Exactly 100 things to do with a towel

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Most of these uses (about 95%) were taken directly from the articles: "A667253" and "A138232" and within their subsequent conversations.

1. Wear it.

When swimming - your friends may find it amusing to run off with all of your clothes, leaving you with nothing but an old towel lying around in the changing rooms. This towel is your savior. Wrap it around your waist, and you may freely roam the building once more, in an attempt to find your friends, your clothes, or a security guard.

2. Protect yourself from the Ravenous Bug-blatter Beast Of Trall with it.

The Ravenous Bug-blatter Beast Of Trall is not a beast you would want to pick a fight with. Unless you have a death wish that is. Fortunately, it so happens that the Ravenous Bug-blatter Beast Of Trall is particularly stupid, meaning if you can't see it, it can't see you. If confronted by a Ravenous Bug-blatter Beast Of Trall, cover your head with your towel, so obscuring your view of it completely and the beast will stomp off in search of prey that does not spontaneously disappear into thin air.

3. Soak nutritious substances (and/or anti-depressants) into it for easy carrying.

Useful for the more active hitchhiker who finds little time for luxuries in life, such as eating. Soak nutritious substances such as vitamin supplements, wheat germ and so forth into your towel, therefore making sure you keep your energy levels high! You may also wish to soak anti-depressants into your towel if you are on a particularly depressing planet, or for after you've sucked the wheat germ extracts.

4. Sleep under it.

When hitchhiking - you find yourself with nowhere to sleep for the night. Your towel may come in very handy to use as a blanket to sleep under, or to sleep on. If you have a particularly out-sized towel, you might want to fold it in half and sleep in it.

5. Use it for drying yourself off with.

Well what else! You couldn't have a list of uses for a towel without this one!

6. Use it to blindfold beings so you can get them to go where you want.

Sight is a powerful thing, and without it, many beings will weaken and become easily controllable. Should you wish to control a being in such a way, such as a run-away horse or giant bird you might be sitting on - blindfold it with your towel and you should have almost immediate control.

7. Use it to incapacitate security robots.

Firstly, catch the robot, using your towel as a net. Once you have the robot under the towel, he can't see where he is going (see 6.) and it's a lot easier to get at his/her/it's wiring to alter/destroy it.

8. Thread handy pieces of wire (or similar) into it.

When you have incapacitated the security robot, (See 7.) You might decide to keep him/her/it as a pet, or for use as a tactical diversion later on. This is easy if you have a couple of handy pieces of wire threaded into the sides of your towel, which you can roughly jam into the robot's emotion chip or other piece of delicate circuitry.

9. Carry useful things around the Galaxy in it.

You can place useful things in the middle of your towel, grab all the corners and use it like a bag. You could even carry more towels in your towel/bag! You can also carry food, survival supplies and a copy of "The Hitchhikers guide To The Galaxy" in your towel/bag.

10. Distract Perfectly Normal Beasts with it.

The meat from a perfectly normal beast makes a great sandwich filler - the only problem being that, in order to get the meat, you first need to catch one. Use your towel to distract a perfectly normal beast, and a friend to catch the beast. Perfectly normal beasts tend o be rather powerful, and rather fast moving, so always opt for the towel-waving if possible.

11. Use it to make a hard rock more comfortable.

Rock = hard, towel = soft. If you sit on a hard rock for very long, your backside will ache for hours afterwards, if not days. However, fold your towel into four, and place it on the rock beforehand - and your posterior will suffer much less.

12. Use it as a sunshade on hot, barely habitable planets.

Hot, barely-habitable planets can be a pain. You have to carry all of that sun-lotion, parasols, and so forth. However, this can be avoided! Use your towel as a sunshade, therefore eliminating the need for a parasol, and cuts right down on the sun-cream! Plus, at a fraction of the weight of 42 bottles of sun-lotion, it's a lot better to hitchhike with!

