Old ladies are one of the markers of the onset of the English autumn. Apparently frail and harmless, they are in fact one of the most fearsome and vicious of all mammals, and will shriek, rend and kill if cornered, nudged, short-changed, looked at, spoken to, rained upon or, indeed, subjected to any form of anything at all. Old Ladies spend the entire summer indoors, keeping cool, ostensibly on account of their legs what is all swole up sunnink rotten, but in reality to nurture their grievances, lubricate their larynxes and build up their biceps for the season of shouting and bashing-about which is to come. Old Ladies can be detected by the following markings:

Shopping
Rigid carapace-like overcoat
Muttering
Scowling
Hawk-like eyes
Thick elasticated support stockings

The most dangerous type of Old Lady is the Smaller Apple-Cheeked Jamaican Grandma, fearless and invariably lethal, particularly to the young black men who form their natural prey, and who are liable to be savagely attacked, both with fluent abuse and with the Smaller Apple-Cheeked's highly-developed 'umbrella', for offences such as humming, reading newspapers, looking at things and walking.

All Old Ladies are, however, liable to attack without warning, particularly on their way to Bingo, when they should be avoided at all costs.