Rats Ahoy!!
Created | Updated Nov 18, 2003
Before you read this I would like to acknowledge those who have also contributed. These people welcomed me and pretty much accepted me into their world. I would like to thank Mike Zigrosi, Marian von Wer, Lance Bayliss, and Steven Ford.
Subsidarily I'd like to thank Richard Wilden, Martin Penny, The Hurricane, Elizabeth Brideford and Pamela Rae. These people though they did not contribute to this particular story did help me come into this life.
Now onto the fun.
****
In a day and age of international espionage and Cranberry fruit juice blends we bring you the thrilling sea, err, thriller of Rats Ahoy!!
Int. the Mills Manor family room
Lord Mike, Lance and Steven are sitting leisurely by as they are on they're day off and are thusly leisurely.
Director: What!? That made about as much sense as something totally nonsensical!
(Well, excuse me, I'm just reading the script!)
Lord Mike is watching Lance attempting to play solitaire. LAnce, unfortunately, is trying to shuffle the cards and they fly all over the place. Steven who is reading a book titled "How to Identify Lampposts and Subsequently Avoid Them" gets up to get a drink of water and slides on one of the cards and falling into a replica lamppost that was in the corner of the room!
Lord Mike: (rolling his eyes) LAnce, Steven, come here and I'll tell you a tale of the fateful trip of the H.M.S. Otter's GLory and it's stunning adventure to Raeskull island to catch the pirate, Captain Stainless-Steel Beard. It all started on a nice summer day in, well, summer.....
Stock wavy dream scene change.
Steven: (scared) What's happening!?
Lord Mike: (In mid-wave) It's just the scene changing to the story!
Lance: Oh, well this is a bit of fanciness, isn't it?
Steven: (sickly) Well, this is rather like that ride at EuroDisney. It's making my stomach turn.
Lord Mike: (rolling eyes) Oh fine, narrator, please just fade to black!
Begins to fade to black.
Steven: (Anxious) No, please, no, I'm afraid of the dark!
Lord Mike: Oh, for Pete's sake! We have to change scene!
Steven: (starting to cry) Well, I'm sorry. DO you think I like having all these phobias.
Lord Mike: What can we do?
Lance: Let's jump to the next post!
Lord Mike: Fine!
They wait for the post to change not really doing anything at all!
***
When the scene finally changes it is on the HMS Otter's Glory. The brave Captain Michael K DeMillzy, on his shoulder sits his Parrot Nibbles. Next to him is his first mate Lancelot Baylis (known as Lance for the purposes of this adventure - though the reasons for this are never adaquetly explored) and on his other side Stevie Ford, the ship's Cook.
When we join Captain Michael is looking out across the sea with his telescope.
DeMillzy: I've spotted it!
Lanc: Spotted what sir?!
DeMillzy: The bit of dirt on the lense of this telescope
He wipes the dirt away and looks again.
Ford: See anything new sir?
DeMillzy: Aye, a lifeboat with a woman aboard!
Ford (excited): Did you say a woman sir?
DeMillzy: No, I said a lifeboat, then I said a woman
DeMillzy turns to Lanc
DeMillzy: Mister Lanc, bring her aboard!
Lanc: Aye cap'n
Lanc crosses to the side of the ship, lassoos the omwan from the lifeboat and pulls her aboard, banging her against the edge several time son the way. He dumps her on to the deck and the others crowd around her. DemIllzy his interested in the new arrival, Steven is interested in the fact that there is a woman in a wet dress lying in front of him and Lanc is interested in that cloud that looks a bit like a filafax.
DeMillzy: Good lady, welcome aboard Her Majesty's Ship, Otter's Glory. I am Captain Michael K Demillzy, brave and dashed enigmatic explorer of a thousand seas
Ford: But there's only three
DeMillzy: Shut up
The woman gets to her feet
Woman: I am Lady Marian, daughter of Heironomous Von Wer, the famous merchant. Our ship was boarded by the evil Captain Stainless-Steel Beard. He took the ship, the crew, my father and my sister Lissa Anne Brideford
Lanc: Hang on, if you're sisters, why have you got different surnames?
DeMillzy cuffs anc around the earhole
***
As Lanc hobbles off to nurse his earhole wounds, DeMillzy takes Lady MArian and Steven down to the galley.
DeMillzy: (talking to MArian) You are probably hungry, Stevie, fix the young lass something to eat.
Stevie: Fortunately I'd already gotten supper ready!
Lady MArian: It's only eight in the morning.
Stevie: I like to be prepared.
Stevie walks around the counter and pulls up a large platter.
Lady Marian: It-it's only jellybabies, licorice allsorts and twinkies.
Stevie: What's your point?
Before Marian can answer DeMillzy raises his hand to impede an arguement with no forseeable ending.
DeMillzy: Why did Stainless-Steel beard attack your ship? He usually only boards the most audaciouly loaded ships.
Marian: You know Stainless-Steel Beard!
DeMillzy: Err, yes, I met him in Ship Captaining School!
Stevie: I thought you and him were...
DeMillzy: I've told you, Ford, my dice don't roll that way!
Marian: (trying to ignore the last three lines) My father was carrying the world famous Silver Salt Shaker of Unst.
Stevie: For being world famous, it sure seems obscure to me, I've never heard of it!
DeMillzy: (hits Stevie with the special hitting spoon) That's because you're a cook. It's not your place to know about salt shakers!
Stevie: Umm, actually it is.
DeMillzy: Do you want a flogging?!
Stevie walks back on deck grumbling!
Suddennly the emergency bells begin to clang.
DeMillzy and Marian run up the stairs.
***
A few minutes later Stevie realises that those are the step's to the captain's cabin.
Stevie: Oi! Leave it you two, the alarm bells are ringing!
DeMillzy and Marian run back down the stairs, adjusting hair and clothing
DeMillzy: Just... um... we were just playing tiddlywinks
Stevie turns and runs up the steps to the deck, trips up and the others run over him on their hurry to get back up to the deck. Simon Bufanda, the ship's psychologist appears from one of the doors and sits on the step where Stevie is lying.
Simon (who sounds pleasingly like any other stereotypical German pyscologist): You really must stop letting people walk all over you
Drums to be inserted here if we can afford them. Unfortunately for Steveie we can afford the insertion of some drums and its not very comfortable for him.
Meanwhile, up on deck DeMillzy is looking at the approaching ship through his telescope.
DeMillzy: No need to worry lads, they're miles away!
Marian reaches over and turns DeMillzy's telescope around the right way
DeMillzy: Good God, they've sped up a bit!
***
As the ship zooms into view, it becomes appulingly apparent that this is a very dodgy model shot of a model boat in a bathtub. But more than that, there flag flying up the mast shows the tell tale skull of a Rat, with two strangely french-bread shaped items crossed beneath it.
DeMillzy: Egads! It can only be ...
Marian and DeMillzy (together): Stainless Steel Beard!
Lance (who is swabbing the deck nearby): Who?
Stevie: Weren't you listening during the last few scenes?
Lance: No.
Stevie: Why not?
Lance: I wasn't in them. So I figured they weren't that important.
Steve "accidentally" knocks Lance into the hold.
DeMillzy: They're coming closer!
It becomes apprarent that something apparently apparent is about to apprently happen. On the deck of the other ship, a man who looks remarkably like Stevie is looking at them, one eye covered by an eyepatch and the other squinted shut.
Man: Why is it that it is that it's so dark when it is indeed during the day?
Stevie: With English that bad he can only be one person!
DeMillzy: Your evil counsin Stefen McFjord?
Stevie: No, I was thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger actually.
Lance (echoing from the hold below): Maybe he's being played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Marian: That would explain the sunglasses and leather jacket at least.
***
The other boat is running right beside the Otter's Glory. DeMillzy looks down at the figure, who is still trying to see through the eyepatch.
DeMillzy: Perhaps if you opened the other eye ...
Stefen: What? Oh yes indeedy, that is so much better. (ahem) Now hand over all of what it is in your hold, all of the teasures that you have, as t'were.
Marian (saddened): Why are you taking all this from us?
Stefen: Becauuuse ........ I was being told to. Now hand it all over, please.
Stevie: You swine! If my mother's sister heard about this ...
Stefen: But it isn't the case that she will, you know. Where is the treasure I have been sent to find?
Stevie (craftily): Did you say ... everything that's in our hold?
Stefen: That is indeed what it was that I said, silly-billy English cousin that you are.
Stevie (whispers to DeMillzy): I think we should hand it all over.
DeMillzy: But ... but there's only one crate. And it's empty except for Lance, who you pushed in there.
Stevie: Exactly.
Stevie nudges DeMillzy in the ribs playfully, and winks.
DeMillzy: I'm sorry old chap, I'm not that way inclined.
Lance (echo): I can't actually hear what you're talking about up there on deck, but I should point out you've already done that gag in this story. Although it was slightly different.
DeMillzy: Oh yes. (nods) Alright Stefen, we'll give you our one and only crate.
Lance (as Stevie is putting lid on crate): Oi, Steve, no!
Stevie: No? No what?
Lance: Dunno, I can't read my script in this dark box.
They haul the box up on a crane, and deposit it on Stefen's ship. Satisfied, he sails away, back to the lair of his boss.
Marian: Why did you do that?
DeMillzy (enigmatically): Ah, but Stefen McForjd is happy now he's got our cargo, and he's sailing back to the lair of Stainless Steel Beard!
Marian: So?
DeMillzy: He's so stupid he won't even notice us following him all the way there. Stevie, set sail after that ship!
Stevie: Aye aye, skippe ...
The post ends before Stevie can finished his line
***
Steven: Hang on a minute
Lord Mike (interrupted in the middle of detailing the Otter's Glory quest): What is it now?
Steven: Well before we had Lanc, then we just had Lance
His Lordship thinks about this for a minute
Lord Mike: Tell you what...
Back on the deck of the Otter's Glory Lanc drops down from the rigging
Lanc: Did I miss something?
Stevie: Nope, you hit the floor pretty much smack on
Lanc: Good
Lanc stands up
Lanc: Who was that chap that looked just like me that you put aboard Stefen's ship
Stevie: Lance, and you're not identical
DeMillzy: Indeed, their names are spealt differently for one thing
Suddenly they are all sent flying forwards as there is an almighty crash and the ship comes to an abrupt halt
Lookout: Land ahoy!
***
The HMS Otter's Glory is capsized on a small desert island, on which is one palm tree (if we can afford it). Stefen's boat is tied to the tree, but Stefen himself is nowehere to be seen.
Stevie (shouting up to Crow's Nesy): Thanks for warning us! (to DeMillzy) We pay him too much.
DeMillzy: Who, Lanc?
Stevie: No, the lookout. Who was he anyway? He doesn't look like one of the regulars.
DeMillzy: Wasn't he the extra who played the third lamp post on the right in the final scenes of "Albino Royale"?
Stevie (thinks for a moment): I think you're right. Mind you, he was a lot thinner back then.
Lanc: Er ... land ahoy chaps.
DeMillzy: Quite right. Lady Marian, you'll stay here while Steve and I go and look for Stainless Steel Beard's hideout!
Marian: But he stole something from me! Why can't I come?
DeMillzy: Because there's only enough room on the island for two people, and I'd rather not take Lanc with me.
Lanc: Why not?
DeMillzy: You're overweight. The island will sink if you step on it. It's only made out of fibreglass, you know.
Lanc: I'm NOT overweight!
McCow appears for no explainable reason.
McCow: Yes he is!
McCow vanishes for several explainable reasons, none of which we're going to tell you.
Lanc: Oh alright. (sulks)
DeMillzy and Stevie step down the gangplank, and away onto the small island.
Marian: Don't worry Lanc. Maybe while they're away we can have an adventure of our own.
Lanc (hopefully): Really?
Marian steps on Lance's foot.
Marian: Or perhaps not.
***
DeMillzy and Stevie scout around the perimeter of an island. Given its small nature this only takes a few seconds and - due to the lack of any suitable lamp posts - Stevie walks straight into the palm tree. Immediately a secret passage in the sand opens up.
Stevie: Um, I think I broke the island
DeMillzy: No you haven't
He clips Stevie around the head with one of his flitlock pistols.
