I have therefore decided to set down in stone (well, a collection of 1’s and 0’s), the correct way to get the most enjoyment out of this dish. If followed correctly, we can have millions of people around the World collectively eating the hallowed meal in a methodical manner. Who knows, maybe a new religion can be born based on this simple kitchen ritual (not quite Methodism, more like Haricotism!).

To begin, have ready the following items:

A can of baked beans (Heinz of course)

4 slices of bread

Knife, fork and dinner plate

Salad Cream (English Dressing in the USA?) Heinz again of course.

Add Heat to Your Food

Start by cooking the beans. Use whatever method floats your boat. My own personal preference is to zap them in the microwave, as they cook in 2 minutes and 30 seconds, which is exactly the same time it takes for my toaster to spit out a perfectly browned product. With beans cooked and toast toasted, the free-form aspect of this recipe is over and the hard core methodism comes in with the assembly of the dish and the eating.

Putting it All Together

The following MUST NOT be deviated from in any way, or else the ritualistic pleasure gained from this simple dish will be lost.

1) Place both slices of toast side-by-side on a plate. On no account attempt to butter the toast.

2) Pour the beans over both slices, concentrating on the middle of the plate.

3) To the gently steaming orange mass, drizzle salad cream all over. The amount of salad cream should be enough to perform the next step.

4) Mix the salad cream into the beans until the colour has changed to a lighter shade of orange. On no account add tomato ketchup, mayonnaise or, god help us, brown sauce. Adding salad cream to baked bean juice makes a sauce which is not quite a Marie Rose sauce, but is close, and has a taste which is almost indecent. Adding brown sauce to the tomato sauce of the beans is both disgusting and wrong. And yes, I did see the advert, and winced through the entire thing.

5) One the salad cream is fully incorporated, take your knife and fork and flip one slice of toast with beans still on, onto the other, forming a sort of baked beans sandwich. All of the extraneous beans around this sandwich can now be scooped up and placed on top of the whole construct, allowing the gorgeous juice to completely impregnate the top slice.

The dish is now ready to be eaten, but before doing so, have two slices of well buttered bread ready, and a glass of your favourite drink. Milk is my choice, but many people cannot stand the taste of milk, so the drink is excused from the method. I have even tried blackcurrant juice with the dish before, but only when no-one else was around.

Eating it Properly

In order to carry the experience through, it is important that the food is eaten in the correct manner. The following will give the maximum amount of pleasure for the minimum amount of effort:

1) With knife and fork, pick up the top slice of toast and allow the beans to drop back onto the plate. Replace the top slice, now gorged with the sweet, sweet juice of the beans, and eat the top slice. Just the top slice mind you, no beans..yet.

2) Do the same with the bottom slice. Lift and place on the mound of gooey beans, thereby giving the underside of this slice a soaking in the juice, and eat. Still, just the toast.

3) Now you are facing a thick morass of beans and salad cream. Pick up one of the slices of thickly buttered bread, and tap lightly to dislodge any breadcrumbs which may be on the surface. Take a mouthful of beans, and a bite of bread. Your mouth will now be undergoing paroxysms of pleasure as the salad cream enriched baked beans and buttery bread are all mashing around inside your head. It is at this point that the core of the method resides; all has been leading up to this moment. Savour each bite as you finish the beans and one and a half slices of the bread and butter.

4) With the remaining half slice of bread and butter, mop all the heavenly juice from the plate and eat.

5) Take a large drink (remember the drink!)

Now sit back whilst your mouth constantly replays the last exciting few minutes over and over with your brain and taste buds.

Conclusion

The method presented here will transform this simple dish into a thing of beauty which can be enjoyed until the end of your days. The health benefits of this dish will not be discussed here, that is for the cold, hard scientific method to dissect, but you can bet your top slice that with all that fibre and low fat (alright forget about the thick butter for a moment!), this dish will be a regular favourite for both mind and body.

For those who are tempted to stray from the method, I warn you that what is presented here is the best that you can get. Any deviation from this will only diminish your pleasure. However, as all new religions are prone to a few teething problems which can occasionally lead to full-blown schisms, I will attempt to answer some of your questions in the following FAQ. It is better to keep the flock singing from the same hymn sheet, rather than turn you all into beans on toast atheists!

ENJOY!

FAQ

1) ‘I like to put a bit of butter in my beans when I cook them, is this acceptable?’

Of course. As I said before, when it comes to the cooking of the beans, it is really whatever presses your buttons. Go wild. Just as long as anything you add doesn’t alter the flavour of the beans.

2) ‘Should I stir the beans whilst cooking, or leave them alone?’

It’s up to you, the cooking of the beans is not the important part, it’s only about getting heat into the product.

3) ‘Can I cook the beans for longer than 2mins30, coz I like them very soft?’

Yes, Jesus, look, do them however you want. See the first answer.

4) ‘I prefer the taste of another brand of beans, can I use those instead?’

Lets get one thing straight. There are no other baked beans that taste as good as Heinz. The taste of the sauce is unique, and, when combined with the Heinz salad cream produce the almost religious moment. Go ahead and use another brand, but any other baked beans will only diminish the experience. The same goes for the salad cream.

5) ‘Do you now, or have you ever worked for Heinz?’

No.

6) ‘I like to eat my beans with the toast, can I do this?’

No, the whole point of the method is to leave the beans so that they can be eaten with the thickly-buttered bread. The toast is purely there as a bean juice sponge.

7) ‘I love brown sauce on my beans on toast, what’s wrong with that?’

You are clearly a person of little or no taste. If you prefer your taste buds to be insulted in this manner, why not try eating Pot Noodle, and leave the baked beans to the true believers, ok?

8) ‘My dad puts cheese on top of his baked beans, is this wrong?’

The subject of cheese with beans on toast is a veritable lactose minefield. It is undoubtedly a great combination, especially with the salad cream according to my method, but grated over the top is not something I would recommend. I have tried cutting a hunk of cheese, and having it on the side of the dish, to be eaten at the same time as the toast. This seems to work well, and may well become part of the method in the future. For now, please feel free to enjoy your cheese in any way you want. Any type of cheese is acceptable; I have tried cheddar, stilton and cream cheese, all to good effect.

9) ‘Butter, or margarine?’

I prefer good old butter, but a lot of margarines these days come ‘churned with buttermilk’ and the like, and taste reasonably good, so either will do, but taste must be paramount.

10) ‘You bang on about how to eat the stuff..I’m surprised you don’t tell people what knives and forks and plates they should use?’


Jeez, if I was to lay down the law about crockery and cutlery, I would sound like a total fascist.