Fish-based Sandwich Spreads: A Guide
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Amoung the legion of the worlds many important, ney life changing, inventions there is a segment entitled 'Culinary Inovations'. Sadly, if truth be told, this is an oft neglected area of discovery and the C.I. folder is slim to say the least. However it does contain one item which is as important to mankind as any medicine or weapon may become. That item is the Fish-based Sandwich Spread.
Essentially a paste of variable consistency designed to be spread upon bread (or other products closely resembleing bread) in order to quickly and easily fill a sanwich, the fish-based sandwich spread usually comes in one of two easily recognisable variaties.
1. 'Tuna Spread':- A good quality tuna spread is usually a mixture of small tuna flakes with mayonaise or salad cream and vinigar. In todays market they are of course also mixed with E12, E24 (Diproxy Vibelen), Tuna colourings (soil), natural tuna flavour depresant (EbYGumM) and synthetic tuna flavourings (East17). 'Tuna Spread' is suitable for anyone fond of tuna and sandwiches/toast/spoons.
2. 'Fish Paste':- One to be slightly more wary of, the generically named 'Fish Paste' can be a bringing together of many things. To satisfy the laws governing food production and sales, and therefor win over the public, a product named 'Fish Paste' needs only to have some tenuous link to the word fish or the aquatic world and resembling a paste like substance. This means a fish paste could be anything from turbot mixed with cream to a wall paper adhesive endorsed by popular BBC TV weatherman Michael Fish.
USES OF fish-based SANDWICH SPREADS:
Here are some suggested uses of fish-based sandwich spreads. For each suggestion there will be a ><> rating out of five. If some suggestions are more suited to one of the afor-mentioned variaties than the other then a separate rating will be given for each.
SPREADING BETWEEN TWO PEICES OF BREAD OR ON ONE PIECE OF TOASTED BREAD IN ORDER TO CREATE A PLEASANT TASTING SNACK.
The traditional and still most popular use of both variaties of spread is very effective at making plain peices of baked produce into interesting snacks. Spreads can be put onto dry bread for an intencely fishy flavour or a layer of butter/margarine can be added to give a more creamy and rounded taste to the snack. Any difference between suitablities is purely down to personal taste.
Both: ><> ><> ><>
SMEARING ALONG A WALL CREATING A COMPLETE TRAIL WITH WHICH TO ENSNARE TUNA/FISH LOVING, OR JUST CURIOUS, PEOPLE AND\OR ANIMALS.
When attempting to gain the attention of an ignorant aquaintance or to capture an otherwise elusive animal, people will go to more and more extreme lengths as their frustration increases. If you frustration is already at a high level and the person/animal you are attempting to capture is a lover of Tuna then help is at hand. Simply smear a trail of the spread along walls, ceilings or floors, starting at a point you know the person/animal will pass and notice up to the point where you wish to confront or trap them.
To increase your chances of attracting those who are not particualrly fond of fish, you can increase the curiosity level by making sure the walls the spread is smeared on are ones your target care for or owns.
Tuna Paste is most suitable for this task due to it's more distinctive smell.
Tuna Spread: ><> ><> ><> ><>
Fish Paste: ><> ><> ><>
APPLYING TO THE FACE AS A FOUNDATION FOR MAKEUP.
While this may initaly seem like a good idea to Drag Queens or those with severe facial blemishes due to the thickness of the paste, there are many drawbacks which should be considered before entering into this usage of fish-based sandwich spreads. Thats is that is as you apply it it will smell strongly of fish, as you wear it you and it will smell strongly of fish and after removing it you will still smell strongly of fish.
Zero:-( (Unless you are making yourself up as a fish. In which case: ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>)
ENTRY INTO 'THING THAT MOST TASTES LIKE FISH BUT ISN'T FISH SHAPED' CONTESTS HELD WITHIN SMALL AMAZONIAN TRIBES WHO ARE ALMOST ENTIRELY CUT OFF FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD.
