squirrels
Created | Updated Mar 4, 2002
Squirrel (Rodentia Suciuridae Sciurus) - These seemingly benign rodents are soulless
minions of evil with black hearts of coal. Cold and calculating, these creatures are hell
bent on the subversion of humanity. While some might argue that beings so cute would
be incapable of such acts, this emotional argument isn't based on hard fact. While some
creatures have camouflage, large pointy fangs, or other natural defenses, the squirrels
use their immense intellect and natural good looks to fend off natural selection. While at
present, humans are the dominant species on the planet, displacing indigenous species
at will, squirrels are not content with their lot in life and have designs on our illustrious
post. Their evil plans of world domination include the subversion of the entire human
race, making us little more than slaves to do the work they cannot (being that we have
opposable thumbs and all).
Have you ever noticed a squirrel sitting in a tree that appears to be intently starring with
intelligent eyes into your home or work? Have you ever observed a squirrel scampering
along after as you walk alone on a wooded path? Have you ever seen gangs of squirrels
wearing little black ninja suits rappelling down the side of a building shortly before a
large explosion rocks the night air, only to be later blamed on a gas main bursting? Well,
I may not have either, but these feats and more are being perpetrated daily by gray,
red, black, and winged rodents across the world. Currently, they are in a phase of
intelligence gathering, but the time draws near when their bid for global domination will
come and we must be ready.
