As the human race climbs the technological ladder, alien species may be taking a closer look at the day to day lives of mankind. Working on the basis that forewarned is forearmed; aliens may be monitoring every aspect of our lives from outer space. Some aliens may be taking their investigations a step further by actually abducting people in order to investigate their physiology. They may utilise anal probes to further their knowledge of Homo Sapiens.

There have been many documented cases of people being abducted by alien life forms. This Guide will help you avoid being the next story in a tabloid.

How Aliens May Choose Their Specimens

Aliens may choose their subjects for investigation by telepathy, or reading minds. They may fly above cities, towns and villages ‘listening’ to people telepathically, hoping to find evidence of intelligent thought. Obviously, if you have read this far, you are a prime example of the type of advanced intelligence that aliens might find interesting enough for them to teleport to their mother ship and perhaps anally probe you.

If you don’t want this to happen, you need a ‘ThoughTfer Titfer’ (Thought transFer prevention hat).

You Need A ThoughTfer Titfer

The ‘ThoughTfer Titfer’, (Titfer for short), utilises advanced space-age materials to shield your brain from alien mind scans. It is possibly impossible, (probably) for aliens to read your thoughts whilst wearing a Titfer. Stylish and strangely comforting, it is waterproof and keeps your brain tissue at a comfortable temperature for optimum thinking.

The Required Materials

To make a Titfer you will need:

2” wide cloth or plastic tape


Some kind of hat that covers the head tightly. A swimming cap or a 1920’s style ‘Flapper’ hat would be ideal.


Three square yards of aluminium foil. (Note: only foil marked in imperial sizes will do. Metrication introduced secret windows in aluminium foil which may allow brain thoughts to leak out).


A large sheet of newspaper about 18” x 18”. The Guardian would be ideal for this as no thought has been expended in the production of this newspaper which might interfere with your natural brain thoughts.

Make A Paper Pattern

Hold the hat open and push the paper into the hat. Push the paper against the inside and top of the hat.
Take the hat with the paper in it and put it over your head. The paper should be just above your ears and flush with the front and the back of the helmet. Pull the hat and the paper down over your head. Make sure the paper and the hat are secure against your head.
Remove the hat and the paper, taking care to keep the paper with the hat.
Use a marking pen or grease pencil and draw a line on the paper where it meets the hat.
Remove the paper from the hat and cut along the line you just made.
The paper shape is the pattern from which you will cut the 8 pieces of aluminium foil.

Cut 8 sheets of aluminium foil using the pattern you just made.

NOTE: Minimum shielding is 8 sheets of aluminium foil. Some wearers report success with Titfers using only 5 sheets of foil, but 8 sheets are recommended as the aliens may transmit a tremendous amount of energy. Use more sheets if you can get them in the hat.
Measure the width of the pattern.
Cut 8 sheets of the aluminium foil, to the width of the pattern.
Place the pattern over each sheet of foil and draw a line on the foil sheets around the edge of the pattern.
Cut out each pattern shape on the foil sheets.
You are now ready to tape each foil sheet into the hat.
Using small strips of tape, fix the foil sheets a layer at a time inside the hat following the following procedure:
Place two strips of tape on the back side of the foil, one strip 1/2" to the left of the centre and one strip 1/2" to the right of the centre. Place about half of the strip on the foil.
Place the other half of each strip to the back of the hat.
Push the foil into the hat with your hand. Make sure the foil touches the inside top of the hat.
With the foil inside the hat, pull the hat and the foil over your head.
It may take several tries to do this successfully.
It works best if you put the hat and foil on the back of your head and pull it forward over your head.
Once the foil is as flush to the hat as possible, pull the hat and the foil off your head.
Trim the excess foil about 1/4" from the sides of the hat.
Pull the hat and the foil over your head again to check how it fits. When you remove the hat and foil, hold the foil to the hat with your hand so it doesn't slip out of the hat.
If you are sure that the foil is as close to the hat as possible, trim it up to the edge of the hat with a scissors. If you are not sure that you got the foil flush to the hat, remove the hat, push the foil back into the hat and put the hat over your head again for another try.
Secure the foil sheet to the hat with 4 or 5 strips of tape on the front and 3 or 4 additional strips on the back of the hat.
You can place one or two strips of tape on the sides of the hat to hold the foil, but final taping of the sides is done last.

Place the remaining sheets of foil into the hat using the method just described.

Always start the insertion of the foil into the hat using tape on the back of the hat first. This will hold the foil secure as you pull it and the hat over your head.
Place the strips of tape at the back of the hat at different widths from the centre, so the tape does not pile up onto each other.
It is critical to get the foil as flush to the inside of the hat as possible, because each layer builds up. Extra space may prevent the insertion of the 8 sheets required for an effective thought screen.
As additional sheets of foil are added to the hat, the dimensions of the foil become less, so you trim off more of each inserted sheet.
Don't trim the foil to the edge the first time, Always try the hat and foil over your head at least twice before making the final trim and application of tape.
When all 8 sheets are cut and taped to the inside of the hat, test the hat for fit before final taping.
Secure the foil to the hat with strips of tape.

Tape the foil sheets securely to the hat with strips of tape all the way around.
Tape the sides of the hat last by holding the hat taut with one hand and applying tape strips with the other hand.
Tape over any creases or folds of foil on the inside of the helmet.
Add the finishing layer of tape over the sides of the hat and foil.
Tape any loose ends.

Apply horizontal sheets of tape over the vertical strips for a final covering.
Apply a layer of tape over the strips from the inside first, and then a layer over the outside strips of tape second.
Apply tape to any areas that need reinforcement. Remember, you will sleep with the hat on.

Your ThoughTfer Titfer is complete

Although the ThoughTfer Titfer works well without a ground for most people, some people wearing the helmet report a buzzing sound. The sound can be completely eliminated by grounding the thought screen helmet with a two wire insulated ground and two grounding rods, well connected to the foil in the helmet.

You will now be the envy of your chums as you cut a dash with your stylish Titfer. People will smile loudly at you. Some may point and tell the people they are with how stylish and elegant you look. Make no mistake, wearing the ThoughTfer Titfer will get you noticed. But this is merely an added extra. Remember to wear your Titfer at all times when you are thinking. You never know who might be listening.