DeMillzy: But you have found the secret entrance to Stainless Steel Beard's secret lair, concealed on this secret island
Stevie: Didn't he want people to know where it was then?
DeMillzy: Evidently not (Turns back to the ship) We're going to go in, if we're not back in five minutes say something to move the plot on a bit!
Lanc: Right ho
DeMillzy: Yes, that'll do (Turns back to Stevie) right then, down we go
Both men descend into the depths of the secret island's secret lair.
***
As they scour the many similarly looking corridors, something occurs to DeMillzy.
DeMillzy: Something has occured to me.
Stevie: Would it be anything to do with these multitude of corridors being underwater?
DeMillzy: Indeed it would. How did that fiend manage to hide all the corridors?
Stevie: He's got the scene shifter working for him.
DeMillzy: Oh.
They finally come upon a huge wooden door. So huge is it, in fact, that we could only afford to build part of it, and the rest is matted in later. DeMillzy examines the lock.
DeMillzy: It's a lock alright. No doubting it.
Stevie: Does that mean it needs a key?
DeMillzy: Yes.
Stevie: Do you have a key?
DeMillzy: Not for this lock I don't.
Stevie: What a shame. (short pause) I don't either, actually.
DeMillzy: I guessed as much.
Stevie: But wait! I do have this brown bottle I found in the sand up above on the island! It has a note in it!
DeMillzy: Maybe the note tells us where to find the key.
DeMillzy snatches bottle from Steve, who cries pitifully for a second then goes calm again. DeMillzy opens the note.
Stevie: Well? What does it say??
DeMillzy (sighs): "Hello, I am a note".
***
(Something obviously very interesting is about to happen underground with DeMillzy and Stevie the cook... But we don't care what it is, so we'll show you another scene instead.)
EXT. DECK OF OTTER'S GLORY
Lanc (tugging pitifully at his leg): Stop standing on my foot - please!
(Marian, who has been gazing abstractly off into the hole on the island, starts.)
Marian: Eh? Oh, am I on your foot?
Lanc (nods sadly): Yes.
(Marian takes her foot off his.)
Marian: Sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention.
Lanc: You were standing on it since two posts ago.
Marian (enigmatically): I think it was three, Lance...
Lanc: Actually, it's "Lanc" in this story.
Marian (curiously): Is it? What for?
Lanc (shrugs): It "wasn't explored" or something.
Marian: Oh well, that's not imporatant now.
Lanc: It isn't???
Marian (sternly): No, it isn't, Lanc! What-
Lanc: Well then, what is? Something must be important...
Marian (rolls her eyes): Lance, will you stop interrupting me, please! What is-
Lanc: It's Lanc. Not Lance.
Marian: All right! (deep breath) What is important, is this: How do you talk in those double-quote-thingies? So there!
(At which point, the over-zealous scene-shifter decides to fade to black.)
Scene-shifter: Which may be just as well, the way that scene was heading....
(Quiet!)
(Now, wasn't that all fascinatingly plot-furthering, kiddies?)
Child Audience: No!
(Oh well...)
***
(Meanwhile, Simon Bufanda is haffing a little talk with Nibbles the parrot.)
Simon: So, you are disturned by the fact the you haff always believed yourself to be an otter, but now find that you are a parrot? You feel you haff lost your identity?
(Nibbles merely nods, not knowing if parrots say 'Eep'.)
Simon: Well, the way I see it, is this: It is only in this story that you have changed your identity. In fact, many of the other characters haff changed their identities as well. It is nothing to be ashamed of. This is my advice: Wait for the next story, and if things are not better then, we'll both get another scene out of it anyhow.
(They shake hands and walk out, satisfied that they've both been in two scenes now, instead of just one.)
***
While Lanc, Marian, Simon and the Parrot manage to not further the plot (although they did manage to carry out DeMillzy's orders from earlier) DeMillzy and Stevie had found a clue.
Stevie: Colonel Mustard in the Drawing room.
DeMillzy: What?
Stevie (sighs): Oh nothing.
DeMillzy: Good, now do stop interupting me. I've found a clue!
Stevie: Has it anything to do with a key?
DeMillzy: Indeed it does, me heartie!
Stevie: What?
DeMillzy (pause): Oh, just getting into the spirit of the thing. This note ... it has some attatched to it.
Stevie: What?
DeMillzy: I'll give you three guesses.
Stevie: Is it a bottle?
DeMillzy: No.
Stevie: Is it a small potted plant named Harold?
DeMillzy: Nope. I'm tired of this game. It's a key.
Stevie: That was my third guess.
DeMillzy: I'm sure it was. Now let'd put it in the lock and open this door.
They do so. They enter a large room, filled with coins. There is a single curtain on the far wall, beneath which we can see two peglegs and two feet. Although DeMillzy and Stevie don't notice them, so busy are they looking at all the money.
DeMillzy: This room ... it's huge!
Stevie: And full of coins! Glitering coins, cash, spendola! It must be Stainless Steel Beards secret treasure stash.
DeMillzy: Why do I feel a dramatic entrance coming up?
Stevie: Was it the soup? Cause if it was ...
Suddenly a large pirate type wearing two eyepatches, with two hooks and with two peglegs moves from behind the solitary curtain. And behind him, Stefen McFjord trips over a chest of drawers.
DeMillzy: It's ...
Stevie: A rat!
Stainless Steel Beard: Nah me ol' bootleggers, tis only me, yer arch nemesis fer this 'ere story. Arrr! And all that.
***
Ext. Otter's Glory
Lanc and Marian are still not furthering the plot, but little do they know that massive plot development is plowing towards them!
Lanc: Oh look A snow plow!
Marian turns to look at what Lanc has incorrectly identified as a snow plow!
Marian: That's not a snow plow!!!!
Lanc: Then what is it, Hmmmm?
Suddenly a hatch opens revealing Simon Buffanda with a cup of soothing Swiss Miss and a plate of cheesecake.
Lanc: What are doing here?
Simon: I see that you'ff found your inquizitiffness like had suggested, but more to the point I'ff come to do this! Holy Caribbean Adventure, it's the ship of Stainless-Steel Beard!
Marian: That's impossible! We've been paying very close attention to the other scenes and Stainless-Steel Beard is in the caves!
Simon: Stainless-Steel Beard may be in the caffes but his second in command Mr. Wildenly is on board that, yes Lanc!
Lanc: I suddenly have this feeling of being side tracked and deserted; what should I do?
Simon: Well, I would suggest that you mingle at more parties increase the number of friendsip bonds that you haff and so on and so forth and then I'd suggest you get rid of that dolly that you're carrying; it's only ecsstra baggage you know.
Lanc: But Marie and me are so close!
Mr. Widenly steps on the deck of the HMS Otter's Glory.
Lanc: Hello, I suppose you'd like some tea?
Mr. Wildenly: (off guard) Umm, I suppose.
Simon: Well, I'm going to return to the hold; I told Nibbles I'd help him swab the poop deck.
Marian: Don't forget to wipe!
Simon: That was a totally, but unfortunately expected, uncalled for pun!
Mr. Wildenly: I'm sorry to say that I have to abduct you to provide a suitable lure for Mr. DeMillzy.
Marian: You sure sound well educated.
Mr. Wildenly: (Dappling his face with a napkin) I was educated at Oxford and am on my internship for my doctorate in pirating!
Marian: Ahh,
(Marian and LAnc are led off at gun point by Mr. Wildenly)
***
Meanwhile on a stage not to far away...
INT. STAINLESS STEEL CAVE
(Stainless Steel Beard stumbles around for a bit as he has no eyes with which to see his way. Lindsmee, his guide, leads him in the direction of DeMillzy and Stevie)
Stainless Steel Beard: Ah har! Be that that landlubbing Captain DeMillzy?
DeMillzy (adopting a high Scots-accent) Noo, its Lindsmee, DeMillzy is the one horldin on to yurgh shoolder
Stainless Steel Beard: Ah har! In that case, take that yer landlubber!
(He spins and sweeps at Lindsmee with one of his hooks)
Lindsmee: No boss, it's me, stop stop!
Stainless Steel Beard: Lindsmee, what are y' doing over therrre?
DeMillzy (Lindmsee accent): Noo, I'm over there, yoo werre swipin in the reet direction befurgh.
***
Stevie: Have you ever thought how great it would be, to be a bottle of ink?
(DeMillzy looks at him oddly.)
DeMillzy: What, and have someone dipping a pen in my all the time?
Stevie (dissapointed): Oh... that side of it never occured to me really.
DeMillzy: What side had?
Stevie: Just the parties really...
SSB: Ah-ha, I have you now, me hearties... no, not me hearties... me anti-hearties!
DeMillzy (Lindsmee accent): Watch out, your beardness, that nasty, but strangley handsome DeMillzy is tricking you again. The real DeMillzy is still holding on to you arm...
SSB (voice over): Hmm... why would Lindsmee call DeMillzy "handsome"... unless... good grief, I have a pansy as a guide... so that would explain why he's always talking about women's underwear!
SSB: I'll have none of your type here, you big jessie!
DeMillzy: I can assure you, I don't paddle my boat in that direct-
(Stainless Steel Beard whacks out and floors DeMillzy)
Stevie: Oops...
SSB: Ah-ha, another of them!
Stevie: Oh, no... I'm just a rock, that's sitting here... um... what noise do rocks make...
(Stainless Steel Beard shoots out a fist, and shortly, Stevie is lying on the floor too).
SSB: Ah-ha. Timber me shivers! Time for a cliffhanger, me thinks.
(pause)
(Stainless Steel Bears hums a little tune to himself, until the post ends...)
***
SSB: (singing quietly) Ohhhhh, Does eat oats and goats eat oats and little lambs eat ivy, diddly doddly doo wouldn't you?
Mr. Wildenly: Umm, not really.
SSB: Who bees thar!? Freend or Foer?
Mr. Wildenly: It's me, Wildenly, your intern.
SSB: (embarrasedly) Err, not now! We harve prisnars!
Mr. Wildenly: (shaking his head) No, I've brought the others from the Otter's Glory, like you asked!
SSB: Arrr, I see, or would if I didn't harve these blarsted eyepartches on me eyes!
Marian and Lanc are attempting to move the plot along in their little part of the scene, but are resoundedly stopped due to the camera shifting back to SSB and Wildenly. Lanc, who didn't seem to understand he wasn't meant to be in scene walks up to SSB.
Lanc: Err, Marian and I were wondering why you have a rather large kidney pie on your shoulder?
SSB: Whart are you tarlkin' about! It's a parrot, you land lovin' land lover!
Lanc: Are you sure it's not apork pie, only because it looks like a rather large pork pie, and well Stevie is a bit obcessive about his jelly babies. In other words I'm a bit famished!
SSB: (deeply incensed because he has a potpurri bag hung around his neck) Yer goin' ter eat me parrot! Yer a scrundrel! ARrrr!
LAnc: That's a no to the eating of the pork pie then!
SSB: Lindsmee! Scuttle 'is farce!
Lindsmee: Aye, Aye Cap'n!
Marian: Stop!
SSB: Who be this then, me 'earty!
Marian: It is I, Marian von Wer, and I wish to avenge my father!
SSB: Yer Fautter twas a twit with er cap'ol 'T'! Hardy HAr Har!!
Marian: THat may be so but my sister was a right good gal!
DeMillzy: (awoken by the fair maiden speaking) Stainless-Steel Beard Your pirating days are over!
SSB: Nert quite!
SSB and his chronies fled to his ship, the SS Rodentia, and take Simon Buffanda with them.
DeMillzy: Should we go after him?
Stevie: (Who was awaken by the escape of a villain) I don't think so; I mean he wasn't a real good shrink was he!
Marian: It doesn't matter as long as SSB has the Silver Salt Shaker of Unst he is a great danger to the entire world!!!
The people present look at her, two stupidly and one intrigued. It's up to you to decide who look at whom how? Now if you understood that you'll understand the rest of that post, err, maybe!
***
DeMillzy takes off his tricorner hat and runs a hand through his hair - which is longer and with more ringlets and in fact more seacpatain-like than that of his alter ego Lord Mike.
DeMillzy: Alright, we'll go after them
They all rush out of the doors. A few minutes later Stefen McFjord and his crew enter, carrying a crate.
Stefen: Hello! We are home now, yes?
