h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

no there have been no badgers sir...
are you on any form of medication?

that's good, they're viscious buggas they are

er, medication. do these count.

*holds up jar that contains something called Dried Frog Pills: Side Effects May Vary*

dried frog pills....
and i suppose its too much to exoect that you havent drank any alcohol....

oh no no no, no alcohol from me *hic*


*a bottle of gin falls onto the floor and is swiftly kicked under the couch*

*notes down a few details in some files*
tell me... did you have a happy childhood?

oh yes, very happy.

daddy would go out and hunt some baby rabbnits, then bring them back and show me how to skin them. and sometimes, he would take me to the chicken coup for lunch, and i would be allowed to chase the smaller hens and bite their throats, whch was great fun

yes...
*notes this*
now tell me
your a fox arent you?

no! silly woman i am human.

*looks at Anthea funny like*

you alright? you er, wanna speak to someone?

ah so when you talked about hunting rabbits and chickens....
that was normal for you?

why yes, you gotta eat. how do you survive?

*scratches behind his ear*

you killed chickens by bitibg them in the neck?

how else

you could just have broken there necks....
without the biteing....
is there any history of mental health problems in your family?

nope, clean as a whistle

we lived in the mountains you see, we lived by the rules of nature, and there was no health service.

ah...
*writes this down*
tell me about your mother

ah my mother, strong woman. beat the hell out my dad every night, great fun.

when he was down we aould put the boot in for good measure

then he'd send us to bed and they would be downstairs making funny noises

interesting...
please feel free to continue

ok...she'd make this wonderful bread pudding it would be sitting on the side when i got home from school which incidently only had three students and half a teacher called Igor who sprayed when he spoke but that's another story this bread pudding would be sat there and steaming on the side and it smelt wonderful so i would hang around and wait for it to cool down but i would't open the window to speed it up cos then the smell would go so i learnt patience through my mums bread pudding which is a good thing right anyway when it had cooled i would cut this huge chunk out of it and gobble it all up and mum would be angry cos she would be just about to serve dinner so i told here to make the pudding earlier then so it is cool in time for when i get back from schoool so i can have a chunk then and there would be time for it to go down before dinner so she did that once and when i came home and saw the already cool pudding i cut a huge chunk straight away and it was mmmmmmmmmmmmmm so i cut another chunk and another until i had eaten half of the entire pudding and i felt real sick but i still ate my dinner

so you got on well with your mother...
what about your father how did you feel towards him?

yeah, he was cool.