For quite some time now, children have been constructing colorful and painstakingly drawn-out lists of everything-they-want-in-their-hands-on-Christmas-morning-or-else. They are otherwise known as Christmas lists, which parents usually take and promptly lose in their purses and back pockets.

Santa is a mystical metaphor for the giver of gifts, which really doesn't make sense because its the parents that actually give the gifts. ¹ Which is funny because the parents would like to have the recognition for being such great people as to award gifts to their children for no apparent reason.

It is important to keep a few things in mind while constructing your list:

1. Begin early. September is pretty good, but October is perfect. November is pushing it. Giving the list to your parents now could cause irratation.

2. Be length-cautious. Parents are eager to please their kids with gifts after failing to be there for the rest of the time, but longer lists scare them. Order the list by preference.

3. Always always always address the reader "Dear Santa" it's cuter that way. Not to mention more effective. :)

4. Write in crayon. Same as above.

5. Fold NEATLY. If it's crumpled or torn, it could ruin your chances for getting that really spiffy GI Joe.