There is no answer. Stefen checks behind all the piles ofgold and behind the curtain.
Crewman: Any sign of them boss?
Stefen: No... odd, yes?
Crewman: What shall I do with the crate?
Stefen: Open it up, we can add the treasure to the other piles
The Crewman puts the crate on the ground, grabs a crowbar from somehwere and prises it open. Lance bursts out
Lance: At last! Stevie, what the hell did you think you were (spies Stefen) you're not Stevie (spies the crewman) and you're not the captain (spies another crewman) and you're not Lady Marian (spies another crewman) and you're not-
Stefen whacks Lance over the head with a goblet
***
As Lance slumps to the ground, Stefan paused.
Stefan: Wait a minute, yes?
Crewman: Why do you keep saying yes?
Stefan: I don't yes... um, know...
Crewman: I see...
Stefan: Anyway, this isn't Lance at all!
Crewman: It isn't?
Lance: It's isn't?
Stefan: No, yes? Look, it's just a mask!
(He bends down and pulls away the mask to reveal... a pot of yoghurt underneath.)
Stefan: Oh, well, that was a shock.
Crewman: Do you think there was a purpose for this post?
Stefan (narrows eyes): No, yes?
***
Whilst all of that was going on the Otter's Glory and the Rodentia are caught in a thrilling chase. Aboard the Rodentia SSB was yelling at his men to go quicker. Aboard the Otter's Glory DeMillzy was yelling at his men to go quicker.
DeMillzy: Go quicker!
Stevie: I'm pushing her as hard as I can, but the sails cannee take it cap'n
DeMillzy: In that case, stop pushing it and set the sails!
Stevie: Aye sir
DeMillzy: Oh and Ford
Stevie: Aye sir?
DeMillzy: Get rid of that stupid Scottish accent
Stevie: Aye sir
Lady Marian: Oh dear, I do hope we catch up with them soon or we shall never get the Salt Shaker of Unst back!
DeMillzy: Never fear good Lady Marian, the best crew on the seven seas are on the case!
Lady Marian: What? You mean the Hurricane and the crew of the good ship Ebook are around here?
DeMillzy: What? That lot of useless idiots, no busy fighting the evil Twenty-Four Carrott Fish
Lanc: I quite liked their cook meself
DeMillzy: What Jane May?
Lanc: Aye sir
DeMillzy whacks Lanc over the head with the slop bucket
***
[Int. SS Rodentia, captian's quarters]
SSB and Simon are having a session.
SImon: Yes, I think the fact that your mother was an iron maiden and your father was a mall rat are very pertinent to your career choice and your inability to commit to a relationship any further than picking an intern.
SSB: (lying on a couch) Arr, I feel thar need ter burp!
Simon: Let's explore that feeling for a minute and see if it gets us anywhere.
SSB: URRRRRP! Err, thart made me feel much bettar!
Simon: (putting fingers on chin and nodding) Good, good, I'm glad. (looks at watch) Umm, I'm afraid our session is over.
SSB: Oh!
Simon: Well, I think we made good progress today, but I think we should work on this plank walking thing. How are we ever going to form relationships if we kill everyone we have a slight problem with? Now, don't forget I charge hourly, ahem! (looks around out stretches hand)
SSB looks up and gives Simon a bag of wealthiness.
Simon: Thank you.
SSB: Lindsmee, ya big pansy, kerm and take this scrundrel ter the brig'.
Lindsmee prowls into the captain's quarters.
SSB: Stop, that prowlin'; It worries me!
Lindsmee, walking like a statesman, takes Simon to the brig'.
SSB: Arr, Wildenly, kerm in 'ere!
Wildenly walks in.
Wildenly: (smiling) Err, yes, sir?
SSB: Climb up on me shuldar 'n' be me parrot!
Wildenly: But you have a parrot?
SSB: Err, I ate it.
Wildenly climbs up on SSB's shoulder and begins to caw self consciously.
***
[Int. SS Rodentia, captian's quarters]
SSB and Simon are having a session.
SImon: Yes, I think the fact that your mother was an iron maiden and your father was a mall rat are very pertinent to your career choice and your inability to commit to a relationship any further than picking an intern.
SSB: (lying on a couch) Arr, I feel ther need ter burp!
Simon: Let's explore that feeling for a minute and see if it gets us anywhere.
SSB: URRRRRP! Err, thart made me feel much bettar!
Simon: (putting fingers on chin and nodding) Good, good, I'm glad. (looks at watch) Umm, I'm afraid our session is over.
SSB: Oh!
Simon: Well, I think we made good progress today, but I think we should work on this plank walking thing. How are we ever going to form relationships if we kill everyone we have a slight problem with? Now, don't forget I charge hourly, ahem! (looks around out stretches hand)
SSB looks up and gives Simon a bag of wealthiness.
Simon: Thank you.
SSB: Lindsmee, ya big pansy, kerm and take this scrundrel ter the brig'.
Lindsmee prowls into the captain's quarters.
SSB: Stop, that prowlin'; It worries me!
Lindsmee, walking like a statesman, takes Simon to the brig'.
SSB: Arr, Wildenly, kerm in 'ere!
Wildenly walks in.
Wildenly: (smiling) Err, yes, sir?
SSB: Climb up on me shuldar 'n' be me parrot!
Wildenly: But you have a parrot?
SSB: Err, I ate it.
Wildenly climbs up on SSB's shoulder and begins to caw self consciously.
***
Hurricane: Arr, what's that off the Starrbard side?!
Jenny May: (Lance, in the Millsmanor, swoons) It's not like anything I've ever seen!
Andrew: (the first mate of Captain Hurricane) Arr, it's a rare double post!
Short Juan Martinez: (here just to round off the cameos) Arrg, some one could be in trouble, or not.
Hurricane: Never mind, back to our own adventarr!!
THey turn their ship from the dispicable double post and continue on their, probably more interesting, adventure.
***
The Otter's Glory is still giving chase but DeMillzy has given up shouting orders at the crew and instead he and Lady Marian have retired to his cabin - no, not in that way! - where he is showing her his momentos. When we join he is showing her a photo.
DeMillzy: This is a picture of me with REM, that's me in the corner
In Mills House Steven groans.
Lord Mike: What?
Steven: That's an old joke
Lord Mike: That as may be but it's still funny!
Back to the story...
Lanc comes running into the cabin, unortunately it's the wrong cabin so he runs back out and into the right one.
Lanc: Captain, we've nearly caught up with the Rodentia!
DeMillzy leaps to his feet, but, being a tall man in a low-ceilinged cabin - bangs his head and falls back onto the bed. He gets up again, a lot slower this time.
DeMillzy: Why didn't you tell me sooner?
Lanc: Because we hadn't nearly caught up on it earlier
Lady Marian: He's got a point you know
DeMillzy: I know, but it's probably best not to encourage him. Quickly, to the deck!
***
DeMillzy races onto deck, followed by Lady Marian and Lanc. He spies the Rodentia and smiles broadly.
DeMillzy: All hands on deck!
Every puts their hands on Richard Dawkins, a seemingly unimportant character who just happens to be in this scene.
DeMillzy: What are you doing?
Lanc: Putting all hands on Dick.
(Boom-tish!)
DeMillzy: Yes, well, there's no time for all that now. We must get that Salt Shaker back.
Lady Marian: And rescue my sister Lissa.
DeMillzy: Eh?
Lady Marian: Remember when you first brought me aboard, I told you my sister had been kidnapped?
DeMillzy: Er ... of course I do.
Lady Marian: Well, nobody has mentioned it since. I didn't want to be impolite by bringing it up, but we have to find her as well.
DeMillzy: Never worry, fair lass, for wherever we find the Salt Shaker we'll find your sister, Lissa Anne Brideford. (calls) Lanc!
Lanc (disinterested): Yes?
DeMillzy (whispers): Get off to the script writer quickly! We have to write in another character in the end scenes, one I'm afraid we forgot about.
Lanc (aloud)u mean Lissa?
DeMillzy: Shh! Yes.
Lanc: That's alright, she's actually already been rescued. I did that while you lot weren't looking.
DeMillzy stares increduously at Lanc.
DeMillzy: Since when have you done any of the heroid stuff? And "off-screen" no less?
Lanc (smiles, trying desperately to tie in with DeMillzy's clever REM joke earlier): That's me in the spotlight.
DeMillzy hits Lanc with a nearby gangplank.
***
Int SS Rodentia's brig
Simon, who has been in a surprising number of scene considering his total incidental characterness, is sitting in his cell which is surprisingly close to Lissa's
Lissa: SO you think that my problems are rooted between the fact that I'm not sure that I've been rescued and the fact that I have a different surname than my sister?
Simon: (who's been doing a crossword puzzle for at least an hour and thusly not listening to Lissa's insane ramblings) Err, that sounds, umm, about right. (clasping hands and putting his chin on the point of two pointed fingers) How do you feel when you're with your sister?
Lissa: Err, good, I guess.
Before Simon could answer, in probably cliched way, thunder is heard!
Simon: Storm?
Lissa: No canons!
Simon: Oh, dear me, the continuity police are coming?!
Lissa: No, the big guns found on ships!
Simon: I have the feeling that their be some swashbuckling and a heroic rescue in the near future!
Lissa: You're a psychiatrist not a psychic!
Simon: Oh, sorry!
He sits down in his cell, dejected that he's not psychic.
Simon: Here I thought I had special powers and now I find out I'm just a common-place shrink.
THe scene ends in an endearing bit of crying form Simon.
***
Lanc falls to the deck, Richard pushes him off so Lanc instead falls down the stairwell back into the galley. DeMillzy turns to the helmsman.
DeMillzy: Take us in Mister Sulu
Sulu: Yes, Captain
DeMillzy: All cannons fire!
The Canon Sir Reginald Thurston is fired at the Rodentia, knocking Mister Wildenly over board.
Stevie: Good shot lads!
DeMillzy: No, cannon you idiots!
Dimensions in Time is fired at the Rodentia
Lady Marian: Ooh, contraversial...
DeMillzy: No, cannon! You pitiful excuse for a sailor! Who have we got down there anyway?
Stevie: Why, Dave the Naughty Salor of course
DeMillzy: I should have guessed...
Finally the proper cannons fire and a cannon ball smashes straight through the mast of the Rodentia. SSB spins around like a top on his wooden leg before being stopped by Lindsmee so that he is facng the Otter's Glory.
SSB: Damn you to hell DeMillzy!
Stevie (to Lady Marian): Am I the only one who's noticed that the captain appears to be played by Iowan Gruffud?
Lady Marian: Probably because he's Welsh and has dark hair
Stevie: Must be
***
INT. RODENTIA'S DUNGEONS
(Lissa, in her cell next to Simon's, sighs.)
Simon (starts guiltily): What's the matter?
Lissa: Oh, I don't know.
Simon: It hasn't got anything to do with the fact that I, erm, haven't been exactly paying strict heed to your, erm, conversation?
Lissa: What? Oh no. I guess I'm just bored.
Simon: Ah.
(They both sit for a few more minutes.)
(Then suddenly, the door to Lissa's cell bursts open, and Wildenly enters, shuddering slightly at the crash.)
Wildenly: Ahem?
Lissa: Have you got anything I could read? It's very dull in here with only Simon to talk to -- no offence of course.
Simon: None taken. It would be surrendering to groundless derogatory impulses to believe you meant that in an unfriendly fashion.
Wildenly: I have the honour to desire your presence, on the part of my Captain, in his quarters for interrogation.
Lissa (getting up): Oh, well, it's something to do anyway.
Simon: Do not give in to feelings of depression.
Lissa: Yes, goodbye to you too, Simon.
Wildenly: If you would kindly step this way, madam?
EXT DECK OF OTTER'S GLORY
(Lady Marian watches rather disgustedly as the Cannons are fired ineptly.)
Lady Marian (shakes her head): Why don't they get someone who can handle Canons properly?
Stevie: Can I help, Cap'n?
DeMillzy: Eh? What do you know about Cannons?
Stevie: Cannons? Oh, I thought we were talking about carrots.
(DeMillzy and Marian look at him funny, until he goes off to try to read the paper.)
Marian (frowns): I didn't know Steven was interested in the news.
DeMillzy: Not really, he's only interested in facts.