13. Use it as a 'Linus Blanket'

Yes, we are all a bit sensitive at heart, and when it all gets too much, we need a source of stability. In the "Peanuts" cartoons drawn by Charles Schultz, a character named Linus had a blanket he carried everywhere, hence the name "Linus Blanket". A towel makes a very effective Linus Blanket, as when the worst comes to the worst, it soaks up all of the tears a treat!

14. Use it as a sail when stranded at sea.

It's all very well having built that life-raft out of deck-chairs and old rope - but you ain't going nowhere unless you've got a sail. It is possible that you may drift upon a desert island without one - eventually, but it's a lot quicker if you harness the wind's power in your sturdy towel, and breeze home.

15. Use it to wrap your camera lenses in so they don't get covered in salt when sailing to Norway and back on a raft.

16. Use it for winning arguments about wind-speed velocity.

17. Use it as a particularly ineffective bookmark

18. Use it to wrap your sandwiches in for that fresh clean taste,

19. A one-person changing room with a "liable to fall down at any
time" door.

20. A giraffe excluder - roll it up, lay below door ... hey presto, no giraffes ... or drafts for that matter

21. After sun - soak in cold water and drape over burnt area ...

22. Use it to sit on in a naturist camp (this is a real use and a demonstration of naturist etiquette).

24. As well as lying on it whilst sunbathing, it can be used to cover sensitive bits, e.g. feet, head.

25. Soak it in cold water and use to soothe the fevered brow.

27. Use round nether regions as a nappy/diaper either for real or at a fancy dress party.

28. Use as an emergency curtain.

29. Lay it on the floor next to the bed at night so you step on it and not the cold floor first thing in the morning.

30. Drape it on the sofa to keep the sofa from collecting pet hair.

31. Snap it at people (or beasts) you wish to repel.

32. Lay it over vents to prevent things falling into them.

33. Use as part of a giant patchwork towel project.

34. Wipe dew off the windscreen in the mornings before your commute.

35. Use it to cover your car windscreen overnight to prevent the hard frost setting on it.

36. Wrap it around the bottom of the Christmas tree to hide the cheesy plastic base.

37. Wrap it around your head to hide the evidence of your embarrassing attempt at home hair color.

38. Use it as a pillow.

39. Use it to buff your shoes with (instead of your trouser leg)before going in to see your boss.

40. Use it to hide presents in.

41. Use it to mop up spillages with.

42. Use it as a field dressing.

43. Use towel as sling to fire small pebbles at people.

44. A towel as a big bib for a big baby!

45. Use as a tablecloth

46. Head cloth in the desert

47. White towels with two holes make useful ghosts

48. Just a simple decoration on a door handle

49. Use of a red towel for a Superman costume

50. Hand held catapult.

51. Impromptu shield.

52. Cover for the pipe you want people to think is a gun, so they'll leave you alone.

53. A cheap throw rug.

54. Target for your arrows, when you spend 60,000 dollars on a new bow.

55. Excuse to get out of seeing a bad movie. For example: "Sorry, You see, there was this idiot who brought a towel in, and he wouldn't quit blocking the projectors......"

56. Quick way of disarming a person of a knife. Example: "What the heck, you really intend to fight me with a towel?" Followed by: "Where the heck did my knife go? Oh, uhh, you have it now...."

57. Silencer for your lead pipe, when you just have to whack something, but don't want to make it obvious.

58. Quick cover for that shipment of weapons grade plutonium you stole from Libyan terrorists.

59. Emergency coat, in case of rain.

60. Good fire starter, when you've ran out of twigs.

61. A dog leash, or piece of rope.

62. A snapping weapon, that like a whip, can be used to scare the crap out of people.

63. Impromptu bath robe.

64. Handy means of embarrassing your friends. (Show other people their towels....)

65. Cover for whatever the heck sort of interesting rocks you've picked up, instead of slaying the rabbit for its fur....

66. Spray a nice cologne scent on your towel and place it in your drawer that you keep your under things. Also works well in your vehicle to keep any stench from reaching your olfactory glands.

