Deep in the Heart of the African Jungle there lurked a beast. Its name was COMPUTOR, the computer, and it lived only to devour the poor, helpless fools who failed to take computer taming classes. It was in this very jungle where I found myself trapped, foodless, friendless, and computer-taming and self-defence-classes-less. I had been hiding here for many weeks, scratching out a livelihood killing what animals I could with my highly sharpened toenail, finding out what plants were safe to eat by force-feeding them to my pet hampster Rex, who, failing in his earlier attempt to save me, was now just as trapped as I was, though perhaps more so, as I wasn't living in a pocket and being force-fed potentially fatal plants. As I was saying, we lurked there for several weeks, knowing that we only owed our survival to the season - COMPUTOR was hibernating, this being the warm sort of mid-winter season when there was no snow on the ground to speak of, the sun was high in the clear blue sky, the birds were all singing sweetly, and all respectable computers either went to sleep, killed themselves, or slunk sulkily into caves to escape from the strange and counter-seasonal weather. But we knew, Rex and I, that it was only a matter of time before something disturbed COMPUTOR and he awoke - our fragile bodies would snap like dehydrated poodles in his horrendous claws - he must not find us! So we watch, and we wait, until that day comes, praying that it won't, but knowing that it must...

Quickly, I pulled out my copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Depths of the African Jungle, and pulled up the entry on how to escape angry computers. "You poor, stupid bastard," was all it said. Flinging it away in disgust, I turned and ran. Slipping over the icey ground, snagging my toenail on cracks in the rock, breathing heavier than a female mosquito in mating season (which, as I hear, is quite heavily, for those able to hear it), I made for a warm cave that I had discovered some weeks earlier while searching for the handbag I had lost upon entering this benighted jungle.

I dove under the monkey pelts that served as my blankets, I lay quivering, only to realize, Rex had vanished! Without him, I would never know which plants to eat. I couldn't just abandon him to his fate. Slowly, with determination, I raised myself from my sleeping-furs and stepped toward the mouth of the cave. Then I heard it again...BEEP...At the entrance to my cave, in all his revolting (yet slightly appealing, in an ingratiating sort of way) glory, stood COMPUTOR, his long cord snapping with rage.

I looked at it like a cow looks at an oncoming train. I could not defeat this beast. I reached for my Guide, hoping the colourful writing on its cover might give me a sudden burst of creative insight. But, alas, I had thrown it away. So I did the logical thing any normal person would do when cornered in a cave by a giant feral computer, cut off from the civilized world, their pet hampster, their hand bag, and most importantly, their towel: I panicked. I fell to my knees and started sobbing and begging for my life. I ran around in circles, cackling like a duck. I imitated the mating call used by drunken weasels on full-moon nights. But none of it was any good. COMPUTOR advanced, illuminating my cave with its feral glow. So I took the next logical step: I screamed and ran for my life. COMPUTOR's cord lashed out like a whip.

*CRACK!* Bits of stone shrapnel flew away from the wall where the cord had landed. I ran faster. Then I heard the fateful whistle of the cord coming again, faster, harder, deadlier. I dove. And as I fell, the hard floor rushing up to meet me, eager to pulverize my face, I spotted my handbag. 'That's odd', I thought. 'I'd searched this cave from top to bottom. How did it get here? Is my digital watch still in it? I wouldn't want to lose that. Ooo, and I can finally touch up my hair with a hair brush. I do so miss brushing my hair in the mornings. And perhaps I left a towel in it...' And with my mind thus thoroughly distracted, I completely forgot to hit the ground.

I was hovering over it like a fish hovers over a sting ray, staring at the pebbled floor like a fish stares at a sting ray. And then I realized what had happened. I was flying. Unfortunately, I was flying in a cave with a very low ceiling, and the entrance was still blocked by the ever-advancing COMPUTOR. I flew farther into the cave like a fish flies farther into a sting ray, until I realized the fatal flaw in my plan - the back wall. I had gone as far as I was able. I braced myself to fight until I could no longer fight, until I fell, never to rise again, until I could only look on in horror (in spirit) as COMPUTOR shredded my body into thin planarian ribbons and devoured me like chicken satay.