Marian: Ah. I see, an injoke.
DeMillzy: Yes, but not a particularly well-written one.
(As DeMillzy squints disapprovingly at his copy of the script, the Rodentia fires another round at the Otter's Glory.)
Marian: They don't seem to be able to shoot straight over there.
INT. CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS, RODENTIA
(Mr. Wildenly leads Lissa in to be interrogated my Stainless-Steel Beard.)
Wildenly: Right in here, madam.
SSB: Who be tharrr?
(Lindsmee, skulking in the backround, as ever, leans over and explains to SSB who has come in.)
SSB: Ahhhhh! The prisoner!
Lissa: One of them, yes. How do you do?
SSB: Verry well, thanks to ye. Now, you're going to be interrogated...
Lissa: Yes, Mr. Wildenly told me.
SSB: So are ye going to answer me questions?
Lissa: Oh, I don't know.... Why do you wear two eyepatches? It must make it a bit difficult to see where you're going.
Lindsmee: He doesn't do things by halves.
Lissa: Ah.
SSB: Answer me questions, ye wench!
Lissa (surprised): But how can I? You haven't asked me any yet!
SSB: Arrr, yes....
*****
(Somewhere, Stefen is trying to bump into lampposts, thinking it might make him as popular as Steven. Unfortunately, there are very few lampposts in the middle of the Pacific.)
***
Ext. On the deck of the Otter's Glory
The ship heaves strong to port and everyone does a sad, Star Trek attempt at falling over. Stevie comes running to DeMillzy.
Stevie: Cap'n, Cap'n, the Rodentia is shooting giant brains with the sticker 'Morbius' stuck on them, it's utterly disgusting!
Demillzy: (shouting at the Rodentia) When they said cannon they meant the lead balls you gits!
Suddenly a volley of canon balls strike the Otter's Glory, Lanc comes running up.
Lanc: Cap'n, Cap'n, we're taking on water!
The ship's doctor simply called Bones runs up.
Bones: I prescribe a diuretic!
The regular cast look at this guy and turn back to DeMillzy.
DeMillzy: (lifting his sword up) To the DeMillzylifeboat!
Everyone climbs into the DeMillzy lifeboat, well, except for Steven who jumped off the wrong side of the boat, fortunately the others paddled around the ship and picked him up.
Stevie: What's the plan?
DeMillzy: Err, we paddle over to the Rodentia and ask for Simon, Lissa and the Salt Shaker back.
Stevie: Sounds good to me!
*****
Int. Rodentia's Captian's quarters
SSB is interrogating Lissa.
Lissa: I'll never talk, never! You couldn't pry these lips open with a herd of angry wombats!
SSB: Fine we'll just sit here and anachronastically watch, oh I don't know, umm, Timelarsh!!!
Lissa: No, not Timelarsh!!!
SSB: Yes, Mwahardyharhar!!!!
Lissa: (crying as Colin Baker's face fades to the horizon line) What do want?
SSB: So what does this thing do? (twiddles the salt shaker on his hook)
Lissa: Ahh, it turns chicken soup into lutefisk!!!
SSB: What!!?
Lissa: Lutefisk, a smelly Norwegian fish.
SSB: Arr. (nods) Arr, so much evil in such a little sharker, marrvelous! Does this work on anything else?
Lissa: (looking furtively) Yeh, but not very stably.
SSB: People?
Lissa: Possibly, but sometimes it only makes them sneeze!
SSB: Isn't that pepper that makes people sneeze?
Lissa: Yes, probably.
SSB laughs maniacally as Lissa's dragged back to the brig'.
***
Int. Mills manor
Steven: (smiling with plothole exposing smugness) What happened to Hieronomous?
Lord Mike: You know what happened, he tried to kill the Doctor and drained the Helix energy and died!
Steven: No Mr. von Wer!
Lord Mike: Umm, he was killed!
Steven: Since when!?
Lord Mike: You remember the pork pie on SSB's shoulder?
Steven turns a strange, green color.
Lance: Oh, and shouldn't the people be talking in prose with he said she said, instead of script?
Lord Mike: (exasperatingly) It's too late now, so just suck it up!
Steven: Well I never!
Lance: No, you haven't, but I have!
Steven: Oh, really was it fun?
LAnce: No, my parents ruined it for me!
Lord Mike: They walked in on you?
Lance: No, they told the ride operator I was wearing platform shoes and he took me off the roller coaster. I vowed never again to go to Wumbleworld!!!
Lord Mike rolls his eyes and hits Lance with a relatively thick book.
***
As Lance whimpered off Lord Mike continued the story.
Lord Mike: Err, anyway the faithful crew of the Otter's Glory were paddling up on the Rodentia.....
Ext. DeMillzy lifeboat.
DeMillzy: Row, row, row!
LAnc: Steven, your such an idiot!
Stevie: Well, your a bigger idiot!
Marian: Your both idiots! He wants you to paddle, you twits, not fight!!
Nibbles who had, unexplainably been on DeMillzy's shoulder since they left the ship goes to scout out the Rodentia!
Stevie: (hurt) Nibbles always gets to scout out the enemy ship!
DeMillzy: THat's because he can fly!
They eventually reach the ship only having to fight a Kracken, a sea serpent, and a white sperm whale.
They slowly climbed up the side of ship, and jumped on board only to find that they'd accidently hijacked the Queen Mary!
DeMillzy: Something's not right here!
The Captain of the Queen Mary walks up.
Captain: (who has a bit of a unnaturally shiny tint) Arr, I mean how may I assist you?
Before DeMillzy answers a pensioner walks up to them
Pensioner1: (incase there are multiple pensioners) Umm, you're standing on the shuffle board court.
DeMillzy: (to the pensioner) oh, sorry! THis is supposed to be the SS Rodentia, now where is it!?
Captain: Ar, umm, I have no idea what you are speaking of!
Marian: (sniffing) I smell a beard!
Lanc: Isn't it supposed to be rat?
Stevie: I don't suppose that gag would work here since he's not the Stainless Steel Rat but instead he's Stainless Steel Beard.
Everyone looks at Stevie.
Stevie: (uncomfortable) What?
DeMillzy: THat's like the most intelligent thing you've ever said!
Marian: (snapping fingers in a 'this is an important I understand' sort of way) SSB has used the Salt Shaker and it's effects are affecting reality to those without the intelligence to notice what's happening!
Lance: Hi, everyone how are you doing?
MArian: I thought it was Lanc!
Lance: WHo's Lanc? WHat is a Lanc anyways?
DeMilly: THis is more than I can deal with! I could barely deal with Steven being cognitive, but these apparating 'e's are over the top!
Marian: Hold it together, Michael, this isn't even the scary bit!
DeMillzy: (points) Look, do you hear that?
Stevie: But if the universe isn't a Euclidian plane, but in fact, a non-Euclidian plane we could be in a bit of trouble because we won't be on p-branes but on m-branes!
Marian: THis is a plot collapse isn't it?
(Umm, it's a bit of padding)
Marian: Actually, it's a bit disturbing, DeMillzy, pay attention!!
DeMillzy snaps into awareness, and stops trying to find catches on the shuffleboard sticks.
DeMillzy: Sorry.
Umm, a few minutes later a conclusion to this post occurs!
Right about now!
***
(At which point, to avoid all the Lancs, Lances, brainy Stevens, or Stevies, and all sorts of disturbing plot changes, we will disregard continuity so far as to pretend half of that {the half we don't like} didn't happen.)
(I, shall now try to salvage this collapsing story by playing some dodgy tricks with the overall continuity-)
(Ahem!)
EXT. QUEEN MARY, aka RODENTIA
(The characters all suddenly become tired of the way things were going in the last post, so DeMillzy decides it's time to leave.)
DeMillzy (clears throat): To the DeMillzy Dingy!
(They all get in the boat and start paddling back to the Otter's Glory.)
Marian: I thought this was called the DeMillzy-Lifeboat.
DeMillzy: I'm still experimenting with catchy names for it.
Marian (nods): Ah.
EXT. RODENTIA
(SSB is interrogating Lissa again.)
SSB: Whar's the Saltshaker, girl?! Tell me!
Lindsmee (tugs at SSB's coat): Uh, Cap'n?
SSB: What is it, Lindmee? I'm tryin to do an interrogation here, arrr!
Lindsmee: Aye, Cap'n, but the girl's not here.
SSB: She i'nt?
Lindmee: No, Cap'n.
SSB (thoughtfully): Oh, well arr....
INT. ISLAND TREASURE ROOM
(Stefen stands looking at Lance, who turned out to be a pot of yogurt.)
Stefen: It was never I liked yogurt.
Fellow: Oh, but I think that's a mask too...
(He pulls off the mask, revealing...)
(The Silver Salt-Shaker of Unst!!!)
(Bet that surprised you.)
Stefen: Oh, well, it is not it is even food now, that it is useless, yes?
(He tosses it into a convenient junkpile in the treasure room.)
EXT. DEMILLZY, ERM... BOAT-THING
(DeMillzy and Marian are sitting in the boat while Stevie and Lanc row.)
Stevie: Has anyone noticed how much the word 'Paddling' is like the word 'Padding'?
(They all ignore him.)
Lanc: Can't I paddle from inside the boat?
Marian: No, there's not enough room. Besides, you're all wet.
Lanc: That's true.
Stevie: Yes, you are pretty wet. (An stunning idea hits him.) It might have something to do with the water, you know?
DeMillzy: I'd like to say something.
Marian: Well go ahead, it's your story.
DeMillzy: When we were on the Rodentia, I managed to rescue Lissa.
Marian: Really? Splendid! Where is she?
DeMillzy: Er... around here somewhere... There she is.
Hieronymous: Marian! Oh my dear daughter!
Marian: I thought you said you'd rescued Lissa?
DeMillzy (enigmatically): I thought I had...
Marian: But this is my father!
DeMillzy (enigmatically): Yes...
Hieronymous: What, no greeting for your doting father, Marian, my child?
Marian: Hullo, dad, glad your well. I heard you'd been turned into a pork pie.
Hieronymous (looks down at himself): Evidently not.
Marian: Someone's really messed up this story's continuity.
DeMillzy: Let's go back to the Rodentia and sort things out. To the DeMillzy-Little-Ship-Without-a-Sail-To-Be-Used-in-Emergencies!
Marian: We're already in it.
DeMillzy: Oh yes.
(As they start to return, the Rodentia begins firing on the boat, SSB having noticed that the person who everyone assumed was Lissa but who was really Mr. von Wer all along, had escaped, and puts a rather sizable hole into it - that is, the boat, not the escape...)
DeMillzy: Oh well, we'd better go back to the Otter's Glory then.
Marian: But it was sinking!
DeMillzy: Yes, but more slowly.
Stevie: Oh no! We're sinking! Help!
(He jumps into the boat, clinging to Marian, who gets all wet as a result. The Boat sinks faster.)
(Later...)
Marian: Finally, back at the Otter's Glory! I thought I'd give the Narrator a break.
(Thank you.)
DeMillzy: Wait a moment! If Mr. von Wer isn't Lissa...
Marian: He isn't.
DeMillzy: Then where is Lissa?
(At this moment, Lissa walks out onto the deck.)
Lissa: Hello Marian! Hello everyone.
DeMillzy: How did you get here?
Lissa: Lanc rescued me ages ago. I've been here ever since. Didn't he tell you?
(Everyone turns to Lanc.)
Lanc: I told you all a million posts ago, but no one listened.
***
Ext. Mills Manor
Lord Mike: Err, and that's it, every one is saved and the salt shaker's lost in the shuffle!
Steven: THat is insane especially the that last bit!
Lord Mike: Well, that's how it happened all those years ago and also how I got this!
Lord Mike grabs his cane, flips a catch and magically a silver salt shaker pops out.
Steven: Is that...?
Lord Mike: Quite.
Lance: (Recovered from his book accident) What accident! (Erm, recovered from the literary incident) What about Simon? You've conveniently forgotten about him, and the Otter's Glory what about that!
Lord Mike: Erm, Simon and SSB lived a wonderful life together as doctor and patient, DeMillzy used that platter of jellybabies as caulking for the ship, and as for the rest that doesn't quite get covered this happened....!
Lord Mike shakes the salt shaker on Lance's head and he turns into a duck.
