metal, with nylon “bottom hammocks.” These models were, to the untutored, easier to erect, but the metallic quality of their bite led to a sharp rise in the number of reported deckchair attacks. These models also led to excessive irritation, a truly remarkable build up of static electricity and lashings of a vile human liquid known as arse sweat.
Mating habits
The mating habits of the deckchairs are a matter of some speculation, however, the following facts are known:
They tend to be monogamous, tending to stay in the same pair for their lifetime.
They are never ashamed to be caught in an apparently sexual embrace in public.
Habitat
The poorer couples will generally live in a green shed with a grey felt roof, whereas their richer cousins generally live in the boot (trunk for Americans) of either a Datsun Sunbeam or Ford Anglia.
Diet
Another matter for speculation is the diet of the deckchair. It is widely believed, although it has never been categorically proven, that they subsist on a diet of grease from dropped chips, seagull shit and spilt ice cream.
Evolution
It is believed that the markings of the deckchair have evolved in such a way as to deter humans from enslaving them. However, it seems that, humans being humans, seem to be attracted exclusively to deckchairs in hideous, and hitherto unseen, combinations of green and orange.
Warning
The deckchair is extremely defensive of its habitat and will, if cornered, react angrily. It is estimated that some three thousand humans are attacked by deckchairs each year, and although fatalities are rare, deckchairs can readily damage, even amputate, fingers.
