Weapons Of Mass Destruction
Created | Updated Dec 21, 2003
WEAPON
Anything used to inflict damage on anything else.
MASS DESTRUCTION
The complete and total damaging of anything.
In This Entry...
Weapons of Mass Destruction have become a very popular topic of discussion, especially after the recent US-led military incursion into Iraq. While the Weapons of Mass Destruction (heretofore known as WMDs) that may, or may not, have existed in Iraq are cleary very dangerous, this Guide Entry does not deal with them at all. As a matter of fact, this Guide Entry has nothing to do with nuclear missiles, biological weapons, or Saddam's allegedly lice-infested beard1. This entry deals with WMDs of a clearly more dangerous proportion. The weapons are primarily psychological, but also appear in the physical, and often hyperphysical genres.
Guilt Trips
Pack your bags, you're going on a trip! What kind? A guilt trip. These are the sort of WMDs often used by mothers to get you to visit your Great Aunt Mildred, or perhaps wash the dirty spots behind your ears.
'Well, she's very sick, you know? We only have so much time left in this world, and you'd really regret it if you don't spend more time with her.' You can't win against this tactic. The guilt is capable of completely shattering even the strongest person's resolve to not wash support hose, eat too much hard candy, or hear endless stories about Roosevelt and Churchill.
While this is a very good example of a guilt trip, the finest ever was uttered by a Ms. Enid Kapelson of Boston, MA, USA, on January 12, 1968. Said Ms. Kapelson 'If you loved me you would marry me!'2
Knee Caps Directed at Crotches
In the same fashion that residents of the American Midwest seem to be the only people experiencing tornados, only men seem to experience this form of pain. Common misconceptions abound in this topic of discussion. It is not, in fact, the member itself that the pain comes from. When erect, it is often as impervious to damage as any limb on the human body. The potential pain resides in the scrotum area. When this potential pain becomes kinetic pain it is possibly the most undesirable feeling known to man3
Another common misconception is the period between the actual attack, and the beginning of the unpleasant sensation of pain. It happens, it can be said, after a short delay. There is then a feeling of general dread4 and then a slow spreading of an intense, overpowering, but dull pain throughout the body, clearly radiating from the crotch.
While it is sure that woman feel a considerable amount of pain when kicked in this area, they should not envy men in this regard.
Small Children Practicing Football On Uncle Charlie's Shins5
Native Americans were extremely successful when practicing forms of sneak attack during their attempted defense of their lands in the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries. Your annoying, blond nephew Eric is probably just as successful when kicking you in the shin. While this does not seem as painful as it sounds, it really is. What makes this WMD especially dangerous is the fact that the kickee can not retaliate against the kicker6. The most alarming element of this WMD is clearly the repetitiveness with which this tactic can be used. As a Rockwell B1 Bomber flies low to attack it's target, little Eric is under the radar as well. And if you can't see him, he'll attack, and attack often.
Your Very Own 'Star Wars' Program
How does one defend against these attacks. In short, you can't. There's no way to stop people from sending you on guilt trips, short of hiding under a rock in Newfoundland. The same defense can be used for the other two WMDs, but not being a prick also works for the defense against crotch attacks. Is there a defense for getting your shins kicked in? No, there isn't. Psychologists and Psychiatrists have spent decades trying to decifer the minds of human children. If, as a society, we could understand why children do the assinine things they do, we would probably be better equipped to realize the stupidity of making real WMDs in the first place.
1As seen on CNN, and other 'trustworthy' news sources in December of 2003 AD2If ever experienced, be aware of possible fissures forming in the skull, and possible brain leakage3In this case, man, not mankind.4Only for those who have experienced this before. Those who have not experience this may think that the delayed reaction is a sign that everything will be okay5Soccer In North America. See Football for more info.6Or at least cannot retaliate with equal force