LAnce: Quack quack quuaaaack!!!
Which translated means' "Oh drat not again!"
Auf Wiedersehn!
Subsidarily I'd like to thank Richard Wilden, Martin Penny, The Hurricane, Elizabeth Brideford and Pamela Rae. These people though they did not contribute to this particular story did help me come into this life.
Now onto the fun.
****
In a day and age of international espionage and Cranberry fruit juice blends we bring you the thrilling sea, err, thriller of Rats Ahoy!!
Int. the Mills Manor family room
Lord Mike, Lance and Steven are sitting leisurely by as they are on they're day off and are thusly leisurely.
Director: What!? That made about as much sense as something totally nonsensical!
(Well, excuse me, I'm just reading the script!)
Lord Mike is watching Lance attempting to play solitaire. LAnce, unfortunately, is trying to shuffle the cards and they fly all over the place. Steven who is reading a book titled "How to Identify Lampposts and Subsequently Avoid Them" gets up to get a drink of water and slides on one of the cards and falling into a replica lamppost that was in the corner of the room!
Lord Mike: (rolling his eyes) LAnce, Steven, come here and I'll tell you a tale of the fateful trip of the H.M.S. Otter's GLory and it's stunning adventure to Raeskull island to catch the pirate, Captain Stainless-Steel Beard. It all started on a nice summer day in, well, summer.....
Stock wavy dream scene change.
Steven: (scared) What's happening!?
Lord Mike: (In mid-wave) It's just the scene changing to the story!
Lance: Oh, well this is a bit of fanciness, isn't it?
Steven: (sickly) Well, this is rather like that ride at EuroDisney. It's making my stomach turn.
Lord Mike: (rolling eyes) Oh fine, narrator, please just fade to black!
Begins to fade to black.
Steven: (Anxious) No, please, no, I'm afraid of the dark!
Lord Mike: Oh, for Pete's sake! We have to change scene!
Steven: (starting to cry) Well, I'm sorry. DO you think I like having all these phobias.
Lord Mike: What can we do?
Lance: Let's jump to the next post!
Lord Mike: Fine!
They wait for the post to change not really doing anything at all!
***
When the scene finally changes it is on the HMS Otter's Glory. The brave Captain Michael K DeMillzy, on his shoulder sits his Parrot Nibbles. Next to him is his first mate Lancelot Baylis (known as Lance for the purposes of this adventure - though the reasons for this are never adaquetly explored) and on his other side Stevie Ford, the ship's Cook.
When we join Captain Michael is looking out across the sea with his telescope.
DeMillzy: I've spotted it!
Lanc: Spotted what sir?!
DeMillzy: The bit of dirt on the lense of this telescope
He wipes the dirt away and looks again.
Ford: See anything new sir?
DeMillzy: Aye, a lifeboat with a woman aboard!
Ford (excited): Did you say a woman sir?
DeMillzy: No, I said a lifeboat, then I said a woman
DeMillzy turns to Lanc
DeMillzy: Mister Lanc, bring her aboard!
Lanc: Aye cap'n
Lanc crosses to the side of the ship, lassoos the omwan from the lifeboat and pulls her aboard, banging her against the edge several time son the way. He dumps her on to the deck and the others crowd around her. DemIllzy his interested in the new arrival, Steven is interested in the fact that there is a woman in a wet dress lying in front of him and Lanc is interested in that cloud that looks a bit like a filafax.
DeMillzy: Good lady, welcome aboard Her Majesty's Ship, Otter's Glory. I am Captain Michael K Demillzy, brave and dashed enigmatic explorer of a thousand seas
Ford: But there's only three
DeMillzy: Shut up
The woman gets to her feet
Woman: I am Lady Marian, daughter of Heironomous Von Wer, the famous merchant. Our ship was boarded by the evil Captain Stainless-Steel Beard. He took the ship, the crew, my father and my sister Lissa Anne Brideford
Lanc: Hang on, if you're sisters, why have you got different surnames?
DeMillzy cuffs anc around the earhole
***
As Lanc hobbles off to nurse his earhole wounds, DeMillzy takes Lady MArian and Steven down to the galley.
DeMillzy: (talking to MArian) You are probably hungry, Stevie, fix the young lass something to eat.
Stevie: Fortunately I'd already gotten supper ready!
Lady MArian: It's only eight in the morning.
Stevie: I like to be prepared.
Stevie walks around the counter and pulls up a large platter.
Lady Marian: It-it's only jellybabies, licorice allsorts and twinkies.
Stevie: What's your point?
Before Marian can answer DeMillzy raises his hand to impede an arguement with no forseeable ending.
DeMillzy: Why did Stainless-Steel beard attack your ship? He usually only boards the most audaciouly loaded ships.
Marian: You know Stainless-Steel Beard!
DeMillzy: Err, yes, I met him in Ship Captaining School!
Stevie: I thought you and him were...
DeMillzy: I've told you, Ford, my dice don't roll that way!
Marian: (trying to ignore the last three lines) My father was carrying the world famous Silver Salt Shaker of Unst.
Stevie: For being world famous, it sure seems obscure to me, I've never heard of it!
DeMillzy: (hits Stevie with the special hitting spoon) That's because you're a cook. It's not your place to know about salt shakers!
Stevie: Umm, actually it is.
DeMillzy: Do you want a flogging?!
Stevie walks back on deck grumbling!
Suddennly the emergency bells begin to clang.
DeMillzy and Marian run up the stairs.
***
A few minutes later Stevie realises that those are the step's to the captain's cabin.
Stevie: Oi! Leave it you two, the alarm bells are ringing!
DeMillzy and Marian run back down the stairs, adjusting hair and clothing
DeMillzy: Just... um... we were just playing tiddlywinks
Stevie turns and runs up the steps to the deck, trips up and the others run over him on their hurry to get back up to the deck. Simon Bufanda, the ship's psychologist appears from one of the doors and sits on the step where Stevie is lying.
Simon (who sounds pleasingly like any other stereotypical German pyscologist): You really must stop letting people walk all over you
Drums to be inserted here if we can afford them. Unfortunately for Steveie we can afford the insertion of some drums and its not very comfortable for him.
Meanwhile, up on deck DeMillzy is looking at the approaching ship through his telescope.
DeMillzy: No need to worry lads, they're miles away!
Marian reaches over and turns DeMillzy's telescope around the right way
DeMillzy: Good God, they've sped up a bit!
***
As the ship zooms into view, it becomes appulingly apparent that this is a very dodgy model shot of a model boat in a bathtub. But more than that, there flag flying up the mast shows the tell tale skull of a Rat, with two strangely french-bread shaped items crossed beneath it.
DeMillzy: Egads! It can only be ...
Marian and DeMillzy (together): Stainless Steel Beard!
Lance (who is swabbing the deck nearby): Who?
Stevie: Weren't you listening during the last few scenes?
Lance: No.
Stevie: Why not?
Lance: I wasn't in them. So I figured they weren't that important.
Steve "accidentally" knocks Lance into the hold.
DeMillzy: They're coming closer!
It becomes apprarent that something apparently apparent is about to apprently happen. On the deck of the other ship, a man who looks remarkably like Stevie is looking at them, one eye covered by an eyepatch and the other squinted shut.
Man: Why is it that it is that it's so dark when it is indeed during the day?
Stevie: With English that bad he can only be one person!
DeMillzy: Your evil counsin Stefen McFjord?
Stevie: No, I was thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger actually.
Lance (echoing from the hold below): Maybe he's being played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Marian: That would explain the sunglasses and leather jacket at least.
***
The other boat is running right beside the Otter's Glory. DeMillzy looks down at the figure, who is still trying to see through the eyepatch.
DeMillzy: Perhaps if you opened the other eye ...
Stefen: What? Oh yes indeedy, that is so much better. (ahem) Now hand over all of what it is in your hold, all of the teasures that you have, as t'were.
Marian (saddened): Why are you taking all this from us?
Stefen: Becauuuse ........ I was being told to. Now hand it all over, please.
Stevie: You swine! If my mother's sister heard about this ...
Stefen: But it isn't the case that she will, you know. Where is the treasure I have been sent to find?
Stevie (craftily): Did you say ... everything that's in our hold?
Stefen: That is indeed what it was that I said, silly-billy English cousin that you are.
Stevie (whispers to DeMillzy): I think we should hand it all over.
DeMillzy: But ... but there's only one crate. And it's empty except for Lance, who you pushed in there.
Stevie: Exactly.
Stevie nudges DeMillzy in the ribs playfully, and winks.
DeMillzy: I'm sorry old chap, I'm not that way inclined.
Lance (echo): I can't actually hear what you're talking about up there on deck, but I should point out you've already done that gag in this story. Although it was slightly different.
DeMillzy: Oh yes. (nods) Alright Stefen, we'll give you our one and only crate.
Lance (as Stevie is putting lid on crate): Oi, Steve, no!
Stevie: No? No what?
Lance: Dunno, I can't read my script in this dark box.
They haul the box up on a crane, and deposit it on Stefen's ship. Satisfied, he sails away, back to the lair of his boss.
Marian: Why did you do that?
DeMillzy (enigmatically): Ah, but Stefen McForjd is happy now he's got our cargo, and he's sailing back to the lair of Stainless Steel Beard!
Marian: So?
DeMillzy: He's so stupid he won't even notice us following him all the way there. Stevie, set sail after that ship!
Stevie: Aye aye, skippe ...
The post ends before Stevie can finished his line
***
Steven: Hang on a minute
Lord Mike (interrupted in the middle of detailing the Otter's Glory quest): What is it now?
Steven: Well before we had Lanc, then we just had Lance
His Lordship thinks about this for a minute
Lord Mike: Tell you what...
Back on the deck of the Otter's Glory Lanc drops down from the rigging
Lanc: Did I miss something?
Stevie: Nope, you hit the floor pretty much smack on
Lanc: Good
Lanc stands up
Lanc: Who was that chap that looked just like me that you put aboard Stefen's ship
Stevie: Lance, and you're not identical
DeMillzy: Indeed, their names are spealt differently for one thing
Suddenly they are all sent flying forwards as there is an almighty crash and the ship comes to an abrupt halt
Lookout: Land ahoy!
***
The HMS Otter's Glory is capsized on a small desert island, on which is one palm tree (if we can afford it). Stefen's boat is tied to the tree, but Stefen himself is nowehere to be seen.
Stevie (shouting up to Crow's Nesy): Thanks for warning us! (to DeMillzy) We pay him too much.
DeMillzy: Who, Lanc?
Stevie: No, the lookout. Who was he anyway? He doesn't look like one of the regulars.
DeMillzy: Wasn't he the extra who played the third lamp post on the right in the final scenes of "Albino Royale"?
Stevie (thinks for a moment): I think you're right. Mind you, he was a lot thinner back then.
Lanc: Er ... land ahoy chaps.
DeMillzy: Quite right. Lady Marian, you'll stay here while Steve and I go and look for Stainless Steel Beard's hideout!
Marian: But he stole something from me! Why can't I come?
DeMillzy: Because there's only enough room on the island for two people, and I'd rather not take Lanc with me.
Lanc: Why not?
DeMillzy: You're overweight. The island will sink if you step on it. It's only made out of fibreglass, you know.
Lanc: I'm NOT overweight!
McCow appears for no explainable reason.
McCow: Yes he is!
McCow vanishes for several explainable reasons, none of which we're going to tell you.
Lanc: Oh alright. (sulks)
DeMillzy and Stevie step down the gangplank, and away onto the small island.
Marian: Don't worry Lanc. Maybe while they're away we can have an adventure of our own.
Lanc (hopefully): Really?
Marian steps on Lance's foot.
Marian: Or perhaps not.
***
DeMillzy and Stevie scout around the perimeter of an island. Given its small nature this only takes a few seconds and - due to the lack of any suitable lamp posts - Stevie walks straight into the palm tree. Immediately a secret passage in the sand opens up.
Stevie: Um, I think I broke the island
DeMillzy: No you haven't
He clips Stevie around the head with one of his flitlock pistols.
DeMillzy: But you have found the secret entrance to Stainless Steel Beard's secret lair, concealed on this secret island
Stevie: Didn't he want people to know where it was then?
