1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Throw away soggy pill and retrieve cat from the bedroom.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of the wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill isn't harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing, force mouth open and flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer, fetch scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the street. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie little sh*ts front and rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it!! Hold cat's head vertical and pour two pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters!

1. Wrap in any type of food!