BEEP!!! Turning, I looked behind COMPUTOR at the mouth of the cave, one last glimpse of the free world before I succumbed to the superior programming of my aggresor. There behind COMPUTOR, was Rex! I had never been so happy to see the little fellow in my life, except, perhaps when he had tried to save me earlier from the African Jungle. He had a lion tale in his hand, and was brandishing it like a whip. Wait a minute - that looked like the lion tail with which I had been securing my lacerated tiger skins, I glanced down, and realized my fears were well founded. But no matter. I would have worse problems than nakedness if COMPUTOR got ahold of me. "Rex!" I cried, tears streaming down my face with domestic abandon. "Squeek!" Rex cried, cracking his lion tail fiercely. "BEEP!" roared COMPUTOR, spinning to face this new threat.

Time seemed to slow to a sickening crawl. It seemed as if 8 days went by in the next few seconds; the suspense was killing me. Would Rex save the day, once and for all ending the terrible reign of COMPUTOR? Would we be able to escape, virtually unscathed, from this horrible escapade? Would the jungle once more be a safe place for anyone seeking only to be ravaged by anthropomorphic monkeys?

*CRACK!* The lion’s tail struck COMPUTOR with enough force to push it back a few feet. Rex looked feirce in the heated glow of the computer monitor. COMPUTOR began to advance. Rex whipped the tail around again. COMPUTOR tried to duck out of the way, but was too slow. *CRACK!* Sparks flew. COMPUTOR attempted to retaliate with its power cord, but once more, Rex was quicker.

*CRACK!* The cord was nearly ripped out of COMPUTOR with this final blow. COMPUTOR cowered away from the awesome wrath of Rex. Rex strode forward confidently and raised the lion’s tail to deliver the finishing blow.

Suddenly Rex stopped. His body began to shake. And then he collapsed into a quivering mass in the dirt. It must have been the vines I had recently force fed him, I quickly realized. He had seemed fine, so I had ate some too… would I soon suffer the same fate as Rex? It might not be fatal, but COMPUTOR certainly would be. I tried to estimate how much time I had left until I succumbed to the poison, but it was no use. Regardless, I had to do something now. It was time for me to take a stand. If I didn’t take out COMPUTOR now, both Rex and I would die.

And so began the final battle.

I picked up my microphone stand from the corner of the cave where I had left it earlier that morning, after attempting, unsuccessfully, to spear fish with it. I raised the base of it above my head like a mace, and took a step toward COMPUTOR. BEEP!! COMPUTOR was furious now. DING DING DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING - Windows with threateningly official writing on them popped up all over its screen. It would not back down from this fight. Whereas before it was only trying to fill its belly with some starving-human-and-poisoned-hampster-y goodness, now it was facing a challenge to its authority, and it would not stand for that.

COMPUTOR bent and put Rex into its mouth. With an impassioned, concerned moan, I began to run toward COMPUTOR. I couldn't let Rex be eaten! COMPUTOR turned as slowly as a drunken flamingo until it ws pointed streight at me, then spat. Rex flew like a rocket, hitting me directly in the stomach and bouncing back.

COMPUTOR caught him in its mouth again as I dropped my microphone stand and fell to my knees. I couldn't breath. I started to see spots, and my vision was going all navy-blue around the edges. COMPUTOR laughed, "BE-DEEP" and spat Rex at me again. This time, he hit my face, sending me sprawling, but fortunately not bouncing back to COMPUTOR. The blood ran down my face like a frightened weasel as I dragged myself off the ground. I picked Rex up in my hand and threw him back at COMPUTOR with all my might. Though it did not hurt him, it did distract him long enough for me to grab my microphone stand again.