DeMillzy: Evidently not (Turns back to the ship) We're going to go in, if we're not back in five minutes say something to move the plot on a bit!
Lanc: Right ho
DeMillzy: Yes, that'll do (Turns back to Stevie) right then, down we go
Both men descend into the depths of the secret island's secret lair.
***
As they scour the many similarly looking corridors, something occurs to DeMillzy.
DeMillzy: Something has occured to me.
Stevie: Would it be anything to do with these multitude of corridors being underwater?
DeMillzy: Indeed it would. How did that fiend manage to hide all the corridors?
Stevie: He's got the scene shifter working for him.
DeMillzy: Oh.
They finally come upon a huge wooden door. So huge is it, in fact, that we could only afford to build part of it, and the rest is matted in later. DeMillzy examines the lock.
DeMillzy: It's a lock alright. No doubting it.
Stevie: Does that mean it needs a key?
DeMillzy: Yes.
Stevie: Do you have a key?
DeMillzy: Not for this lock I don't.
Stevie: What a shame. (short pause) I don't either, actually.
DeMillzy: I guessed as much.
Stevie: But wait! I do have this brown bottle I found in the sand up above on the island! It has a note in it!
DeMillzy: Maybe the note tells us where to find the key.
DeMillzy snatches bottle from Steve, who cries pitifully for a second then goes calm again. DeMillzy opens the note.
Stevie: Well? What does it say??
DeMillzy (sighs): "Hello, I am a note".
***
(Something obviously very interesting is about to happen underground with DeMillzy and Stevie the cook... But we don't care what it is, so we'll show you another scene instead.)
EXT. DECK OF OTTER'S GLORY
Lanc (tugging pitifully at his leg): Stop standing on my foot - please!
(Marian, who has been gazing abstractly off into the hole on the island, starts.)
Marian: Eh? Oh, am I on your foot?
Lanc (nods sadly): Yes.
(Marian takes her foot off his.)
Marian: Sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention.
Lanc: You were standing on it since two posts ago.
Marian (enigmatically): I think it was three, Lance...
Lanc: Actually, it's "Lanc" in this story.
Marian (curiously): Is it? What for?
Lanc (shrugs): It "wasn't explored" or something.
Marian: Oh well, that's not imporatant now.
Lanc: It isn't???
Marian (sternly): No, it isn't, Lanc! What-
Lanc: Well then, what is? Something must be important...
Marian (rolls her eyes): Lance, will you stop interrupting me, please! What is-
Lanc: It's Lanc. Not Lance.
Marian: All right! (deep breath) What is important, is this: How do you talk in those double-quote-thingies? So there!
(At which point, the over-zealous scene-shifter decides to fade to black.)
Scene-shifter: Which may be just as well, the way that scene was heading....
(Quiet!)
(Now, wasn't that all fascinatingly plot-furthering, kiddies?)
Child Audience: No!
(Oh well...)
***
(Meanwhile, Simon Bufanda is haffing a little talk with Nibbles the parrot.)
Simon: So, you are disturned by the fact the you haff always believed yourself to be an otter, but now find that you are a parrot? You feel you haff lost your identity?
(Nibbles merely nods, not knowing if parrots say 'Eep'.)
Simon: Well, the way I see it, is this: It is only in this story that you have changed your identity. In fact, many of the other characters haff changed their identities as well. It is nothing to be ashamed of. This is my advice: Wait for the next story, and if things are not better then, we'll both get another scene out of it anyhow.
(They shake hands and walk out, satisfied that they've both been in two scenes now, instead of just one.)
***
While Lanc, Marian, Simon and the Parrot manage to not further the plot (although they did manage to carry out DeMillzy's orders from earlier) DeMillzy and Stevie had found a clue.
Stevie: Colonel Mustard in the Drawing room.
DeMillzy: What?
Stevie (sighs): Oh nothing.
DeMillzy: Good, now do stop interupting me. I've found a clue!
Stevie: Has it anything to do with a key?
DeMillzy: Indeed it does, me heartie!
Stevie: What?
DeMillzy (pause): Oh, just getting into the spirit of the thing. This note ... it has some attatched to it.
Stevie: What?
DeMillzy: I'll give you three guesses.
Stevie: Is it a bottle?
DeMillzy: No.
Stevie: Is it a small potted plant named Harold?
DeMillzy: Nope. I'm tired of this game. It's a key.
Stevie: That was my third guess.
DeMillzy: I'm sure it was. Now let'd put it in the lock and open this door.
They do so. They enter a large room, filled with coins. There is a single curtain on the far wall, beneath which we can see two peglegs and two feet. Although DeMillzy and Stevie don't notice them, so busy are they looking at all the money.
DeMillzy: This room ... it's huge!
Stevie: And full of coins! Glitering coins, cash, spendola! It must be Stainless Steel Beards secret treasure stash.
DeMillzy: Why do I feel a dramatic entrance coming up?
Stevie: Was it the soup? Cause if it was ...
Suddenly a large pirate type wearing two eyepatches, with two hooks and with two peglegs moves from behind the solitary curtain. And behind him, Stefen McFjord trips over a chest of drawers.
DeMillzy: It's ...
Stevie: A rat!
Stainless Steel Beard: Nah me ol' bootleggers, tis only me, yer arch nemesis fer this 'ere story. Arrr! And all that.
***
Ext. Otter's Glory
Lanc and Marian are still not furthering the plot, but little do they know that massive plot development is plowing towards them!
Lanc: Oh look A snow plow!
Marian turns to look at what Lanc has incorrectly identified as a snow plow!
Marian: That's not a snow plow!!!!
Lanc: Then what is it, Hmmmm?
Suddenly a hatch opens revealing Simon Buffanda with a cup of soothing Swiss Miss and a plate of cheesecake.
Lanc: What are doing here?
Simon: I see that you'ff found your inquizitiffness like had suggested, but more to the point I'ff come to do this! Holy Caribbean Adventure, it's the ship of Stainless-Steel Beard!
Marian: That's impossible! We've been paying very close attention to the other scenes and Stainless-Steel Beard is in the caves!
Simon: Stainless-Steel Beard may be in the caffes but his second in command Mr. Wildenly is on board that, yes Lanc!
Lanc: I suddenly have this feeling of being side tracked and deserted; what should I do?
Simon: Well, I would suggest that you mingle at more parties increase the number of friendsip bonds that you haff and so on and so forth and then I'd suggest you get rid of that dolly that you're carrying; it's only ecsstra baggage you know.
Lanc: But Marie and me are so close!
Mr. Widenly steps on the deck of the HMS Otter's Glory.
Lanc: Hello, I suppose you'd like some tea?
Mr. Wildenly: (off guard) Umm, I suppose.
Simon: Well, I'm going to return to the hold; I told Nibbles I'd help him swab the poop deck.
Marian: Don't forget to wipe!
Simon: That was a totally, but unfortunately expected, uncalled for pun!
Mr. Wildenly: I'm sorry to say that I have to abduct you to provide a suitable lure for Mr. DeMillzy.
Marian: You sure sound well educated.
Mr. Wildenly: (Dappling his face with a napkin) I was educated at Oxford and am on my internship for my doctorate in pirating!
Marian: Ahh,
(Marian and LAnc are led off at gun point by Mr. Wildenly)
***
Meanwhile on a stage not to far away...
INT. STAINLESS STEEL CAVE
(Stainless Steel Beard stumbles around for a bit as he has no eyes with which to see his way. Lindsmee, his guide, leads him in the direction of DeMillzy and Stevie)
Stainless Steel Beard: Ah har! Be that that landlubbing Captain DeMillzy?
DeMillzy (adopting a high Scots-accent) Noo, its Lindsmee, DeMillzy is the one horldin on to yurgh shoolder
Stainless Steel Beard: Ah har! In that case, take that yer landlubber!
(He spins and sweeps at Lindsmee with one of his hooks)
Lindsmee: No boss, it's me, stop stop!
Stainless Steel Beard: Lindsmee, what are y' doing over therrre?
DeMillzy (Lindmsee accent): Noo, I'm over there, yoo werre swipin in the reet direction befurgh.
***
Stevie: Have you ever thought how great it would be, to be a bottle of ink?
(DeMillzy looks at him oddly.)
DeMillzy: What, and have someone dipping a pen in my all the time?
Stevie (dissapointed): Oh... that side of it never occured to me really.
DeMillzy: What side had?
Stevie: Just the parties really...
SSB: Ah-ha, I have you now, me hearties... no, not me hearties... me anti-hearties!
DeMillzy (Lindsmee accent): Watch out, your beardness, that nasty, but strangley handsome DeMillzy is tricking you again. The real DeMillzy is still holding on to you arm...
SSB (voice over): Hmm... why would Lindsmee call DeMillzy "handsome"... unless... good grief, I have a pansy as a guide... so that would explain why he's always talking about women's underwear!
SSB: I'll have none of your type here, you big jessie!
DeMillzy: I can assure you, I don't paddle my boat in that direct-
(Stainless Steel Beard whacks out and floors DeMillzy)
Stevie: Oops...
SSB: Ah-ha, another of them!
Stevie: Oh, no... I'm just a rock, that's sitting here... um... what noise do rocks make...
(Stainless Steel Beard shoots out a fist, and shortly, Stevie is lying on the floor too).
SSB: Ah-ha. Timber me shivers! Time for a cliffhanger, me thinks.
(pause)
(Stainless Steel Bears hums a little tune to himself, until the post ends...)
***
SSB: (singing quietly) Ohhhhh, Does eat oats and goats eat oats and little lambs eat ivy, diddly doddly doo wouldn't you?
Mr. Wildenly: Umm, not really.
SSB: Who bees thar!? Freend or Foer?
Mr. Wildenly: It's me, Wildenly, your intern.
SSB: (embarrasedly) Err, not now! We harve prisnars!
Mr. Wildenly: (shaking his head) No, I've brought the others from the Otter's Glory, like you asked!
SSB: Arrr, I see, or would if I didn't harve these blarsted eyepartches on me eyes!
Marian and Lanc are attempting to move the plot along in their little part of the scene, but are resoundedly stopped due to the camera shifting back to SSB and Wildenly. Lanc, who didn't seem to understand he wasn't meant to be in scene walks up to SSB.
Lanc: Err, Marian and I were wondering why you have a rather large kidney pie on your shoulder?
SSB: Whart are you tarlkin' about! It's a parrot, you land lovin' land lover!
Lanc: Are you sure it's not apork pie, only because it looks like a rather large pork pie, and well Stevie is a bit obcessive about his jelly babies. In other words I'm a bit famished!
SSB: (deeply incensed because he has a potpurri bag hung around his neck) Yer goin' ter eat me parrot! Yer a scrundrel! ARrrr!
LAnc: That's a no to the eating of the pork pie then!
SSB: Lindsmee! Scuttle 'is farce!
Lindsmee: Aye, Aye Cap'n!
Marian: Stop!
SSB: Who be this then, me 'earty!
Marian: It is I, Marian von Wer, and I wish to avenge my father!
SSB: Yer Fautter twas a twit with er cap'ol 'T'! Hardy HAr Har!!
Marian: THat may be so but my sister was a right good gal!
DeMillzy: (awoken by the fair maiden speaking) Stainless-Steel Beard Your pirating days are over!
SSB: Nert quite!
SSB and his chronies fled to his ship, the SS Rodentia, and take Simon Buffanda with them.
DeMillzy: Should we go after him?
Stevie: (Who was awaken by the escape of a villain) I don't think so; I mean he wasn't a real good shrink was he!
Marian: It doesn't matter as long as SSB has the Silver Salt Shaker of Unst he is a great danger to the entire world!!!
The people present look at her, two stupidly and one intrigued. It's up to you to decide who look at whom how? Now if you understood that you'll understand the rest of that post, err, maybe!
***
DeMillzy takes off his tricorner hat and runs a hand through his hair - which is longer and with more ringlets and in fact more seacpatain-like than that of his alter ego Lord Mike.
DeMillzy: Alright, we'll go after them
They all rush out of the doors. A few minutes later Stefen McFjord and his crew enter, carrying a crate.
Stefen: Hello! We are home now, yes?
There is no answer. Stefen checks behind all the piles ofgold and behind the curtain.
Crewman: Any sign of them boss?
Stefen: No... odd, yes?
