Yo ho hrrckk and a bottle of Benylin

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Seadog crafts such as the ship-in-the-bottle and its more modern successor, the ship-in-a-lightbulb, remain ever popular with tourists, as markers of Britain's island heritage. Nobody has ever thought to ask why sailors, who constantly bang on about the ceaselss horrors and dangers of their living, nevertheless have enough time and calm weather to put ships in things, carve whale parts into scrimshaw, learn the accordion and cut each other's legs off. Perhaps it's just another mystery of the deep, like mermaids, the Bermuda Triangle, and where the hell your cigarettes went to, you put them down not ten seconds ago, right by the compass repeater, someone must have nicked them and when you find out who did there'll be hell to pay, got it? Be that as it may, now would be a good time to learn traditional seadog crafts as, come the New Year, there'll be a steady stream of gullible idiots trudging through Greenwich in the rain, so stupefied and emptied of the will to live by their visits to the Millennium Dome that they'll happily hand over money for the most cack-handed and ungainly nautical souvenirs.

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