The President of Iran - Mahmoud Ahmadinnerjacket - has announced today that George Bush is Santa. "I have it from the Divine Authority that the President of America is Father Christmas", he announced today to a group of supporters. "The evidence is overwhelming: he has aquired huge wealth which he uses to strengthen his political base, he has isolated himself from everyone else, he only does one good thing a year and no grown-up believes in him any more".

Recent events in Iran have shown that Mr Ahmadinnerjacket has designs on the Father Christmas role itself, should it come available. "We are building a giant Christmas Cracker", he claimed, "with enough firepower inside it to demolish a city". When asked *why* anyone would want to build a city-levelling cracker, he answered "For peaceful purposes, of course". The Iranian President's generosity knows no bounds: he would like to send his first gift cracker to the Israeli people, asking and hoping for nothing in return. "I will pay the freight costs too", he declared.

Mr. Ahmadinnerjacket has challenged Mr. Bush to a live television debate, however Mr. Bush has declined, citing a prior appointment with his elocution advisor. A note he wrote during the recent UN conference revealed his true intentions however: "Where are the goddamn hootin' tootin' toilets here?" it said. It is believed that the Iranian President urgently wishes to discuss nuclear proliferation, the role of religion in modern life and whether the Detroit Tigers will win the World Series this year.

Mr. Bush has been receiving support for his position within members of his own party. An email from Mark Foley entitled "Well hello little boy, want to sit on my lap?" was quickly recalled when the beleaguered congressman realised he had sent it to the wrong address.