Crewman: What shall I do with the crate?
Stefen: Open it up, we can add the treasure to the other piles
The Crewman puts the crate on the ground, grabs a crowbar from somehwere and prises it open. Lance bursts out
Lance: At last! Stevie, what the hell did you think you were (spies Stefen) you're not Stevie (spies the crewman) and you're not the captain (spies another crewman) and you're not Lady Marian (spies another crewman) and you're not-
Stefen whacks Lance over the head with a goblet
***
As Lance slumps to the ground, Stefan paused.
Stefan: Wait a minute, yes?
Crewman: Why do you keep saying yes?
Stefan: I don't yes... um, know...
Crewman: I see...
Stefan: Anyway, this isn't Lance at all!
Crewman: It isn't?
Lance: It's isn't?
Stefan: No, yes? Look, it's just a mask!
(He bends down and pulls away the mask to reveal... a pot of yoghurt underneath.)
Stefan: Oh, well, that was a shock.
Crewman: Do you think there was a purpose for this post?
Stefan (narrows eyes): No, yes?
***
Whilst all of that was going on the Otter's Glory and the Rodentia are caught in a thrilling chase. Aboard the Rodentia SSB was yelling at his men to go quicker. Aboard the Otter's Glory DeMillzy was yelling at his men to go quicker.
DeMillzy: Go quicker!
Stevie: I'm pushing her as hard as I can, but the sails cannee take it cap'n
DeMillzy: In that case, stop pushing it and set the sails!
Stevie: Aye sir
DeMillzy: Oh and Ford
Stevie: Aye sir?
DeMillzy: Get rid of that stupid Scottish accent
Stevie: Aye sir
Lady Marian: Oh dear, I do hope we catch up with them soon or we shall never get the Salt Shaker of Unst back!
DeMillzy: Never fear good Lady Marian, the best crew on the seven seas are on the case!
Lady Marian: What? You mean the Hurricane and the crew of the good ship Ebook are around here?
DeMillzy: What? That lot of useless idiots, no busy fighting the evil Twenty-Four Carrott Fish
Lanc: I quite liked their cook meself
DeMillzy: What Jane May?
Lanc: Aye sir
DeMillzy whacks Lanc over the head with the slop bucket
***
[Int. SS Rodentia, captian's quarters]
SSB and Simon are having a session.
SImon: Yes, I think the fact that your mother was an iron maiden and your father was a mall rat are very pertinent to your career choice and your inability to commit to a relationship any further than picking an intern.
SSB: (lying on a couch) Arr, I feel thar need ter burp!
Simon: Let's explore that feeling for a minute and see if it gets us anywhere.
SSB: URRRRRP! Err, thart made me feel much bettar!
Simon: (putting fingers on chin and nodding) Good, good, I'm glad. (looks at watch) Umm, I'm afraid our session is over.
SSB: Oh!
Simon: Well, I think we made good progress today, but I think we should work on this plank walking thing. How are we ever going to form relationships if we kill everyone we have a slight problem with? Now, don't forget I charge hourly, ahem! (looks around out stretches hand)
SSB looks up and gives Simon a bag of wealthiness.
Simon: Thank you.
SSB: Lindsmee, ya big pansy, kerm and take this scrundrel ter the brig'.
Lindsmee prowls into the captain's quarters.
SSB: Stop, that prowlin'; It worries me!
Lindsmee, walking like a statesman, takes Simon to the brig'.
SSB: Arr, Wildenly, kerm in 'ere!
Wildenly walks in.
Wildenly: (smiling) Err, yes, sir?
SSB: Climb up on me shuldar 'n' be me parrot!
Wildenly: But you have a parrot?
SSB: Err, I ate it.
Wildenly climbs up on SSB's shoulder and begins to caw self consciously.
***
[Int. SS Rodentia, captian's quarters]
SSB and Simon are having a session.
SImon: Yes, I think the fact that your mother was an iron maiden and your father was a mall rat are very pertinent to your career choice and your inability to commit to a relationship any further than picking an intern.
SSB: (lying on a couch) Arr, I feel ther need ter burp!
Simon: Let's explore that feeling for a minute and see if it gets us anywhere.
SSB: URRRRRP! Err, thart made me feel much bettar!
Simon: (putting fingers on chin and nodding) Good, good, I'm glad. (looks at watch) Umm, I'm afraid our session is over.
SSB: Oh!
Simon: Well, I think we made good progress today, but I think we should work on this plank walking thing. How are we ever going to form relationships if we kill everyone we have a slight problem with? Now, don't forget I charge hourly, ahem! (looks around out stretches hand)
SSB looks up and gives Simon a bag of wealthiness.
Simon: Thank you.
SSB: Lindsmee, ya big pansy, kerm and take this scrundrel ter the brig'.
Lindsmee prowls into the captain's quarters.
SSB: Stop, that prowlin'; It worries me!
Lindsmee, walking like a statesman, takes Simon to the brig'.
SSB: Arr, Wildenly, kerm in 'ere!
Wildenly walks in.
Wildenly: (smiling) Err, yes, sir?
SSB: Climb up on me shuldar 'n' be me parrot!
Wildenly: But you have a parrot?
SSB: Err, I ate it.
Wildenly climbs up on SSB's shoulder and begins to caw self consciously.
***
Hurricane: Arr, what's that off the Starrbard side?!
Jenny May: (Lance, in the Millsmanor, swoons) It's not like anything I've ever seen!
Andrew: (the first mate of Captain Hurricane) Arr, it's a rare double post!
Short Juan Martinez: (here just to round off the cameos) Arrg, some one could be in trouble, or not.
Hurricane: Never mind, back to our own adventarr!!
THey turn their ship from the dispicable double post and continue on their, probably more interesting, adventure.
***
The Otter's Glory is still giving chase but DeMillzy has given up shouting orders at the crew and instead he and Lady Marian have retired to his cabin - no, not in that way! - where he is showing her his momentos. When we join he is showing her a photo.
DeMillzy: This is a picture of me with REM, that's me in the corner
In Mills House Steven groans.
Lord Mike: What?
Steven: That's an old joke
Lord Mike: That as may be but it's still funny!
Back to the story...
Lanc comes running into the cabin, unortunately it's the wrong cabin so he runs back out and into the right one.
Lanc: Captain, we've nearly caught up with the Rodentia!
DeMillzy leaps to his feet, but, being a tall man in a low-ceilinged cabin - bangs his head and falls back onto the bed. He gets up again, a lot slower this time.
DeMillzy: Why didn't you tell me sooner?
Lanc: Because we hadn't nearly caught up on it earlier
Lady Marian: He's got a point you know
DeMillzy: I know, but it's probably best not to encourage him. Quickly, to the deck!
***
DeMillzy races onto deck, followed by Lady Marian and Lanc. He spies the Rodentia and smiles broadly.
DeMillzy: All hands on deck!
Every puts their hands on Richard Dawkins, a seemingly unimportant character who just happens to be in this scene.
DeMillzy: What are you doing?
Lanc: Putting all hands on Dick.
(Boom-tish!)
DeMillzy: Yes, well, there's no time for all that now. We must get that Salt Shaker back.
Lady Marian: And rescue my sister Lissa.
DeMillzy: Eh?
Lady Marian: Remember when you first brought me aboard, I told you my sister had been kidnapped?
DeMillzy: Er ... of course I do.
Lady Marian: Well, nobody has mentioned it since. I didn't want to be impolite by bringing it up, but we have to find her as well.
DeMillzy: Never worry, fair lass, for wherever we find the Salt Shaker we'll find your sister, Lissa Anne Brideford. (calls) Lanc!
Lanc (disinterested): Yes?
DeMillzy (whispers): Get off to the script writer quickly! We have to write in another character in the end scenes, one I'm afraid we forgot about.
Lanc (aloud)u mean Lissa?
DeMillzy: Shh! Yes.
Lanc: That's alright, she's actually already been rescued. I did that while you lot weren't looking.
DeMillzy stares increduously at Lanc.
DeMillzy: Since when have you done any of the heroid stuff? And "off-screen" no less?
Lanc (smiles, trying desperately to tie in with DeMillzy's clever REM joke earlier): That's me in the spotlight.
DeMillzy hits Lanc with a nearby gangplank.
***
Int SS Rodentia's brig
Simon, who has been in a surprising number of scene considering his total incidental characterness, is sitting in his cell which is surprisingly close to Lissa's
Lissa: SO you think that my problems are rooted between the fact that I'm not sure that I've been rescued and the fact that I have a different surname than my sister?
Simon: (who's been doing a crossword puzzle for at least an hour and thusly not listening to Lissa's insane ramblings) Err, that sounds, umm, about right. (clasping hands and putting his chin on the point of two pointed fingers) How do you feel when you're with your sister?
Lissa: Err, good, I guess.
Before Simon could answer, in probably cliched way, thunder is heard!
Simon: Storm?
Lissa: No canons!
Simon: Oh, dear me, the continuity police are coming?!
Lissa: No, the big guns found on ships!
Simon: I have the feeling that their be some swashbuckling and a heroic rescue in the near future!
Lissa: You're a psychiatrist not a psychic!
Simon: Oh, sorry!
He sits down in his cell, dejected that he's not psychic.
Simon: Here I thought I had special powers and now I find out I'm just a common-place shrink.
THe scene ends in an endearing bit of crying form Simon.
***
Lanc falls to the deck, Richard pushes him off so Lanc instead falls down the stairwell back into the galley. DeMillzy turns to the helmsman.
DeMillzy: Take us in Mister Sulu
Sulu: Yes, Captain
DeMillzy: All cannons fire!
The Canon Sir Reginald Thurston is fired at the Rodentia, knocking Mister Wildenly over board.
Stevie: Good shot lads!
DeMillzy: No, cannon you idiots!
Dimensions in Time is fired at the Rodentia
Lady Marian: Ooh, contraversial...
DeMillzy: No, cannon! You pitiful excuse for a sailor! Who have we got down there anyway?
Stevie: Why, Dave the Naughty Salor of course
DeMillzy: I should have guessed...
Finally the proper cannons fire and a cannon ball smashes straight through the mast of the Rodentia. SSB spins around like a top on his wooden leg before being stopped by Lindsmee so that he is facng the Otter's Glory.
SSB: Damn you to hell DeMillzy!
Stevie (to Lady Marian): Am I the only one who's noticed that the captain appears to be played by Iowan Gruffud?
Lady Marian: Probably because he's Welsh and has dark hair
Stevie: Must be
***
INT. RODENTIA'S DUNGEONS
(Lissa, in her cell next to Simon's, sighs.)
Simon (starts guiltily): What's the matter?
Lissa: Oh, I don't know.
Simon: It hasn't got anything to do with the fact that I, erm, haven't been exactly paying strict heed to your, erm, conversation?
Lissa: What? Oh no. I guess I'm just bored.
Simon: Ah.
(They both sit for a few more minutes.)
(Then suddenly, the door to Lissa's cell bursts open, and Wildenly enters, shuddering slightly at the crash.)
Wildenly: Ahem?
Lissa: Have you got anything I could read? It's very dull in here with only Simon to talk to -- no offence of course.
Simon: None taken. It would be surrendering to groundless derogatory impulses to believe you meant that in an unfriendly fashion.
Wildenly: I have the honour to desire your presence, on the part of my Captain, in his quarters for interrogation.
Lissa (getting up): Oh, well, it's something to do anyway.
Simon: Do not give in to feelings of depression.
Lissa: Yes, goodbye to you too, Simon.
Wildenly: If you would kindly step this way, madam?
EXT DECK OF OTTER'S GLORY
(Lady Marian watches rather disgustedly as the Cannons are fired ineptly.)
Lady Marian (shakes her head): Why don't they get someone who can handle Canons properly?
Stevie: Can I help, Cap'n?
DeMillzy: Eh? What do you know about Cannons?
Stevie: Cannons? Oh, I thought we were talking about carrots.
(DeMillzy and Marian look at him funny, until he goes off to try to read the paper.)
Marian (frowns): I didn't know Steven was interested in the news.
DeMillzy: Not really, he's only interested in facts.
Marian: Ah. I see, an injoke.
DeMillzy: Yes, but not a particularly well-written one.