67. If your towel has an interesting design, it is a great conversation starter.

68. Use as a visual aid if stranded in the middle of nowhere.

69. Thong for a sumo wrestler.

70. Fly it like a flag in front of your tent for identity proposes.

71. Fashion a Dwarf-hammock out of it.

72. Use as a private room when changing on a long road trip.

73. You can also use it as a prosthetic stomach (bundle it up) when trying to travel disguised.

74. A handy carrying Basket may be fashioned.

75. Wax your car with it.

76. Wrap it around your feet and tell your grandchildren you walked to school with these on.

77. Drape over a lampshade for that, uhhh Darkish look.

78. When surprised by the rain while biking, drape it over your head.

79. Toss over the end of a scrub brush mop to sop up dirty water from the floor you've just scrubbed.

80. Use as a scarf when hitchhiking on cold planets.

81. Use white towel to signal a surrender when outgunned by Kill-o-
zap wielding maniacs.

82. Fly Swatter.

83. Toss into the ring when you've decided that a boxing match has just gone on too long.

84. Use as last minute gift-wrap.

85. Wrap precious items in when moving, so that when they break you still have all the pieces.

86. Stuff into the mouth of hostages you want to keep quiet.

87. Use it for touching things that may be to hot for bare hands.

88. Use it to wrap up any injuries that may have occurred.

89. Try some extreme towel sports. Ex. Parachuting.

90. Use it in combination with a rope for a handy zip line.

91. Make it into a handy doorstop to keep out/in unwanted/wanted enemies/friends.

92. Stop poisonous gas from coming into a room.

93. If you are trapped in the unlikely situation where you must either make coffee or be thrown off a cliff, a suitable towel can be
used as a filter for preparing said beverage. Additionally, straining pasta, vegetables, and almost-tea are possible.

94. Towels are also useful to lay between ice cubes and a hammer if
you're making crushed ice. It prevents the ice from going everywhere.

95. Towels can be used as temporary gags.

96. If you are lucky enough to own both a towel and a plastic bag,
you can make a more comfortable "sled" for slipping down snowed-upon

97. If there happens to be a stray fire, a towel can easily put it

98. If you wrap your hand in your towel, you can smash glass from
windows without sliceing your arm up.

99. Once you have taken your towel to the point where it can no
longer successfully dry things off, it can be used just as well to
get things all wet again. A wet towel has just as many practical
advantages as a dry one.

100. A towel makes excellent camouflage- Indeed. Recently on a trip
to the Scottish Highlands, my overnight bag was all that stood between me and the world, as my luggage inadvertantly got deported at Heathrow Airport. So, facing a strange country with what I had available, I struck out to find a strong drink and a peer group. After a few too many libations, I did something obscenely biological on my pants, rendering them uninhabitable (Scotch vomit is quite rancid). Having absconded to the restroom, I proceeded to dig around in my overnight bag for something useful. I neglected to pack an extra pair of pants in the bag, not forseeing my checked luggage getting into trouble for not having the correct paperwork or visa or whatever, so I sought out some sort of facsimile. Underneath my cigarettes, Garmin GPS, sunglasses, razor, minidisc player and flashlight, I discovered my trusty green beach towel! Aside from the known uses for towels, they also make excellent replacements for airline blankets, and when rolled up also a substitute for those ridiculous horseshoe-shaped neck pillows sometimes seen on aircraft and long bus trips. After a few modifications (drawing a plaid design with a magic marker), I wrapped the towel around my waist and returned to the bar. Noticing a painting on the wall in the lounge, I discovered I had made a rough but almost passible copy of a Black Watch kilt! Now, instead of looking like a tourist who can't hold his liquor, I looked like a Scots military-type who can't hold his liquor. Camouflage... I blended in like a native! If you don't believe this lie, there was a blind gentleman in the bar who saw the whole thing- just ask him (This LAST section brought to you by caarnold2)

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