Tuna Spread: ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Fish Paste:><> (A recent poll revealed that most mid-amazonian tribes mistake almost every brand of 'Fish Paste' to be some kind of contraceptive product)
Essentially a paste of variable consistency designed to be spread upon bread (or other products closely resembleing bread) in order to quickly and easily fill a sanwich, the fish-based sandwich spread usually comes in one of two easily recognisable variaties.
1. 'Tuna Spread':- A good quality tuna spread is usually a mixture of small tuna flakes with mayonaise or salad cream and vinigar. In todays market they are of course also mixed with E12, E24 (Diproxy Vibelen), Tuna colourings (soil), natural tuna flavour depresant (EbYGumM) and synthetic tuna flavourings (East17). 'Tuna Spread' is suitable for anyone fond of tuna and sandwiches/toast/spoons.
2. 'Fish Paste':- One to be slightly more wary of, the generically named 'Fish Paste' can be a bringing together of many things. To satisfy the laws governing food production and sales, and therefor win over the public, a product named 'Fish Paste' needs only to have some tenuous link to the word fish or the aquatic world and resembling a paste like substance. This means a fish paste could be anything from turbot mixed with cream to a wall paper adhesive endorsed by popular BBC TV weatherman Michael Fish.
USES OF fish-based SANDWICH SPREADS:
Here are some suggested uses of fish-based sandwich spreads. For each suggestion there will be a ><> rating out of five. If some suggestions are more suited to one of the afor-mentioned variaties than the other then a separate rating will be given for each.
SPREADING BETWEEN TWO PEICES OF BREAD OR ON ONE PIECE OF TOASTED BREAD IN ORDER TO CREATE A PLEASANT TASTING SNACK.
The traditional and still most popular use of both variaties of spread is very effective at making plain peices of baked produce into interesting snacks. Spreads can be put onto dry bread for an intencely fishy flavour or a layer of butter/margarine can be added to give a more creamy and rounded taste to the snack. Any difference between suitablities is purely down to personal taste.
Both: ><> ><> ><>
SMEARING ALONG A WALL CREATING A COMPLETE TRAIL WITH WHICH TO ENSNARE TUNA/FISH LOVING, OR JUST CURIOUS, PEOPLE AND\OR ANIMALS.
When attempting to gain the attention of an ignorant aquaintance or to capture an otherwise elusive animal, people will go to more and more extreme lengths as their frustration increases. If you frustration is already at a high level and the person/animal you are attempting to capture is a lover of Tuna then help is at hand. Simply smear a trail of the spread along walls, ceilings or floors, starting at a point you know the person/animal will pass and notice up to the point where you wish to confront or trap them.
To increase your chances of attracting those who are not particualrly fond of fish, you can increase the curiosity level by making sure the walls the spread is smeared on are ones your target care for or owns.
Tuna Paste is most suitable for this task due to it's more distinctive smell.
Tuna Spread: ><> ><> ><> ><>
Fish Paste: ><> ><> ><>
APPLYING TO THE FACE AS A FOUNDATION FOR MAKEUP.
While this may initaly seem like a good idea to Drag Queens or those with severe facial blemishes due to the thickness of the paste, there are many drawbacks which should be considered before entering into this usage of fish-based sandwich spreads. Thats is that is as you apply it it will smell strongly of fish, as you wear it you and it will smell strongly of fish and after removing it you will still smell strongly of fish.
Zero:-( (Unless you are making yourself up as a fish. In which case: ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>)
ENTRY INTO 'THING THAT MOST TASTES LIKE FISH BUT ISN'T FISH SHAPED' CONTESTS HELD WITHIN SMALL AMAZONIAN TRIBES WHO ARE ALMOST ENTIRELY CUT OFF FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD.
Tuna Spread: ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Fish Paste:><> (A recent poll revealed that most mid-amazonian tribes mistake almost every brand of 'Fish Paste' to be some kind of contraceptive product)