(As DeMillzy squints disapprovingly at his copy of the script, the Rodentia fires another round at the Otter's Glory.)
Marian: They don't seem to be able to shoot straight over there.
INT. CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS, RODENTIA
(Mr. Wildenly leads Lissa in to be interrogated my Stainless-Steel Beard.)
Wildenly: Right in here, madam.
SSB: Who be tharrr?
(Lindsmee, skulking in the backround, as ever, leans over and explains to SSB who has come in.)
SSB: Ahhhhh! The prisoner!
Lissa: One of them, yes. How do you do?
SSB: Verry well, thanks to ye. Now, you're going to be interrogated...
Lissa: Yes, Mr. Wildenly told me.
SSB: So are ye going to answer me questions?
Lissa: Oh, I don't know.... Why do you wear two eyepatches? It must make it a bit difficult to see where you're going.
Lindsmee: He doesn't do things by halves.
Lissa: Ah.
SSB: Answer me questions, ye wench!
Lissa (surprised): But how can I? You haven't asked me any yet!
SSB: Arrr, yes....
*****
(Somewhere, Stefen is trying to bump into lampposts, thinking it might make him as popular as Steven. Unfortunately, there are very few lampposts in the middle of the Pacific.)
***
Ext. On the deck of the Otter's Glory
The ship heaves strong to port and everyone does a sad, Star Trek attempt at falling over. Stevie comes running to DeMillzy.
Stevie: Cap'n, Cap'n, the Rodentia is shooting giant brains with the sticker 'Morbius' stuck on them, it's utterly disgusting!
Demillzy: (shouting at the Rodentia) When they said cannon they meant the lead balls you gits!
Suddenly a volley of canon balls strike the Otter's Glory, Lanc comes running up.
Lanc: Cap'n, Cap'n, we're taking on water!
The ship's doctor simply called Bones runs up.
Bones: I prescribe a diuretic!
The regular cast look at this guy and turn back to DeMillzy.
DeMillzy: (lifting his sword up) To the DeMillzylifeboat!
Everyone climbs into the DeMillzy lifeboat, well, except for Steven who jumped off the wrong side of the boat, fortunately the others paddled around the ship and picked him up.
Stevie: What's the plan?
DeMillzy: Err, we paddle over to the Rodentia and ask for Simon, Lissa and the Salt Shaker back.
Stevie: Sounds good to me!
*****
Int. Rodentia's Captian's quarters
SSB is interrogating Lissa.
Lissa: I'll never talk, never! You couldn't pry these lips open with a herd of angry wombats!
SSB: Fine we'll just sit here and anachronastically watch, oh I don't know, umm, Timelarsh!!!
Lissa: No, not Timelarsh!!!
SSB: Yes, Mwahardyharhar!!!!
Lissa: (crying as Colin Baker's face fades to the horizon line) What do want?
SSB: So what does this thing do? (twiddles the salt shaker on his hook)
Lissa: Ahh, it turns chicken soup into lutefisk!!!
SSB: What!!?
Lissa: Lutefisk, a smelly Norwegian fish.
SSB: Arr. (nods) Arr, so much evil in such a little sharker, marrvelous! Does this work on anything else?
Lissa: (looking furtively) Yeh, but not very stably.
SSB: People?
Lissa: Possibly, but sometimes it only makes them sneeze!
SSB: Isn't that pepper that makes people sneeze?
Lissa: Yes, probably.
SSB laughs maniacally as Lissa's dragged back to the brig'.
***
Int. Mills manor
Steven: (smiling with plothole exposing smugness) What happened to Hieronomous?
Lord Mike: You know what happened, he tried to kill the Doctor and drained the Helix energy and died!
Steven: No Mr. von Wer!
Lord Mike: Umm, he was killed!
Steven: Since when!?
Lord Mike: You remember the pork pie on SSB's shoulder?
Steven turns a strange, green color.
Lance: Oh, and shouldn't the people be talking in prose with he said she said, instead of script?
Lord Mike: (exasperatingly) It's too late now, so just suck it up!
Steven: Well I never!
Lance: No, you haven't, but I have!
Steven: Oh, really was it fun?
LAnce: No, my parents ruined it for me!
Lord Mike: They walked in on you?
Lance: No, they told the ride operator I was wearing platform shoes and he took me off the roller coaster. I vowed never again to go to Wumbleworld!!!
Lord Mike rolls his eyes and hits Lance with a relatively thick book.
***
As Lance whimpered off Lord Mike continued the story.
Lord Mike: Err, anyway the faithful crew of the Otter's Glory were paddling up on the Rodentia.....
Ext. DeMillzy lifeboat.
DeMillzy: Row, row, row!
LAnc: Steven, your such an idiot!
Stevie: Well, your a bigger idiot!
Marian: Your both idiots! He wants you to paddle, you twits, not fight!!
Nibbles who had, unexplainably been on DeMillzy's shoulder since they left the ship goes to scout out the Rodentia!
Stevie: (hurt) Nibbles always gets to scout out the enemy ship!
DeMillzy: THat's because he can fly!
They eventually reach the ship only having to fight a Kracken, a sea serpent, and a white sperm whale.
They slowly climbed up the side of ship, and jumped on board only to find that they'd accidently hijacked the Queen Mary!
DeMillzy: Something's not right here!
The Captain of the Queen Mary walks up.
Captain: (who has a bit of a unnaturally shiny tint) Arr, I mean how may I assist you?
Before DeMillzy answers a pensioner walks up to them
Pensioner1: (incase there are multiple pensioners) Umm, you're standing on the shuffle board court.
DeMillzy: (to the pensioner) oh, sorry! THis is supposed to be the SS Rodentia, now where is it!?
Captain: Ar, umm, I have no idea what you are speaking of!
Marian: (sniffing) I smell a beard!
Lanc: Isn't it supposed to be rat?
Stevie: I don't suppose that gag would work here since he's not the Stainless Steel Rat but instead he's Stainless Steel Beard.
Everyone looks at Stevie.
Stevie: (uncomfortable) What?
DeMillzy: THat's like the most intelligent thing you've ever said!
Marian: (snapping fingers in a 'this is an important I understand' sort of way) SSB has used the Salt Shaker and it's effects are affecting reality to those without the intelligence to notice what's happening!
Lance: Hi, everyone how are you doing?
MArian: I thought it was Lanc!
Lance: WHo's Lanc? WHat is a Lanc anyways?
DeMilly: THis is more than I can deal with! I could barely deal with Steven being cognitive, but these apparating 'e's are over the top!
Marian: Hold it together, Michael, this isn't even the scary bit!
DeMillzy: (points) Look, do you hear that?
Stevie: But if the universe isn't a Euclidian plane, but in fact, a non-Euclidian plane we could be in a bit of trouble because we won't be on p-branes but on m-branes!
Marian: THis is a plot collapse isn't it?
(Umm, it's a bit of padding)
Marian: Actually, it's a bit disturbing, DeMillzy, pay attention!!
DeMillzy snaps into awareness, and stops trying to find catches on the shuffleboard sticks.
DeMillzy: Sorry.
Umm, a few minutes later a conclusion to this post occurs!
Right about now!
***
(At which point, to avoid all the Lancs, Lances, brainy Stevens, or Stevies, and all sorts of disturbing plot changes, we will disregard continuity so far as to pretend half of that {the half we don't like} didn't happen.)
(I, shall now try to salvage this collapsing story by playing some dodgy tricks with the overall continuity-)
(Ahem!)
EXT. QUEEN MARY, aka RODENTIA
(The characters all suddenly become tired of the way things were going in the last post, so DeMillzy decides it's time to leave.)
DeMillzy (clears throat): To the DeMillzy Dingy!
(They all get in the boat and start paddling back to the Otter's Glory.)
Marian: I thought this was called the DeMillzy-Lifeboat.
DeMillzy: I'm still experimenting with catchy names for it.
Marian (nods): Ah.
EXT. RODENTIA
(SSB is interrogating Lissa again.)
SSB: Whar's the Saltshaker, girl?! Tell me!
Lindsmee (tugs at SSB's coat): Uh, Cap'n?
SSB: What is it, Lindmee? I'm tryin to do an interrogation here, arrr!
Lindsmee: Aye, Cap'n, but the girl's not here.
SSB: She i'nt?
Lindmee: No, Cap'n.
SSB (thoughtfully): Oh, well arr....
INT. ISLAND TREASURE ROOM
(Stefen stands looking at Lance, who turned out to be a pot of yogurt.)
Stefen: It was never I liked yogurt.
Fellow: Oh, but I think that's a mask too...
(He pulls off the mask, revealing...)
(The Silver Salt-Shaker of Unst!!!)
(Bet that surprised you.)
Stefen: Oh, well, it is not it is even food now, that it is useless, yes?
(He tosses it into a convenient junkpile in the treasure room.)
EXT. DEMILLZY, ERM... BOAT-THING
(DeMillzy and Marian are sitting in the boat while Stevie and Lanc row.)
Stevie: Has anyone noticed how much the word 'Paddling' is like the word 'Padding'?
(They all ignore him.)
Lanc: Can't I paddle from inside the boat?
Marian: No, there's not enough room. Besides, you're all wet.
Lanc: That's true.
Stevie: Yes, you are pretty wet. (An stunning idea hits him.) It might have something to do with the water, you know?
DeMillzy: I'd like to say something.
Marian: Well go ahead, it's your story.
DeMillzy: When we were on the Rodentia, I managed to rescue Lissa.
Marian: Really? Splendid! Where is she?
DeMillzy: Er... around here somewhere... There she is.
Hieronymous: Marian! Oh my dear daughter!
Marian: I thought you said you'd rescued Lissa?
DeMillzy (enigmatically): I thought I had...
Marian: But this is my father!
DeMillzy (enigmatically): Yes...
Hieronymous: What, no greeting for your doting father, Marian, my child?
Marian: Hullo, dad, glad your well. I heard you'd been turned into a pork pie.
Hieronymous (looks down at himself): Evidently not.
Marian: Someone's really messed up this story's continuity.
DeMillzy: Let's go back to the Rodentia and sort things out. To the DeMillzy-Little-Ship-Without-a-Sail-To-Be-Used-in-Emergencies!
Marian: We're already in it.
DeMillzy: Oh yes.
(As they start to return, the Rodentia begins firing on the boat, SSB having noticed that the person who everyone assumed was Lissa but who was really Mr. von Wer all along, had escaped, and puts a rather sizable hole into it - that is, the boat, not the escape...)
DeMillzy: Oh well, we'd better go back to the Otter's Glory then.
Marian: But it was sinking!
DeMillzy: Yes, but more slowly.
Stevie: Oh no! We're sinking! Help!
(He jumps into the boat, clinging to Marian, who gets all wet as a result. The Boat sinks faster.)
(Later...)
Marian: Finally, back at the Otter's Glory! I thought I'd give the Narrator a break.
(Thank you.)
DeMillzy: Wait a moment! If Mr. von Wer isn't Lissa...
Marian: He isn't.
DeMillzy: Then where is Lissa?
(At this moment, Lissa walks out onto the deck.)
Lissa: Hello Marian! Hello everyone.
DeMillzy: How did you get here?
Lissa: Lanc rescued me ages ago. I've been here ever since. Didn't he tell you?
(Everyone turns to Lanc.)
Lanc: I told you all a million posts ago, but no one listened.
***
Ext. Mills Manor
Lord Mike: Err, and that's it, every one is saved and the salt shaker's lost in the shuffle!
Steven: THat is insane especially the that last bit!
Lord Mike: Well, that's how it happened all those years ago and also how I got this!
Lord Mike grabs his cane, flips a catch and magically a silver salt shaker pops out.
Steven: Is that...?
Lord Mike: Quite.
Lance: (Recovered from his book accident) What accident! (Erm, recovered from the literary incident) What about Simon? You've conveniently forgotten about him, and the Otter's Glory what about that!
Lord Mike: Erm, Simon and SSB lived a wonderful life together as doctor and patient, DeMillzy used that platter of jellybabies as caulking for the ship, and as for the rest that doesn't quite get covered this happened....!
Lord Mike shakes the salt shaker on Lance's head and he turns into a duck.
LAnce: Quack quack quuaaaack!!!
Which translated means' "Oh drat not again!"
Auf Wiedersehn!
