Kingston Upon Hull -The Story So Far
Created | Updated Mar 14, 2002
Hull is a medium sized maritime city with a population of about, oh, i don't know....some. It resides in peacefull East Yorkshire, which is peacefull because it no longer supports any industry. It's main exports are, poisoned air from the very few remaining factories which produce, among other things, deadly nerve toxins, virulent plagues and Beechams Powders. Our one claim to fame is that William Wilberforce, he of abolition of slavery fame, lived here and for a time, took to wearing yellow dresses and killing prostitutes....or was that someone else...i forget. We also gave the world Rank Hovis, without which there would be no bread in the western world. Honestly. During the war we were bombed, which was a disaster because we didn't have any of that cockney spirit we hear so much about, partly because Hull is almost entirely made up of non-cockneys and partly because they couldn't be bothered. It was easier (and some would say cheaper) to be miserable. After the war, there was much rebuilding to be done, but strangly they chose to build awfull looking 50's buildings. They obviously thought that the buildings wouldn't last long, or they would have built them in a more moden style....say...late 80's... Once Hull had been rebuilt, it was already time for it to start deteriorating, fishing industry going pear shaped (what does that actually mean? If somethings gone wrong then it's like the shape of a pear?.....i like the shape of pears....it's a very sensous outline......anyway, moving on.... Jobs being lost left right and centre, coincidently, unemployment rises (it's typical that these thing happen at the same time. A listlesness set's in, a general malais set about by the prospect of a city having to eek out an existence from tourism....a city, that is, which has got a suspension bridge which is no longer the biggest in the world (and therefore not really worth looking at for any great length of time)and bugger all else. Oh we have got a Marina,a water type thing, not an old British Leyland car, which is rather like Monte Carlo....in the way that the water can fill your lungs, thus killing you. Where we do excel though, is in our pubs. We have a marked variety of drinking houses, all of which attract there own spores....sorry people...and of course the world, nay universaly famous, Tower Nightclub. It is believed, by experts, that a nightclub has been on that site for over 800 years, First founded by Muboomy Monks in the 12th century, the site has survived through famine, drought, plague and on one occasion the fuse blew, thus shutting down the disco lights, the clubs one redeeming feature. Units from the 16th Parachute Regiment were called in to keep the peace on a day which will forever be known as Bloody Friday. For those wishing to learn stuff, we have a widely respected university, situated. oh....i forget where....and a colledge which has loads of young girls at it (is there any other way of rating a seat of learning? I think not) Oh yes, and we have a Maritime Museum, celebrating the whaling industry. See all the blood and guts as these poor defensless mammals are dragged from the sea and split open while they're still alive....gasp, as you see the sea turn red, be amazed by the fact that we nearly wiped out the entire population of whales for, what, lipstick......be sickend by the thought of sailors coming home covered in blubber and going to Tower. Hulls one and only redeeming feature is that it's a port, which of course means that it's where a lot of Cans of Biss (you work it out) comes into the country. The new tourist board advertisement for Hull reads.... "Come to Hull- Get blubbered, get clubberd, get stoned and get out" ;o) Half of what i've told you is untrue, no responsiblilty can be taken for those who are sans humour. The Pope IS a Catholic. Bye
